Why would someone do this?

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Why would someone do this?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Why would someone do this?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 11:02:19 AM

Posts: 64
Joined: 2/14/2016
Status: offline

Ok little bit of a rant but honestly I want to know why someone would do this, outside of being plain rude or insensitive.

3 girls within a period of 3 weeks. I read through their profiles and posts in great detail. I felt there was a potential connection, so I wrote to them. Nothing creepy, plain old fashioned introduction, what I am looking for, why I liked her profile. An invitation to connect if she felt she would like to know me as well.

If they did not respond at this stage I would say its more than understandable. Surely girls get 100s of messages - makes perfect sense. Maybe did not read mine. Maybe read it but did not feel any possible chemistry. Perfectly good reasons. In an ideal world I would have loved it if they wrote a single line saying "No sorry". But forget it, that's just fine.

Here's the problem. They reply back. They exchange a few mails getting to know each other. Sometimes they will say we should chat on Skype, sometimes I brought it up while keeping it completely optional on their comfort level. Often they said yes. If they did not - great, just keep the mails going back and forth until the trust develops.

Then one fine day - boom! Girl 1 stops replying to any emails. Girl 2 blocks me. Girl 3 closes account and runs away. Honestly I am not hiding anything here - it was not that I said something shitty which caused them to do this. Then I would not be asking this question out in the open. It was like a bolt from the blue.

Seriously? For all the time we invested in each other, could I not have expected at least a "Sorry I dont think we'll gel well" ?

I dont mean to say girls are the only ones that do this. I am sure men (boys?) have done it too, just that it would be outside of my personal experience.

I would like to believe these people were not outright fakes. Yet... what is it about an online connection that makes people treat it as so fragile and cheap? I am sorry if I am being silly here but with time we start investing not only time but emotions too. Sometimes I go to the extent of worrying whether something actually happened to her.

Just to be clear that these fears are not unfounded - this had happened previously with a "little" I had been in touch with. Very attached, very sweet, perfectly genuine. Then disappeared for 4 FULL MONTHS. Turns up later. Turned out she had major mental illness (I knew about it) and was borderline suicidal. I wish she had trusted me enough to tell me about it. Nevertheless we are friends now.

Any thoughts gentlemen / ladies?

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 12:25:10 PM

Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

As much as I hate to say it, it does appear that they were not completely on the up and up. Most likely married, or just playing games, this is now the "norm" of connecting and meeting online and why I will absolutely refuse to "meet" anyone online now.

I mean, lack of reading comprehension of my profile, and just complete incompatibility caused me to give up on this type of venue.

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 1:29:19 PM

Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~
OP, do you know for certain that these were in fact women you were exchanging messages with? You mention that "often they said yes" to Skyping.

Here's the thing also. Given your location, and ostensibly being foreigners to one another conducting long-distance interactions, these ladies may have thought they should be agreeable with a maleDom but then had a change of heart. Possibly, seeing that there was little likelihood of a future to be had, as in an uncertain and unmapped future, without any guarantees (which creates a state of instability to a submissive, causing them additional stress and anxiety), who knows.

Why they couldn't be straightforward with you is hard to say. It could be that they didn't want to confront you; I can't speak for submissive women, but a woman doesn't have to be submissive to not want to hurt a man's feelings especially when a lot of men don't take rejection well. Even seemingly nice, personable individuals can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. On line, you can't expect the same level of courtesy as you would in person. You can only uphold your end of things, and let the rest go. In real life, we don't always get closure either.

Consider it a blessing in disguise, better for them to flake out on you when they did, than to do so further on down the road.

DreamLady

_____________________________

Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 1:45:53 PM

Posts: 67
Joined: 10/23/2015
Status: offline

You are correct in assuming that, yes, it's hard to respond to every message sent to one's profile. I do try my best to respond to those who take the time to send me a message with more than just "hi" or "hello". If I discover that, after a few messages have been send, we are not compatible, I let them know in a nice way and wish them luck in their search for the right one for them. While some have not responded kindly, most have understood and continued on.

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 7:28:44 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The reason they don't offer a rejection is that usually when women do reject men, men respond badly. They send hate filled rants. They insult the women. They issue death threats.

It's a lot safer to just disappear.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Nepthys61)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 7:37:25 PM

Posts: 6374
Joined: 11/1/2014
Status: offline

for what its worth, ive had pretty much the same thing go on recently on another site.

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 7:53:14 PM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SuaveGentleman
I would like to believe these people were not outright fakes. Yet... what is it about an online connection that makes people treat it as so fragile and cheap? I am sorry if I am being silly here but with time we start investing not only time but emotions too.

I had somebody flip their lid for putting a similar reply on a thread that is roughly what I'm going to say to you. People treat online connections as fragile and cheap because some online exchanges ARE fragile and cheap. Depending on whether this went to skype or not, do you even know if these people were female? How do you know they weren't married chicks just getting their jollies jerking your chain? What do you really have to assure you that they were investing emotions in you except that they told you so?

Ever hear of a site called 4chan? It's got a real reputation for women to see how far they can lead people on so they can compare notes with their gal pals just to laugh at whoever they get to fall for this stuff. A few years back, the site had hundreds of guys going to Times Square to meet people who never had any intention of showing up. People really do this stuff.

quote:

Just to be clear that these fears are not unfounded - this had happened previously with a "little" I had been in touch with. Very attached, very sweet, perfectly genuine. Then disappeared for 4 FULL MONTHS. Turns up later. Turned out she had major mental illness (I knew about it) and was borderline suicidal. I wish she had trusted me enough to tell me about it. Nevertheless we are friends now.

Any thoughts gentlemen / ladies?

Did you see her discharge papers from hospitalization? Any verification of medical or psychological care? Or... Did she just reappear out of the blue and tell you that was what was going on? If you didn't see any real evidence, other than her word, how do you know she wasn't some married gal, who's husband busted her for playing out her fantasies online, so she had to cool it for a little while until hubby trusted her again? Do you have one shred of tangible evidence to believe what she told you? If not, my theory is just as good as her excuse.

Why do they do it? Sometimes for no other reason than a few giggles.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 8:29:24 PM

Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The reason they don't offer a rejection is that usually when women do reject men, men respond badly. They send hate filled rants. They insult the women. They issue death threats.

It's a lot safer to just disappear.

I call cop-out on this. Why do all guys get lumped into this "oh that's because men respond badly" argument. Does anyone handle rejection well, probably not. But believe it or not, there are a majority of us guys who not only would welcome the "I don't think we click" email, I for one would pay cash money for it. Any response if better than being left in the miasma of unknown internet rejection.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 8:34:30 PM

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

quote:

Why do all guys get lumped into this "oh that's because men respond badly" argument.

Because enough of them do that it is effectively normal to have a bad reaction.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to Darkfeather)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 9:20:53 PM

Posts: 64
Joined: 2/14/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady

~Fast Reply~
OP, do you know for certain that these were in fact women you were exchanging messages with? You mention that "often they said yes" to Skyping.

Here's the thing also. Given your location, and ostensibly being foreigners to one another conducting long-distance interactions, these ladies may have thought they should be agreeable with a maleDom but then had a change of heart. Possibly, seeing that there was little likelihood of a future to be had, as in an uncertain and unmapped future, without any guarantees (which creates a state of instability to a submissive, causing them additional stress and anxiety), who knows.

DreamLady

I see and acknowledge your point. I have asked myself that question too - am I sure these are women? I am no fool and not one easily fooled. Yes for these particular women, I would say I was pretty sure two of them were women. I dont know if they were married or not - that is too much for me to tell from a set of conversations alone. If I did not put clearly on my profile that I had been married and separated, nobody could have guessed either.

As for the distance and nationality - completely valid point, and I make it a point to clear that out early on. Something along the lines of - I know there is a lot of distance between us, but I am serious about this and if you feel similarly I can make arrangement to meet, irrespective of where you are in the world. Maybe a line of advice here would be good - is that the right way to put it?

- asn

(in reply to dreamlady)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 9:25:07 PM

Posts: 64
Joined: 2/14/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

Just to be clear that these fears are not unfounded - this had happened previously with a "little" I had been in touch with. Very attached, very sweet, perfectly genuine. Then disappeared for 4 FULL MONTHS. Turns up later. Turned out she had major mental illness (I knew about it) and was borderline suicidal. I wish she had trusted me enough to tell me about it. Nevertheless we are friends now.

Did you see her discharge papers from hospitalization? Any verification of medical or psychological care? Or... Did she just reappear out of the blue and tell you that was what was going on? If you didn't see any real evidence, other than her word, how do you know she wasn't some married gal, who's husband busted her for playing out her fantasies online, so she had to cool it for a little while until hubby trusted her again? Do you have one shred of tangible evidence to believe what she told you? If not, my theory is just as good as her excuse.

Pact I have a lot of respect for your wisdom and opinions, but trust me on this one. I know the girl, I have talked to her and met her afterwards. She really, truly was in need of help. I took her to a doc myself. She had pretty bad panic and anxiety attacks that I have personally witnessed and helped my best to calm down. While I dont agree with her behaviour I think it would be plain heartless (at my end, not yours - you dont know her of course) for me to doubt her problems.

- asn

< Message edited by SuaveGentleman -- 3/15/2016 9:27:32 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 9:27:13 PM

Posts: 64
Joined: 2/14/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

quote:

Why do all guys get lumped into this "oh that's because men respond badly" argument.

Because enough of them do that it is effectively normal to have a bad reaction.

I know what you are saying, I do not doubt it. I wish people would not generalize, especially after having talked to a person and seen them to be reasonable and sensible. Anyways, I guess men have achieved a bad stereotype here. Too bad for the folks who meant otherwise.

- asn

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 9:37:05 PM

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The reason they don't offer a rejection is that usually when women do reject men, men respond badly. They send hate filled rants. They insult the women. They issue death threats.

It's a lot safer to just disappear.

I call cop-out on this. Why do all guys get lumped into this "oh that's because men respond badly" argument. Does anyone handle rejection well, probably not. But believe it or not, there are a majority of us guys who not only would welcome the "I don't think we click" email, I for one would pay cash money for it. Any response if better than being left in the miasma of unknown internet rejection.

Sorry, but that's just not true. When I first started out on this site, I'd sent guys a courtesy 'thanks but no thanks'. The vast majority of them replied by acting wholly uncivil in response.

Sure there was a guy here and there who appreciated it, but they were the minority, and few and far between.

And, on top of that a good percentage of the guys who did take it well would then later come back and whine about why I was rejecting them, or demand that I'd explain it to them (to which they then proceeded to tell me that I was wrong for having the reasons I rejected them for), or they'd insist on keep trying over and over again no matter how many times I told them I wasn't interested.

In the end, the percentage of men that would take a 'thanks but no thanks' well, and without further wasting my time, was incredible small.
You might think that the average guy would take it decently, but they don't. They just really don't.

Over the years I've gotten pretty good at predicting how a guy will react to a 'thanks but no thanks', and the few I think will respond decently I will still provide the courtesy of sending on too, and even then, when I'm being super selecting with whom I send them too, I still misread the guys frequently enough that getting hate mail, whining, aggression, or entitlement in response isn't a rare occurrence.

In fact, taking into account how frequently it still happens, I consider it quite a testament to how I AM trying to be decent to guys (while they're, on average, not at all decent in response). Considering how often attempting to be civil backfires, I don't blame any woman for just blocking a guy immediately if she's not interested.

I know you want to think of the average guy as being pretty decent, but I'm sorry, the vast majority of them -on this site- just aren't decent and civil after you reject them. If you really are, you're a huge exception. A HUGE exception. Too bad that there isn't some surefire way to communicate that to the women out there, because it would give you a much better shot at getting one to write you back, even if it was for a 'thanks but no thanks'...

< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 3/15/2016 9:40:44 PM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Darkfeather)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 10:10:20 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

It is so disturbingly prevalent, I seldom bother to unhide my profile. I hate to be mean or rude so I'd rather not have to deal with any mail at all. What is amusing is how often these guys forget their own awful behavior and write me again a few months later with the same exact copy and pasted Email. I have one guy who stood me up when we were supposed to meet, never wrote a word to explain why but every 4 - 6 months I'd get an introduction email from him that isn't exactly verbatim but says pretty much what every single other introduction letter for the last 7 (yes 7) years has said. He claims to be a Vet, so I chalk it up to a severe case of amnesia and I politely remind him that we've talked in the past and it didn't work out. He politely apologizes, then a few months later I get another introduction email from him again lol!

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 10:30:03 PM

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The reason they don't offer a rejection is that usually when women do reject men, men respond badly. They send hate filled rants. They insult the women. They issue death threats.

It's a lot safer to just disappear.

I call cop-out on this. Why do all guys get lumped into this "oh that's because men respond badly" argument. ...

Because on this site (as well as most of the outside world), if you don't have a vagina, you're worthless. The only purpose you suit is procreation (if that) and before they strap you into the chair, the only "last meal" you'll get a huge shit sandwich.

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Darkfeather)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 10:35:38 PM

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

In fact, taking into account how frequently it still happens, I consider it quite a testament to how I AM trying to be decent to guys (while they're, on average, not at all decent in response). Considering how often attempting to be civil backfires, I don't blame any woman for just blocking a guy immediately if she's not interested.

I know you want to think of the average guy as being pretty decent, but I'm sorry, the vast majority of them -on this site- just aren't decent and civil after you reject them. If you really are, you're a huge exception. A HUGE exception. Too bad that there isn't some surefire way to communicate that to the women out there, because it would give you a much better shot at getting one to write you back, even if it was for a 'thanks but no thanks'...

Since we're (primarily) talking about the other side: if one "took into account" how many time wasters, money-grabbers, and flat-out douche canoes had profiles here and then painted all of you ladies with that same brush ... day after day, week after week, year after year ... you ladies would get pretty frustrated, too.

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/15/2016 11:52:27 PM

Posts: 64
Joined: 2/14/2016
Status: offline

I dont mean to be rude in any way. But yes. While ladies have generalized the behaviour of men on here, and probably rightly so, how would you feel if we similarly generalized how "some" women (actually the majority) behaved on here? Ranging from total ignoring, to subtly asking for money, to openly asking for money, to simply wasting everyone's time going round and round in circles with no definite aim in sight.

C'est la vie.

- asn

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/16/2016 12:09:24 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

I don't think all men in general are awful. I absolutely adore men and the ones in my life are awesome.
Many of the men online, comfortable in their anonymity, behave terribly when rejected in the slightest. I consider it dodging a bullet, and when a man responds politely I feel as if perhaps I've missed an opportunity. I usually write them and thank them for being understanding.

Women behave badly too. Saying a majority of men do something isn't implying that women are innocent. We simply speak to our experiences. I think there tends to be a great deal of emasculation of men in today's society and as a mother who raised 4 boys I've seen first hand the double standards and bias against men that troubles me. Just as I've seen the discrimination and sexism in the work place against women. It's a human condition to think in terms of US vs THEM.

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/16/2016 12:37:05 AM

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

FR

I have never experienced such things.

I always know if an online interaction is gonna last forever or stop. It's often very clear to me, the chemistry.

But saying that, it is online, so when it's online, I definitely expect the person to simply ignore and not respond if something was no longer working, because that's the easiest thing to do, than to deal with it.

Saying that, I have had men do that to me, BUT I always saw it coming. I can tell when we have hit a spot where continued conversations are not working out anymore.

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

RE: Why would someone do this? - 3/16/2016 3:44:22 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SuaveGentleman
Pact I have a lot of respect for your wisdom and opinions, but trust me on this one. I know the girl, I have talked to her and met her afterwards. She really, truly was in need of help. I took her to a doc myself. She had pretty bad panic and anxiety attacks that I have personally witnessed and helped my best to calm down. While I dont agree with her behaviour I think it would be plain heartless (at my end, not yours - you dont know her of course) for me to doubt her problems.

- asn

Thank you. OK. That person was on the up and up. (I feel kind of weird about commenting about that.)

Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that the three people you asked about in your original post were, also. Personally, I could never get into this kind of thing but there's actually a show on tv called "Catfish" that is all about people not being truthful on dating sites. There are always people on the forums wondering why people go *poof* or why people would be faking it. There's just no way to know via some emails or chats. Until you meet somebody, you just don't know if what they tell you is the real deal or not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SuaveGentleman
I dont mean to be rude in any way. But yes. While ladies have generalized the behaviour of men on here, and probably rightly so, how would you feel if we similarly generalized how "some" women (actually the majority) behaved on here? Ranging from total ignoring, to subtly asking for money, to openly asking for money, to simply wasting everyone's time going round and round in circles with no definite aim in sight.

C'est la vie.

- asn

You do realize this already happens, right? I've had "I am not a pro domme and do not book sessions" on my profile for years because a high majority of males on this site assume any female can be bought. Heck, I had a former Mod telling other users that I was doing exactly that during a time period that I wasn't even on this site because I was having more fun posting over on K2. (Believe me, I was livid when I heard this.)

I really don't answer most of my first contact email these days but I used to and I can assure you that what these other ladies are saying is correct. You wouldn't think so but a lot of people can be awful over a simple 'thanks but not interested'. Kind of the same thing. People can act or say whatever they want to on the internet without being accountable.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Why would someone do this?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.232