quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta
This scenario as no different from taking away your video games because you have been playing them in excess. Yes, it's just cruel when the reason for taking them is not related to your enjoyment of the game, but it's the only thing that makes sense when the problem has to do with them.

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He is restricting her free and indiscriminate access to his attention because she abused it (and threw a tantrum at him). OP tells us plainly it is because she got mad at him that he was too busy to respond to him that day.

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You're also reacting like she hasn't heard from him at all, but that is also not the case. She is allowed to talk to him when he initiates contact, and he has been doing so normally, per OP.
"until further notice" is a flag if left as a long-term solution without discussion, I admit, but it's only been 3 (4 now?) days so this is still in the "wait and see" stage.

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ORIGINAL: Greta75
It's really not the same as playing video games too much and having it removed for a temporary time. Video game is like a toy, an inanimate object addiction.

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By depriving her to reach out to him, until he contacts her is basically, I don't know. End of the day. You know there are dominants who talk about D/S and Love cannot co-exist. And I imagine that is exactly the kind of doms, that want to punish with emotional support deprivation.

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I think the proper way to handle this, is to simply ask her, does she not understand that he will attend to her as soon as he is free. While he is busy at work, he needs to focus on work but does not mean he does not care. Ask her if she understands that?

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if he want to use this as a deterrent

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This issue cannot be solve by punishment or disciplining, which to me, both are the same thing, you punish to discipline. IF she got punished before for the same thing through other types of punishment. And it keeps relapsing, CLEARLY, it is an emotional issue, not solvable by punishment or discipline.

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She has insecurities and neediness not addressed and handled properly by her dominant.

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the definition of bratty behaviour can be as simple as a sub trying to express her unhappy feelings to her dominant for some dominants. I would be surprise if she actually got angry and raised her voice at her dominant or something. That would be unacceptable.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta
This scenario as no different from taking away your video games because you have been playing them in excess. Yes, it's just cruel when the reason for taking them is not related to your enjoyment of the game, but it's the only thing that makes sense when the problem has to do with them.

It's really not the same as playing video games too much and having it removed for a temporary time. Video game is like a toy, an inanimate object addiction.

By depriving her to reach out to him, until he contacts her is basically, I don't know. End of the day. You know there are dominants who talk about D/S and Love cannot co-exist. And I imagine that is exactly the kind of doms, that want to punish with emotional support deprivation.

quote:

He is restricting her free and indiscriminate access to his attention because she abused it (and threw a tantrum at him). OP tells us plainly it is because she got mad at him that he was too busy to respond to him that day.

I think the proper way to handle this, is to simply ask her, does she not understand that he will attend to her as soon as he is free. While he is busy at work, he needs to focus on work but does not mean he does not care. Ask her if she understands that? And then tell her he expects her to be patient in the future and trust that he will get back to her as soon as he can. And if he want to use this as a deterrent, he should just tell her if she display impatience again, he will ban her from contacting him until he contacts her. And then if she relapse, then maybe do it.

This issue cannot be solve by punishment or disciplining, which to me, both are the same thing, you punish to discipline. IF she got punished before for the same thing through other types of punishment. And it keeps relapsing, CLEARLY, it is an emotional issue, not solvable by punishment or discipline.

quote:

You're also reacting like she hasn't heard from him at all, but that is also not the case. She is allowed to talk to him when he initiates contact, and he has been doing so normally, per OP.
"until further notice" is a flag if left as a long-term solution without discussion, I admit, but it's only been 3 (4 now?) days so this is still in the "wait and see" stage.

This until further notice thingy is the biggest problem. If somebody wants your attention too much that you care about, how is it okay to react by disciplining that person about excessively wanting your attention. It is not a punishment or discipline for BDSM thing. This is a real life emotional issue. She has insecurities and neediness not addressed and handled properly by her dominant.

Also, the definition of bratty behaviour can be as simple as a sub trying to express her unhappy feelings to her dominant for some dominants. I would be surprise if she actually got angry and raised her voice at her dominant or something. That would be unacceptable. But I doubt that is the case.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent

haha, you know logically, ThatDizzyChick, I agree, but when you are in constant contact with someone able to send messages, texts, voicemails, etc whenever you want -- a sudden loss of being able to do so -- for lack of better word -- makes you very lonely.

For many this wouldn't be anything major or a punishment -- but for some, the removal of the ability to contact someone who you are focused on, is very difficult.

So I could see how many would think this is overblown, but based on what she has described -- its iike being a drug addict and denied the ability to go out and get your drug -- you have to wait for someone to bring it to you.

At least that's how it would be for me.

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ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent

Not sure what point you were making but in the end, every relationship should be a feeding of needs and wants and desires -- what is good for one person may not be good for another.

Last I checked, I am capable of supporting myself, have a career I am damn good at and get involved with men who complement my needs as I do his.

grins, but one of the biggest things about being an adult -- even if some may seem your interaction with the man you are with as childish - is that you don't let strangers who know nothing about your interaction affect how you view your relationship.


If you were attempting to shame me or the OP because you don't agree with our wants and needs in a relationship -- sorry -- I don't shame easily before strangers who judge something they more than likely don't understand. that's the great thing about relationships -- the ultimate goal is to hook up with people who can fulfill your needs, understand you, and accept your flaws.

Hell, if i let strangers dictate what i should and shouldn't do in my relationships, i would never have one because i would be constantly trying to portray what strangers believe i should be in a relationship. Good thing for me, strangers opinions aren't strong on things i need to focus on. Though it is amusing to see the arrogance in a lot of strangers on the internet tell people how they should be in a relationship that isn't the strangers.

I'm a military wife. Like some others on the boards, we don't "neeeeedddd" stuff like some others of you do. Myself, LaT, peppermint, and others... We just don't crumble over stuff like this.

It is completely incomprehensible to be for someone to ****neeedddd*** things that to me, are frivolous. If you can't deal with certain things, I say again, you are not prepared to be a military spouse.

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ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire
1. Could you be in a relationship with someone in the military and over seas - how does that differ from someone at the opposite of the planet - which of the twain is harder

Did it, @sshole. *Including* the "someone at the opposite side of the planet".

Sorry that I just don't "feel bad" for someone who doesn't have the 'privilege' and latitude of "oh, I feel bad". You think I didn't "feel bad" during some of those deployments?

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2. I am whatever I am. I have CFS/ME i can barely pay the mortgage and feed 3 cats and I rarely leave the house - What I have belongs to me, and the other in my life if i had ne - seems to escapes me. I can offer no more and creature should be if similar mind set, even if she has no roof or bars of gold

You're really not pulling the sympathy card with me.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

O
Not sure what point you were making but in the end, every relationship should be a feeding of needs and wants and desires -- what is good for one person may not be good for another.

Last I checked, I am capable of supporting myself, have a career I am damn good at and get involved with men who complement my needs as I do his.

grins, but one of the biggest things about being an adult -- even if some may seem your interaction with the man you are with as childish - is that you don't let strangers who know nothing about your interaction affect how you view your relationship.


If you were attempting to shame me or the OP because you don't agree with our wants and needs in a relationship -- sorry -- I don't shame easily before strangers who judge something they more than likely don't understand. that's the great thing about relationships -- the ultimate goal is to hook up with people who can fulfill your needs, understand you, and accept your flaws.

Hell, if i let strangers dictate what i should and shouldn't do in my relationships, i would never have one because i would be constantly trying to portray what strangers believe i should be in a relationship. Good thing for me, strangers opinions aren't strong on things i need to focus on. Though it is amusing to see the arrogance in a lot of strangers on the internet tell people how they should be in a relationship that isn't the strangers.

I'm a military wife. Like some others on the boards, we don't "neeeeedddd" stuff like some others of you do. Myself, LaT, peppermint, and others... We just don't crumble over stuff like this.

It is completely incomprehensible to be for someone to ****neeedddd*** things that to me, are frivolous. If you can't deal with certain things, I say again, you are not prepared to be a military spouse.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent


Well la de da. Do you want a bozo button because your needs are different from others? I don't need to dominate a man, personally I find Something I will never understand for a woman who needs that as you seem to have for a sub needing to be able to contact her dom. The difference between you and I is I'm all for you doing that if it makes you happy because I don't need to put others down for their needs to make myself feel important or superior. Maybe you need to look into why you feel that need.

God you are arrogant- you are going to feel really stupid but I was with a man full time for about 2 years where he was deployed for close to a year and 1/2 of that and I managed just fine without being in constant contact with him. We didn't break up because of that.

Maybe I missed something but what does this thread have to do with being a military spouse?

If you want to use that as a comparison, I've seen more military relationships break up when the partner comes home because they can't live together because they are way to independent and don't need contact.

quote:

O
Not sure what point you were making but in the end, every relationship should be a feeding of needs and wants and desires -- what is good for one person may not be good for another.

Last I checked, I am capable of supporting myself, have a career I am damn good at and get involved with men who complement my needs as I do his.

grins, but one of the biggest things about being an adult -- even if some may seem your interaction with the man you are with as childish - is that you don't let strangers who know nothing about your interaction affect how you view your relationship.


If you were attempting to shame me or the OP because you don't agree with our wants and needs in a relationship -- sorry -- I don't shame easily before strangers who judge something they more than likely don't understand. that's the great thing about relationships -- the ultimate goal is to hook up with people who can fulfill your needs, understand you, and accept your flaws.

Hell, if i let strangers dictate what i should and shouldn't do in my relationships, i would never have one because i would be constantly trying to portray what strangers believe i should be in a relationship. Good thing for me, strangers opinions aren't strong on things i need to focus on. Though it is amusing to see the arrogance in a lot of strangers on the internet tell people how they should be in a relationship that isn't the strangers.

As the saying goes, there is a difference between arrogance and confidence. Same thing as there being a difference between a want and a need.

When people jump the shark and go so far as to say that a person not being allowed to initiate contact is "abusive" because the other person is at work, or busy, or heaven knows what life is throwing at them, I'm sorry, but I find that frivolous. Every whim (like a person wanting to send a text saying "I miss you") isn't a NEED. It's an indulgence.





< Message edited by LadyPact -- 10/2/2016 5:33:40 PM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

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(in reply to ohthat1percent)

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At least that's how it would be for me.

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ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent


bursts out laughing -- yes I well know the difference between arrogance and confidence -- i think i was spot on, which is a shame. Hopefully i was wrong because i do love confidence in women.
And yes there is a difference between needs and wants, and those are VERY individual as to which is which and how they are played out in relationships.

Perhaps i missed a post from someone - which i could have an i apologize if i have and that was what all your comments to me have been about -- because i know i never claimed what the dom was doing was abusive and i don't see anyone else doing so. i rarely if ever call anything abusive, because that word is so overused and dramatized it is a go to word for affect rather than definition especially on BDSM message boards. I would never call it abusive, what the OP's dom is doing - but I would understand the struggle of one who suddenly wasn't allowed to assuage that need. Restricting needs isn't always akin to abuse.

grins, i have to apologize, i didn't realize the forum has a person who determined what were actual needs and wants in individual relationships for the sake of discussion. forgive my oversight in getting your permission to notate something as a need for me without consulting you. I'll be sure to rectify that in the future and run any wants or needs past you for your approval that I've correctly identified same for my relationships. Sorry (not really) but i couldn't resist.

You may not get it or understand these needs but in the end, you don't have too.