Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship?

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Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 11:49:40 AM

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Food for thought

Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship?

This was a conversation myself and a former sub had, I thought it was interesting.

Granted when you think of it without putting much thought you think oh the Dom does, well thats to a point. I speak for myself here not everyone, granted its easy to bark orders (in your subs mind this is disrespectful if she or he is new to you,,granted not always the case because lets face it some like it that way) but in order to have a healthy D/s relationship trust, caring, and kindness must also be displayed just as much if not more than the rough side.
So that being said, I believe demanding something of someone upon first contact is silly, irrational, and disrespectful. The conclusion that myself and my former sub came to is, the submission of one to another is a gift. The submissive is willing to allow you to take control. They trust you with giving them what they desire(sexually that is), to protect them, guidance, and safety. My sub (we will call her Eve) was new to the scene when I met her, but she was very curious and willing to learn. I've had prior subs before Eve but she was the first one to question different aspects, and actually open my eyes to things I haven't thought of before. I believe the Dom only holds as much power as the submissive is willing to give them. Also on the flip side, the Dom holds as much power within that margin as he/she desires. Some are willing do the 24/7 and others its a bedroom or once in a blue moon deal.
So what are your thoughts?
Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship?

RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 11:53:37 AM

stef

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zpenguin

Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship?

Everyone involved holds equal power.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 11:58:54 AM

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We're in a M/s relationship and there is no doubt who holds the power.

He does.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 11:58:56 AM

Level

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FR

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< Message edited by Level -- 3/3/2013 11:59:37 AM >

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 12:06:24 PM

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I don't believe either party carries more power than the other. I think it's a relationship, just like any other, where there is 50/50 give and take. Both are giving something to get what they desire and both can leave at any time if they're not getting what they want.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 12:11:40 PM

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Although, my submission is a gift....

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 12:13:42 PM

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Wow, thanks for the quick responses. I loved the Pulp Fiction pic lmfao, that was fantastic. I was curious to hear other peoples thoughts on this topic..

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 12:18:08 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

Although, my submission is a gift....

LA LA LA.....I CAN'T HEAR YOOOUUUU

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 12:23:07 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

Although, my submission is a gift....

Where's my paddle...

Seriously, the main issue I have with the "gift" idea is it is often accompanied with an "I'm a princess" mentality.

As for who holds the power, as has been said, both do, to various degrees. Can either side end the relationship? Well, there's the power.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 12:23:44 PM

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Both Dom and sub have the power to end the relationship, so that part balances out.
The Dom has some amount of additional power that the slave gives them as part of that relationship. So the Dom has more power overall.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 1:07:17 PM

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At any time, clip has the power to walk out the door. I have the same power of leaving the dynamic, so that equals out.

As far as what happens within the dynamic, that's Me. Yes, he chooses to obey and give Me the authority, but in that bottom line concept, that means the power is Mine because he gave it to Me.

No, this doesn't apply to the notion of first contacts where someone happens to be a Dominant and the other person happens to be a sub. I find that comparison to established dynamics somewhat ridiculous.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 1:18:31 PM

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Really, to me, it's whomever is most willing to end it, should it not prove to be what they want.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 1:27:27 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I would say it's 50 50. but there's grey area's too. so it depends on each relationship.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 1:29:11 PM

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~FR~

I believe we both have equal power to end the relationship.

But when it comes to the nitty-gritty of what happens IN the relationship, then he holds the power.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 1:45:27 PM

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I find that the concepts of power, control, and authority are often confused.
Power is something which is directed by control by someone who has proper authority to do so.
The most powerful person can have no control, elect to have no control.
Someone with great control and power can have no authority.
They have common correlations but are still variable based on the situation.

Therefore, I would say that a Slave or a Master could be the most powerful piece in the relationship.
Depending on the people.
The control in the relationship is intended to be surrendered to the Master based on their worthiness of authority.

Original poster, you made a point I agree with, which is the idea that the dominant only has as much power as the submissive allows them.
(Though in my semantics, I would word that as that the dominant could only control or make use of as much as of the submissive's power as he/she had allowed to them.)
This is the case everywhere in life - An employer only gets as much use out of an employee as they can inspire.
Parents only get their children to act to standards which they can draw out of their children.
Masters only receive as much submission from Slaves as they are capable of inspiring.

To the idea of the 'gift of submission'.
If I were to say that I consider my service a gift.
I would also say that I feel as if I am given the 'gift of dominance' in that same vein.

My Master is honored that I serve him in my entirety.
I am honored and humbled that he works with me as his material, that he allows to me the pleasure of servicing him.

--

Since this topic was a 'food for thought'.
I would add this.
In a way, I would say that the role of Slave was inherently more powerful than the role of Master.

Because a Master cannot force a Slave to service them who does not desire to offer themselves over.
(Outside of abduction, death threats, and a whole other kind of slavery that is not applicable here.)
But a Slave can service anyone they deem worthy of their service, within or against their wishes.

In example, I cannot force someone to make my life more comfortable against their wishes.
If I cannot inspire them through money, affection, or what ever other means.
I will remain unassisted.

However, if I specifically did not want someone to assist me in my life.
And they desired greatly to service me.
I would have to struggle in order to prevent them from doing so.
And I would likely fail.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 1:56:51 PM

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You make some great points swan, thank you for posting

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 1:57:32 PM

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In my realtionship, neither one of us has more power over the other one ALL the time. We like to joke and say that I have 49% and He has 51% (meaning the final decision is always His). However there are situations that come up where I am the one who has the final say in the outcome and He will "concede" (for lack of a better term on my sleepy brain) to my wishes.
I am on the /s side of the equation in our dynamic, but He has delegated certain authority to me in our lives. It is my job to make sure His life is easier, calmer and has the least amount of stress possible. He very much dislikes to micromanage, so it is up to me quite frequently to figure out what it is that He would want me to do and handle it accordingly. That said, the thiings He does like to manage for me in our D/s are pretty well spelled out for me (my daily D/s related tasks for instance)
Sometimes even when we scene, it is my job as His submissive to take control (like when I need to safeword).
He is *mostly* in charge, (He says what I do) but I am *mostly* in control (I control if it actually happens). That said, unless there is a damned good reason for me not to follow His direction, I simply just do it because what we agreed on dictates that's what's gonna happen.

All in all, IMO *not so* humble opinion, it is up to each and every relationship to dictate the balance in their own dynamics. While I can explain my point of view and give examples from my life, that does not in any way mean that I feel whatever it is that yoou and yours have worked out is wrong. What's right for your relationship and makes you happy is the perfect thing to do. No one gets to tell you how to do things unless you invite them to.

Confusing enough? ;)

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 2:35:52 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Where's my paddle...

Oh no, please, anything but that...let me help you find it.

I agree with the other statements that when it comes to the interior of the relationship, the dominant has the power.
I can do things in an attempt to flip the coin in my favor, such as prancing around in something special or going above and beyond, but he still has the final say. If I mess up, he has the power to decide on funishment or denial (my real punishment).
I decided to give him that power, so it's still overall 50/50 to me.

As far as the submission is a gift statement, I really don't believe that's an accurate summation. Yes, I allowed him to take control but that does not mean he has to accept it.

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 2:39:44 PM

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To me, this has always been and will be, a power exchange.

So, I don't believe anyone should have more power than the other, beyond specific activities.

Well matched people give and take power in the flow of a relationship.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 3/3/2013 2:40:56 PM >

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RE: Who really holds the power in a D/s relationship? - 3/3/2013 2:47:29 PM

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I never really believed that submissives give me their power. I have my own power over my own life. A submissive chooses to be part of my life or not. That is their power. The choice to be with me as my submissive or to walk away. But my power or control is not about them. It's about me. Just as their power is about them and their choices.

(in reply to zpenguin)

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