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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 3:53:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: aravain
I completely understand the idea of not wanting a committed relationship with love or a 'communion of two souls' as the central focus, and this doesn't seem like it's completely out of the realm of possibility... but the intensity of what you're looking for will (usually) breed feelings of love, affection, and desire to connect on a different level. It's going to take a good, LONG time to find someone who wants the same thing as you, from the other side, and that's going to be true no matter how proactive you are about looking. It's also going to be much more unlikely to find someone who, despite themselves, won't come to form a deep emotional attachment. Let me know if any of this doesn't make sense... and please keep in mind that I'm not trying to be patronizing, by any means! :D This was just my thought process.

Thank you so very, very much for this post.

And actually, I think I should clarify something here - I'd be FINE with such a relationship growing into a "communion of souls". I'm objecting, primarily, to people who require that the "communion of souls" be offered first, in exchange for the right to even discuss the other things I want.

Does this make sense?

(in reply to aravain)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 3:55:38 PM

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It begins and ends with the fact that you're a self-defeatist.

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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 3:57:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

It begins and ends with the fact that you're a self-defeatist.

Is there anything more helpful you could add to that, please?

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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 4:00:10 PM

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quote:

*snip* I'm objecting, primarily, to people who require that the "communion of souls" be offered first, in exchange for the right to even discuss the other things I want.
*snip*

Maybe THEY feel the same way?

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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 4:01:27 PM

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What I tell people with this question is:

Don't lower your standards. Don't raise your standards.

Upgrade your standards.

By that I mean, move them around. Move the physical standards to the back, push the mental and emotional ones to the front. Instead of looking for a Hot, Sexy xxxx into kink, that also is intelligent. Look for a kinky, intelligent xxxx that is hot and sexy. Amazing how simply reversing this helps you find what you are looking for.

Basically, everyone bases their standards on the people you meet. If you don't know any multi-millionaires, you tend not to use multi-millionaire as your standard. If you don't know any "10s", you don't look for a ten.

So usually standards are not that far off of what people can get.

Instead, people usually focus on the things that are just plain stupid to focus on. Everyone has 'mental and emotional standards'. The mental ones are the hard ones to fix, the physical ones are easy to change.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 4:03:15 PM

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My first thought is not so much that your standards are unrealisitic but are you willing to look beyond them, look "outside the box" . Personal example here is that I had a criteria I knew exactly what I was looking for, he must be x and he has to have that, and must be betwen x and xy years old yadda yadda and my inbox was pretty much swamped and I met some interesting people, I played with some, chatted to others and still wasnt finding "the one". Then one day outta the blue message in my inbox from a Dom, way younger than I willing to consider, much to far away to be able to consider having a serious reationship or hell even play sessions and at the time I would say about 50% to 60% our kinks matched but so not someone I would have ever given a second glance to, but something in his message caught my attention and I replied...... fast forward 14 months he has moved 1400km across the country to be with me and we are both so blissfully happy. Let me also add that he never serched for girls outside his city (he lived in Sydney so there was really no need for him to look elswhere) but for whatever reason that day he did. Fate can be a funny thing but we both had to broaden our ideas to allow it to happen.

The other thing that strikes me is what you are offer, everything you offer is external, it is superficial and it is all things that a person can get elsewhere should they truly want it for example, I can go to a personal trainer is I want to look "awesome" and then I can go and get fabulous things designed to show off that awesomeness but to me thats not a kink and my thought is that while another person can motivate and drive, the true hard work there comes from within.

Most submissives I know want to feel valued not be a "punching bag" particuarly to a man who is giving them nothing in return I dont doubt their are some who would get off on that but I would have concerns about their self esteem and mental wellbeing. I can understand you having been hurt and not wanting to commit, that alone makes perfect sense, you obviously havent healed from past hurts, that is glaring obvious in what you post and that being said you cant expect a person to want to step into a trainwreck like that.

Everyone heals differently and all I can suggest to you is change your thinking, at the risk of sounding like an episode of Oprah..... positve attracts positive, quit with the neagtive self pitying bullshit, look for what is good in your life, it could be something really small and work outward from their, then do something nice for someone (selflessly not because you want something in return) and keep working forward that way. Stop looking at what you havent got and focus on what you HAVE got because while I dont know you I think I could safely guess you have a hell of a lot more than a lot of people.

Oh and I very much liked hopeless fools advice too.

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 4:03:48 PM

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From: Phx AZ
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If you ask for help but want only to have the help filtered to fit what you think is best your not open to help .Its like an alcoholic saying they quit drinking while having a beer in their hand , but its just beer ....Your help should come from someone who can get to know you as in a professional , one that you can tell your feeling to and open up to about everything , that also means no walls and finding that council that you can and shall trust .We only know "you" from what you display here and go from there with the typed info you provide .A simple thing to ask yourself would be , would you get involved with a female you ?how are others seeing you ?What changes could be made from this reflective thinking ?When you state you can make others better yet only the top percent , it sounds like your building robots not relations .Be open to the advice when you seek it , be willing to hear tough critics , changes for betterment is a good thing .I would suggest you get out and go buy the book and dvd ' the secret ' it may help .
best wishes .

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 4:05:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

It begins and ends with the fact that you're a self-defeatist.

Is there anything more helpful you could add to that, please?

Yes, take some of the advice that people are giving you. Stop having the negative answers for everything that is put on the table. Try a new approach, change your line of reasoning, I mean, if what you've been doing doesn't work, try something different. And stop stop stop thinking of yourself as someone who just can't win. No matter what people suggest, you are trying to come up with the reason why X or Y will never work for you. In reading your responses, it comes off like you honestly and truly don't want to find a solution, or a better way. I'm not inside your head, but that's how it looks from out here.

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(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 4:09:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

Thank you so very, very much for this post.

And actually, I think I should clarify something here - I'd be FINE with such a relationship growing into a "communion of souls". I'm objecting, primarily, to people who require that the "communion of souls" be offered first, in exchange for the right to even discuss the other things I want.

Does this make sense?

That makes perfect sense... actually, more sense than what I understood you to mean previously :)

Maybe a new journal post on top of the current one would be helpful? Currently I read it as saying that this wouldn't be an option for the partnership, ever.

It's a lot like me, actually. I don't want to go into a relationship with the idea 'this is a relationship. this is me trying to see if I can love you' or anything like that. I want to do the stuff I want to do with someone... and then realize that it IS a relationship, or that it's a really good friendship on a different level than most, or that it's not working out and we need to re-evaluate our interactions.

Throws a bit of a wrench in there when it comes to kinkiness... but that's easily fixable through some elbow grease :)

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 4:09:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassyBird
I just cant shake the feeling that if he keeps up his compromise he will not be happy in the end, and that if he gives up on this girl and decides to look for his ideal woman his wait will be so long and fruitless that he will not be happy in the end.

That's... pretty much how I feel about the situation, which is why I'm scrabbling at ideas. But I feel like this is just more diversion into feeling bad. Is there any way I can come at this from another angle, to get back to the 'practical advice' side of things?

I'm really sorry if I've made this thread go south.

I wish I could give you the advice I never can give him. I just dont have the cure for this particular ailment yet.

So in lack of a wonder cure, I would suggest that you summarize what you have written in this thread, about what you need and what you seek. Put it in your profile proper, and not in the journal. No one reads the journal at first glance.
Also, I would remove a lot in the interest search and keep the essencials if anything. Its too much information to take in with that much checked as interests, and I always get the idea its a shoppinglist limited to those items.

You dont need therapy or counceling. I have the feeling you're just reaching out because you are not getting anywhere at all and you cant see a new path to head down.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 4:10:45 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
What am I supposed to do? Show off my intelligence like a peacock's tail-feathers? Preen and pontificate to attract people that will find my brain sexy?

Lol No man. I just mean put a little more effort into telling people who you are.

I completely lost this post in the morass. Thank you. This makes much more sense, and I'm going to think about this for awhile and give it a try. I'd really appreciate a constructive critique once I'm done.

< Message edited by Ialdabaoth -- 9/21/2008 4:14:52 PM >

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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 6:04:38 PM

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Maybe its just that our birthdays are 2 days apart... but I kind of get how you look at each advice given and what could be seen as a negative response from you is really just your way of thinking what they said through... Maybe ts a Libra thing to automatically check any advice or argument by trying to see if holes can be poked in it...

Anyway.. Quite possible lowering your standards *really* means just being willing to meet people you didn't think fall into them and see what happens. Maybe they didn't line up to what you wanted on paper, but there is something about them that could make you see in another direction and you are closing yourself off by this list you are making of what you need.

Seriously- how often is what we really needed exactly what we expected?

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 8:14:24 PM

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Think of it not as "lowering your standards" but as expanding your own desires.

Think about what you like, are their related activities you haven't tried? Perhaps if you did, you'd like them too.

How common or rare are your interests? Honestly the more rare, the more uncommon, the smaller and smaller the pool of potentials.

How often is it necessary for you to do all those things on your list? Rank that list of kinks and skills and focus on the important ones first when sorting through potentials.

What are your limits? Never let those be crushed under but make sure they really are limits for you not merely something that doesn't get you hard.

What are your neutral reactions? What things do you know how to do and could do that aren't limits but aren't a turn on either? Guess what? We don't have a right to be hard or wet 24/7/365 -- that's reality. The world is full of things don't don't turn us on that we do for necessity or to please others. That will not change in a Ds or even Ms dynamic. (someone tells you differently they are selling you a fantasy)

The point is to not just think about you want and need but also what you can offer in return for getting what you want and need. I'll be the first to say that indeed there is an unfairness here in that I think the sub/slave will get less and give more in general but they must get their needs met and their wants met to some degree or they will walk eventually.

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(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 8:58:46 PM

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What I want to say is personal. There are some concerns you should have about you.. Can't say anymore.

slave eos

~To Thine Own Self Be True~

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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 10:57:11 PM

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Well, it sounds like you want a super flexible robot.

But I don't think lowering standards is going to work for you. Even if you really manage to find someone after that, you are going to find her unsatisfactory after a while. This is something only you can work out for yourself.

But have a little (more) patience. Perhaps you might find someone like that tomorrow. It won't help to get all frustrated about something you can't do anything about.

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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 11:03:35 PM

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Aren't you the guy that wants the tiny little female that can rest happily in positions a chinese contortionist practices for years?

I forget what else you had posted- it was a while ago- but it was definitly eyebrow raising.

You seem to have low self esteem, but you want the girl to be the solution. By having this tiny sexy fetish model who trots around in ballet boots at the grocery store, you think you will somehow be fulfilled.

Having a pretty girl around is going to do no more for your self esteem than having a nice car. It might put a bandaid on things for a while, but it's going to be crap in the long run.

Get your own issues straightened out before you bring someone else in. Besides, if you are all jacked up when you finally meet that 1 in a million girl, how long do you think it's going to last?

< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 9/21/2008 11:11:23 PM >

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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 11:07:35 PM

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i take back the 'whiney' but the rest of my advice stands.

i think you need to get some counselling, if only to assist you out of your rut. I have taken my own advice on this, and it does help to get a different perspective.

though what is helping me more at the present time, is putting myself in the hands of my mentor, telling him the areas i need to improve on, and accepting his punishment when i don't try hard enough on the goals i have selected for myself.

it is helping me get over the hump of knowing what i need to do, and then actually doing the changes i know i need.

< Message edited by scottishdove -- 9/21/2008 11:15:56 PM >

(in reply to zakkan)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 11:09:19 PM

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My Advice! Fuck lowering your standards. After nearly two years, I finally met somebody who lives up to my standards. So far everything has been great. Mind you like anything else in life, it could lead to disappointment. So far it has not.

I'm resolved to the fact if this does not pan out, I'm going to dust myself off and keep on looking again.

Stick to your guns. If you have to lower them, don't lower them to far. I have a reasonable set of standards with a little wiggle room anyways.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 11:20:02 PM

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quote:

Original:Ialdabaoth

I actually have some pretty stringent skill requirements in subs I'm looking for right now, but I'm more than willing to train those skills myself.

Primary among these are gymnastic/contortion skills. I need someone who can do a good backbend, needle, and eventually a triple-fold. I need someone that can go en pointe in ballet heeled boots for hours at a time. I need someone who can stay balanced and poised in ballet boots, an armbinder, a corset and a posture collar.

Well, I found this in one of my older posts. And a chinese contortionist definitely can't achieve this. I am not saying it can't be done

, but the chances of you meeting her...

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RE: "Just lower your standards" - 9/21/2008 11:30:36 PM

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Dissociate the prerequisites for finding a casual plaything and a full-on, long term ideal partner. The parameters you seek for the latter are likely to be incredibly rare and sheer luck may be the only thing capable of helping you. For the former, you'll be able to gauge what losses you can handle while still achieving at least partial fulfillment from an interaction...perhaps, with some luck, you can find multiple play partners who can satisfy individual wants.

Granted, that may not help with internal feelings of core non-fulfillment while you wait for the ideal (something which I can relate to), but even you have admitted it's not about getting back into a complete, mutually vulnerable relationship at the moment (due to recent events).

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(in reply to zakkan)

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