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two worlds of trust - 6/8/2006 8:41:38 PM

sskitten

Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
Status: offline

I have read often on these boards statements such as:

"Once a cheater, always a cheater."
"If he's lying to his wife, sooner or later he will lie to you."

I am here to say that's not how it looks from where I sit! Many of us find ourselves in two worlds of trust: we are secretly breaking trust in our vanilla marriages but it is vital to us to be trusted and trusting in the D/s world.

You may wonder how and why we can live by two different standards. The foundation of any meaningful relationship should be trust, so how can we possibly claim to be trustworthy in the D/s world if we cannot be trusted in our marriages? I can only speak for myself, and I do not claim to be justifying cheating. I am only claiming that I am passionate about being 100% open and honest in my D/s relationship.

I live in two different worlds of trust because I have been evolving as a person but my marriage cannot accommodate the person I've become, and so I feel I must pretend to be the person I was, the person who lived for decades with a vanilla life alongside a raging D/s inner fantasy life. Even if I hadn't chosen to cheat, I would still be living a lie, pretending to be content and vanilla. The truth would destroy my marriage, whether the truth of my cheating or the truth of the depth of my longings. And while my choices are hurting my husband though he is unaware, the truth would hurt him more. I am lying to protect him from the harsh pain of the truth that he cannot meet his wife's needs.

There are many ways in which my D/s relationship is helping me to learn and grow and be a better person. One of the most important aspects of my relationship is the understanding that I am to be 100% transparent to my Dom. I know that our relationship depends upon it, and my submission depends upon it, and my growth depends upon it.

Yes, I do realize that my marriage depends upon it too (or at least on trust if not 100% transparency), but I have never been able to tell my husband when I'm unhappy, because he does not try to work toward a constructive solution; it is guaranteed to degenerate into an argument where he is both defensive and accusatory. The funny thing is that his main gripe with me is that I always have to have my own way... when inside myself I am longing to submit... but not to him.

There is absolutely no point in risking my marriage for a D/s relationship unless it is filling an unmet need in me - the deep longing to give over control to another person and put myself and my trust in another's hands. I know I must bring the best of myself to this relationship if I am to be worthy of his trust and if I am to learn what submission is really all about and if I am to peel back the layers to expose my whole self to my Dom and to myself.

One time I started to do something that I knew would not please him. And then all of a sudden it struck me with a shock that I must tell him and face the consequences, no matter what. I knew that if I hid anything from my Dom then there would be no point to the relationship at all. Even though I burst into tears at the realization that I would have to tell him (minor transgression though it was), at the same moment a huge wave of gratitude and relief swept through me too. For I realized that this full accountability and transparency is a big part of what I have been longing for in my quest for submission, and that even when it is difficult, it is what I want and need.

Trust is obtainable in my D/s relationship. Trust *is* my D/s relationship. It permeates everything. I lay myself bare to my Dom. I hide myself from my husband. This is my life. I wish I did not lead a fractured life but it is how I manage to make peace inside myself, even though it is sometimes an uneasy peace.

And this is how and why I live in two worlds of trust.

(I do not expect to change anyone's mind here. And I know there are plenty of cheaters in the world of BDSM as well as the vanilla world. This is just one humble kitten's perspective, shared as well by some trusted friends in the D/s world.)

By the way, I've mentioned it a couple of times before, but for those of you who, like me, have made the hard decision to cheat in your marriage and would like to be able to discuss related issues in a nonjudgmental environment, I've started a Yahoo group for this purpose and we have been having some very lively and meaningful discussions. The group is:

Two Flavors - http://groups.yahoo.com/group/two_flavors
(one flavor is vanilla; the other is whatever you want it to be)

Kitten