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A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 8:56:05 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		I've always found cuckolding to be one of the most fascinating areas of BDSM from a psychological standpoint.

Cuckolding is a violation of traditional concepts of monogamy. Moreover, men have typically been more apt to violate the contract of monogamy and "cheat" on their wives/girlfriends. But a cuckolding situation completely flips the script. It elevates the female as the party who exercises her sexuality outside of the primary relationship. I find this concept to be fascinating on many levels.

Early in my BDSM experience, I was vehemently opposed to cuckolding. Like so many others, I had grown up with standard puritanical views of monogamy. So "cheating" in any form was a taboo concept to me.

But one of my earliest Dommes changed my perspective on that by forcing cuckolding upon me. We were in a monogamous D/s relationship, when She decided that She wanted to have a girlfriend. So without my permission, She introduced a female lover into O/our relationship. She had sex with Her girlfriend as often as She had sex with me. And I had no say in the matter. But because Her outside lover was a woman, it wasn't so hard for me to accept.

Eventually, She expanded Her sexual freedom by having sex with another man. While I was able to rationalize away Her sex with another woman, the knowledge that She had slept with another man hit me like a punch in the stomach. I was devastated.

But She informed me that as part of O/our relationship, She desired to maintain Her sexual freedom. She also told me that She expected me to remain totally monogamous, and exclusively dedicated to Her. I was hurt, but I really loved Her, and I wanted to stay with Her. I also wanted to please Her. So I accepted Her conditions.

Interestingly, I found that my new situation created a strange new flood of emotions in me. I felt betrayed and humiliated. But I also felt aroused. Her newly declared sexual freedom, and my acceptance of it made me feel more submitted than I had ever felt before.

I stopped seeing it as "cheating", and grew to accept that as the dominant partner, she had the right to maintain her sexual freedom. I also started realizing that accepting it constituted a greater form of service and submission on my part.

LadyPact once described it in a way that I really liked, so I'm going to quote her here. She said "Personally, I don't consider a cuck dynamic the same thing as cheating. It's a specific type of power imbalance in the dynamic where the Domme has complete control of her sexuality, including the fact that fidelity is not a requirement on her part. It boils down to her having the power to decide if she will take on additional partners or not."

So my questions are as follows:
-Has anyone else learned to accept (or even desire) being cuckolded when you were initially opposed to the idea? If so, would you care to share your experience?
-Guys: How did/does being cuckolded make you feel?
-Women: How does cuckolding your partner make you feel?
-Both men and women: What aspects of cuckolding appeal to you? The humiliation? The sexual freedom? The taboo nature of it? Or something else?

So if anyone is interested, lets talk about cuckolding.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 3/5/2012 9:52:44 AM >
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 9:06:39 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		BTW, I apologize for the long post. I didn't realize how long it was until after I finished typing it. Hopefully, some of you will wade through it and participate in the discussion.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 9:14:30 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I had a situation I could have pursued the whole cuckolding, and made it successful. I lost total interest cause I had lost my total self due to LOVE and other issues that were fogging my judegement.

Just my opinion, and people are going to go nuts on this..........

You accepted it cause you were condiitoned to over time, totally dominated due to Love and your desire to plz, even when you were taught it was wrong. THru conditioning you were corrupted and what was always wrong became okay. Thats how the devil works my friend.

....................oh I feel an explosion coming on.................lol

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 9:36:26 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

I had a situation I could have pursued the whole cuckolding, and made it successful. I lost total interest cause I had lost my total self due to LOVE and other issues that were fogging my judegement.


I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. Did you actually try the cuckolding situation, or did you stop before you actually experienced it?

quote:


You accepted it cause you were conditoned to over time, totally dominated due to Love and your desire to plz, even when you were taught it was wrong. THru conditioning you were corrupted and what was always wrong became okay.


Yes, she did condition me to accept it. Had she taken a male lover first, I probably would have been more resistant.

I don't think it's accurate to say that I was corrupted. I can now see all sides of the cuckolding situation clearly now. I couldn't before I had actually experienced it.

I'm not saying that cuckolding is for everyone. It definitely isn't. Many people fantasize about being cuckolded, only to find that they experience extreme jealousy (or worse) when they actually experience the real thing.

Cuckolding can be highly enjoyable for some people. For others, it can be a living Hell.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 9:36:34 AM   
MrsT301


Posts: 48
Joined: 2/28/2012
Status: offline 		I think cuckolding would only really be fun in a long tern relationship where there are strong feelings to begin with. Just meeting someone, and then letting them watch you with another guy, well that's just three strangers having kinky sex.
I was once in the situation where I watched my boyfriend have sex with another girl (who was also a friend/playmate of mine) but I didn't find it humiliating. Mostly just arousing. That's the only time I've ever been "cuckolded" so my experience with this is very limited, but I didn't feel jealous.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 9:41:41 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsT301
I think cuckolding would only really be fun in a long tern relationship where there are strong feelings to begin with. Just meeting someone, and then letting them watch you with another guy, well that's just three strangers having kinky sex.


MrsT301,
I agree with you completely. That's one of the reasons why we so often have bad discussions about cuckolding. Too many people don't understand what it really is.

The average thread about cuckolding on CM is written by a horny wanker who is looking for any random woman to "cuckold" him. But that defies the very definition of cuckolding. As you mentioned, if it's just strangers having sex with one of them watching, that's not cuckolding. That's a combination of exhibitionism and voyeurism.

Real cuckolding requires a relationship. The original definition required the couple to be married, but these days most people in the BDSM world will accept that you can be cuckolded if you're just in a serious relationship.

(in reply to MrsT301)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 9:47:00 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I agree corruption was a strong word.

I also did the long term boyfriend thing yrs ago, He wanted the threesome, I set it up with a friend of mine. Its really waht someones moral compass is, what they find is and isnt for them. I didnt feel jealousy either, but I didnt like the situation, and I never looked at him in the same light again. So it ended.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 9:51:05 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

He wanted the threesome, I set it up with a friend of mine..... I didnt feel jealousy either, but I didnt like the situation, and I never looked at him in the same light again. So it ended.


That's what I think happens most of the time. The person agrees to let their partner have sex with an outsider, but afterwards they feel differently about their partner. Usually, they feel that their partner has violated their trust, and relationships often end after a third party is introduced.

That's why I continue to warn people that cuckolding isn't for everyone. But for some people, it can be very erotic and enjoyable.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 9:54:33 AM   
LunaM


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline 		Personally I have no experience with cuckolding on either side so my opinion is strictly just my personal opinion

Anything that brings another person into a relationship is a no-no for me. Simply put I don't like to share and I don't like being shared. If I submit to a master and we enter into a relationship then I expect he remain faithful as I expect myself to remain faithful. For others this may work and I see the allure and possibly the arousal although its a complete turn off for me and even when I try imagining it, I'm seriously as dry as the Sahara desert.

Nothing against your view or your experience OP just stating the other side for debate reasons.

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:00:03 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM

Anything that brings another person into a relationship is a no-no for me. Simply put I don't like to share and I don't like being shared........

Nothing against your view or your experience OP just stating the other side for debate reasons.



LunaM,
And I was hoping that someone would share the perspective that you brought to the table on the topic.

Threads about cuckolding on CM are usually just voyeur fantasies. I was hoping that we could have a serious discussion in which all aspects of it are expressed. That way, when someone contemplates the idea of "adding a third party to their relationship", they can search out this thread and find some insightful and helpful commentary on the topic.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. All sides of the issue need to be represented and discussed.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 3/5/2012 10:02:57 AM >

(in reply to LunaM)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:03:05 AM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		FR

There was ever one person that I could have cuckholded but the relationship never went there so the rest is just my opinion...
To me a true cuckhold relationship is not a threesome, that to me is just some kinky fun sex, but a loving satisfying relationship where one has true sexual freedom to enjoy what they want. As you mentioned, it is not for everyone and unfortunately one that you can't truly find out if it is or isn't for you until you try it. A lot of people love the idea or the fantasy of it, but when it comes to real life their emotions are ten fold stronger than what was expected and it doesn't work out.

(in reply to LunaM)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:04:31 AM   
LunaM


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009


quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM

Anything that brings another person into a relationship is a no-no for me. Simply put I don't like to share and I don't like being shared........

Nothing against your view or your experience OP just stating the other side for debate reasons.



LunaM,
And I was hoping that some people would share your perspective on the topic.

Threads about cuckolding on CM are usually just voyeur fantasies. I was hoping that we could have a serious discussion in which all aspects of it are expressed. That way, when someone contemplates the idea of "adding a third party to their relationship", they can search out this thread and find some insightful and helpful commentary on the topic.



And what better way to learn?
I have no physical experience except for past experiences in vanilla relationships where I have broken my hard limit and tried a threesome and was even part of an orgy. It may have been the caliber of people but as my limited experience at that time taught me it was not all it was cracked up to be. One threesome I was completely ignored and left halfway through, the second threesome I was the center of attention but still didn't find it to the point where my body was on fire, and the orgy was inexperienced to say the least so it may be my experiences that turned me off of them but it is also my firm standpoint that I do not wish to be shared. I submit to one hand and one hand only if that hand is worthy of my submission which my Master's is.

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:12:47 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009


quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM

Anything that brings another person into a relationship is a no-no for me. Simply put I don't like to share and I don't like being shared........

Nothing against your view or your experience OP just stating the other side for debate reasons.



LunaM,
And I was hoping that some people would share your perspective on the topic.

Threads about cuckolding on CM are usually just voyeur fantasies. I was hoping that we could have a serious discussion in which all aspects of it are expressed. That way, when someone contemplates the idea of "adding a third party to their relationship", they can search out this thread and find some insightful and helpful commentary on the topic.



And what better way to learn?
I have no physical experience except for past experiences in vanilla relationships where I have broken my hard limit and tried a threesome and was even part of an orgy. It may have been the caliber of people but as my limited experience at that time taught me it was not all it was cracked up to be. One threesome I was completely ignored and left halfway through, the second threesome I was the center of attention but still didn't find it to the point where my body was on fire, and the orgy was inexperienced to say the least so it may be my experiences that turned me off of them but it is also my firm standpoint that I do not wish to be shared. I submit to one hand and one hand only if that hand is worthy of my submission which my Master's is.


Same boyfriend, we tried the man man woman set up too. I thought well its a bit different maybe thats for me. Same thing, skin crawled. But hey I gave it a chance anyway! I simply dont like to share either. But for some it might be a whole new open concept that broadens their horizons and makes them feel enlightened, excited, and victorious.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 3/5/2012 10:14:06 AM >

(in reply to LunaM)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:14:07 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM

And what better way to learn?
I have no physical experience except for past experiences in vanilla relationships where I have broken my hard limit and tried a threesome and was even part of an orgy. It may have been the caliber of people but as my limited experience at that time taught me it was not all it was cracked up to be. .......I submit to one hand and one hand only if that hand is worthy of my submission which my Master's is.


Let me ask you a question, since you said that your Master has earned your submission. What if he said that he wanted to have sex with another woman. As your Master, couldn't he ask that of you? And as his Slave, shouldn't you be willing to accept that from him?

One thing that I find is that my feelings about cuckolding differ based on the relationship. The more solid our relationship is, the more open I feel to accepting being cuckolded.

But the one thing that is a firm rule for me is that it has to just be sex with the other party. My Domme and I typically agree that the relationships with the outsiders will strictly be physical, and she will not "fall in love" with them. So if she engaged in standard "dating activities", like romantic dinners, walks on the beach holding hands, hours of telephone conversations, etc., that WOULD constitute cheating.

Some people might argue that there's no such thing as "cheating" once you've accepted being cuckolded, but I beg to differ. I think that you can lay down specific ground rules, and if those are violated, then it's cheating.

(in reply to LunaM)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:19:16 AM   
LunaM


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009


quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM

And what better way to learn?
I have no physical experience except for past experiences in vanilla relationships where I have broken my hard limit and tried a threesome and was even part of an orgy. It may have been the caliber of people but as my limited experience at that time taught me it was not all it was cracked up to be. .......I submit to one hand and one hand only if that hand is worthy of my submission which my Master's is.


Let me ask you a question, since you said that your Master has earned your submission. What if he said that he wanted to have sex with another woman. As your Master, couldn't he ask that of you? And as his Slave, shouldn't you be willing to accept that from him?

One thing that I find is that my feelings about cuckolding differ based on the relationship. The more solid our relationship is, the more open I feel to accepting being cuckolded.

But the one thing that is a firm rule for me is that it has to just be sex with the other party. My Domme and I typically agree that the relationships with the outsiders will strictly be physical, and she will not "fall in love" with them. So if she engaged in standard "dating activities", like romantic dinners, walks on the beach holding hands, hours of telephone conversations, etc., that WOULD constitute cheating.

Some people might argue that there's no such thing as "cheating" once you've accepted being cuckolded, but I beg to differ. I think that you can lay down specific ground rules, and if those are violated, then it's cheating.



He has earned my submission and I am his slave however I am still a person with my own thoughts and feelings. A relationship whether it be D/s or not is still a relationship at its base and requires the give and take every relationship requires. I do not question my Master, he is in control and has eloquently shown he is more than capable of being in control. We have had conversations about cuckolding/bringing in another person and they simply are not for us. Our relationship brings us to new levels everyday as we constantly learn and grow from one another and on our own that it is never in question.

You bring up a good point. Varying definitions of cheating also come into play. My definition of cheating is anything that is intimate touching. A hug or a kiss on the cheek is fine but a full on smackaroo on the lips and some fondling is cheating. So therein lies another conundrum for the cuckolding scenario, an individual's opinion of cheating.

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:30:13 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM

You bring up a good point. Varying definitions of cheating also come into play. My definition of cheating is anything that is intimate touching. A hug or a kiss on the cheek is fine but a full on smackaroo on the lips and some fondling is cheating. So therein lies another conundrum for the cuckolding scenario, an individual's opinion of cheating.


Exactly! That's why cuckolding has so much potential for failure and hurt.

Two people may think that they're agreeing to the same thing, but they each may have very different definitions of cuckolding. So one may violate the other person's definition, while being true to their own.

For example, I wouldn't see your example of a "smackaroo on the lips" as cheating, and you probably don't see my example of talking on the telephone as cheating. So if you and I were in a cuckold relationship, we might accidentally offend one another while thinking that we had done nothing wrong.

(in reply to LunaM)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:33:50 AM   
MrsT301


Posts: 48
Joined: 2/28/2012
Status: offline 		I don't mind sharing, and wouldn't mind being cuckolded by my husband. Provided I was the main relationship and the other girl was just a secondary relationship. But I guess this goes more into poly than cuckolding. I have come to realize though that the number of women who would have any interest in that type of dynamic would be very few and far between. After all there's not much in it for them other than gratuitous sex (which most women can pretty much get anytime they feel like it anyway just by going out to a bar any night of the week). So for us this remains in the realm of just fantasy.

(in reply to LunaM)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:36:29 AM   
LunaM


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009


quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM

You bring up a good point. Varying definitions of cheating also come into play. My definition of cheating is anything that is intimate touching. A hug or a kiss on the cheek is fine but a full on smackaroo on the lips and some fondling is cheating. So therein lies another conundrum for the cuckolding scenario, an individual's opinion of cheating.


Exactly! That's why cuckolding has so much potential for failure and hurt.

Two people may think that they're agreeing to the same thing, but they each may have very different definitions of cuckolding. So one may violate the other person's definition, while being true to their own.

For example, I wouldn't see your example of a "smackaroo on the lips" as cheating, and you probably don't see my example of talking on the telephone as cheating. So if you and I were in a cuckold relationship, we might accidentally offend one another while thinking that we had done nothing wrong.




I definitely agree with you on that point which is why communication needs to be clear and more importantly honest. Like deadpan honesty is needed to ensure both parties understand exactly what they are entering into

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:49:13 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't consider it cheating because you knew about it and consented to it. There was no secrecy involved. Although the first time was cheating because you didn't know. After that, you had the choice to accept it or to walk and you chose to accept it.

I'm ignoring that whole sideline of love being something that corrupts you because it is nonsensical. Feelings aren't facts. Smart people recognize their feelings and use their brains to decide if what they feel is healthy for them to explore or not. If you decide to ignore reality, you get what you deserve. There isn't a person on earth who hasn't felt chemistry for someone they don't like and don't respect. Which doesn't mean you can't overrule your genitals.

It's not something that would work for me. Humiliation isn't healthy or erotic for me. Since it is for you, then I can well see that you chose to stay in the relationship because you were getting enough of what you need.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LunaM)
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RE: A serious discussion about cuckolding - 3/5/2012 10:49:34 AM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		I've twice been in a position close to cuckolding, but in neither did it quite match my definitions.

Oversimplifying here (to avoid essays) I see cuckolding as
she takes another lover
despite the objections of husband/partner
with his knowledge
and including a measure of humiliation. Your definition may vary.

Cheating is (for me) going behind the partner's back, and may (or may not) lead to cuckolding.

In one instance I had a married lover, and had a threesome with the couple. He approved (they were swingers) so I would define that as a threesome - not as cuckolding - with cheating being arguable - she was unfaithful - but he approved - I could argue that one both ways.

In the other I declined to cuckold. It was a long held fantasy of the couple but while the fantasy was highly arousing to all involved, I gained no sense that the husband had thought through the possibilities of jealousy etc, or how he might react seeing the reality.

So, close... but no cigar.....

(in reply to LunaM)
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