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Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 4:32:16 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		i had decided that i probably shouldn't start this post when i read the thread on body image, and i really can't get away from asking this question. That being said, i would request that you are kind with your response because this is an issue that is highly sensitive to me.

To try to preface my actual question i am going to reiterate some information that i have mentioned before on some previous threads and that is that in my childhood i was sexually abused. Part of the result of that was a concerted effort on my part for many years to make myself as unattractive as possible because i felt safer when i wasn't attractive to the opposite sex. Through the years i have dealt with this to some degree and i thought i had completely dealt with it, but it has come up again, making me realize that there is more crap in there to deal with. All of my previous relationships which became sexual started out as friendships that mutated into something more. With two of the relationships i knew that i didn't have the body type that was each of these people found sexually attractive, but given my feelings on being considered sexually attractive, it actually made me feel more comfortable that the basis of the attraction was more based on who i am as a person and not what i looked like.

After my last relationship ended, i started working on losing weight and have been fairly successful at it, but i am finding that i am starting to sabotage myself because i am afraid of getting "too attractive." Since losing about 40 pounds, i am getting reactions to how my body has changed that make me very uncomfortable, which is why i know that the fear of being sexually attractive is still in there.

So after all that back story, my actual questions are these. Are you comfortable with being considered sexually attractive? If you have lived through sexual abuse, do you struggle with that same issue of not wanting to be attractive or even if you haven't had to deal with being sexually abused, do you struggle with being considered attractive? And if you have ever had to deal with the issue that i am raising how did you come to terms with it?

It may come down to, i just need to go back to a counselor to deal with this issues, however i am looking for any way to start to mentally deal with it.

Thank you in advance for your replies,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

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RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 4:46:19 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline 		Now...not quite sure what to say...I can relate to you....yes I know the feeling of better hiding into less attractiveness as it keeps you safer from being "prey" or "hunted"...been there and done that in my aftermath of the abuse...however, these days it does not haunt me anymore at times when I lose weight which has problaby to do to with my escort past some years ago...as there I realised that as many guys like their skinny girls as many guys like their less skinny girls...so with other words...there will always be people whom you are appealing to, does not matter what size. Once my uni stress will be over I aim to get back to 160lbs and of course that can cause some reactions...particular as I often got the comment "you have such a lovely face, but your body..."

Well...quite frankly once I am down to my "old weight" I will keep in mind "how would that person have behaved if that person would have met me with 40 or 60lbs more???" Would that person still treat me with respect or not?! If not, well then get the hell out of my way...these days I simply don't feel the need anymore to hide my body from anyone....after all, it's my body and it is good to have it

_____________________________

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

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(in reply to heartfeltsub)
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RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 4:49:10 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

So after all that back story, my actual questions are these. Are you comfortable with being considered sexually attractive?

With being considered sexually attractive? Yes, I'm very comfortable with that. It's something that's been a part of my life ever since the first day of high school, even when I overweight as well, so it's. The good parts and the bad.
quote:


If you have lived through sexual abuse, do you struggle with that same issue of not wanting to be attractive or even if you haven't had to deal with being sexually abused, do you struggle with being considered attractive?

I have not lived through sexual abuse. I was molested once by a friend and I don't believe for a second that it was attraction motivating him. It was the booze and his desire to fuck anything in a skirt.
quote:


And if you have ever had to deal with the issue that i am raising how did you come to terms with it?

*sighs* I hate this topic because every time it comes up I feel like a stuck-up bitch complaining. However... it is something that I kinda wish more people could relate to so here is my attempt at a reply.

My issues with being sexually attractive come from friends mostly. I find I don't always trust men who claim to be my friends. On the one hand, I seem to get along with men better, particularly when I'm thin. I've been told it's because I can make other women jealous - I honestly don't know. But on the other hand, I've had ex-friends confess that they were only pretending to be friends with me to try and get laid.

A few times in high school, when I suffering from depression, I expressed a desire to scar my face and body so that I would know who liked me and who liked my tits. A stranger who honks at me gives me a nice little ego boost but finding out that someone I thought I could on was just angling for a way into my bed is crushing.

Perhaps because of this, I have a HUGE aversion to dating friends and I make this very clear. I would rather start dating someone who is almost a complete stranger. That way if he's asshole, I haven't really lost anything. And sometimes I meet some of his friends who become friends to me in the process. So, if we break up, I might still come out with more friends instead of realizing someone I thought was a friend only wanted me for my body and probably losing some friends in the mess.

When I mention these things to friends because I'm upset, sometimes I get a "Well, you're hot. What do you expect?" response. Which is... less than encouraging and just makes me feel like I should be ashamed of myself for expecting people to treat me like a human being. I know they don't mean ill but from their point of view I have nothing to be upset about and from mine... being unsure of who I can trust is something that bothers me greatly.

My two cents.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 4/26/2010 4:51:12 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 5:17:42 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		I didn't live through sustained sexual abuse (several incidents, unfortunately, like so many of us), but I did deal with emotional issues that came from a very bad marriage.

I hid for so long during my marriage- 40 lbs or so extra weight, bad haircut, big glasses, no make up- that I got used to being invisible. After that ended, I started to drop weight and started taking care of myself (I remember buying a pink blouse- so different from my black, navy or grey- and thinking how daring I am!).

By the time I met Sir, I had dropped a bunch of weight and started to let my hair grow. He encourage it, and more feminine clothes, and make up and finally, I had some surgery to restore the girls to the size they were before I had kids.

But I am uncomfortable when men look at me. I just think it's because when I am with Sir, I wear heels that make me even taller (most often 6 feet). He says I am an attention getter. He likes it, so I will continue to dress as He chooses, but often I am uncomfortable with the attention.

For a long time, I didn't even notice it- I couldn't believe that someone would be looking at me. And women started being cold as I started improving my looks. I hate that- I'm the same person.

I'm beginning to get used to it. And sometimes, just sometimes, I will see a reflection of an attractive woman and realize that it's me! And I like it.

I love that Sir finds me attractive and is proud to have me on His arm. Some days I love that I think I look hot. Other days, I hate the attention (He loves when I get attention). But the days I think I look good have gotten more often than not. And that's been one of His goals.

We are allowed to feel good, get attention and NOT be threatened.

I think talking to a professional might be a good idea for you. Carrying extra weight is a health hazard- not just a psychological shield. This should be about your health and self esteem.

_____________________________

Property of Cuffkinks

Member:
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(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 6:16:02 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		My dear, I'm so sorry you have been hurt in such an awful way. Please understand how you look has nothing to do with what was done to you. What was done to me was done to a 5 year old. How could my looks have mattered? Only a sick person does such things. I don't really have any advise for you other than to tell you to be as beautiful as YOU want and as happy with your looks as YOU want. Love yourself and know there is nothing wrong with what you look like.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 6:31:40 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I can't say I've ever struggled with being attractive. I kinda like it. I like when men smile at me or talk to me because they find me pretty. The only time it gets annoying is when I get stalked by strange men who want to follow me as I walk during my lunch break. I just wanna be left alone during that time.

It could be for me though that I like it because when I was younger I had a skin condition that caused me horrible pain and I looked like a burn victim. It has since gone into remission and I've learned to take special care of my skin. It's now nice to have people look at me and smile instead of shriek away in terror.

(in reply to GraciousLady)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 6:35:07 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I like to be treated like a piece of man meat.

I cannot begin to tell you all how often that I have to remind my company that, "My eyes are up here."


It could be that when I was younger I was adorable....I was a hot eight year old. And I knew it.


I am eye candy. Deal with it.

_____________________________



(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 8:56:38 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		But you are so much more.



Jeff
(blushing)

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/26/2010 9:07:08 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Have I told you lately that you are breathtaking?....Absolutely breathtaking!!!

Deal with it, you losers!

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 2:06:53 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenixpower

Now...not quite sure what to say...I can relate to you....yes I know the feeling of better hiding into less attractiveness as it keeps you safer from being "prey" or "hunted"...been there and done that in my aftermath of the abuse...however, these days it does not haunt me anymore at times when I lose weight which has problaby to do to with my escort past some years ago...as there I realised that as many guys like their skinny girls as many guys like their less skinny girls...so with other words...there will always be people whom you are appealing to, does not matter what size. Once my uni stress will be over I aim to get back to 160lbs and of course that can cause some reactions...particular as I often got the comment "you have such a lovely face, but your body..."

Well...quite frankly once I am down to my "old weight" I will keep in mind "how would that person have behaved if that person would have met me with 40 or 60lbs more???" Would that person still treat me with respect or not?! If not, well then get the hell out of my way...these days I simply don't feel the need anymore to hide my body from anyone....after all, it's my body and it is good to have it


Phoenixpower, thank you for your reply. You are correct in that it is a matter of not feeling safe., i mentally realize that what i looked like as a 7 to 8 year old child had nothing to do with the sexual abuse, intellectually, but in my gut, it isn't the same. Oddly enough, if i am naked in the public dungeon or a D/s setting, i have no feeling of not being safe, i know that there are people there who monitor the dungeon and i have never had a problem with people touching what doesn't belong to them. It is only in the "real" world where i don't feel as safe.

You are also correct that no matter what my body type is, there are going to be people who find that particular body type attractive, and that is reassuring to a point.

Thank you again for your reply,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Phoenixpower)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 2:13:03 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Aquatic,

Thank you for your reply. You didn't sound like a stuck up whatever to me, in fact it helped me realize the other side so to speak and it actually did help and i am glad that you posted it. From your pictures here on CM, you are a very attractive woman and i can see where not knowing if the person really likes you as a person or just wants to have sex with you can make one distrust the "friendships". That is part of what i can "relax" in in my current state, i know that the other person wanted me, who i am inside and was not just craving my body, which has nothing to do with who i really am. So i am comfortable with that part. i just want to get over the fear that rises in me when someone does actually find me hot.

Thank you again for your reply,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 2:18:34 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

I didn't live through sustained sexual abuse (several incidents, unfortunately, like so many of us), but I did deal with emotional issues that came from a very bad marriage.

I hid for so long during my marriage- 40 lbs or so extra weight, bad haircut, big glasses, no make up- that I got used to being invisible. After that ended, I started to drop weight and started taking care of myself (I remember buying a pink blouse- so different from my black, navy or grey- and thinking how daring I am!).

By the time I met Sir, I had dropped a bunch of weight and started to let my hair grow. He encourage it, and more feminine clothes, and make up and finally, I had some surgery to restore the girls to the size they were before I had kids.

But I am uncomfortable when men look at me. I just think it's because when I am with Sir, I wear heels that make me even taller (most often 6 feet). He says I am an attention getter. He likes it, so I will continue to dress as He chooses, but often I am uncomfortable with the attention.

For a long time, I didn't even notice it- I couldn't believe that someone would be looking at me. And women started being cold as I started improving my looks. I hate that- I'm the same person.

I'm beginning to get used to it. And sometimes, just sometimes, I will see a reflection of an attractive woman and realize that it's me! And I like it.

I love that Sir finds me attractive and is proud to have me on His arm. Some days I love that I think I look hot. Other days, I hate the attention (He loves when I get attention). But the days I think I look good have gotten more often than not. And that's been one of His goals.

We are allowed to feel good, get attention and NOT be threatened.

I think talking to a professional might be a good idea for you. Carrying extra weight is a health hazard- not just a psychological shield. This should be about your health and self esteem.


Hejira,

Thank you for your reply. The section that i bolded it is that exactly. i have to this point in my life preferred invisiblity and when i really dress up, heels and all, i am a six foot blonde with really long legs and huge tits. And the reaction to that makes me very uncomfortable and i have been told that i am very memorable, that people i don't even remember really talking to at a club remember me just from describing my looks.

i thnk you may be right that i need to talk to some kind of professional to get past this because i don't want to live in fear anymore and i don't want to gain back the weight that i have already lost and want to lose the rest of what i need to lose without being afraid of men's reactions to what my body looks like.

Thank you again for your reply,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 2:20:58 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GraciousLady

My dear, I'm so sorry you have been hurt in such an awful way. Please understand how you look has nothing to do with what was done to you. What was done to me was done to a 5 year old. How could my looks have mattered? Only a sick person does such things. I don't really have any advise for you other than to tell you to be as beautiful as YOU want and as happy with your looks as YOU want. Love yourself and know there is nothing wrong with what you look like.


GraciousLady,

Thank you for your reply. Intellectually i know what you saying is true. Emotionally, internally, i still hear the guy who abused me saying "so pretty, so pretty" and it freaks me out makes me want to be anything but pretty because pretty isn't safe.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to GraciousLady)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 2:22:50 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Littlewonder,

Thank you for your reply. i can see where different experiences can greatly color one's reactions to being pretty.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 3:00:12 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I've always made a joke that my sister is the one men want to marry and I'm the one they want to fuck.

But it's a defensive joke. I've been incredibly fit and then very overweight and am now somewhere in between and it's never made much difference to the sexual attraction that men have for me. I am a very physical person and have always loved sex and somehow that seems to show through and men are attracted to that and don't seem to look past it to the person and what else I may have to offer.

I've always had to deal with friends boyfriends or husbands trying to start something on the side with me. What I have a hard time understanding is that I'm not beautiful, my friends are often much more so, but that doesn't seem to make a difference.

I'm 50 years old now and still have 20 to 70 year old men that try to get together but in most cases it's just about the sex and my own defencivness has made it worse, as I'm inclined to be the first to walk away rather then wait for them to do so. I've probably blown a few potentially good relationships because of this and it's something I'm trying to work on.

I have the issue with weight also but for a different reason. Keeping the extra lbs gives me a reason why a man may not want anything but the sex... and I can blame it on the weight if they leave afterwards...if I lose the weight then I don't have anything to blame it on except that they didn't want me.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 3:17:04 AM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline 		I have always gone out of my way since high school to be sexually attractive once I figured out being hot was far more beneficial than not. I have never been sexually abused though so I don't have any of those issues to contend with.

I live in stilettos, I'm 6' in them, I love form fitting clothes and attracting male attention. It only has positive connotations to me, and I work to stay that way. Gym, diet, botox, manicures, whatever. He wants it, he pays for it, and I'm not so naive to think there aren't 50 women behind me that would love a successful generous man like mine, so whatever it takes to stay that way I'll gladly do. If that seems shallow, I'm ok with that. If other women get insecure around me, I certainly don't intend to make them feel that way, but I'd take that over the alternative anytime.


_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 3:32:46 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Reclaim your power. Be beautiful and attractive.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 3:54:53 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i was an ugly duckling. in my late teens i 'blossomed' and found the attention i got from men very disturbing.  i hated how they looked at me, whistled.  id walk into a room and all the women in there would hate me on sight and all the time i thought i was still that ugly duckling.  i remember once walking through londons soho and a woman walked up to me and made a slashing action across my face as if she had a knife in her hand.  i was with my mum at the time and she said 'she's jealous' i remember thinking 'jealous of what'.  being attractive actually isnt always that much fun, it puts huge pressure on you when they stare, its invasive.  it took me a long time to get comfortable with myself and i wish i knew then what i know now......,

that how you look isnt a measure of who you are and if people stare then let them, theyre not getting a piece of you and youre still autonamous and the person you are.  put those heels and makup on for you, noone else.  walk tall and be proud that youre a sensual, sexy woman.  being sexually attractive doesnt mean you have to put out, you can create a bubble of good feeling around youreself and enjoy the day - if men look then you can be sure theyre looking at other women too, it isnt personal at all.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Aynne88)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 4:37:26 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't have a history of abuse, but like lally I was an ugly duckling. I have never been comfortable with the way men change how they see you based on your body. Things like the pharmacist suddenly eying me after I lost weight and bought more form fitting clothes. People I'd known as friends suddenly changing how they look at me.

However it helped when I put the onus on them. Instead of sabotaging yourself can you view them differently? Make a mantra to repeat when this happens? Something like "shallow asshole, if they couldn't see my value before they aren't going to get the chance now". Not the usual mantra, true, but more empowering.

Because when this happens you need to change your view of them as less worthy because they were too blind to see your worth before. And that is the truth.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive - 4/27/2010 6:13:55 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

i was an ugly duckling. in my late teens i 'blossomed'


Did you know that "Blossom" is Jeffff's nickname?

Did I mention that he is simply breathtaking?

_____________________________



(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 20
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