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RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:15:41 PM

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I understand where you are coming from missturbation. I was one of the ones that thought I should be with Master at all times or in contact with him more often. Now if it works for anyones relationship that is wonderful. We all have our own things that work or don't. With me i used to sit at the computer and wait for him to come online, or check my e mails 20 times a day looking for a letter from him. He put a stop to that. He gave me a kind but stern lecture about sitting around waiting like that. And encouraged me to get my ass out of the house and make friends, get back to the hobbies I used to love doing , find new ones to try out and find new interests to discover and learn about.
I still miss not being able to talk to him on a daily basis, miss the daily e mails for now but I have gotten back to crocheting, learned to do ceramics, became interested in physiognomy (face reading) and in astronomy and the stars which is a interest of his. I still miss him just as much when not in contact but for me it makes the contact we do have that much better.... for us.

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:18:08 PM

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Actually, I may use her neediness as a way for both of us to enjoy the situation by pointing out her helplessness. That is a real, total power exchange that emphasizes her situation and the total power exchange. We may both find pleasure in the realization.
Losing 'me' and only having 'us' is not power exchange in my opinion - its plain unhealthy.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

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(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:21:14 PM

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Now if it works for anyones relationship that is wonderful.
I agree and if it works for whoever who am i to judge. My opinion is not the only or even the right one.
I just believe still having 'me' is important.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to OnlyHis)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:24:31 PM

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You are right there miss. We need to still be ourselves even in this kind of relationship.:)

< Message edited by OnlyHis -- 3/17/2007 1:26:17 PM >

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:27:32 PM

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It's important for people to have their own lives, yes. But my life before I met Daddy was kind of dull. I worked, I went to school, and for the most part, I stayed home. Occasionally I went to a movie alone or with a friend, but I don't have that many friends here. I have the dual problem of being an extravert and being shy. I get my energy from being with the people that I like, but it's very hard for me to meet new people, since I don't like going out in crowds and such. So then I get depressed from the lack of human interaction, and don't have the energy to go out and fall into a rut.
I still go to church (though not every week, sometimes I just don't feel like schlepping up there), and I still sing in the choir at church, and I still hang out with my friends on occasion. I still call up my friends. All things that I did before I met Daddy. But when it's 6 PM and I'm home and Daddy's still at work, I can sometimes get lonely.
Many people don't really have things that they like doing alone. The only things I prefer to do alone are things that I can do more efficiently alone, and even then I sometimes would rather be less efficient if it means being with a friend (unless it's something I hate doing under any circumstances). I only like being alone if the alternative is to be with people I don't like (or strangers). If I say "I want to be alone" it means that something is wrong. This may be because I get more alone time than I need, and if I was never alone, I might start craving it, but I've never been in that position.
Daddy once asked what I used to do after work before I started coming to his place, because he didn't want me to give things up for him. He thought that surely I must have gone out with my friends/collegues or something, but I only ever went home.

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:29:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Actually, I may use her neediness as a way for both of us to enjoy the situation by pointing out her helplessness. That is a real, total power exchange that emphasizes her situation and the total power exchange. We may both find pleasure in the realization.
Losing 'me' and only having 'us' is not power exchange in my opinion - its plain unhealthy.

Okay, how about this? She can cling to me until I say Uncle. It may take awhile if things are right. I'll make sure her vital signs are intact and she is healthy.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:34:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Won't get any argument from me! I have never understood why when a couple gets together, they can no longer do anything apart. I think it is an unhealthy way to live.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

It's one thing when they "Can't" do anything apart without some undue stress... It's another thing when the choose to not do things apart.

The former definitely indicates some sort of dysfunction. I also agree that it is healthy to maintain the functionality to beable to do things apart from one's partner. In most cases, I think people are able to do this. Consider those that seperate to go work their jobs and return home after the day to carry on with other things. The former however is a choice. Sure there are things that I can and have done that I have enjoyed as single. There is still many things I do that doesn't require my girls to be there with me and I can still enjoy myself. I don't need to kill time waiting for them. But, in general, my favorite things to do actually involve being with them. It's not that I can't or don't do different things... but when I much prefer to have them in my presence than not. Now with Kyra being long distance, many would assume that having her in my presence when we are together would be a natural reaction due to the distance. However, alandra has been with me for alot of years and frankly I prefer to do things when she is around.

Now having said all that.. I do make a point of making that the effort to do things without them or required to some degree them do things with out me. I think it is important that they maintain this ability to enjoy themselves being with themselves. I also find this actually intensifies our times together when we are together. When I make the choice that we are going to do this together. Even with kyra, I made the effort to do things when she is home that seperates us. I don't over do it of course, but it is important for both to feel this when we are in the same city. Alot of that is to prepare things when kyra is able to move to be with me permenantly. I don't suppose she likes it much.. and franky neither do I. But, it better for us in the long run. It also allows her time to bond with the alandra and kids without my presence distracting the situation. It is just helping us to have a better relationship.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SirDominic)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:41:37 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Actually, I may use her neediness as a way for both of us to enjoy the situation by pointing out her helplessness. That is a real, total power exchange that emphasizes her situation and the total power exchange. We may both find pleasure in the realization.
Losing 'me' and only having 'us' is not power exchange in my opinion - its plain unhealthy.

Okay, how about this? She can cling to me until I say Uncle. It may take awhile if things are right. I'll make sure her vital signs are intact and she is healthy.

As role play - ok i can go with that.
As normal every day life nope. I personally need to be me without having to seek permission for it.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 1:56:02 PM

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Missturbation, I agree with your premise. But, you know it is all in degrees and depends on the situation. Truthfully, I'm in a relationship where she is very independent by necessity and by mutual choice. The thing is that I've been in a relationship or two where the clingy aspects surfaced and it wasn't necessarily bad at that point in time for that duration. Whether it would work permanently is another question.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 2:01:05 PM

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It is interesting.....i used to do just that. Sort of lived for 'Him'. In the past year i have come to really appreciate 'some' of my independence, i.e. i do not think i could ever live with a Man again. i have come to so appreciate doing as i please, when i please, yet i miss the M/s in my life also.

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~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 2:06:16 PM

agirl

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Whenever I ponder on what life would be like if I lived with M, I realise how much better off I am....lol.

All sorts of horrors would be in store........he would see EVERYTHING, it's bad enough that he can tell exactly what room I'm in, what I'm doing, what I'm wearing and even the look on my bloody face from the end of a telephone line. I can't imagine him being thrilled about cracker crumbs in the bed, or me nibbling cockles and beetroot in bed. I like pleasing myself too much and I'd get far less of that if he was around more. Having said that, why the hell do I pine for him the moment he's driven away .....lol

agirl

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 2:08:51 PM

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The thing is that I've been in a relationship or two where the clingy aspects surfaced and it wasn't necessarily bad at that point in time for that duration. Whether it would work permanently is another question.
I'm not sure how well im coming across here. I dont think clingy to a certain point is an issue. Im talking about the reality of me and you just becoming us.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 2:18:15 PM

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I too am baffled by needy folks, or subs who get so dependent on the Doms they can no longer function alone. Our level of service commitment and my slaveiness (new word, look it up in the anndictionary) is pretty deep. But despite that, i still have my own interests. Granted i have much less time to do them, they take a back seat to my service. When i do have time i enjoy them just as much. How can someone be so totally dependent on someone else providing them with their happiness is beyond me. Would the other person not get tired of that or find the sub uninteresting in the long run?

(in reply to KatyLied)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 2:43:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

It is interesting.....i used to do just that. Sort of lived for 'Him'. In the past year i have come to really appreciate 'some' of my independence, i.e. i do not think i could ever live with a Man again. i have come to so appreciate doing as i please, when i please, yet i miss the M/s in my life also.

There is a big difference between living for Him or Her, which reflects a possible Co-dependency Dynamic

as compared to

Living for US and WE that reflects an Inter-dependent Relationship Dynamic.

Within a Co-dependency Dyanmic.. individuality and independenceare sure to suffer.

Within a Inter-dependent Relationship Dyanmic.. the individuality and independent identity is allowed to grow... but a new indentity also is born.. and that is the WE. Many can't seem to reconcil the I and We can co-exist. It's a question of balancing ... to much or to littl e water plant dies.. to much or to little sun and it is just as bad off. Balancing the needs of the WE with the I is the key. But I assure you.. if the I takes precedence in the long-term.. there will be no WE.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to angelic)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 2:47:42 PM

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KOM, i really like your opinion of We. now that i reflect on it, not like i am the only one being in need of almost constant companionship here [after all, He in theory could go out without me whenever He pleases]

but in general, i would like to point out that much like a traumatic event, the scenes we create results in a supreme closeness. after all no man has ever pushed me so far, physically, mentally and personally. it is only natural to grow attached to someone who was there for so much of my changing life.

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"lets just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy"

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 2:52:56 PM

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Knight, i would like to say that i enjoy reading your posts. i think you are a honorable, intelligent man and that alandra, kyra and denika are very fortunate... as i am sure you feel that you yourself are fortunate to have them. You all 'make it work'.

Ok... just wanted to say that....sorry for the thread hi-jack.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 3:07:00 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

After reading a thread in ask a sub / slave about filling time when your Dom / Domme is unavailable i am feeling a little baffled !! Ok, so yes it's normal / natural to miss your partner when they are not around, but having to search for ways to fill your time / distract you from their absence just seems somehow wrong.
What happened to the things you used to do before you hooked up / moved in with your partner? Did they get given up completely? Were you just killing time with hobbies until you found 'the one'? Does your life get taken over so completely in your servitude / dominance that you forget how to be just you and do the things you enjoy doing solitarily?
Sorry i know it's a bit of a rant but it annoys me, i'm in a relationship and yes i miss my 'family' when they aren't around but i'm still me and quite happy to do the things i enjoy in their absence. I haven't given up 'me' and become just an 'us' and really struggle to understand anyone that does.

Interesting post.

As someone else noted, it doesn't seem all that unusual to me to find that a submissive might become devoted to her dominant enough to miss him/her when they are apart and feel just a bit lost, if even just for a bit. The "immediate" presence isn't there. Yes, they are submissive to him and yes, all the rules and suggestions and everything else is in place but the immediacy is gone. But...carry it too far and you have an overly needy submissive. Of course, at a different level you could also end up with an overly needy dominant but that does not seem to be the topic here.

Submission and dominance are tricky areas. There've been threads that have stated that you can be dominant and that you can be submissive without being in a relationship. If you know that your submission does not mesh well to another's dominance and that the main thing causing a problem is an insistence upon on more "us" time and less concentration on "me" time, then perhaps your submission is that which can be satisfied serving others and/or engaging in play or casual entanglements.

Personally, I like an intelligent submissive who has her own work and hobbies and yet wants to submit to MY dominance and has a healthy attitude towards other dominants and submissives that she comes to know and respect. Since what I want is an eventual LTR with my submissive which includes a romantic aspect, then she and I will have to negotiate those lines. I have my hobbies...hot rods and motorcycles and making BDSM toys and reading and writing, etc.. I know I will need time for those. I would expect that she will have things in her life that were in place before we met. I also expect to be able to tell her to set them aside and, unless it is vitally important, that will be done because she has learned by then the respect I have for "her" life. I expect her to look to me for strength and guidance and yet, be a person who doesn't need to call me to ask if she should put the toilet paper roll on with the paper up and over today or hanging down.

So much more...but I hope that my answer, while adding another way of looking at the complexity of the situation, addresses most of what you've stated, missturbation.

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 5:09:42 PM

sambamanslilgirl

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i suppose there's a notion floating around that we as submissives/slaves aren't suppose to have a separate life outside our respective Dom/me, Master/Sir etc. before i met Daddy, i had a life and currently as His daughter, i still have that same life. nothing about hasn't changed either only me. i'm still the mom of 2, rockin' with bands for Fearless Radio, volunteer for a neighborhood organization ...i still hang out with friends for lunch and cocktails - my mind doesn't have to be on "submissive mode ofr Daddy" 24/7.

_____________________________

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(in reply to missturbation)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 5:17:15 PM

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I think I would lose my mind if Angel and I no longer had private lives becasue we were together. We will be in a TPE (when we are finally living together, right now its not possible) but I dont desire nor expect him to give everything up for me. I wil expect him to be available when I want to do things and to ask permission before going out with other friends, but I dont want him giving them up. Same with his hobbies. I dont plan on ending my life beasue I have him i dont see why he should pull up stakes and give it all up becasue I want him to be mine alone. I trust he isnt dong anything improper with anyone and I cant imagine him being happy confined to interaction with only me only doing what I like or comand. A busy slave is a happy slave, and if I let him keep his amusements he is more likely to do as he is supposed to. Id hate for him rto eventually resent giving himself to me becasue I cost him all his social outlets

DV

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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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VampiresLair

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

RE: Attached at the hip !! - 3/17/2007 5:20:19 PM

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I work and have plenty of things to occupy my time. I have horses and things always need doing around the house or barn. I have never needed ideas to fill my time. We practice tpe but we aren't attatched at the hip. I think it is important for both to have outside interests. Too much of anything is unhealthy.

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(in reply to missturbation)

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