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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 10:57:29 AM   
kalikshama


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quote:

You don't experience pain as pleasure, you experience it as agony and use it to deal with your emotional issues. Tell me what the difference is between you and someone who cuts. 


As a springboard for further discussion, here's NZ from the Self-Harm v Masochism thread:

If we look at happiness as a number scale (from -10 being hopelessly melancholy to +10 being ecstatic) I find self-harmers (as have been described here) are using pain as a way to get from a negative number back to 0, rather than to get from 0 to a higher positive number.

The effect is essentially the same but we tend to look at things more negatively (this is likely to account for greater guilt with the former actions compared to the latter) if the act wasn't begun from a 0 or positive status, as we view negative numbers as states of compromised mental capacity.


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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:11:57 AM   
Fetters4U


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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
No. A theory may or may not explain how it can be one way for some people and another way for other people but it does not allow it. What allows it to be about sex for some people and not about sex for others is that... drum roll please... for some people it's all about sex and for others it is not. I think I'll lean on actual reality here rather than theoretical logic chains.

This whole thread is akin to someone who lives in the UK telling me, "I see it's raining there right now." So I look out the window and it's sunny and pleasant with not a cloud in the sky and say, "No, actually it's not." Then the UK person tells me, "Yes it is. I saw a weather report just a moment ago." The fact that so many people cannot see how ludicrous that is would be astonishing to me if this wasn't the internet. Honestly, if that happened to you, what would you think about the other person? For me, the phrase, "Totally disconnected with reality" comes to mind.

Theories do not refute reality. Reality refutes theories. <insert fancy latin here to sound smart>

I do not agree Jeff.  I think its like the person in the UK saying it is raining. You saying it is not. Me saying that all weather depends on the sun, and the person in the UK saying that I am wrong because it is raining.

Without the sun, there is no weather. Without sex, there is no BDSM. Individuals higher motivations may vary widely, but under the hood, it is the same chemical cocktails at work.

Ed


_____________________________

Male-Dom-Straight

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. -- Mae West
I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. -- Mae West

To err is human; to edit, divine...

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:14:20 AM   
Arpig


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quote:

Does anyone on this thread have a masters or PHD in either anthropology or sociology and what do they think of the questions/answers presented here?
We would be so lucky!!

Actually there is a woman who does work or is studying in this field, I recall her mentioning it in a thread down in P&R. But damned if I can remember exactly who it was...I can see her avatar in my mind's eye, but can't attach a name to it.


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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:22:44 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U
I do not agree Jeff.  I think its like the person in the UK saying it is raining. You saying it is not. Me saying that all weather depends on the sun, and the person in the UK saying that I am wrong because it is raining.

Without the sun, there is no weather. Without sex, there is no BDSM. Individuals higher motivations may vary widely, but under the hood, it is the same chemical cocktails at work.

Ed


So, you would discount any and all dynamics that include the "D" for discipline that are service or protocol based because there is no sex involved?


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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:23:14 AM   
Arpig


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quote:

And we might just find that our only disagreement is one of extent. I would argue that for me personally, "sex" is certainly not always a primary driver in terms of my relationships, even my d/s ones. Sure it is a LOT of the time, make no bones about it.
I couldn't agree more if you paid me. My relationship with my Ex is a prime example, there is nothing sexual about it, but it is very a close and emotionally intimate relationship all the same.

However, one could see such non-sexual, or platonic, relationships as reproductive strategies in and of themselves. Thinking in terms of the cave man clan, having allies (i.e. friends) will tend to enhance one's chance of both surviving and improving one's status in the clan, both of which will give you a better shot reproductively speaking. And if these allies are of the opposite gender, then wouldn't that tend to increase one's chances to procreate? I've had more success with women I've been introduced to by other women than those I've met in other ways.


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Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:26:18 AM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U
Without the sun, there is no weather. Without sex, there is no BDSM. Individuals higher motivations may vary widely, but under the hood, it is the same chemical cocktails at work.

I certainly agree that at some level of abstraction it is possible to reduce all of life -- any life, not simply human -- down to procreation. But why stop there? Why not say something more expansive like, "Well, I believe in a causality so really it's all because that's how the energy of the big bang happened to form." I'm sure that if I was Stephen Hawkings I could dial out the zoom factor at least a few more levels from that. I could also opt to zoom in, eg: "Well, down at the quantum level it's all random so Carol and I do what we do because that's how the quantum dice rolled today."

Seriously though, I somehow doubt "Because that's how the cookie crumbled in the big bang" is a useful answer to the OP's question.

I am curious though, when you say "BDSM" are you referring to the whips & chains part or do you also count D/s as "BDSM"? My "domination" of Carol (note the quotes) is very much akin to managing a corporation of 2. It has no more sexual content than that. We do not [barely] do the "whips & chains" part. I can easily see how I would conclude that FOR ME, if what I was looking at was "whips & chains" then yes, it would all be about sex. I still wouldn't conclude that about the larger sample set without a well funded and executed study that was peer reviewed.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:26:36 AM   
Arpig


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quote:

So, you would discount any and all dynamics that include the "D" for discipline that are service or protocol based because there is no sex involved?
No, we're not talking about the actual activities, but rather the fundamental motivations for wanting or liking those activities.

_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!


Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:42:26 AM   
Fetters4U


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

So tell me is it really about sex for most people?


Let's talk less theory and talk about real life BDSM practices in real life clubs and why they occur, do they occur for purely sexual needs?

Nobody can say if it is so for "most" people but certainly it is so for many but not for all. For example, one couple at the local lifestyle club will use caging and bondage and some breath play to warm up for intense passionate sex while another Dom is focused on sending a recently met sub into subspace and he already had great sex at home with his wife earlier and has that need already fulfilled. Yet another Dom spends two hours carefully placing small needles into an artistically self designed pattern into a girl and then spends the rest of the evening parading her around and taking pictures.

So, in short we see BDSM practices practiced in a typical lifestyle club on a Saturday night to fulfill many different human needs for different people "in the lifestyle" and I will Maslow's hierarchic pyramid of needs to illustrate and relate these different BDSM practices as they are used to fulfill human needs other than sexual.

On this typical night at the local lifestyle club we will see:

1) The couple involved in caging and breath play is doing so as a preceptor to passionate public sex fulfilling the base human need for sex using a scene of their making.

2) For the second couple, their BDSM practice includes no sex but rather fulfills the need for self-actualization with the the Dom working very hard on a scene to send the girl into subspace as his goal or "mark" or baseline measurement for excellence in being a Dom.

3) For the third couple, there is no scene and their actions include no sex but instead is a practice that fulfills the need for Self Esteem and recognition for the Dom and sub who are into artistic needle play.

So, while you in your OP admittedly use BDSM for "sexual magic" or to fulfill a base human need there are many others who use BDSM practices to meet completely different human needs with no sex or sex substitution activities involved before or after the scene.

Well wishes,
Arturas


Oh please. When will everyone figure out that in this context, sex does not mean fucking? The actual act of sex is just the tiniest part of what the sex drive provides for humans. Self actualization, the quest for excellence, self esteem and recognition all are all emotions that come as part of the sex drive package. They all have to do with making ourselves better, so we can get a better mate. While your participants in the last two performance may never have had a single sexual thought, it is still all about sex.

In a public performance, there are probably dozens of geeky guys watching with their hands down their trousers, and someone taking photographs so millions more can get off at home. If sexless BDSM exists anywhere, it is not at a BDSM club. 



_____________________________

Male-Dom-Straight

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. -- Mae West
I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. -- Mae West

To err is human; to edit, divine...

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:45:55 AM   
Arpig


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quote:

If sexless BDSM exists anywhere, it is not at a BDSM club.
QFT!!!

Truer words were never typed!


_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!


Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to Fetters4U)
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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:51:15 AM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U
Oh please. When will everyone figure out that in this context, sex does not mean fucking?

Not speaking for everyone but between you and me, "yes, I get that." We are talking what motivates. IN my case, I'm looking specifically at the actual emotional responses that I have when I "boss Carol around" Whether or not my bits went anywhere near her bits isn't the question I'm thinking of.

I absolutely agree that one could say, "Bill Gates built Microsoft so he could screw a pretty woman." I just think that level of abstraction misses ALL of the interesting details. I don't really believe that if someone were to ask me, "So why do you think Bill built Microsoft?" the answer they would be looking for is "to screw pretty women" even if they acknowledge it was true at some level.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Fetters4U)
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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:53:00 AM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U
I do not agree Jeff.  I think its like the person in the UK saying it is raining. You saying it is not. Me saying that all weather depends on the sun, and the person in the UK saying that I am wrong because it is raining.

Without the sun, there is no weather. Without sex, there is no BDSM. Individuals higher motivations may vary widely, but under the hood, it is the same chemical cocktails at work.

Ed


So, you would discount any and all dynamics that include the "D" for discipline that are service or protocol based because there is no sex involved?



This is an excellent point also.

I find it interesting that so many people get so passionate about arguing what 'it is' for other people. People that they are seriously clueless about. It's like telling them they wad instead of fold when they have never been in the person's house, let alone present in the bathroom with them to know whether they actually wad or fold.

An awful lot of projecting personal shit onto others.

I prefer to be served to play with someone I care about and am sexually attracted to. I prefer to dominate someone I am sexually attracted to.

However, that does not mean I don't enjoy being served well by someone that does nothing for me sexually. Knowing I've caused pain to some people, that I have zero sexual attraction to, does not even give me a slight tingle in a sexual nature. Truth be told, it is likely a very good thing I have morals and that there are laws I do not wish to suffer the consequences of breaking.

It really is as simple as the fact that some things I enjoy, that fit within the BDSM description, give me zero sexual thrill....even though they do give me a thrill......still nothing sexual about it at all. I've never seen anything that says primal must always be sexual. The urge to cause pain can most certainly be a primal urge, but that does not make it sexually so.

The above does not negate that BDSM is always sexual in nature to many people. Or even that it is, most of the time, even to me. But not always, and I would never be so arrogant as to say that it is, for everyone.



< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/4/2011 11:56:34 AM >


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 11:57:40 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U
In a public performance, there are probably dozens of geeky guys watching with their hands down their trousers, and someone taking photographs so millions more can get off at home. If sexless BDSM exists anywhere, it is not at a BDSM club. 



What kind of clubs do you attend that allow photography without the consent of the participants to be plastered on the fucking web?  You might want to choose another if that is their policy.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 12:03:39 PM   
BitaTruble


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...












< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 8/4/2011 12:43:43 PM >


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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 12:06:38 PM   
LadyConstanze


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U
In a public performance, there are probably dozens of geeky guys watching with their hands down their trousers, and someone taking photographs so millions more can get off at home. If sexless BDSM exists anywhere, it is not at a BDSM club. 



What kind of clubs do you attend that allow photography without the consent of the participants to be plastered on the fucking web?  You might want to choose another if that is their policy.



That seems odd, I've been to some rather big BDSM events in Europe and the US, and anybody filming without permission would have gotten the boot ASAP, it's usually taken so seriously that you can't use your cell phone camera even for a private shot, by entering the venue you agree to the rules, it's for pretty good reasons because I wouldn't go to a club that doesn't take privacy seriously and nor would anybody I know.


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Those who do and those who don't!

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 12:07:25 PM   
Fetters4U


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quote:

ORIGINAL: IceDemeter
Starting from this premise, would you agree that procreation itself would be a secondary driver? In a pack species, many animals do not procreate at all, as their places in the hierarchy are designed for the survival of the pack as a whole, without adding their own genes to the mix.

What is your opinion on what conscious thought adds to the mix? Do you feel that it can over-ride biological imperatives or is it merely a "surface" thing?

If you feel that it can over-ride biological imperatives at any time, do you think that individuals are correct in their judgement of their own motivations for any activity, whether they judge the motivation to be thought or a biological driver?

Pack animals are interesting. What about hive creatures such as honey bees? There is one fertile female, a few short lived males, and the rest are androgynous drones. Still, every activity in the hive is tuned towards its survival. While the sex act is minimal, sexual procreation rules.

This most primal drive is the drive to survive. It predates sex by untold millions of years. Yet, we have countless examples of people sacrificing their lives to save others. We can obviously override the prime directives when we want to. However, can we prevent them from impacting our day to day decisions? Probably not.

I look before I cross the road -- survival. I comb my hair before I go out -- sex. I balance my checkbook -- security. I sit opposite the pretty girl on the train -- sex. I cross the street to avoid the gang on the corner -- fight/flight.        

I am not entirely sure that even some of our most intellectual actions are not actually pre-programmed. Consider, jumping into a swollen river to save a child. Is that an rational mental decision? So, what's the explanation when the child's pet dog does the same thing? What about when a human does it to save a puppy? Could mammals be programmed to protect the young?




_____________________________

Male-Dom-Straight

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. -- Mae West
I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. -- Mae West

To err is human; to edit, divine...

(in reply to IceDemeter)
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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 12:15:53 PM   
Arpig


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That's a wonderful bit of writing there Bita, but essentially meaningless.

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!


Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

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Profile   Post #: 196
RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 12:33:11 PM   
crazyml


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U
Consider, jumping into a swollen river to save a child. Is that an rational mental decision?


I would only jump into a river to save a child if I thought it would get me laid.

FUCK!

Oh curses Fetters4U, my whole argument has been defeated by your trickery.

;-)


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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 12:34:41 PM   
Arturas


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quote:

While your participants in the last two performance may never have had a single sexual thought, it is still all about sex.


That is an interesting statement. Here is another: "even though there was no smoke there was fire".

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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 12:35:34 PM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

Actually there is a woman who does work or is studying in this field, I recall her mentioning it in a thread down in P&R. But damned if I can remember exactly who it was...I can see her avatar in my mind's eye, but can't attach a name to it.



You might be thinking of Juliaoceania. She's working on her Masters in Anthropology. She's been offline for awhile which is too bad. I'd enjoy learning her views on this topic.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Is It Really All About Sex? - 8/4/2011 12:38:35 PM   
Fetters4U


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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
I certainly agree that at some level of abstraction it is possible to reduce all of life -- any life, not simply human -- down to procreation. But why stop there? Why not say something more expansive like, "Well, I believe in a causality so really it's all because that's how the energy of the big bang happened to form." I'm sure that if I was Stephen Hawkings I could dial out the zoom factor at least a few more levels from that. I could also opt to zoom in, eg: "Well, down at the quantum level it's all random so Carol and I do what we do because that's how the quantum dice rolled today."

Seriously though, I somehow doubt "Because that's how the cookie crumbled in the big bang" is a useful answer to the OP's question.

I am curious though, when you say "BDSM" are you referring to the whips & chains part or do you also count D/s as "BDSM"? My "domination" of Carol (note the quotes) is very much akin to managing a corporation of 2. It has no more sexual content than that. We do not [barely] do the "whips & chains" part. I can easily see how I would conclude that FOR ME, if what I was looking at was "whips & chains" then yes, it would all be about sex. I still wouldn't conclude that about the larger sample set without a well funded and executed study that was peer reviewed.

I do not believe in causality. I believe we have a choice. I also believe a lot of what happens is chance. However, I do believe that nature loads the dice.

I do not think that there is a single thing in your life that does not have Carol at its heart. You are doomed my friend. Even a trip to the corner store to buy a quart of milk is somehow about sex.

To me, BDSM is about human relationships. The only reasons humans have relationships is sex. If we reproduced asexually, like amoebas say, we would never have got together in any way. Of course, we would have then lost out on all the advantages of family, teamwork, sharing and so on. There is a reason all the higher animals reproduce sexually.

D/s exists in many species. There is pecking order among chickens and so on. Think of the dynamics of dominant and subordinate wolves in a pack. They are high level predators. They are very similar to humans. The reason those relationships exist is for the survival of the pack. Survival means sex and cubs. So, yes, to answer your and LadyPact's question, I do believe that all D/s activity, no matter how innocuous, is in some way connected to sexual procreation. I may not be smart enough to figure out how, but I am sure that it is.

Ed




_____________________________

Male-Dom-Straight

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. -- Mae West
I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. -- Mae West

To err is human; to edit, divine...

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 200
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