RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable? Or manipulation?

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 2:11:13 AM

agirl

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Where were you going to stay during your visit, by the way?

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 2:12:22 AM

bandit25

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Susan, you are not a fool, you simply realized something a bit later than maybe you should have. the important this is that you realized it.

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 2:20:07 AM

eyesopened

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There are enough non-serious people on the internet that i can understand, to a point, His caution, BUT once the relationship has developed to the point where meeting face to face is the next logical step BOTH parties ought to be ready to let the guard down enough to give basic information like a last name AND an address.

i would NOT meet this guy, if i were you. Even if He's not a serial killer, His level of distrust sends up red flags that He will not be open to the level of trust necessary for a BDSM or D/s relationship to flourish.

What kind of relationship do you seek? If you are looking for play partner with potential, or just play partner, i'm sure there are plenty within driving distance. i live in a sparsly populated area, i'm not the story-book version of a submissive and yet i can easily think of 10 different Dominants i could play with if i wanted a non-committed situation.

Keep in mind that Ted Bundy was nice, charming, and very personable.

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 2:24:22 AM

FelinePersuasion

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My take would be if he can't trust me with a name and address I can't trust flying out of state to go meet him.

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 2:28:15 AM

soultoshare

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Susan,

As I sit here reading this, there seems to be one common thread...your guts are telling you to stop..NOW....but you're willing to give this guy the benefit of the doubt? Please, DON'T. The whole thing sounds fishy, and I've actually talked to someone who did the same thing to me.....almost right down to the letter. I was to come visit him in SF, pay for the way there, the 4 star hotel room that HE would choose, he had a whole list of things that I was to bring for him. He also refused to give me his first and last name, or any personal info, saying, as this one does, that it would be covered once we got together. It was then that I decided to listen to my guts instead of the flowery promises he was making. Your personal safety is the most important thing......if the plane ticket cost is the issue, hell, go anyway, see the city, have a good time, but do it ALONE, without meeting this jerk. He's hiding something.......it could just be that he's married, or it could be worse. Obviosly, your subconscious thinks so, otherwise, you wouldn't be asking for opinions and suggestions.

Just my .02 worth.....
m

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 2:31:12 AM

MasterNdorei

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My gut instinct says he is married... this thing between the two of you has gone to a place he never expected... and if he can get you to back out because of his privacy issue, he never has to admit it.

How can one who hopes to one day dominate you expect to gain your trust with such odd behavior? Don't look at his face when you first meet him? Can't know his name or address before arriving? He goes by two names? i think you called his bluff by actually buying a ticket, and now he is not sure what to do.

It could be so much more sinister than what i predict, but at the very least of your worries, it would not be fun to be left hanging at the airport.

Master's dorei

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:01:34 AM

FelinePersuasion

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I went to Sandiego to see someone once, she gave me all her info her name and address, I got on the bus, I went to SD, but she never showed, I was able to take a cab to her house, waited hours found out from her son she was out of town, she never told me to cancle my plans. I could just imagain how long I'd have waited in the bus stop for her if I wasn't able to go find out myself.

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:16:20 AM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

My question is: If you are going to visit someone in another state, and have your plane ticket, etc. and they had promised to give you very basic identifying information about themselves before your visit, and then refused to do so, what do you do?

I mean their street address, and their last name. Also, suppose you found out they had also not been truthful about their first name, even?

Susan,

I would not go. If you were going down to your local coffee shop then it might be a different story, but I would not fly to meet someone without knowing that basic information. I would rather lose money than be caught in a situation where someone had not met expectations that they had set. In our case, flight reservations were not made until that information had been fully disclosed and verified.

You actually may not be out the cost of the ticket. If you made the reservation directly with the airline, then you can cancel the reservation and then use the price of the ticket towards another plane trip within one year. The amount of time you have to use it may vary. If you made it with an online travel agent then you may be out the money because you wont be able to use it on discounted fairs.

Knight's kyra

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:17:30 AM

MstrDouglas

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susan, you have answered your own questions. DO NOT GO. Unless he can trust you with the imformation. He is hiding something, or he would have given this information already. The two different name thing is a very important clue. Trust your "gut feeling". I also agree, if this is a location that you would be interested in seeing, go, and have a nice visit, just dont meet him.

Edited to add, If he asked for your info, he should have provided you with his, from now on, dont give yours without getting theirs first.

As with any of my postings, this is just MY opinion, but I am entitled to it.

< Message edited by MstrDouglas -- 3/8/2007 3:32:42 AM >

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:17:35 AM

KCwarrior

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Susan, I don't see many male Dom's responding to your question, but I will. He has already broken trust by not following his promise to give you his name. Have you tried to google his number, like this XXX-XXX-XXXX

A few years back a Dom in Kansas City named Robinson had girls come for BDSM and they were later found in 55 gal drums.

As a Dom, I wouldn't even go to meet a local submissive with as little information as you have. Please ask yourself, would I let my daughter or someone I love go on such a dangerous trip? I am sorry, I do not mean to sound harsh, only very concerned.

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:17:35 AM

mons

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greeting susan

oh lord your not crazy or anything at all you must leave there is not realtionship to have if this male or woman can not give you there last name when you have taken the time to travel by plan to see him. first he has something to hide dear and i think it is a family or wife. i have been so lucky i sense when someone is lying before the second letter u have written. to not give you the right name and it is the first name spell danger to me and then not to give the last name is just horrible.you see if he had any type of honor he would give you this without any fight at all. all of these thing toghert spell a liar and wow please leave him oh be so careful with this man it is so hard to expalin what i feel your out there with someone you know nothing about at all a total stranger you wrote to for two months i think you said and without someone to watch over you, your not silly foolish or dumb he trick you and he did it well. please leave did you tell anyone you were going to vivst him ??????? do this please leave do not go anywhere with this stranger and he is one no name no last name no true first nmae what do you want so bad to place yourself in this postion please do not keep in contact with him i hope you read this well please and you rno fool you were trick by someone who know how to do this

please take care
warm wishes please be safe
mons write and let us know or me what happens

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:24:59 AM

agirl

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You know Susan, you've only known this chap for roughly 9 or 10 weeks, you've bought lingerie, a vibrator and a plane ticket and had an instuction not to look in his face, which you've agreed to.....and you're not even sure of his name or where he lives.

The cart seems to be coming before the horse. He's possibly a very nice, trustworthy chap but with the lengths you've gone to, I think I'd at least like to be certain of someone's name.

agirl

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:30:07 AM

givemyall

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Hi, sorry to hear about your dilemma. I think alot of us try to believe in somone and expect them to stick to their word, I guess its because we like them and always hope for the best. I wouldn't feel like a fool, it's natural to feel upset and letdown when it appears that someone is hiding the facts/truth.

Would I go? ... well I would insist on the information that he initially promised and also have a few other questions lined up for him, just see how willing he is to answer them and if he hesitates at all. See how you feel after you have spoken and whether you feel you are willing to take the risk. You maybe travelling some distance to meet him but surely we all take a risk when we first go into the private company of someone we haven't met, even if they are just down the road from us.

I dont know where you have agreed to meet or stay when you are with him, if you were considering staying at his house, I would maybe book a hotel room for the first night and agree to meet him there, then see how you feel.

I hope it all works out for you and im sure you will make the right decision.

Claire

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:40:44 AM

georgejames68

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Susan, I don't care who he is or how badly he thinks he needs his sleep, you are without necessary information and I for one would wake him up instantly and demand the info early enough that you can check it out. The alternative in my book is to cancel the flight and forget he ever existed.... too chancy!!!!

Good luck. By the way if you want to add a few dollars and convert the ticket to the Philippines, I sure as hell would be interested. Of course you'd get an whole lot of info and emails before we went a single step further. Just kidding, except I think your a beautiful girl!!!

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:40:44 AM

calamitysandra

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The whole situation sounds more then just a bit fishy.
He will not disclose information as promised (I would have insisted on that info before ever planning a trip),
something with his name is not right,
he insists you may not look at him.

All that raises virtual woods of red flags.
It might be something "harmless" like him being married, it might be something more sinister. Or he is just a freak who tries to show of by rubbing his importance into your face.
Whatever it is, I would stay away from this guy, and be very carefull, even if he decides to give you some information in the last second.

Take care.

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:44:44 AM

HisSongstress

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Susan,

I have felt for you since I started reading your postings about never having met this individual in person.

I, too, have been too trusting IN THE PAST. I flew out of state a number of times to meet men (through vanilla sites). I have driven a up to a few hours to meet Dominants that I found me. IN EVERY CASE I knew in the first five minutes of meeting them IN PERSON, that I never wanted to see them again....that I would have never looked twice....(and this is not just a visual thing.) It is just that my intuition doesn't work until I see the whites of their eyes.

1. If he were an ethical Dom, he would WANT you to have this information. He would value you so much that he would REQUIRE you to take care of yourself.
2. The two of you don't know each other well enough to be doing this mindfuck of not seeing his face. I consider the fact that his is not revealing to you a mindfuck as well....and a sick one.
3. In my experience, I have learned that in online intereactions, I gave people MORE than the benefit of the doubt....that the submissive part of me wanted everything to be as they said it was.....THAT IS NOT REALITY.
4. Again, in my experience, there are a a huge number of fantasy people (doms and subs alike..and vanilla for that matter). They think that they want a real life interaction. THEY CAN'T HANDLE It...and they don't care who they take down with them.
5. You will be out the money even if you go....$250 is a cheap price to pay for this lesson. Salvage what you can and move on.

PLEASE, PLEASE take care of yourself. You are not foolish....just desiring to trust and have a life.

best!

...song...

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 3:46:52 AM

ShiftedJewel

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I have to throw this in, ok? No one, and I mean no one, is getting my drivers license number. They are also not getting my ss#. I gladly give out my home address, all of my phone numbers, my full name, date of birth, hell, I'll even give them my employment history... but they aren't getting my drivers license number. That is just bad advice as far as I'm concerned, my feeling is that if you are going to do that you just as well give them your bank account numbers, credit card numbers and while you're at it, hand over your 401k. Some things just shouldn't be shared.

I have always told people what munch group I belong to and let them look it up and contact the moderators there on their own to ask about me. I give them the local law phone number and address. I'm very concerned with safety... mine included. I have no intention of being in financial ruin for the sake of meeting someone.

I absolutely agree that you shouldn't go if you don't have his full name and street address, and when you do get them you should give them to someone you know and trust. Keep the safe call, add a second one if it makes you feel better. Just don't be shocked when he says no to the drivers license number.

Jewel

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 4:22:47 AM

krys

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quote:

I do not want to go head-to-head, or have a stand-off about this. I don't really think this is a good note to start things off on.

Susan,

All those little red blinking warning lights going off in your head and screaming "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!" are there for a reason. And from what you are describing, every warning light on the board should be going off right now. This sounds like a lot more than the meeting a new guy jitters. While that whole submission to a stranger thing may have a certain fantasy appeal, its not practical and far too unsafe. Don't look at me, don't know anything about me, just fly out here with a bunch of sex toys and submit? I would imagine I wouldn't want someone to know too much about me either, if I intended to do something that would later require a description to the police. Right now, if something were to happen to you, what could your loved ones or safe calls tell the authorities? "She flew into___ to meet some guy who's first name may or may not be ___". Well that being all the information available, you can quickly go from SusanO to Jane Doe. I understand not wanting to be demanding or confrontational as a sub, and wanting to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but where does that end and a basic sense of self preservation kick in?

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 4:30:02 AM

SusanofO

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I did once try to Google his number and came up with nothing. I didn't ask for his driver's license number (someone recommended I ask for his license plate number on his car(guess I said driver's license, I meant plate), because he was picking me up at the airport. I was debating doing that, but at this point, I probably would have asked for that, too. He has managed to completely freak me out with his unwillingness to meet me halfway in this instance - and so be it. His choice, although I'd really love to know the whole story about why - this just makes no sense to me, really, and it does stike me as domineering, and not very safety conscious (I mean concerned for my safety). But I am finished negotoiating for my own safety.

The not looking at him thing was something he asked if I was willing to do, not forced upon me, but it was a wee bit extreme, maybe, for a first meet thing. I dunno. I did agree to it.

He said he's had trouble with "female stalkers". I said: "Well then - don't give me this information - and see how much I stalk you."

Hell my ex-Domnant beat the holy crap ot of me last fall - and he already knows that. He said well, my prosecuting my ex-Dominant (which my sister, who is an attonrey, made me do, I wasn't initially going to prosecute and made the msitake of telling her what happened. She threatened to tell my father, unless I took him to court. He got a $500 fine - no jail time.)

Anyway, this guy I've been e-mailing and phoning, and was supposed to visit on Monday, said that this "Proves I am already "litigious". Well. Maybe he'd be tempted to be "litigious", too, if someone threw him backwards down a flight of stairs, and tried to break his ribs, by kicking him repeartedly.  If "litigious" isn't going to be a problem for him, then he doesn't have anything to worry about, right?

This is complete bullshit, IMO.
He should know enough to know that asking for this basic information is advice in every piece of safety precautionary advice I've ever read for submissives. He did tell me he had two friends I could call, but that doesn't strike me as half as reliable method for gauging safety, frankly. And he didn't offfer until I broght this up. I mean, let's face it, none of of this onfo is fool-proof. He seems to be telling me to "just trust him" - Well hey - why can't he "just trust me" instead, maybe?

I've known him about yes, 9-10- weeks. We've chatted and talked on the phone, and e-mailed. He was nice. I am not totally paranoid - but I am not an idiot. I am sure he considers me totally unreasonable - but that's his pride talking, if he does.

Because I am a nice person, he shall remain nameless (and I'd prefer if anyone knows his name, or what he says is his name, anyway, that they not mention it, for his sake). I am just such an idiot.

All I ever asked for was his last name and street address. I am out $250. I also put a deposit on a week at a motel. I fully expected to get this info, too, before I left. I cancelled my trip. He wrote me this morning, and he is still unwilling to part with this very basic information.

Perhaps he feels insulted because we did share a "connection" of sorts, he was planning things for us to do, etc. But - I am sorry. I am not going there. I should have known better - I should have insisted on this information a whole lot sooner.

I need to take a nap. I am so depressed about this. Thanks for the ear, everyone who wrote - I appreciate the ear and advice.

-Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/8/2007 5:30:13 AM >

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RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/8/2007 4:39:27 AM

nissa

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quote:

My question is: If you are going to visit someone in another state, and have your plane ticket, etc. and they had promised to give you very basic identifying information about themselves before your visit, and then refused to do so, what do you do?

actually, for myself, this is quite simple. I would still go but refuse to see the person. Use the time as a vacation instead. Find some areas of interest and seek them out. In addition to this, I would just tell the person that I was calling the trip off and why.

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