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Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:11:47 PM

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Okay, guys, here's my story. We have a Problem Child in my town. He's been around forever. He preys on the new young girls because the ones who know him avoid him. His reputation is so bad that he is actually hurting business for certain events, because folks won't attend if he is there!

Naturally, this is all an "underground" reputation, because in the scene, if it's not prosecutable, it's just a bad date, right? He says all the right things in public, after all! Evidently, he is unteachable, or so I am told. As a female dominant, he has never ever done anything inappropriate to me, except demonstrate his utter lack of social skills. To other women, it's been everything from date rape, to telling one that he gave her herpes, to just playing so ineptly that we found his date sobbing in the ladies room.

What would you do? Anything? How would you approach this person and show him that he is not being one of the good guys? I know that you can't make an asshole change his stripes (or whatever) but what do you think? I am not a blacklister, and I am in no way suggesting that we do anything like that. I'd just like to see this guy's eyes opened.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:25:22 PM

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What does being a maledom have to do with it?

There's nothing wrong with calling someone out for being an idiot. I wouldn't do it in public, but someone needs to sit him down and inform him that being kinky is not an excuse for having godawful social skills. The people who run the events should have the hoohaas to inform him that if he doesn't pull it together, he won't be allowed back.

Don't make it a case of he said-she said... he'll just get defensive.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:27:21 PM

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That's the thing, Lynn, so much of what he does is behind closed doors... My friends and I actually lied to him to keep him from just showing up to one of our parties---because THAT is how big a jerk he can be.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:29:19 PM

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Eek eek.

You could always just bar him from events. It's not illegal, just awkward for a minute.

*Edit*

Why do these girls go with him if he's got such bad social skills?

< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 4/6/2009 5:31:12 PM >

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:33:05 PM

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Why do women ever go out with assholes?? He can be very charming, has lovely eyes, and honest to "Bob", he is not evil, just a user. So... the seeds are sown. And the women don't want to get the reputation of being BAD SUBS. The old boys club has protected him all this time, so why stop now, right?

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:37:26 PM

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It sounds also like he is the kind of guy who is always bringing some new girl he just met online, a girl who hasn't a clue, to parties?

If that is the case it sounds like what people (especially Dom/sub couples with only friendship in mind) should do is try and befriend the new girl(s) - rather than try and badmouth the bad guy. Show her good examples but never gossip about the jerk to her. A lot of girls who are new or gullible mistake assholes for Dominants and need to see what else is there. He might even, though I doubt it, start to get huffy that his girls always end up becoming better friends with everyone than he does.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:40:36 PM

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I am going to be speaking at the submissive women's munch about picking men... there are lots of newbs there, and they need the help. I've been preaching for years about standing up and speaking OUT, but evidently submission shorts out their ovaries or something? I am sad at the idea that he might be chasing some women from the scene entirely.

I am sure he is sucking them up from the internets. He types beautifully.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:45:10 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

evidently submission shorts out their ovaries

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:46:58 PM

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Like I said, keep focusing on these new girls. Allow him to go to events ONLY to befriend them but never let him know your motivation. Show them what "healthy and happy" submission is. Allow them to meet Dominants who have integrity and who will keep their eyes out for them. Keeping new girls and vulnerable girls safe is one of the top reasons to even have a public "lifestyle" in the first place, IMHO.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:50:02 PM

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LH, do you have personal, direct knowledge of things, or have you "just" noticed a pattern? That is, things people have told you over the years, etc.

I don't doubt you in the slightest, but your answer might affect my suggestion.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:52:46 PM

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If he never does anything evil, but just "uses" people...well...then it is up to the people to put up whatever barriers they need to to keep from being used.
Lots of guys who just want to have a good time are called users...and lots of ladies use them for their own pleasure...

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 5:58:24 PM

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You know, it's too bad the male community, whether Dom or sub, either cant or wont do something about this guy. What is that with guys? When us girls see a girl that is a total bitch or using others with no regard, we say something, and eventually, she stops doing whatever it is because, she has no one to talk to and no one to play with and her reputation is all over the place. Why cant they be called to stand up and say something to this guy? Think of it this way guys, he, single handedly is ruining YOUR good submissives............

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 6:25:51 PM

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**The Following will sound bad please read the whole post before getting pissy**

There are Jack Asses EVERYWHERE. I know that there are certain groups who think I am one. There are people who think that MY personal Method is unacceptable. There are people who think that unless there is a door man with a list then anyone is welcome.

I know MANY of the kinds of people who are annoying like the one you mention. However there is one kind of person who annoys me even more, and LadyH you are showing signs of starting to behave like that kind of person.

The Kind of person who has decided for everyone else what is right and what is wrong for them.

Now LadyH you know I don't see you that way, at least I hope you do because it is the truth. However when I see someone say that they want to educate the community about someone I see a MAJOR issue. Unless he has committed crimes that you know and witnessed then all he is guilty of is being a Douche, But your Douche is someone elses Dom of Dom's.

Repuatation isn't always deserved, I speak from experience. Sometimes the Undergroud "sub"way of networking subs can take someones bad experinece and amplify it to proportions that are far from realistic. Take one of these Bad Repuatations from one Community and take them to another and there will be 100 people standing up to defend the "Douche"

My Ppint here is all you can do is Ignore them, talk to those you know about them and when able confront them WHEN THEY ARE DOING IT. It is really easy to get rid of a Douche Dom, just insult his Ego and most of them will run off flipping thier cloak over their shoulder with their nose in the air. When a Dom is doing something Unsafe at a Play Party have a DM stop the scene and explain that until THAT DM feels that it is safe for That Douche Dom to play again that they will not be welcome to play at that particular play party again.

The Behind Closed Door thing bothers me, because all the info comes second hand and in a situation where the sub is already unhappy and when you put this together with people who don't like the Douche Dom all the sudden the subs poor choices become the Dom's falut.

Lets get something straight here. The sub agreed to play, the sub agreed to what they did, from what you say anyone taking the time to get to know this guy knows he is a Douche so it makes it obvious that the sub really didn't take the time to get to know them.

I do not doubt that this Dom is a Douche please understand this. I am sure he is everything you said he is and more, I bet he is evil and retarded and that is a DANGEROUS combination.

It isn't your job to Police the community. It isn't your job to "SAVE" anyone from this guy. Educate the community about BAD DECISIONS but not about WHO is a bad decision. That is Mean and depending on what you say about him could be slanderous.

Like I said Call him out. When he invites himself to play parties ask the host to ask who invited him if no one claims him send him packing. If someone did ask the DM to monitor his play when he gets out of line ask the DM if they feel his play should be curbed. If a girl ends up crying in the bathroom then go and ask him what the fuck is wrong with him that he isn't in there with her?

But black balling this guy cause you don't like his methods is doing something that in my opinion is worse than everything you said he was guilty of because it's you saying you know what is better for the community than the people who make up that community.

Steel

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 8:31:51 PM

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If someone has accused him of rape, why did she not press charges?
The whole herpes thing just makes me think homicidal thoughts.
The crying in the bathroom thing strikes me as indeterminate.
I'd either confront the guy, en masse, if possible or not get embroiled in the drama as if people are having legally actionable stuff happen to them and they aren't standing up (I mean, rape is rape, bdsm scenario or not, if there's no consent, there's no consent) there's little to be done.
What do you wish to do?
Davan

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 8:41:14 PM

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Man this sounds like the high school drama queen. This is all 3rd hand "what a bastard" he is bull shit. For all "we" know the girl could have given him HIV. Sounds like someone needs to grow up and mind their own biz. Read let ppl sort out their own drama.

BadOne

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 8:41:47 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hopeful68

You know, it's too bad the male community, whether Dom or sub, either cant or wont do something about this guy. What is that with guys? When us girls see a girl that is a total bitch or using others with no regard, we say something, and eventually, she stops doing whatever it is because, she has no one to talk to and no one to play with and her reputation is all over the place. Why cant they be called to stand up and say something to this guy? Think of it this way guys, he, single handedly is ruining YOUR good submissives............

Are you kidding? We males, being the natural opportunists we are, love it when one of us only makes the other look better. We'll gladly hand the idiots more rope until they hang themselves on it, but until then, indeed, in misery there is opportunity.

Note sardonic tone.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 8:51:06 PM

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Steel. Read my posts again, okay? I write clearly.

Red, this guy has been an asshole from day one, yes. The old-boy network is strong around here. As I said, he has done nothing directly to ME.   Though I have submissive female friends, I don't run in the same circles as the women he knows. The one woman he has really gotten obnoxious with in public DOES have what it takes to stand up for herself, and she has.   Evidently, there has been a lot going on behind closed doors, as I say. I also say that how do we know the difference between bad dom and bad date? I wasn't there for a great deal of what happened. I DO know that we have testimony of a dozen different women who have had similar bad experiences and have cut all ties with the man, and work hard to avoid him.   People do not tell me gossip, because they know it doesn't go anywhere. I see that someone hasn't been out and about for awhile, I ask her why, and she tells me. And tells me.

Is the person is question the only braying jackass in Detroit? Not by a long shot! Sadly, some of the loudest ones are also the most highly "respected" for whatever reason. I do think that the BDSM community judges men by a different standard than the rest of the universe. That's beside the point. It appears that the local men he appears to consider friends have done everything short of an intervention to get this character to straighten up, to no avail. At the last party, the man in question waylaid me as I was leaving to launch into a very upset rant about how I shouldn't believe all the stories, and I know he couldn't have done any of those things! I was floored---he actually NOTICED that I've been chilly toward him!    That he is aware that he is being talked about, and that his reputation is being questioned is what made me bring this up in the first place.

Honestly, I would love to just walk away from any and all problems to do with the scene at large, but I have been one of those folks who everyone knows and everyone respects for too long to just turn my back on him. I have friends who judge folks by how that person treats THEM personally, and they pay attention to nothing else.   I am not one of those people. I will not blacklist anyone, and in this free universe we all get to choose our friends. I am going to go back to what I have always done, educate WOMEN to protect themselves.   And, I would like to help this guy see what he is doing.

Any real suggestions?   I am finding it very interesting that the men aren't responding.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 9:21:12 PM

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Lady Hibiscus,

Considering your responses to me in the past, I don't know if I feel sorry for the poor dom or a community where people are so passive. Not only that, I don't quite understand your post, one one hand you say you have no direct knowledge, don't gossip, and yet know all about this person's so called missdeeds.

Frankly, there is someone in my community we are having trouble with and the worst is that he lies to people and cheats. AND we are considering banning him for that. Someone who was accused of using the date rape drug would have a serious issue to be dealt with as someone needs to leave the scene, either his accuser or him, depending on the evidence.

One person making accusations is one thing, lots of people? At some point, you just have to act. You are not putting someone to death here...it is okay to do so simply to serve as a lesson for others.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 9:22:55 PM

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It is pretty rare that I side with Steel in a discussion, but here I think he's got a point. This isn't pretty, but at this point, LadyH, you have so discredited your purported good intentions I don't see a way other that to call you out.

LadyH, you find it "interesting" the men aren't responding? In my case it was because I was watching you dig yourself deeper and deeper into the muck. Lets face it, you just DON'T LIKE THIS MAN. The more you write, the clearer it becomes. There's been no real accounting of the damage this guy has done -- he's an asshole (by your estimation), he's told someone he gave her herpes (which, if he actually did, is legally actionable both civilly and criminally) and he made a girl cry in the bathroom. In other words, you don't like him. Why not just say that, and be done with it. Why dress it up with your self-righteous claim to be doing something "for the community." Have the integrity to say "I don't like him and I want to remove him from my venues."

About that "community" -- Did someone in Detroit deputize you? Do you have a card that lets you pass judgment on kink? Detroit is a pretty big town. I have long standing B/D/S/M connections there and in Central Michigan. And you know what, they've never heard of you. That's right. No big. Your friends never have heard of me. My point is 'who made you the big bad D/s sheriff of the house'? Where did you get the sacred blessing to decide who plays nicely and who doesn't, and then attempt to force your judgement on others?

quote:

Honestly, I would love to just walk away from any and all problems to do with the scene at large, but I have been one of those folks who everyone knows and everyone respects for too long to just turn my back on him.

Honestly? then just do it. In fact, folks that "everyone knows and everyone respects" are the folks who live and let live. Meddlers, gossips and intolerant biddies, on the other hand, get involved in calling out people they don't like.

I think this guy might be a jerk. But you have obscured that issue by layering on your own issues. What you are doing is repeating gossip. In the old Testament, it was called "Loschen Hora" (the evil tongue) and it was punishable by flogging or stoning because it is SO insidious. It is horribly damaging to gossip, and frankly it demeans you. You admit you don't know what really went on, but you still wave the flag of "doing something". (By the way, what would make you happy? Castration? Public humiliation? His death? What POSSIBLE solution could you propose in light of how you have completely trashed this man?) What really gets me is this man has actually respected you enough to try to talk about the issues, and instead you make light of his attempts, and spew your venom all over this forum. How did that "solve" your problem?

The guy is, as I say, probably a jerk. But the course you are taking, and the way you are doing it, makes you worse. Consider the thread he is (justifiably) starting about you in some other universe.

E.

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"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? - 4/6/2009 9:28:07 PM

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My suggestions were real.
Davan

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-Me

Waiting is

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Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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