RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom?

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 9:56:58 AM

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

That's the thing, Lynn, so much of what he does is behind closed doors... My friends and I actually lied to him to keep him from just showing up to one of our parties---because THAT is how big a jerk he can be.

Hib... instead of lying, why has no one said, "You're not welcome at this party. If you're would like to discuss the reasons, I'm willing to sit down with you and discuss them, if not, that's okay too. But the bottom line is, you're not welcome."

Cali

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 10:02:00 AM

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

But black balling this guy cause you don't like his methods is doing something that in my opinion is worse than everything you said he was guilty of because it's you saying you know what is better for the community than the people who make up that community.

Steel

I wanted to quote the above part of your post because she actually specified that she wasn't trying to remove him from the community or blacklist him. She asked how she could help the guy see the err of his ways. What could she say to him, how could she handle it, approach it, etc.

I happen to agree with the first portion of your post that it's futile and not her place to worry about other adults, but she didn't say she wanted to remove him from the community. In fact she made it quite clear that she wasn't asking for advice on such a thing.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 10:23:38 AM

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

You handled that improperly. You should have called authorities. Or better yet, get him to stop hitting her without resorting to the same tactics as him . Its sad when what you mention happens but I dont think the rest of the women should be unprotected because you ar no longer willing to get involved. I hope if you saw something happen to me you woud step in and deem me worthy to save.

No Cell Phone, Girl is Screaming Bloody Murder, No Pay Phone in Sight. I did what I thought would stop the problem. For it I got Scratched and bitten but the woman who was scared I was going to hurt the man who a few minutes earlier was ramming his finger in her face and had her by the throat and balling his fist like he was hitting her. In the Police Report she addmitted that they were having an Argument but that he never touched her and that the only damage she sustained was from her falling down with I put the guy in a Headlock and Wrestled him to the ground and ramming my Forarm into his throat missing the first time and giving him a bloody nose with my elbow.

How about this one from last month. I Called the authorities on a Neighbor who likes to beat his wife and the police officer who came to find out what the matter was TOLD the guy that I had called them, Even though I did not give a name or my address. The guy came down and confronted me and my wife about calling the cops on him. He took a swing at me and again wrestled him to the ground his wife called the police and when they came and took he statement I started the fight and I got a trip to the police department and the police asked me to "Find another place to go for the night, so as not to cause any more aggrevation" The Manager got wind and evicted the couple in question and so he is no longer a problem.

When I have tried to talk to women about their abusive partners I am the bad guy for speaking ill of the person they love.

Seriously I am done playing Captain Save-A-Hoe, Just done. The reward has NEVER been worth the effort. NEVER!

Lushy, if you were in an abusive relationship (Which I want to believe you are too smart to ever let happen) I would tell you how I felt and if you choose to remain with that person then I would start to fade into the back ground. I won't stand around and WATCH you be abused, but once I have told you how I feel I will leave it to you as an adult to find the right path. If you were with someone in a Kink Club and you were having a problem if your eyes met mine and I saw that you were afraid I would ask "Lush are you okay, is it too much?" and then I would expect you to do the right thing. If you said "I'm Fine" then I did my part you didn't do yours.

If someone is Suffering from Cat Calls, Get a Thicker Skin, If you know my wife is Cheating on me, keep your fucking mouth shut as far as I am concerned, There may be a reason I don't know, like maybe I don't want to know. Anyone who cheats is a worthless excuse for a human being but just because they are worthless doesn't mean that the person they are with doesn't think the world of them and who am I to destroy that fantasy for them.

I have told friends after the fact that I knew and for how long and I explain to them that it wasn't my place to tell them and that if I was able to figure it out and they weren't then there was a bigger problem in the relationship than that. Some of them understand some of them it ends the friendship.

My Moral Compass tells me that getting involved in the drama is not worth the reward.

It is not MY job to protect anyone, even andi, she is a big girl and she makes her own decisions and she knows that I expect her to deal with them. She is my slave and as such I take a little more notice to the things that are bothering her, but if she starts something I expect her to be a big enough girl to take care of it.

Steel

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Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 10:32:17 AM

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

But black balling this guy cause you don't like his methods is doing something that in my opinion is worse than everything you said he was guilty of because it's you saying you know what is better for the community than the people who make up that community.

Steel

I wanted to quote the above part of your post because she actually specified that she wasn't trying to remove him from the community or blacklist him. She asked how she could help the guy see the err of his ways. What could she say to him, how could she handle it, approach it, etc.

I happen to agree with the first portion of your post that it's futile and not her place to worry about other adults, but she didn't say she wanted to remove him from the community. In fact she made it quite clear that she wasn't asking for advice on such a thing.

Agreed on that marie2,

However when she said this:

quote:

I am going to be speaking at the submissive women's munch about picking men... there are lots of newbs there, and they need the help. I've been preaching for years about standing up and speaking OUT, but evidently submission shorts out their ovaries or something? I am sad at the idea that he might be chasing some women from the scene entirely.

I am sure he is sucking them up from the internets. He types beautifully.

If she mentines him specifically or makes it obvious who she is talking to then Yes she is Black Balling and attempting to remove him from the Community.

If you Villify someone and create a situation in which people judge someone without knowing them based on the words of someone who is respected and revered in the community then you are attempting to Blacklist them. You are in effect issuing an Scarlet Letter.

Now LadyH never said that she was going to tell these girls to stay away from this guy specifically, I did kind of just take it there, however from what has been said it would seem that the desired effect is that all the new submissives be taught that this guy is a BAD guy and to stay away. If this was not the intent of the meeting I am sorry that I implied that it was but the point that it is wrong to do such a thing remains.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to marie2)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 10:42:50 AM

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Joined: 3/24/2009
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Calling the police to stop something in progress is not always the simple answer. But this story sounds something more like an attempt to show toughness than an actual relation of facts, still I agree that if this took place as described calling someone to please come help may not be the best response.

< Message edited by SavageryofSin -- 4/7/2009 10:47:12 AM >

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 10:47:19 AM

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Joined: 3/24/2009
Status: offline

Well to the original post if he is as bad as described the events being run can simply tell him he is not welcome. People have a right to enjoy themselve in a safe environment, especially when you talk about this scene. Much of it is built on trust, and most events are built on the ability to have a clean, functioning atmosphere. Telling someone they are not welcome because they cannot control themselves, or have shown the ability to be little more than an idiot, is not black listing them. It's personal preference, the same reason you order food with or without something.

He has formed his own reputation, the easiest way to help him is to, for lack of a better explanation, make him reap what he has sowed.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 11:40:30 AM

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Joined: 2/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

He can be very charming, has lovely eyes, and honest to "Bob", he is not evil, just a user. So... the seeds are sown. The old boys club has protected him all this time, so why stop now, right?

Are you sure you don't have a thing going for this guy?
Do you just hate men in general?
Would minding your own business be an option?

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 11:47:33 AM

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Anaquot

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

He can be very charming, has lovely eyes, and honest to "Bob", he is not evil, just a user. So... the seeds are sown. The old boys club has protected him all this time, so why stop now, right?

Are you sure you don't have a thing going for this guy?
Do you just hate men in general?
Would minding your own business be an option?

You have no idea what you are spewing. I dont appreciate you insulting a person you dont even know.

Do you hate Dominant women?

_____________________________

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Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
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Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Anaquot)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 12:26:40 PM

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

lusciouslips19,

When you have been arrested for Battery for taking a Man off the woman he is Beating and she starts hitting you and then both press charges then you can talk about "Not doing something"

I am done playing Captain Save-A-Hoe, If there IS a Problem and she is an adult then she needs to save herself. When Younger and I thought I could actually save the world I did put my nose where today I know it doesn't belong and I almost lost it for my effort.

If Something is WRONG in your community Talk to the Source and if they won't do anything to change then you are done with what you can do. If you want then get involved in your community and make it better by agreed standards, but just because YOU think something is unacceptable does not mean that those who are engageing in it do.

What you do is only my business if it affects me and mine. Know this however if something you do affects me, mine will be the first face you see.

Steel

You handled that improperly. You should have called authorities. Or better yet, get him to stop hitting her without resorting to the same tactics as him . Its sad when what you mention happens but I dont think the rest of the women should be unprotected because you ar no longer willing to get involved. I hope if you saw something happen to me you woud step in and deem me worthy to save.

Ya know you really shouldn't speak of things you know nothing about. lemme get this straight guys smacking his bitch .... I'm supposed to tap him "excuse me mister.... I know the girl prolly deserves it but would you please kindly stop" Ive seen that work countless times.

Matter of fact luscious next time you see it happening try that tactic and get back to me.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 12:30:59 PM

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
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No really? Punching a guy who is already worked up *DOESN'T* work?!

Well I'm just shocked.

Now look what you did Lucious... you got the manly men all worked up in a testosterone flavored pout.

< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 4/7/2009 12:32:14 PM >

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(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 12:53:17 PM

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

No really? Punching a guy who is already worked up *DOESN'T* work?!

Well I'm just shocked.

Now look what you did Lucious... you got the manly men all worked up in a testosterone flavored pout.

lemme think about this. I wonder why cops have guns...could it be naaaa...well letsee maybe... the reason cops have guns is cuz some ppl in a fit of rage dont respond well to talk therapy. You might have to actually beat the person to the ground and cuff em. cuz the "excuse me" line aint working

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Lynnxz)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 1:07:45 PM

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

What about offering a "chaperone" or a buddy type deal, for these functions? That way the chaperones can be "in charge" of introducing prospective new subs (regardless if they are male or female) to other members of the community.

Just a thought.

~BP~

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Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to DavanKael)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 1:14:45 PM

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I usually would ask the management and other reputible people about a Dominants reputation before playing with him in public. If I cant get info about people, why bother on playing in public? Its suppose to be safe. I am suppose to have people who can vouch for the Top.

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Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to blackpearl81)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 1:23:09 PM

Posts: 193
Joined: 9/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

No really? Punching a guy who is already worked up *DOESN'T* work?!

Well I'm just shocked.

Now look what you did Lucious... you got the manly men all worked up in a testosterone flavored pout.

Depends what you see as the desired outcome. In the situation described, if your goal is for the guy to stop what he's doing going in soft is absolutely not the right thing to do.

It's highly likely to lead to more extreme violence because he won't take you in the slightest bit seriously. At which point the only option left to you is to try and disable him completely.

And calling the authorities isn't an option in that situation unless you're lucky enough to see a policeman round the corner at that very moment. By the time they can there, more then enough time has passed for him to have seriously hurt her.

The best of a bad bunch of options is still the best option.

_____________________________

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To watch how the mighty go in a blaze of hubris
But I just stood there hypnotised by all the beautiful madness

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(in reply to Lynnxz)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 1:32:56 PM

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You may disagree with stepping in if you see another male beating a woman, hopefully the very least you'd do is contact the authorities, and I can understand your reticence but what has happened to people for inaction to even be an option?

When I was 21 years of age and waiting in line for a bus at Woolwich bus station in South East London, I saw a woman standing awkwardly in the queue looking very nervous, she had a small carry case with her. Just as I wondered why she was so nervous a man went running up to her and punched her with full force in the face as she screamed in terror. The impact knocked her to the ground and he proceeded to put the boot in while people moved away and looked at one another hoping someone would step in. Someone did step in. Me, all 5'3" of me and there were men over 6' tall looking for someone else to man up. The queues that day were long and people of various sizes, ages and mixed genders all stood by waiting for someone else to step in. It was sickening. I was holding my baby at the time, I shoved him into the arms of a bus inspector shouting at him to phone for the police and an ambulance, and to take care of my son until I returned. The guy putting the boot in was so intent on killing his woman that when I shoved him off expecting him to turn on me (I seriously thought that would be the end of me that day) it stunned him, enough for him to stop his attack and stand immobilised.

I would much rather take a chance and sleep easy at night than live with the guilt of enabling his attack by doing nothing at all. I'm far from being brave, I'm certainly not a hero, I've been called 'stupid' and 'reckless' for stepping in and once the initial shock/shaking stopped, I still had difficulty coming to terms of what occurred that day. I hope, should I ever find myself in a similar situation, that someone would not wait around for another person to act, and come to my aid. Given the way common decency is going down the shitter, it's pretty unlikely.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 1:56:03 PM

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Morggys my hero!

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Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 2:01:51 PM

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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Lots of good suggestions posted! Ya know every summer I pick my crew for my boat to see who will race with me. It's about 12 ppl not everyone can make it each week so it's quite a few ppl. Ya know some ppl just don't get invited back.

No drama no bull shit. And I sure they are crew who thought " I'm not sailing with that moron again". Pretty simple stuff.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 2:15:11 PM

Posts: 3225
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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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I could have sworn luscious that you said a few post back. That when steel stepped in to defend someone"he handled it improperly" and when morgan does it she a "hero", WhatTheFuckOver?

I have at times stepped in to help a stranger in danger however morgan did something I wouldn't have, put my baby directly in harms way.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 3:09:14 PM

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Joined: 4/1/2009
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~FR~

It's damn sad when a person has a legit concern over the activities of another and seeks advice and all that is given is double talk and being told there there it's not as it may seem. I really have to wonder at the overall mentality when we can not stand up and try to self police ourselves and our fellow kinksters in this loosely knit faction. Granted there are people who will do things in a manner which makes the observers uncomfortable, so what is wrong with expressing this transportability to others on the chance that this is a real concern? It's no different then being a bystander on a street and seeing a suspicious character stalking a victim or casing out a house to burglarize. I mean, don't we have a moral duty to express our fears in hopes that they can be resolved? I'd rather have my fears proved unfounded then not saying a damn thing and finding out later that these fears were accurate and I hadn't done a goddamn thing.

_____________________________

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Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?

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(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/7/2009 5:03:32 PM

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

I am not saying say NOTHING, I am Saying say the right things. Talking to other people behind someones back is not the right thing. Having a meeting of people and commiting what could very well be slander is not the right thing. Trying to talk someone into being more like what you consider acceptable is not the right thing.

When he hits a Kidney, Say "Hey Buddy, you could do some serious damage hitting her there"
When he leaves a girl crying in the Bathroom, say "Hey Pal, you got a girl in tears in the bathroom you wanna do something about that?
When you witness a girl who says she was raped, say "Hey girl, you need to go get some help, I'll drive you if you want.
When someone comes to a play party uninvited, say "Hey guy you know it's not okay to just show up you really need to be invited I think you should ask the Host if it's okay if you are here."
When someone is abuseing someone else, say "Hey I want to know if you are okay with how Xhe treats you, if not and you want some help I am willing but you gotta want it."

ALL of these are better than going to a group of people and saying "This Guy Equals Bad" especially if you don't have all the facts and had them checked twice by two seperate sources.

I don't know if LadyH has taken this personally, that is not what ANY of what I said was, I was simply stating what I didn't think was appropriate. As far as how I can help a Problem dom, Well if they are willing to listen and be taken under a wing I offer. If not then.... and I mean this literally... It isn't my problem.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to DarkFury)

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