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"Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 1:33:16 PM

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Is coming out as a slave like coming out as a homosexual? I mean all things considered I know my parents would be a little less happy to hear I was the first then the second. and i dunno, telling my friends just seems... anyone have any advice or stories about how they "Came out" to those they cared about about this?

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 1:55:15 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Calichicka510

Is coming out as a slave like coming out as a homosexual? I mean all things considered I know my parents would be a little less happy to hear I was the first then the second. and i dunno, telling my friends just seems... anyone have any advice or stories about how they "Came out" to those they cared about about this?

While I do understand the desire to come out, I have made the choice to not sit my parents and down have a chat about it. They have picked up that I'm kinky - we don't need to talk about it. They know I like a "traditional" male/female relationship and really... I think that is all they need to know. Coming out to them as a bisexual served the purpose of preparing them in case I ever came home with a woman, but I don't feel coming out to my parents about d/s is going to serve any purpose.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Calichicka510)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 2:12:19 PM

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From: Australia
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My parents also picked up that i was let's say "not of the norm" but chose to say nothing.What i do with my life is my choice, they might not like it or understand it, but they know im happy with who and what i am and thats good enough for them.
Its a chance you take in telling your parents, are you prepared for their answers?
I agree with aquatic, telling them isnt going to serve a purpose.
If you do, good luck.

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"No bond is stronger than that of the Beast"

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 2:28:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Calichicka510

Is coming out as a slave like coming out as a homosexual? I mean all things considered I know my parents would be a little less happy to hear I was the first then the second. and i dunno, telling my friends just seems... anyone have any advice or stories about how they "Came out" to those they cared about about this?

I'd say it's very similar...it's just as hard, if not harder. I've only come out as a slave to a handful of my friends, and it was never very easy...but it was very important to me and it allowed me to be more confident in what I was doing.

When I explained it to my best friend, quite a few years ago, I really went about it all wrong. It was out of the blue, during the middle of a conversation, and I made it sound like I was dying before I told it. :-p

All and all, after actually telling it, I did a good job of explaining my thoughts and feelings. He was a little freaked out, but he understood and he's supported me.

(in reply to Calichicka510)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 4:11:44 PM

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Well, I'm an aspiring Dominant, and so far have only come out to one very dear, old, close friend, (plus my psychiatrist.) I agree it is very similar to coming out as gay or bi, and I'd say probably harder, becuase it is less well known and understood. I'm afraid I can't really give advice, except to say that although it might not serve a "practical" purpose, coming out to your parents might, assuming they understand and accept it, make you more comfortable and at ease with them in the long run, since you won't feel you are hiding who you are from the people who (presumably) are of such great importance to you.
Those are all my thoughts. They and two bucks will get you a cup of coffee.

Lucullus

(in reply to Shawn1066)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 6:19:54 PM

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Joined: 11/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

quote:

ORIGINAL: Calichicka510

Is coming out as a slave like coming out as a homosexual? I mean all things considered I know my parents would be a little less happy to hear I was the first then the second. and i dunno, telling my friends just seems... anyone have any advice or stories about how they "Came out" to those they cared about about this?

I'd say it's very similar...it's just as hard, if not harder. I've only come out as a slave to a handful of my friends, and it was never very easy...but it was very important to me and it allowed me to be more confident in what I was doing.

When I explained it to my best friend, quite a few years ago, I really went about it all wrong. It was out of the blue, during the middle of a conversation, and I made it sound like I was dying before I told it. :-p

All and all, after actually telling it, I did a good job of explaining my thoughts and feelings. He was a little freaked out, but he understood and he's supported me.

Nicely worded Shawn. That took a lot of courage. I thought about telling my family, but decided not to. Religious reasons (theirs), and the pervasive, demanding desire that men be seen as not weak (or else!) I think that last reason adds a more difficult dimension than for someone in a traditional male/female relationship.

I wanted badly to tell everyone. I have practiced and told acquaintances, and it's NEVER been good. Their acceptance is minimal or hostile. Forget it!

I actually moved to a different state to get away from my family to pursue this lifestyle freely, but now they are moving here, and I may have to move again. It's really famil--or my lifestyle. Not happy about that.

(in reply to Shawn1066)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 6:28:18 PM

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From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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greetings calichicka,

i don't see it as the same, only because unless i would normally discuss intimate details of my relationship with a family member or friend, i generally keep the fact that i am a slave to myself. i will describe it to different lengths or in different ways as it's appropriate and as i feel people need to or are able to know/understand. for me, being openly bisexual and coming out as bisexual is something that i am more likely to have sat down and talked about with parents/family because if i ever brought a girl home on a date it would cause much more comment and be much more obvious. as far as my parents and more distant family members knew, we just have a "traditional" relationship...and because i tend to discuss intimate details with my sister, she knows a bit more about the situation, for example.

respectfully,
annabelle.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Calichicka510)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 7:03:42 PM

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From: The Land of Voodoo
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In terms of social acceptability, I think it is more acceptable to come out as a homosexual than someone in the BDSM community. "Vanilla" people don't understand the dynamics of a D/s relationship to start with, so they would most likely view homosexuality as "the lesser of two evils" since it is more prevalant in today's world.

In my life, my family never really knew about my submissive side, but they always knew I was "kinky" at heart. I've just recently come out to my family that my girlfriend is my Mistress. There is something so wonderful and special about Her that I felt I didn't need to hide the true meaning of my relationship with Her. I explained to them that I view Her as my dominant first and my girlfriend second. I explained to them my submissive side and how it is who I am. Naturally, they thought I was nuts, but I didn't care. Now, they are accepting of it and do not judge me at all because of it because they see how happy She makes me. I obviously only came out to my mom and dad because no one else is close enough to me to know something that intimate.

I guess I'm one of the few lucky ones that could come out to their family and not be judged negatively because of it. I was able to do it because the older I've gotten, the less I give a shit what people actually think of me, including my family. It's just who I am. If they don't like the way I choose to live my life or they disapprove of my relationship, they don't have to stick around. I'd be happy to show them the door.

Always remember that coming out to family or friends is a choice and only you can decide if it is a necessary action.

< Message edited by rubberpet -- 11/8/2007 7:04:39 PM >

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 7:13:49 PM

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Reposted:
First, this is a lot like the coming out process that homosexuals have to deal with as well.

Secondly, make sure that you are prepared to handle questions and reactions that might come at you. Sometimes they might be ok with it, sometimes they might be confused, or angry or worried or other things- make sure you can handle whatever is going to be thrown at you.

Next, decide whether you think they are ready for you to come out to them. I'm out to my sister but not to my mother. I doubt I ever will come out t my mom. It's not so much about my own privacy, but about her comfort level. I don't need her to know about me being owned property in order for my relationship to be healthy with her.

Next, on a person by person basis, pick good timing. Holidays are not good. If you're telling casual friends, then do it at a party or some place where youa re being casual. If you are telling a best friend or relative, leave privacy and space to talk.

Your OWN attitude will shine through more than anything you actually say. Keep it simple, keep it generic, keep it nilla-friendly at first, and show that you are happy with this choice. Make sure that you project an attitude of confidence and sincerity. They don't have to understand the relationship as long as they understand it makes you happy.

And give it time. Coming out is a PROCESS, it rarely happens all in one bunch. The more practice you get at coming out, the easier it gets.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_673932/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#673940
questions about coming out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237
Coming Out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704
Telling Family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726
real world acceptance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Calichicka510)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 8:44:55 PM

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I suppose that realistically, the degree of coming out depends on at what stage you are in your life. If you have kids, esp with your Dom, then coming out fully really may not be possible. Also depending on the type of work you do, whether you live in a small town or large city....it all depends. You must do what is practical. Don't think you have to come out to absolutely everyone....if you have come out to yourself, that is what is most important.

Best,
Master's {girl}

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 9:01:32 PM

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Hi calichicka !

i am out with my immediate family and with all of my friends and have been since i met my Master/Daddy.

my family already knew that i march to the beat of a different drummer anyway, so that was helpful.
For me, the process was explaining what i got out of this kind of realtionship, explaining the nurturing elements and not focusing on the play aspects (though ultimately mentioning them too to an extent)

i explained how the soft, giving part of me is better suited to this type of relationship. They all know that part of me so they could understand that much. They could also see how i tended to get frazzled and be more harsh when i felt like i was the one in control in a relationship, like the pressure was causing me to not be able to be who i am at the core.....These were important things to share with them.

my Mother jokes that in her day they called what i am a wife LOL....and in alot of ways that is very true.

Its all in how you explain it.

Good luck :)

_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to gcarlos)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 9:50:03 PM

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Get your hands on the book when someone you love in kinky and have it ready to lend to them so they can read it and process it in their own time.

I haven't and never will come out to my family, my mother knows I like a bit of kinky sex she has seen the whips on my bedroom walls.

My closest friends all know and are understanding and accepting of my lifestyle but most of them are within the lifestyle themselves.

Willow

(in reply to daddyncherry)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/8/2007 10:23:04 PM

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First rule to remember is this.... Once rung the bell can not be unrung.
Second rule... You can control who you tell, but you can not control who they tell.

Do you need to come out to your parents? Do your friends need to know? It is really up to your situation. Some of my friends know, some suspect and some are clueless... it depends on them. My kids know but they asked me directly. It was a load off my mind once they knew... I didn't worry about putting the toys away as much... but it was a little weird. Besides, they are in college now... who knows what they are doing.

(in reply to Willowmoon)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/9/2007 10:31:58 AM

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From: NYS
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Why tell them? The only person I've told is my therapist because by lying to her about me, I don't get full use of therapy.

But he doesn't go around calling me "bitch" in front of my relatives, elderly, minors or my generation. Or at a party. He just asks me to get him another drink, or put on the water for tea.

As far as being poly, which I presume is what you meant by that comment about being the second, not everyone in a d/s relationship subscribes to that either. If you want a monogamous relationship, then hold out for one that fits your needs.

(in reply to ItzKat)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/9/2007 11:57:49 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Calichicka510
Is coming out as a slave like coming out as a homosexual?...

no, depending on what sort of a slave you are, it has been this slave's experience that the discrimination and negative stereotyping of consensual slave's is much worse than that of consensual homosexuals.

when the slave in question is using the word "slave" to describe what vanilla folks think of as some sort of kinky submissive or bottom position with regards to sexual orientation, it then becomes ALL about performing sexual acts as the bottom or submissive partner and doesn't consider any other aspect of an M/s relationship...TMI for lots of folks, especially the grandparents.

you might be even worse off if it isn't merely your preferred way of expressing your sexuality---after all, plenty of folk (even here, on a BDSM discussion board!) believe the concept of being someone else's consensual slave(outside the bedroom) to be illegal, immoral, an insult to forced slavery around the world, and, ultimately, not "real" because the long arm of the law will NOT support your relationship.

same sex partners in a relationship walking hand in hand down a public street, to this slave, are no more dragging this slave non-consenually into their kink than a Master/Mistress holding a leash attached to the collar the slave is wearing, walking down same public street, yet there are those who would chastise one and not the other, according to their own personal view that a collar and leash are merely props for sex.

(in reply to Calichicka510)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/9/2007 5:17:48 PM

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From: Portland Oregon
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Sir and i have come out to our children. All four young men know that He is my Dom and i am his sub. However coming out to His siblings is another story altogether. Sir has two extremely religious siblings(a brother and a sister) so in their eyes, we would be doing the Devil's work...just by sleeping together without the benefit of a marriage is a mortal sin their eyes! Hence we have decided to act vanilla when we are around them.

Our sons(His two aged 18 and 20 and my two aged 33 and 19) have taken it well. They all agree that we are consenting adults and as long as i am not being injured its ok in their eyes.

rose aka Michaelsangel

(in reply to Calichicka510)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/9/2007 7:43:53 PM

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As someone else here said and my Master says to me frequently ... you can't unring a bell. i'd advise being careful who you tell and perhaps ask yourself why you feel you have to tell them.

As others here have said ... there is a delicate way to share with family that you enjoy a more traditional approach to sexual politics if that's true. If you are mainly kinky ... i dunno if i have ever felt that my parents need to know what i do in the bedroom. Lord knows i don't want nor need to know what goes on in theirs. ~laughs~ Though when my father realized that my nipples were pierced, thanks to my older brother's announcement in the middle of a family dinner that He saw them through my bathing suit earlier in the day ... it was a really rough moment. The look on His face was filled with fear and confusion. Daddys don't usually really want to know what their baby girls are doing with men you know?

i made the mistake of -coming out- a few years ago to a good friend. Unfortunately she was also the type that found it so tittilating ... she would bring it up at the craziest times in front of other people. You know ... a night out at a bar or restaurant with friends and she pipes up "so you guys know saki is a slave right?". Though it didn't bother me ... i'm happy to try to educate people about the lifestyle ... it made for some interesting moments with my friends. Frequently they were very open though highly misunderstanding of the lifestyle. The guys generally translate it to mean -easy lay- and the girls translate it to mean -abusive relationsip-. It takes far more than a conversation over hot wings to really get people to understand and let's face it ... many never will.

Though i'd bet more of them went home and had a hot time thinking about it than they'd care to admit! ~winks~

~saki
Property of Master D.

(in reply to Michaelsangel)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/9/2007 7:55:02 PM

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From: Philadelphia area, PA
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I dont feel coming out is nessary. A few have picked up that Master and i have a different relationship, some might even know i am kinky But i wouldnt sit my mom and sisters down and tell them about my sex life when i was married, why should i come out to them about my lifetsyle.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"

(in reply to sakidorei)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/24/2007 2:07:38 PM

propercelticknot

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Can't unring a bell is very true...

i have had a pretty rough time when it came to the folks knowing about my interests.
My mom found out by finding some links to these sites on my laptop (not porn or anything extreme, just some bdsm research i was doing for myself at the time). Needless to say, it didn't go over very well, she flipped (very conservative catholic, same as how i was raised, i just always was a little more openminded about things) and told my dad. he took it a little better, said it was just a "phase" and that it was simply a lack of experience in life that made me think i was interested in all of this (i'm 22, and was 21 when they found out about it).
I've managed to convince my family that i'm not active in the lifestyle, and have stopped all research, and sadly it is necessary for the time being for them to believe so, since i am not quite ready to lose them completely. i've been informed that i will be thrown out and disowned should they find out that i have continued any of this "wicked, abusive nonsense." My mom lost a whole lot of her respect for me in finding out, she seems to think that it changes me from the person she's always known me to be to someone untrustworthy, trashy and irresponsible. i'm in the process of very slowly trying to rebuild what was lost, but i doubt we will ever be anywhere near as close as we used to be... be careful who you tell, their responses can be cruel... some people have no interest in learning about us and our interests, and will simply judge you harshly for your openness.
Fortunately i was able to tell a few of my friends, and they've been great about it, even asking for some of my research since they were too embarrassed to look into it themselves.
I am comfortable with knowing what i am, and have accepted it, i don't need my family's acceptance to be happy in this. I have a favorite quote from Laurell K Hamilton, that isn't about the lifestyle but fits it so very well that i've sorta taken it as my own personal morale booster when i need it. It was the dedication in one of her books... "To Jonathan, who never freaks about my choice of research. He took away my serial killer books, at my request. When i was ready he gave them back. He's helping me understand that just because someone else thinks you're a monster doesn't mean you are. Even if that person says they love you. Here's to finding love that builds you up, instead of breaking you down." - Laurell K Hamilton

rosered

(in reply to LaMspeach)

RE: "Coming Out" - 11/24/2007 2:30:08 PM

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Joined: 7/14/2007
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I came out to my husband...and he gave me permission to seek a "D" type out and explore this lifestyle...I am very fortunate. As time has passed...about 2 years total now...my family(mother, 3 kids, *26; 23; and soon to be 22*year olds) just point blank asked me( not all at the same time though LOL) We are a fairly open and loving family ..very accepting of each other. Any way... I told them, "I will talk about anything you want, and answer any questions I'm able to. Just make sure you want to hear the answers." LOL...this definitely tempered things a tad LOL

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to propercelticknot)

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