quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

The so-called daddy dom is a creation of the Internet. Back a few years ago, I had coed subs and others under 30 since. Not a single one ever called me daddy let alone perceive me as one or a pedophile as of course they were all of age.

I beg to differ. Daddy Doms existed before the internet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

The so-called daddy dom is a creation of the Internet. Back a few years ago, I had coed subs and others under 30 since. Not a single one ever called me daddy let alone perceive me as one or a pedophile as of course they were all of age.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

The so-called daddy dom is a creation of the Internet. Back a few years ago, I had coed subs and others under 30 since. Not a single one ever called me daddy let alone perceive me as one or a pedophile as of course they were all of age.

I beg to differ. Daddy Doms existed before the internet.

Thank you. It always bothers Me when people post such incorrect information.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I'm sorry but I thought this thread wasn't about a personal vendetta. I thought you were genuinely interested in what a 'Daddy Dom' in general is, when in fact what you were doing is talking about an issue specific to you. I feel as though I have just been dragged into a kangaroo court and so at this point I'm out of here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

I’m feeling paralyzed by fear. I don’t even know where to turn for answers. I am hoping that TOS guidelines won’t interfere with a rational and informative discussion of this topic. I simply seek clarity. These are my questions:

Question 1

Is a Daddy Dom a pedophile psychologically, but he behaves physically/sexually only with adults?

Am I psychologically damaged because I prefer older men? No. If I ever even suspected a man to have true pedophile feelings...I would be out of there so fast... I can't even tell you. The men I've been with...it's not a physical thing.. it's mental and emotional desire to love, care for, and guide their lg.

I believe people are sexually unique for three reasons:
1) Born that way You could say I was born this way... I never dated anyone under the age of 34... but I didn't start dating until 18.
2) An early event linked sexuality and (fill in the blank/fetish) You can say that as well... my earliest sexual experience was when I was 18..with an older man.
3) Choice. I choose to be with older men because I like them more.


Question 2

So, if a guy is sexually aroused and attracted to all things youthful and he acts on it, it’s a crime and a horror. But, if that same guy channels those feelings into mutually consensual behavior with another adult, or adults, then I think we’d all want to support that “use” of those feelings, right?

I'm not sure if I'm understanding this question correctly, but I will give it a shot. What makes you think that all Daddy Doms are attracted to all things youthful? Are you talking about coloring and barbies? I think you're implying that ALL Daddy Doms have pedophilia feelings, and some choose to use them in a non-criminal way. That is an incorrect assumption. I wouldn't support the "use" of any true pedophilia feelings. Ever.

Question 3

Daddy Doms and pedophiles “groom” the focus of their attention, using praise, gifts and a sense of dependence. But do they share these other qualities as well:
1. I would think any partner I'm with should focus some attention on me and the relationship.
2. Praise is another word for... words of affirmation. In my opinion.. they are required for a healthy.. well balanced relationship. Who doesn't want to know they are appreciated?
3. A gift can be making a special meal for absolutely no reason. It can be creating a scrapbook to show how those moments meant something to you. Gifts are nice, and given by both parties in my relationship.
4. I'm a "free spirit" as he likes to say... and although I depend on him for moral support and help in making good judgements.. if I chose a path he didn't think was the best... he would chalk it up to.. "learning from my mistakes"

-a self-image as being younger than they really are? He knows he's older than I am.. he especially feels it when we go hiking.

-inability to maintain peer relationships? He has more peer relationships than I do. Talk about a "Chatty Charlie."

-a need for isolation, control and secrecy? Again, I'm a "free spirit".. he has some control.. but feels no need for secrecy and to isolate me.

-shame, self-loathing, but with a charming façade? He has no shame or self-loathing... he's his best promoter! He is rather charming.

- (fill in the blank with your own observations)?



Question 4

To anyone who has seen the film, “The Woodsman,” which shows how a woman accepts a pedophile’s need to express his sexuality in specific ways with her, do you agree that the Daddy Dom relationship is much like this? I've never seen it.

Question 5

As a submissive who is also a parent, how do you handle both your own emotions, and your responsibility to protect, knowing the Daddy Dom’s preference for youth? I'm not a parent. Are you asking how would someone protect their children around their significant other? If that's the case... they're with a pedophile, and NOT a Daddy Dom.

Question 6

As an aging human, how does it feel to be with a guy who is attracted to a look – an illusion – that will become more difficult to create with each passing day? I’m assuming that this feels good, or at least okay, but I wonder how that is achieved. He isn't attracted to a look or an illusion.. he is attracted to me.. a whole person. He knew me when I was 19, and he knows me now as a 24 year old. I don't fear for the day that I turn 25 or 26 or 35.. if our relationship is what we both believe it to be.. age is only a number. For us...our relationship is based on our emotional connection and our desire to be by each others side.

Question 7

To Daddy Doms & those they partner with & with everyone in our community…

What is being done already to protect innocents from harm? (This is at the core of what frightens me… is there a difference, if so, how can we tell?) How many "innocents" are on this site? We're all deviants. If you are again talking about protecting children.. then you're talking about a pedophile and not a Daddy Dom.

I sincerely hope we can skip the defense of the kink… THAT is not the issue, and there is an abundance of that point of view already. Could we focus on this other concern, please?

Thank you, Everyone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I'm sorry but I thought this thread wasn't about a personal vendetta. I thought you were genuinely interested in what a 'Daddy Dom' in general is, when in fact what you were doing is talking about an issue specific to you. I feel as though I have just been dragged into a kangaroo court and so at this point I'm out of here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

I really appreciate the time and thought people are putting into this topic, but I am still waiting for more people to offer their answers to the questions I've asked in my OP. It's a lot to consider, but perhaps answering even one of the original 7 would be great.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne



I really appreciate the time and thought people are putting into this topic, but I am still waiting for more people to offer their answers to the questions I've asked in my OP. It's a lot to consider, but perhaps answering even one of the original 7 would be great.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Question 1

Is a Daddy Dom a pedophile psychologically, but he behaves physically/sexually only with adults?

No. The term Daddy has a lot of different definitions within the kink community. Not all Daddies are even in Daddy/lg or boy dynamics. If you look at the leather culture, the term Daddy gets used for everything from a less strict leather household, to those who teach the beginning steps in the leather world, to those who are not as closely focused on obedience and form more guidance based relationships.


Okay, now I see the need to hone in on a specific type of Daddy Dom so my question is this:

"Is an incest-play or age-play, Daddy Dom, a pedophile psychologically, but he behaves physically/sexually only with adults?"

Question 2

So, if a guy is sexually aroused and attracted to all things youthful and he acts on it, it’s a crime and a horror. But, if that same guy channels those feelings into mutually consensual behavior with another adult, or adults, then I think we’d all want to support that “use” of those feelings, right?

I think you just laid some personal interpretations to the term Daddy that aren't necessarily correct for a lot of people. You're hitting on exactly the same incorrect assumption that had a lot of vanilla folks thinking that kinky folks *must* be drawn to UMs and that's where the perversion lies.


I don't know what "UM" means.

Question 3

Daddy Doms and pedophiles “groom” the focus of their attention, using praise, gifts and a sense of dependence. But do they share these other qualities as well:

-a self-image as being younger than they really are?

-inability to maintain peer relationships?

-a need for isolation, control and secrecy?

-shame, self-loathing, but with a charming façade?

- (fill in the blank with your own observations)?

Where are you getting these observations from in regard to Daddy Doms? I'm sitting here somewhat flabbergasted because of all of the names running through My head that are in the leather community who prefer the title of Daddy that are such complete opposites of what you describe above that I am trying to make the connection. These are men who have worked tirelessly in the leather community for decades, are renowned authors, educators, and have helped to change the acceptance of both the kink and homosexual lifestyles. Maybe you can clarify this.

These are questions. I'm not saying that A = B. I'm saying, A has x, y & z, in common with B - with the obvious differences of "age of consent" and "Consent." Beyond that... I'm asking if age players &/or incest players, are pedophiles in terms of sexual desire? Why is this question so inflammatory? Are rape players rapists? Of course not... but, within the realm of consent... it would seem that some aspects of excitement are shared.

I am skipping question four, as I haven't seen the movie.




Question 5

As a submissive who is also a parent, how do you handle both your own emotions, and your responsibility to protect, knowing the Daddy Dom’s preference for youth?

I haven't read the thread, but I'm suspecting right about now, there are a number of folks who prefer the title of Daddy or those who call their Dominant "Daddy" are getting pretty darn offended by now.


I see what you mean. I hope that refining my original "label" from "Daddy Dom" to Daddy Dom - incest & or age-player" fixes that.

Question 6

As an aging human, how does it feel to be with a guy who is attracted to a look – an illusion – that will become more difficult to create with each passing day? I’m assuming that this feels good, or at least okay, but I wonder how that is achieved.

Question 7

To Daddy Doms & those they partner with & with everyone in our community…

What is being done already to protect innocents from harm? (This is at the core of what frightens me… is there a difference, if so, how can we tell?)

Wow. Why don't you just ask what is protecting people on the street because I'm a sadist and that must mean that I want to harm anyone that I come across? I enjoy inflicting pain, so that must relate that I am out to inflict it on anyone and everyone.

I do pay attention to safety issues "on the street" and do my part to contribute. I'm not really concerned about internet relationships and safety... my focus is more on what happens after meeting in R/L.

In my experience, sadists have been the most responsible, empathetic and emotionally generous group I've encountered in BDSM. I think that is because they take the most risks and have a need to know the effects of their actions upon others. Just a guess... So, no, I'm not thinking that sadists want to harm anyone! I really don't follow your reasoning on this point. Am I missing something here?

I think it would be really beneficial to you to stop doing you research on the internet and get out to your kink and/or leather community so you can have some of your false premises debunked.


I do attend local community gatherings, have hosted a couple and do engage in one-on-one friendships with other lifestylers. Still, I am relatively new to this and am open to all avenues of learning. I will say that internet research does offer some protection from the awkward nature of this conversation. This forum is a kind of middle ground, I think, because it allows for multiple perspectives and experiences to be shared and this is helpful... at least, for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

For the most part daddy doms that I have known were not into some kinky version of "come here little girl, I have candy." They were more along the lines of nurturers. If they had partners where there was a sexual element I never witnessed the sort of behavior that goes on in CHAT rooms (where things are not real). Of course, I was not privvy to their bedrooms and did not witness that, but from what I personally observed it was a relationship just like any other.
I would also mention that those few couples I knew were not raising children. And that of the 3 couples, only 1 of them was significantly older than his "little girl".

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

I’m feeling paralyzed by fear. I don’t even know where to turn for answers. I am hoping that TOS guidelines won’t interfere with a rational and informative discussion of this topic. I simply seek clarity. These are my questions:

Question 1

Is a Daddy Dom a pedophile psychologically, but he behaves physically/sexually only with adults?

I believe people are sexually unique for three reasons:
1) Born that way
2) An early event linked sexuality and (fill in the blank/fetish)
3) Choice.

Question 2

So, if a guy is sexually aroused and attracted to all things youthful and he acts on it, it’s a crime and a horror. But, if that same guy channels those feelings into mutually consensual behavior with another adult, or adults, then I think we’d all want to support that “use” of those feelings, right?

Question 3

Daddy Doms and pedophiles “groom” the focus of their attention, using praise, gifts and a sense of dependence. But do they share these other qualities as well:

-a self-image as being younger than they really are?

-inability to maintain peer relationships?

-a need for isolation, control and secrecy?

-shame, self-loathing, but with a charming façade?

- (fill in the blank with your own observations)?

quote:

sexually aroused and attracted to all things youthful and he acts on it, it’s a crime and a horror. But, if that same guy

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

What is being done already to protect innocents from harm? (This is at the core of what frightens me… is there a difference, if so, how can we tell?)

Wow. Why don't you just ask what is protecting people on the street because I'm a sadist and that must mean that I want to harm anyone that I come across? I enjoy inflicting pain, so that must relate that I am out to inflict it on anyone and everyone.

I do pay attention to safety issues "on the street" and do my part to contribute. I'm not really concerned about internet relationships and safety... my focus is more on what happens after meeting in R/L.

In my experience, sadists have been the most responsible, empathetic and emotionally generous group I've encountered in BDSM. I think that is because they take the most risks and have a need to know the effects of their actions upon others. Just a guess... So, no, I'm not thinking that sadists want to harm anyone! I really don't follow your reasoning on this point. Am I missing something here?

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoHeartsBeatOne

Thanks for your thoughtful reply TheLilSquaw.

I knew, and agree with/ accept as true, everything you wrote in your post.

My questions are not a byproduct of not knowing these things. The questions go further than these facts, which is why I asked that a "defense of the kink" not be addressed. I'm assuming that we all think Daddy Doms are participants in an acceptable, life-style, kink. My questions go beyond that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Fast reply

Maria has said some wonderful things and I really hope if you take nothing else away from this thread, you should really take on board what she says.

When you say 'does a paedophile need the real thing?' - it depends how you look at 'need'. They need it to get aroused. That's what the term means. They don't necessarily need to act on it, but many will never be attracted to an adult, and never be able to have a successful sexual relationship with an adult. So it's not as simple as being attracted to under-tens, so having your thirty-five year old partner wear pigtails and that will do - it won't happen. An adult will never convincingly pass for a child (and I'm not talking an 18 year old pretending to be 16), there will never be the same imbalance of power, the same social-cultural ideas about innocence or any of the other things that contribute to the appeal. Even if the person was able to enjoy that type of encounter, it doesn't make the paedophilia go away.

I am absolutely sympathetic to any person who finds themself wired this way and does not act on it. What a difficult life that must be! Imagine the difficulty in removing yourself from temptation, the loneliness of knowing you will likely never have an intimate relationship, the fear of others finding out and the backlash. I don't know what sort of help is out there for these people, but I'm guessing not much. People don't want to help paedophiles, even good paedophiles. In much of the UK, if you feel like you might abuse your partner or you have committed domestic abuse and you want to join a program to help you change your behaviour, you won't be eligible unless you have been convicted. There is little to no help for people who are trying to work on their issues without being forced. I imagine it is the same for paedophiles - you can't just go to Paedophiles anonymous. And if you could, would people go or would they be afraid of being outed? All in all, it's a horrible situation.

So yes, I think it is possible to have a dark side and to want not to act on it. But I don't think these people become daddy doms. A domestic violence perpetrator will not be able to use BDSM to scratch the urge to knock his partner about because those desires come from different places and different parts of the personality. Some doms will also be abusive. You may well have come across one who also had a sexual attraction to underage girls. It does not mean that the majority of daddy-doms are ethical paedophiles, rather there may be some overlap in the two groups - just as there is an overlap between the groups 'daddy dom' and 'accountant' or 'cello player' and 'paedophile'.

The vast majority of people who enjoy age play would be repulsed by the idea of doing sexual things with a minor. Just like the vast majority of sadists would be horrified to think of hurting someone who wanted no part of it. Having your consenting adult partner, with an adult mind and all related adult parts, dress up or speak a certain way, might be hot or enjoyable. That doesn't mean they'd get the same feelings from an actual encounter with an underage person.

And as others have said, many who do age-play have no sexual contact during the time they are in that frame of mind. Others might use the term 'daddy' to denote a nurturing relationship and not at any time take part in age play.

I am a parent, and I am not frightened of my child being around daddy-doms any more than I would be wary of my child being around any adult that I don't know very well. The sad fact of child sexual abuse is that abusers don't come in neatly labeled packets. The offender is often a parent, cousin, neighbour, uncle, babysitter, sports coach or other 'trustworthy' adult. I know of at least three women in my life who were sexually abused by a step-parent. That doesn't make me want to keep my child away from anyone who is a step-parent. If anything I'm sure a paedophile with the intention of victimizing my child would be unlikely to identify as a daddy-dom to me in case I drew the same conclusion as you have.

What is being done to protect the innocents? Well that depends on your community. Here I know that people working with children require criminal records checks, there are extensive information-sharing protocols in place between agencies like police, health and social services, children are taught about safer-strangers, there are helplines to report concerns and every adult who comes into contact with a child is obliged to report suspected abuse. None of that relate specifically to the BDSM community, because that's for adults only. Even if I believed a certain person I meet at the dungeon might actually be attracted to children, what can I do over and above what's already happening? He or she isn't interacting with children or doing anything wrong, and may never do so.

I have never seen your film. What I will say is that of the few daddy-dom relationships I know of personally, I've never known any 'grooming' to take place. Grooming suggests manipulation. In all the cases I have known, the two adults have got to know each other and negotiated the terms of their relationship on equal footing. As for the other things on your list of traits, I've seen people who have some of these across the spectrum of relationship types - doms, subs, vanilla people, etc. They are red flags but not only for paedophiles, but for all sorts of people with abusive traits or just poor relationship skills.

PS. I'd like to say that this has been a very controlled and civil discussion of what is naturally a tough and distressing topic, which is great to see.