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RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 2:53:55 AM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		seems to me a too needy Dominant and a too needy submissive are both bad if they are too needy at the wrong time (work, when one is with family or friends etc)

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 3:41:14 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent

haha, you know logically, ThatDizzyChick, I agree, but when you are in constant contact with someone able to send messages, texts, voicemails, etc whenever you want -- a sudden loss of being able to do so -- for lack of better word -- makes you very lonely.

For many this wouldn't be anything major or a punishment -- but for some, the removal of the ability to contact someone who you are focused on, is very difficult.

So I could see how many would think this is overblown, but based on what she has described -- its iike being a drug addict and denied the ability to go out and get your drug -- you have to wait for someone to bring it to you.

At least that's how it would be for me.

Thank you for proving my point.



I've been in both situations, actually. Not a military spouse, but a several year relationship with someone in the military, for part of which he was deployed. And also non-military, but being restricted from access because I've done _____. They are very different things.

(I can't type more now, gotta go. I may try to add on why at a later time.)

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 4:09:46 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I agree with Kaliko, I think those things are very different.

I'm not "needy" or someone who crumbles when my S.O. Is away (heck right now we work together and personally I'd love some fucking alone time). However- I am someone who enjoys attention- especially physical. I can get nervous when he doesn't seem interested, I have some confidence issues, and I can start getting a little stressed if he doesn't want to cuddle, kiss or fuck me. It's a big issue since I have a higher sex drive than he does too. We dont have a punishment dynamic- but there have been times when I can be overbearing and too insecure for him to deal with at that point. At that point he usually expresses that he can't change how I view myself, all he can do is tell me it's not anything to do with me, and if I want to keep pressing him- he is going to get annoyed and angry. While I'm a really impatient person- usually this will frustrate me- but it does calm me down, I back off and let him have his space and time. That paitience is important, and truly the lesson is more about how my own low self worth can take over and start driving the bus and not to let it happen.

But communication is a big part of this- I hope he communicates the lesson to you and all is on the up and up. I dont personally find lack of contact all that healthy, but I'm willing to hope that you just had to come here to express your own insecurities and fears with this, and that he is communicating well still and that the lack of communication has a point beyond him just kinda trolling you.

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 7:46:49 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

The first is, some of you folks could have never handled being a military spouse. Honestly, some people should scratch that off of their checklist. Seriously, just don't. You aren't cut out for it and you couldn't have hacked the "lack of contact" thing that I and several other people on the boards found a way to manage.

I totally agree with this. I can never handle a long distance relationship. I will never accept one or choose or attempt to have one period. Basically, no way. I need a man who is physically present like a normal relationship where he comes home everyday.
quote:

that a person's Dominant does not equate having to treat /s-types like children. They are grown people who know how to distinguish whether something is 'important' enough to call somebody at work or not, whether it's important enough to disturb somebody's sleep or not, or whatever the case may be. I really don't think something like "don't call me at work unless it's important" is something we have to coddle grown adults through. You s-types just aren't little people and your "insecurities" can wait until I get home.

My point is, we don't know if all these parameters are properly agreed upon and discussed.
I mean, seriously..., as I said, I have fuck buddies where we set parameters, where not allowed to contact each other on certain hours. Especially work hours when we want to focus on our job.
If fuck buddies can do that.

Surely dominants can do that too, and state very clear agreements with the sub if they do not want to be disturbed during work. I feel like there is lack of proper communication on the dominant's end.

That's all I am saying. But in this case, I don't think this dom set clear parameters. He didn't set clear parameters, and then punished her, when the line wasn't made very clearly, where the line is. For a secure relationship, there has to be consistent parameters set and just stick to it.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 10/3/2016 7:50:09 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 9:48:05 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
quote:

The first is, some of you folks could have never handled being a military spouse. Honestly, some people should scratch that off of their checklist. Seriously, just don't. You aren't cut out for it and you couldn't have hacked the "lack of contact" thing that I and several other people on the boards found a way to manage.

I totally agree with this. I can never handle a long distance relationship. I will never accept one or choose or attempt to have one period. Basically, no way. I need a man who is physically present like a normal relationship where he comes home everyday.

See, and that's pretty much what I mean by the statement. Just like I wouldn't be suited well for a sub who would feel nervous, anxious, needy, whatever because I don't want them calling/texting me at work, we're just plain a bad match. Even more so in my case because I only work part time these days.
quote:

that a person's Dominant does not equate having to treat /s-types like children. They are grown people who know how to distinguish whether something is 'important' enough to call somebody at work or not, whether it's important enough to disturb somebody's sleep or not, or whatever the case may be. I really don't think something like "don't call me at work unless it's important" is something we have to coddle grown adults through. You s-types just aren't little people and your "insecurities" can wait until I get home.

quote:


My point is, we don't know if all these parameters are properly agreed upon and discussed.
I mean, seriously..., as I said, I have fuck buddies where we set parameters, where not allowed to contact each other on certain hours. Especially work hours when we want to focus on our job.
If fuck buddies can do that.

Surely dominants can do that too, and state very clear agreements with the sub if they do not want to be disturbed during work. I feel like there is lack of proper communication on the dominant's end.

That's all I am saying. But in this case, I don't think this dom set clear parameters. He didn't set clear parameters, and then punished her, when the line wasn't made very clearly, where the line is. For a secure relationship, there has to be consistent parameters set and just stick to it.

I'd have bought this under certain circumstances. Things like the Dominant changed jobs and started a new one where the 'personal phone call' policy is way less lenient at the new job. I might have went for it if the NRE shine was rubbing off a bit and the cutesy "I miss you texts" just aren't as cute anymore. I'm very doubtful of that one, as the OP says the relationship is at the two year mark.

I'm probably tougher about this because it's really hard to imagine anybody who has known me for two years not knowing the way I feel about the cell phone. I have several pet peeves related to it. Everything from texting while driving to people not realizing how rude it is to specifically set up a lunch date with someone and then spend half of it on the cell phone.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 9:57:09 AM   
ohthat1percent


Posts: 167
Joined: 9/24/2016
Status: offline 		Again, this isn't about her contacting him whenever. From what the op said this was because she became a bitch to him when he didn't respond when she wanted him too and didn't give her attention. So unless I missed a post otherwise, people are incorrectly assessing the issue and making it about her need to contact rather than her reaction when he didn't do as she wanted.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 10:07:20 AM   
ohthat1percent


Posts: 167
Joined: 9/24/2016
Status: offline 		Deleted as duplicate

< Message edited by ohthat1percent -- 10/3/2016 10:08:02 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 11:53:09 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent
Again, this isn't about her contacting him whenever. From what the op said this was because she became a bitch to him when he didn't respond when she wanted him too and didn't give her attention. So unless I missed a post otherwise, people are incorrectly assessing the issue and making it about her need to contact rather than her reaction when he didn't do as she wanted.

I think I kind of saw it as both. To be honest, if somebody threw a hissy fit over the "not responding to the frivolous text" thing, it probably would have been worse with me.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/3/2016 2:43:10 PM   
ThatDizzyChick


Posts: 5490
Status: offline 		FR
Just an observation based on my own situation, but some people (like my Fellas) have jobs where people die if they are distracted. That's why I don't text them when they are at work, even if it's important I call the dispatcher's office and leave a message.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/5/2016 10:30:41 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent

Again, this isn't about her contacting him whenever. From what the op said this was because she became a bitch to him when he didn't respond when she wanted him too and didn't give her attention.

I am always wary about what dominants mean by they accuse their sub of "throwing a fit" or "being a bitch".

Usually, people act out because their hurt feelings are not properly addressed and are trivialized instead of taken seriously.

To punish them for this, IS not addressing the real issue and solving the problem from the root. When all it takes is to reassure the root of the problem to prevent future incidences.

I just don't see how punishment is positive for this situation to actually improve the situation.

To me, with every situation. I only look at the most effective solution. I simply want the correct solutions to be applied to genuinely solve the underlying problem.

The goal is to find the root of why she was acting out, and resolve that issue, so it will never happen again.

This may be a 2 years relationship, but what if the dom seem distance or colder as time goes by and she was feeling more insecure about what's going on.

And ya know with men, when they are stressed they go into withdrawal from you and keep telling you nothing is wrong.

Which to a woman, will then feel like, DEFINITELY something is wrong! And then it creates all these feelings of insecurity.

This incident reminds me of my dynamic with two naturally dominant males who don't identity with BDSM. But I identify both as natural dominants. And both are men that I love dearly.

Both travel alot for work. So there is long separation. And we keep in contact with chat softwares. I said to the one with better people skills, and EQ infact yesterday that, it is odd that, he doesn't respond to 90% of anything I write him, and yet, I am not upset at all. And his respond was, "But I read 100% of everything you write me all the time!"

Such a simple reassurance, simple statement, just completely reassured me and made me happy and secure with him.

The first one is very consistent in his behaviour. When he is working, or with friends, his full attention is on that, and he never chats with me. He will only do so when he is absolutely free. And I am okay with that.

And the other , would text me even while his in meetings, even when he is on a one-one dinner with any friends. He would be texting me all day non stop. And then drop off and disappear. When he drop off and disappears, I kinda start feeling anxiety like what happened or what's wrong?
When I express that to him. He got mad and he told me, this is how he is like, I need to deal with it and get used to it.
That's it! His EQ ain't great. No assurances, nothing. And because of this, I know with him specifically. I will continue to feel this anxiety. I deal with it by talking about it with my other good EQ guy. (PS: I understand this dude alot actually, he is very emotionally scarred from childhood abuse, we went through similar things, so I understand his behaviour, but just saying this is the difference, the other guy grew up in a loving family.)

There are many great dominants that are fantastic with physical safety, but few understand how to manage emotional safety.

The other thing is, was there a sub drop going on too? Where she felt additionally needy because of the sub drop?

Too bad the sub stopped answering, I assume she has kissed and made up with her dom.

But these are the things I would wonder about.




< Message edited by Greta75 -- 10/5/2016 10:46:52 PM >

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 3:22:10 AM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		I'll tell a small story where it's the other way around and how the outcome was handled. This just happened yesterday. Because of some people at work misusing cell phones when they should be working, we got a letter stating just yesterday (this doesn't apply to me but the letter was handed to all staff), that cell phones aren't permitted to be used or to surf the net during working hours, only for work purposes (the letter was longer but that was the gist) included that was misuse of the work phone, my D used to call me at work on the work phone in he morning to see how I was doing, I asked him not to after this letter came out and he didn't get mad or anything, he thought the letter was a good idea.

edited for correction, we got the letter on Tuesday because of an incident on Monday where 3 people were listening to loud music on their cells at the same time right by my desk and I couldn't hear the other person on the line when the phone rang.

< Message edited by LilJuly76 -- 10/6/2016 3:23:00 AM >

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 4:10:38 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		Interesting story.
It's normal proceedure here to ban personal calls during work hours whether that's on the works phone or your cell.
In many places, cell phones are banned inside the work place.
Also, in many warehouses and modern steel+glass buildings, you can't get any signal inside the building to be able to use a cell phone with any reliability.

Where I used to work for a well-known parcel company, one guy got the boot for consistently answering his cell phone from his wife during work hours. The accusation being that he couldn't work to satisfactory levels while he was constantly on the phone and thus not fulfilling his employment contract.

I agree with it. Your personal life shouldn't intrude into your professional work place unless it is an emergency requiring your immediate attention.

If OP was constantly badgering her D for trivial things when he was otherwise busy, I can see why he would do such a thing.
If she threw a hissy fit when he told her to desist, she needs a tough lesson.


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“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
George Orwell, 1903-1950


(in reply to LilJuly76)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 4:48:26 AM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		unfortunately some submissives don't realize that their Dominants usually have a life outside of them, work family whatever else.

we have lots of companies here that ban cells, I work in non for profit and my boss is really nice, unfortunately I think some people just take advantage of the niceness at times and step on the boss's toes. those people aren't gong to like the outcome of the staff meeting next thursday, myself and the second in command gave some suggestions to the boss to get some people to stop taking advantage of the nice work atmosphere ex: smoking in groups every 20-30 mins when they have a responsibility to be doing stuff to help people or just being plain lazy and fluffing your assigned jobs onto someone else.

If I was involved with a Dominant that couldn't understand he can't be commanding while I was at work, I can understand why a Dominant would have to set boundaries on a needy submissive if he was working.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 6:03:14 AM   
ohthat1percent


Posts: 167
Joined: 9/24/2016
Status: offline 		Seriously, there is no way I could work for a company that treated me like a child telling me when I can and cannot speak to someone or use my cell phone or whatnot - tell me the times I have to come in or the like. Our company has one rule -- work your 7.5 hours.

To me, if the company doesn't like what people are doing then they address those individuals - not make it an overall rule because to me that's not valuing the people who don't take advantage and utilize their time efficiently and get their job done.

Again, this isn't about her contacting him -- unless i missed something - which i very well could have as i haven't read all her responses -- this was about her reaction when he didn't give her the attention she was demanding.




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A dominant man is not a man who is content to simply receive submission; a dominant man is not so obliging.

(in reply to LilJuly76)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 10:46:45 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent
Seriously, there is no way I could work for a company that treated me like a child telling me when I can and cannot speak to someone or use my cell phone or whatnot - tell me the times I have to come in or the like. Our company has one rule -- work your 7.5 hours.

To me, if the company doesn't like what people are doing then they address those individuals - not make it an overall rule because to me that's not valuing the people who don't take advantage and utilize their time efficiently and get their job done.

Again, this isn't about her contacting him -- unless i missed something - which i very well could have as i haven't read all her responses -- this was about her reaction when he didn't give her the attention she was demanding.
, it'
The thread aside, I'd have to say the above is a much different perspective than I would have seen through my experience in HR.

Even though you have employees that behave differently, it's considered unfair to invoke a policy that treats them differently. If you do, and it ever gets to the point where you have to let someone go for such a thing as too much time on personal calls, it's not going to be something like subpoenaing every employees records to find out how much time is spent on calls in comparison. It's going to be "what is the company policy and were you in violation". As long as it's in the employee conduct and discipline policy that applies to everyone, nobody can come back and attempt to use the basis of unfairness or wrongful termination.

I've only ever let one person go for personal calls. The guy made it exceptionally easy for me. His production line was down, so he went to one of the phones in the office area to call his girlfriend. Technically, I fired him for "use of company equipment, time, materials or facilities for personal reasons without advanced permission from management".

Failing



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 1:38:52 PM   
ohthat1percent


Posts: 167
Joined: 9/24/2016
Status: offline 		Why didn't you just counsel him his production was down and advice if he didn't improve he would be fired?

All in all, there is no way I could work for a company that micromanaged their employees. I couldn't work in a time clock environment either. It does flabbergast me in my office how people put in exactly 7.5 hours and leave lol. I don't think I've worked exactly that since I stated. Heck I work before I get to work and from home. Plus 7.5+ actually in the office.

_____________________________

A dominant man is not a man who is content to simply receive submission; a dominant man is not so obliging.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 2:14:30 PM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		I'm pretty sure it's the industry where I work, we are supposed to be helping people, not spending the day surfing on their cells or texting people outside of work and that's what most of the staff were doing, instead of doing their jobs.

as for he OP maybe he should have just thought of another solution instead of making her upset.

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 2:55:17 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14412
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

I'm pretty sure it's the industry where I work, we are supposed to be helping people, not spending the day surfing on their cells or texting people outside of work and that's what most of the staff were doing, instead of doing their jobs.

as for he OP maybe he should have just thought of another solution instead of making her upset.



In the my industry - you live your life on the phone, so being on your cell phone is decreasing your productivity. You have a specific shift because you need to have phone coverage for clients.

So, until I went to work for myself - my phone stayed on silent and we texted only. If there wasn't a reply, it meant we were busy.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LilJuly76)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 3:01:00 PM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		| know they are allowed to keep their phones on vibrate, they just can't have play time with their phones when they should be working.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: My masters instructions have left me full of anxiety - 10/6/2016 3:50:57 PM   
Greatlilbabygirl


Posts: 786
Joined: 9/9/2016
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

| know they are allowed to keep their phones on vibrate, they just can't have play time with their phones when they should be working.

Kinky.....hehe

(in reply to LilJuly76)
Profile   Post #: 80
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