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Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 5:37:07 AM

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/7/2007
Status: offline

I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it.

My question is, how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man? If I'm open and honest about it I'd have thought it would not be a problem but it's not turning out that way. In many cases there seems to be instant hatred eminating from them without knowing who I am or how or why I got into the situation I find myself in.

Are married men seeking d/s relationships with others, possibly also married, that universally reviled, or have I just been extremely :) unlucky so far?

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 5:49:03 AM

Posts: 4591
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline

If you're so unhappy, get the divorce, bang, no more conundrum.

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 5:50:53 AM

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings breastbonder,

not knowing the details of your situation, i would expect that while most submissives (including myself) would be happy about your honesty (do not doubt that we are VERY glad you are at least honest about it...please don't let this make you bitter enough to lie)...we either have strong feelings about cheating or are seeking someone who can fully be a part of our lives, or both.

i know i would not be happy with someone who was a "part time master" and had to lie to see me, regardless of how i feel about cheating. on top of that, i would prefer to be with someone (even if it were not 24/7) who i knew was happy and fulfilled in their life and could seek what they wanted in life - like i do. it is obvious you are unhappy in your marriage, and unfortunately unless you're planning to leave it, that is going to be a BIG part of who you are and what your life is like...and i would prefer to be around someone who is comfortable with themselves and their situation. just a personal preference - i do not need that kind of energy around me.

like i said before, i know only what you've mentioned about your situation, but i would be much more likely to seek a relationship with you if you were planning to divorce. that said, if i were seeking, i would be seeking a long-term, committed relationship, not "part time submission" as such, so perhaps that is what makes the difference, as well.

respectfully,
annabelle.

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 11/19/2007 5:53:56 AM >

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 5:57:05 AM

Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline

Morning breastbonder,
First things first. Does your wife know you are on collarme searching for another woman to meet the needs she is not? Second, does she approve and /or support this search? If the answers are yes then I highly recommend you add that part to your profile. If she does not know/appprove then you face a fairly diffcult issue. The foundation for a BDSM lifestyle (up to and including casual play/scening) is based on trust. If slaves/subs perceive you as an unethical straying husband it will be difficult to find someone based on the precept that if your wife cannot trust you why should i? Hope this has been at least a little helpful.

Constrictor1

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 6:11:43 AM

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

Divorce, never easy, but so much better than living a lie.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 6:44:38 AM

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Most women want to be of primary importance to their partners. They want the ability to call him late at night if they have to go sit by a parent's bedside in the hospital. They want to be able to spend an entire weekend with their partners, going antiqueing, to the movies, getting the oil changed in the car, etc.

Now, if you can find an equally unhappily married woman who also doesn't want to uproot her family at this time, you might then be able to do something; but only if you still are compatible. And there's a lot more to compatibility than just sniping about your spouse.

One point for you to ponder. By marrying this woman without having first telling her about your desire for BDSM, you lied to her, you robbed her of the chance to find a husband who would love her for who she is. She didn't lie to you, she was honest from the beginning. You aren't paying for this lie, she is.

(in reply to chiaThePet)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 6:58:12 AM

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it.

You're paying for it?

Is that the line that you give to those who you talk to on here? The 'poor me; my wife does not understand" excuse?

Holy fuck.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 7:21:38 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it.

You're paying for it?

Is that the line that you give to those who you talk to on here? The 'poor me; my wife does not understand" excuse?

Holy fuck.

Precisely why I put that exact line in my profile when I say, "No married men, no excuses as to why my wife does not understand me" crap.

And still they write and get pissed off that you don't applaud their honesty.

Guess what, dude? We don't fucking care that you made the wrong choice. Divorce your wife (I am sure she would be much better off without a cheating husband), find a married woman or get over it, but don't ask why single women seeking a single partner don't want YOU.

Where is that smiley of someone banging their head on a brick well when you need it?

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 7:34:54 AM

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

_____________________________

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~Ron and Hup

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 7:36:03 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

LOL thanks.

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 7:37:28 AM

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

If you loved her enough to marry her, you should do what you can to make things work. I just think it's sleazy the way you worded it, but I understand the situation. If you had an interest in BDSM before you married her and she didn't, you should have thought of that before you married her.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 7:56:16 AM

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

If you are lying about your life there is very little chance of finding a partner who won't lie to you, in my experience. Therefore, if your wife does not know of your intrest in BDSM, or that it is important enough to you that you wish to seek it elsewhere, then you will encounter more difficulties. Do you honestly feel like you relationship was a mistake? If that is the case, divorce seems to be the only valid option. However, if you merely think it wa a mistake to fall in love with someone vanilla, that is different. My husband is vanilla and in all other ways perfect for me. One of our very dear friends has become my Master, they know and trust each other and its all good. Did it happen over night? no. But it is fantastic now. I recommend honesty. If that leads to a unique relationship dynamic that fits you, great. If that leads to divorce, well, you aren't happy now anyway. Just my 2 cents.

(in reply to rubberpet)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:03:46 AM

Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline

Breastbonder...don't let the judgements fool you, there are many marrieds on these boards who are happily having relationships of all sorts. Consensual adults engage in complex relationships all the time. Just let people know you're married and want to stay that way...you'll find subs who are looking for just that.

(in reply to beltainefaerie)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:07:46 AM

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

You will find the sleaziest, most low down, unacceptable thing you can confess to on these boards is being married and having sex/relationship outside of it. All else is acceptable. This apparently never is. Just a tip.............luci

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(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:16:44 AM

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

You will find the sleaziest, most low down, unacceptable thing you can confess to on these boards is being married and having sex/relationship outside of it. All else is acceptable. This apparently never is. Just a tip.............luci

No, the most unacceptable thing a person can confess to on here is to say that they are married, looking outside the marriage, and their spouse does not know.

I did not even respond to the marriage part in whole; only to his statement that 'he is paying for it'

That to me is cowardice. To use the excuse that he's trapped and now has to 'pay for it'.... what a crock of shit

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to slaveluci)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:30:21 AM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man?

depending on the approached sub, any or all of the following:
a) titillated at the idea of a secret romance
b) unimpressed...NEXT!
c) sorry for your wife

quote:

Are married men seeking d/s relationships with others, possibly also married, that universally reviled, or have I just been extremely :) unlucky so far?

this slave believes the reviling isn't so much about the extra-marital relationship you seek, as much as it is about the LYING to your life-partner. some folks take issue with deceptions of that magnitude.

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:32:31 AM

Posts: 116
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline

What subrob said.

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"No bond is stronger than that of the Beast"

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:37:54 AM

Posts: 754
Status: offline

You are not paying for your choice, your wife is. She's the person who is (or will be) non-consentually hurt and lied to.
I do give you credit for being honest upfront about your marital status. That saves alot of time. But on the other hand most people wish to be treated with honesty and respect.... and of course they ask themselves that since you don't treat your wife (the person who's supposed to be your significant other) with those two very essential qualities, what gives that you'll treat them with those very basic things?

I'm a simple person. I truly believe that if you're not ready to commit completely to your spouse, you shouldn't be with them no matter how hard and messy divorces can get. Going behind your spouses back, hurting them, lying to them, degrading them in this way is never justifiable by you "not having your kink"

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:45:22 AM

SleepyParachute

Posts: 6
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

Probably any woman who has ever been cheated on (a lot of us out here) are the ones who will hate you the most. This surprises you?

(in reply to Viridana)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:47:51 AM

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Most women want to be of primary importance to their partners. They want the ability to call him late at night if they have to go sit by a parent's bedside in the hospital. They want to be able to spend an entire weekend with their partners, going antiqueing, to the movies, getting the oil changed in the car, etc.

Now, if you can find an equally unhappily married woman who also doesn't want to uproot her family at this time, you might then be able to do something; but only if you still are compatible. And there's a lot more to compatibility than just sniping about your spouse.

One point for you to ponder. By marrying this woman without having first telling her about your desire for BDSM, you lied to her, you robbed her of the chance to find a husband who would love her for who she is. She didn't lie to you, she was honest from the beginning. You aren't paying for this lie, she is.

I did not read any response here and disagree greatly but realy liked this response to give the underlying reason for a woman’s reaction to a married man or for that matter a reason for a married woman as well.

Goals and efforts in relationships must match up. Most people are not looking for casual no strings attached relationship. Most people know or have experienced the classic I am married but miserable line and know the issue is with that person and people do not want big issues from a start of a relationship.

Throw in that most people morally do not want to get cheated on so therefore do not want to be the other woman as well.

I put a line in a journal entry when I went looking. It basically said not interested if still married in the laws eyes. It may be a person like the OP or others may want something on the side, or cannot deal with being alone so they want to line up another before they get a divorce or the my spouse is better then nothing, but they are all issues that most others want nothing to do with because they almost always cause huge problems.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Celeste43)

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