RE: Submissive in sexless marriage

Post #: 81

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:26:02 AM

Posts: 61
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Lucky Albatross,

I have never said my husband was a sucky person. He is actually quite charming. I never said I hated him, in fact I think I said I love him. He is not abusive, so you say there is no emotional trap here. Ooooh, but you are so wrong. But, I have read many of your posts on this sight and I know that it is not your way to be sympathetic...you are in the "dump him if he's not perfect" crowd. There are a lot of people on collarme who are regulars on the message boards that seem to recommend "dumping people" quite easily, quite frequently, without a second thought. Do you REALLY think I would be here (still in my marriage) if there was not some emotional trap??? Granted, it may be a trap I have participated in making for myself......that doesn't make it any less of a trap.

And meatcleaver, for you.........no.....he doesn't want me to leave him. He has BEGGED me to stay, cried, promised to try and do better (which I don't think he is capable of). His trap is one of societal morals that says that under NO circumstances, can he allow me another sexual partner. But he is terrified of being alone and he is terrified of losing the life that we have built together. I am VERY AWARE OF THIS.

Do I CHOOSE to stay here? Yeah, I guess you could say that I have chosen to stay until I can get up the courage to wreck his life. And it WILL wreck his life....make NO mistake about that. So forgive me if you somehow think less of me because I am finding it hard to make that move. I know it will come.....and I promise you that when I do, there is going to be a fair amount of the collarme crowd that will look down on THAT decision as well.

I would like to remind those of you that are so happy in your lives that you can look down on people who are not so happy in theirs, that I didn't come to this board to ask for your advice, or for your blessings. I came to this board to share my experience with someone who WAS looking for advice, and to let that person know that I am in a similar experience and that I have a name for what is wrong.

I think I might recommend for fun that those of you who wish to pass judgement on those of us who don't have the benefit of strong self esteems, healthy senses of self worth, go to a couple of Co-dependence annonymous groups and tell us how we all DESERVE what we get because of our deficiencies. NOBODY deserves this. I KNOW I have a problem. I'm sorry that it bugs you so much that you feel you must step on those of us that suffer this problem, just a little harder.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 82

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:27:46 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

Love doesn't exist. It is a sugarcoated veneer we put over a relationship that we have becaue we are emotionally and physically attracted to someone for subliminal animalistic reasons. The problem is that relationships become a habit forming, self serving and difficult to break off.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 83

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:31:29 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: incognitobynight
you are in the "dump him if he's not perfect" crowd.

Nooo. I'm in the "you've spent years trying to work things out and communicate and there are no signs of progress or him changing so you can either accept it or leave" crowd.

quote:

I KNOW I have a problem. I'm sorry that it bugs you so much that you feel you must step on those of us that suffer this problem, just a little harder.

Like I said from the beginning- you've made your choice, so deal with it. I'm sorry your "friends" felt some need to bring this out in public and for you to feel the need to out yourself about it. You've obviously decided this is the best thing for you in your life, so there really shouldn't be any more need to discuss the point.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to incognitobynight)

Post #: 84

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:32:15 AM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

Love doesn't exist. It is a sugarcoated veneer we put over a relationship that we have becaue we are emotionally and physically attracted to someone for subliminal animalistic reasons. The problem is that relationships become a habit forming, self serving and difficult to break off.

Maybe in your world. But in my world, love does exsist.

_____________________________

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 85

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:32:30 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

I don't think less of anyone because I am not informed of a situation without having lived it. Discussions on the thread are just that and not enough for me to form an opinion of anyone even if I wanted to and thought I had a right to do so. I think if I formed an opinion of anyone on such measley information I would be forming it out of ignorance.

(in reply to incognitobynight)

Post #: 86

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:33:57 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

Maybe in your world. But in my world, love does exsist.

But in your own words or at least Tina Turner's 'What's love got to do with it?'

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 6/21/2006 6:34:33 AM >

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 87

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:49:27 AM

Posts: 61
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Who the f--k said anything about "outing anything" or "being outed". I'm talking about your insistence on saying that I have made a choice to stay and that I somehow deserve what is happening. I'm telling you that you have NO WAY of knowing what I deserve or don't deserve. Over and over and over, I have read where you so careless toss people aside because you do not find them good enough for you. I am a different kind of person, and I don't find that kind of careless behavior to come so easily to me. My husband does not deliberately choose to hurt me. I don't wish to hurt him. I know what I am going to do IS going to hurt him.........forgive me if that gives me no reason to rejoice.

NOTHING I have said to you about how people like myself suffer guilt (and the great lengths I have gone to explain how they come to the guilt they suffer) whether it is justified or not, means ANYTHING to you. You disregard everything I tried to say, and sum it all up with a the "Dump him or shut up" remark that I spoke of in my first post. i.e., ("You've obviously decided this is the best thing for you in your life, so there really shouldn't be any more need to discuss the point.")

ATTENTION EVERYONE: LA SAYS THERE IS NO MORE NEED TO DISCUSS THIS. THEREFORE........THAT MUST MEAN THERE IS NO MORE NEED TO DISCUSS IT. PERIOD.

I may not post on here as often as you do, but I think that I will decide for myself when I have discussed it to where there is no further need to discuss it.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 88

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:54:11 AM

GddssBella

Posts: 343
Joined: 2/24/2004
Status: offline

G'morning all:

ibn, your justifications are just excuses. Either divorce him or stop griping. Being codependent doesn't mean being spineless. Codependency has to do to with being under the control of someone with a pathological condition.

mc, who pissed in your Wheaties this am? Because that sounded incredibly bitter. Love exists. I know. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful sub. We're in love. Perhaps if you ditched the extreme cynicism, you might get lucky too.

Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...

Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!"

(in reply to incognitobynight)

Post #: 89

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:56:56 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

I have read the posts and have been touched by what Susan of O and Incognito have written. Both have been there, and their replies were heart felt and honest.

Many people have opinions but as I see it, until you've "walked a mile in someone else's shoes" then, it's best to listen with an open mind, respect it for what its worth and recognize that although you may not have 'been there'....pray that you never will have to 'be in those shoes.'

Funny how many people can be insensitive to situations they've never encountered.

Susan...Incognitio---thank you for sharing. I will make sure to direct my friend to this thread.

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to incognitobynight)

Post #: 90

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:58:30 AM

Posts: 61
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Gddssbella....I am assuming you are speaking to the OP, because once again, I was sharing an experience....I was not griping nor asking advice, a detail gleefully overlooked by many on this board.

(in reply to GddssBella)

Post #: 91

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:58:59 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GddssBella
Codependency has to do to with being under the control of someone with a pathological condition.
Bella

(eye roll)...lol

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to GddssBella)

Post #: 92

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:59:45 AM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

Maybe in your world. But in my world, love does exsist.

But in your own words or at least Tina Turner's 'What's love got to do with it?'

Yes, but I didnt say that love doesnt exsist. I was referring to doing something that you know is right, and be true to yourself as you do it. If I was with someone and I saw that they were unhappy, due to something that I am doing or not doing, I would release them, no matter how much I love them. For that matter, maybe it is based on how much I do love them, that I release them. Either way, love has something to do with it.

If you read my reply to LA, you will note I was agreeing with this statement:

quote:

If I can't give them what they need AND be true to myself, then no measure of love in the world will make us happy together. I refuse to betray myself and what *I* know is right for myself.

This is why I said "What's love got to do with it?"

_____________________________

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 93

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:00:17 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

....wow..it's good to know there are so many licensed psychologists submitting posts! (WEG)

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 94

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:00:56 AM

Posts: 61
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Thank you irishbynature for your kind words. You are a good friend to the woman you have spoken of. Knowing there are others in your situation, having a name for what it is, and sharing experiences is the first step in determining what is the best course of action for your particular situation.

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 95

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:03:30 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Well, if she leaves and goes into a sub frenzy, send her to me before LA gets ahold of her and talks some more sense into her.

LA has had some insightful posts; however they don't fit the condition or situation. Her opinions/insight are respected, but are not as close to the situation as Susan's and Incognito's.
Warmly,
Irish

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 96

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:04:14 AM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: irishbynature

....wow..it's good to know there are so many licensed psychologists submitting posts! (WEG)

The disclaimer on the license I got out of cracker jacks said not good on CM forums. You should see me on other forums!

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 97

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:04:39 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: irishbynature
Funny how many people can be insensitive to situations they've never encountered.

I know that my aunt spent 12 years in a marriage with an alcoholic. I know she spent years trying to get him to go to counseling. I know she went on her own when he refused to go. I know she went to church every week, prayed every day and cried almost every day trying to find an answer because she felt that as a good wife she should not leave her husband, that she could not bear to break her commitments, and that she needed to stay with him and make it work.

I know that 2 years ago she died at age 42, in good health, of heart failure, leaving their two children in the care of their alcoholic father.

I think no one should presume to know what someone else has or has not experienced and is capable of understanding.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 98

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:06:02 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: incognitobynight

Thank you irishbynature for your kind words. You are a good friend to the woman you have spoken of. Knowing there are others in your situation, having a name for what it is, and sharing experiences is the first step in determining what is the best course of action for your particular situation.

Thanks Incognito! Again...your own insight and experiences were exactly what the OP was seeking....she'll be fine and will leave in 3 years. Hugs, Irish

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to incognitobynight)

Post #: 99

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:09:42 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: irishbynature
Funny how many people can be insensitive to situations they've never encountered.

I think no one should presume to know what someone else has or has not experienced and is capable of understanding.

Yes, however, this was your Aunt...? The OP expressed seeking insight for the same situation, which can be, I imagine as complicated as living with a drinking problem. But, it was your Aunt, and not you. Correct?
Respectfully,
Irish

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)