SthrnCom4t
Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
quote:
OK, so it looks like I misjudged Otter. My apologies. Of course to be a devil's advocate, since he knows you are here also, couldn't he be saying things that you want to read? Wouldn't he get his ass tanned if he did anything else?
Can you explain in what fashion you went outside your marriage? It looks like things worked out for you, right?
First, no he wouldn't get his ass tanned. Part of his submission doesn't include agreeing with everything I do. I value his opinion and insight. I'm not perfect, and I don't expect others to be perfect. I do aspire to being the best I can be, and so that is my wish for those I am closest to as well.
Short summary re: going outside my marriage
The desire to taste power exchange was strong. I rationalized going outside my marriage, and did several times. I didn't find exactly what I was seeking, but did find enough to know I wanted more of it in my life. I also felt a strong sense of guilt, because my husband was a wonderful, devoted, and loving man.
In the end I just realized that the place in my life that I had created, was not the right one. (Had a great job, new house, etc). I am strong-willed, so tried to bend the circumstances to fit MY NEEDS. In doing so, I was discounting and betraying one who didn't deserve to be treated in such a fashion. Cheating is selfish and disrespectful. I takes away your significant other's right to choose. (Choose to be with you, or not - wanting to participate, or not, etc).
After 6 months, I made a decision, and after significant emotional trauma, we had an amicable separation. I had a lot of guilt, and so left him with everything we had worked for and built.
It was very painful on all levels, but in the end, I am living as who I want to live. Am I still behind from a financial perspective - probably. Am I WAY AHEAD from an emotional intelligence and personal evolution perspective - I think so.
You are not the only one who has found himself strolling down the path of life, only to find that your choices have led you to a place where some basic needs are not being met. Happens to more people than you think. A lot of time you didn't know you had that need. Other times it tickled you, but you didn't realize it was as important as you now realize it is. No matter what the subject, it's difficult when you find yourself out of sync with your significant other....sometimes by what feels like an entire ocean.
What you have to fall back on is your own integrity. Even if you know she's not into it, you can introduce it slowly. If you've tried and been rejected, that was her choice. If it's something you need at your core, you have some hard choices to make.
If you're willing to disregard her input, you're already too far into the 'me' place, and distanced from the 'we' place. You are no longer putting the relationship first. I understand that, and it's a big clue as to how strong within you the need is for - insert your need here-. The reality is that it's your responsibility to balance your needs, so that you can be a participant in whatever relationship you choose to be in. Your partner deserves your *presence* and any commitment you made. It's a contract and you can't unilaterally change the terms. If you do, you are breaking the contract, and you can rationalize that away anyway you like.
This is actually a great opportunity for you, if you have the inner strength to choose wisely. It could mean a lot of changes in your life and it could mean leaving some of the comforts you now enjoy.
Your needs are no less valid than hers. Likely, you need someone to hold the space (best is someone neutral like a counselor/therapist), where you can both communicate your needs in a respectful manner. Her need may be that she doesn't want to know, or hear about such things. It's your job to communicate to her how important this is, and show a willingness to be respectful of previous agreements, while pushing for change.
People change, and in order for a marriage to be successful, it needs to allow the participants to evolve. The agreement you made when you got married was between the people you were then. A successful marriage can survived re-negotiation, if partners are willing to compromise, be honest, own their needs, and respect their partners needs. No one is responsible for your fulfillment or happiness but you, however, only considering yourself while disrespecting your partner won't get you very far. The same can be said of her - she can choose not to participate, but if each of you is 'doing their own thing' that is just creating more distance, instead of creating a bond. If you go far enough down separate paths, the marriage is over anyway.
I've gotten very long-winded here, so to spare the group you are welcome to email me privately. I have more experience in this topic than I care to. Yes, I'm doing wonderful now, but the journey hasn't been easy. Like me, you probably think the advice people have been giving you doesn't apply for your situation. That their experiences couldn't possibly have had the consequences yours would. Eventually, you'll know differently. How long and how many times you repeat and find yourself in the same situation, is up to you.
_____________________________
Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim
'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.
|
RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread