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Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:21:40 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
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Many of you have great insight. I have a friend who needs some insight and I really don't know what to tell her. Please share your ideas on what you think is going on...or, if you'd seen this happen before??? Thanks!!!

About 5 years ago, her husband stopped having sex with her. She discussed it with him often, trying to see what the problem was. Was he gay, asexual, or had he fallen out of love with her?

He finally said he didn’t like performing oral sex with her. He also said that he just couldn’t control himself and could not last for more than 2 minutes before he ejaculated so he just didn’t want to disappoint her. Yet, he never sought help for this.

She’d asked if he’d lost his desire for her and he said no. She asked him to go to sexual counseling with him and agreed but he never followed through. He promised to change and even bought books to help his drive. He never read them and they collect dust till this day. She began exploring BDSM as a solution to the issue and found out she was a submissive. He like the idea of dominance, but like everything else, he never followed through.

He always says to her, “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.” But, to this day, does not touch her. He tells her she’s lovely and sexy. He still does not engage her in sexual activity and after this amount of time, it’s apparent he won’t. Leaving at time point is out of the question (long story). He is not having an affair, he claims he’s not gay…he doesn’t like D/s….he doesn't like giving oral sex...what gives?

Anyone every heard of this situation before and what happenend?

< Message edited by irishbynature -- 6/20/2006 6:24:29 AM >

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:25:49 AM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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There are two options here:

1) He really just isn't interested in her sexually/orally and she can't accept that as the truth

2) There's a deeper relationship problem in communication/teamwork skills and its using lack of sexual compatibility as its shield

If she truly can't leave the relationship, she should go to counseling on her own. Her continued expectations for him to change (and let's face it, she's likely been nagging him and making him feel worse about it) are obviously not feasible and so the only thing she can do is to change herself. Learn to accept him as he is, learn to accept the relationship as it is. She has limited her choices down to this.

Course what she'll likely do is just have an affair.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:26:20 AM

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Joined: 11/3/2004
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The possible answers are legion. He has a deep seated insecurity obviously if we are to take this situation at face value. She can stick to her guns, make the appointment and see the counseling goes on. She can talk to him about finding need outside the relationship. She can move on to get her needs met. She can maintain the status quo.

Which one of these things does she have the wherewithal to do?

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:29:35 AM

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I am sure there is a Greek tradgedy about this it is such an old story.

How has she changed? Is she fatter than when she got married? Does she still take care of herself?

As for the relationship, she should look at his family life for clues. Overbearing mother? Shitty father? Does he work late every night at the office? Does he do lots of manly hobbies with other men? Does he work out and keep himself fit or has he let himself go?

If you are looking for permission for her to cheat, good luck on that.

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:41:45 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

if she truly can't leave the relationship, she should go to counseling on her own. Her continued expectations for him to change (and let's face it, she's likely been nagging him and making him feel worse about it)

She went to therapy for a year. Doc said it would eventually lead her to anger. But, the Doc said he really needed the spouse to attend to find out more. He never went.

quote:

How has she changed? Is she fatter than when she got married? Does she still take care of herself?

She is lovely. She models part time. Trust me. Many men would jump at the chance.

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to CrappyDom)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:45:52 AM

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: irishbynature

Many of you have great insight. I have a friend who needs some insight and I really don't know what to tell her. Please share your ideas on what you think is going on...or, if you'd seen this happen before??? Thanks!!!

About 5 years ago, her husband stopped having sex with her. She discussed it with him often, trying to see what the problem was. Was he gay, asexual, or had he fallen out of love with her?

He finally said he didn’t like performing oral sex with her. He also said that he just couldn’t control himself and could not last for more than 2 minutes before he ejaculated so he just didn’t want to disappoint her. Yet, he never sought help for this.

She’d asked if he’d lost his desire for her and he said no. She asked him to go to sexual counseling with him and agreed but he never followed through. He promised to change and even bought books to help his drive. He never read them and they collect dust till this day. She began exploring BDSM as a solution to the issue and found out she was a submissive. He like the idea of dominance, but like everything else, he never followed through.

He always says to her, “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.” But, to this day, does not touch her. He tells her she’s lovely and sexy. He still does not engage her in sexual activity and after this amount of time, it’s apparent he won’t. Leaving at time point is out of the question (long story). He is not having an affair, he claims he’s not gay…he doesn’t like D/s….he doesn't like giving oral sex...what gives?

Anyone every heard of this situation before and what happenend?

I was in this exact situation only he had an impotency problem that he refused to talk about or get treatment for. Also talking about sex was taboo with him as was many things. I lived with it for many years and I finally said Life is too short to live unhappy, so I moved on.
Your friend is going to have to make a choice, if she wants to stay in the marriage then perhaps they can work it out where she can have a lover/BDSM partner or if he refuses I would say its time to cut the string and move on.

~Lashra

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:50:56 AM

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"He doesn't follow through..." I would venture to say that they were married only a short time when he lost interest---the pattern is very clear--- things in life to him are ideas---and most of the time--good ideas---but he lacks the initiative to do the work that must happen once the idea has been adopted--"he doesn't follow through".. I bet if you look around you can see unfinished house projects, incompleted college, a few more "left" jobs then normal and a set of parents who allowed that behavior to exist---he's just basically written that off in his mind and though hs may say he is sorry he has hurt her it is of no more issue to him than blowing his nose.

And this is the LAST person who should be a Dominant.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:51:09 AM

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Joined: 5/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

She can talk to him about finding need outside the relationship. She can move on to get her needs met.

She asked him for an Open Marriage. He refused. See, this is a hard question, huh? LOL I have no idea what to tell her anymore.

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to mnottertail)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:52:51 AM

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

"He doesn't follow through..." I would venture to say that they were married only a short time when he lost interest---the pattern is very clear--- things in life to him are ideas---and most of the time--good ideas---but he lacks the initiative to do the work that must happen once the idea has been adopted--"he doesn't follow through".. I bet if you look around you can see unfinished house projects, incompleted college, a few more "left" jobs then normal and a set of parents who allowed that behavior to exist---he's just basically written that off in his mind and though hs may say he is sorry he has hurt her it is of no more issue to him than blowing his nose.

And this is the LAST person who should be a Dominant.

Wow. Hit that nail on the head...you sure you don't know her husband? LOL

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to MHOO314)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:52:52 AM

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Joined: 11/3/2004
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Well, If she set up the appointment and pushed him to go? Many a Kingdom is started by the hard work of slaves.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:54:58 AM

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Joined: 5/11/2006
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mnottertail: She begged him to go years ago. She got sick of begging. It did nothing but make the situation worse.

The question is: What do you think his problem really is?

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to mnottertail)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:55:18 AM

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Joined: 5/29/2006
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Great replies - Its his fault, her fault ... sheezzzz .. ya have to wonder about the age and maturity behind some of these responses.

It is very simple. Relationships work when both put in an effort. It is never the fairy tale of "they lived happily ever after" unless both work on it. Sex life is the first to suffer when the effort is no longer being made.

Of course, one partner sees this before the other, its rarely a simultaneous insight. The one that does see it needs to go back and find the communication skills they had when it was working. The alternative is to go to a counsellor and then feel 'happy' that they did everything possible and it still didn't work. Its a great way to give justification for giving up.

Brosco

_____________________________

Any Dom that believes he is in complete control ... has a very clever subbie.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:55:48 AM

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Joined: 6/15/2006
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This sounds like a difficult situation. I had a similar situation with my dominant. There was no sex for two years!! He is now taking Viagra. We are not together but good luck to him.

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 6:56:18 AM

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Joined: 4/12/2006
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Some people are asexual (more than are gay) and there are associations you can join if you want to embrace it (not my thing...). He should see his GP. Also if he comes too soon presumably that's just first time so he can deal with that first and then have a second go, surely?

(in reply to mnottertail)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 7:01:15 AM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: irishbynature
The question is: What do you think his problem really is?

Gee Im gonna go out on a limb here and say that his problem REALLY is what he's always been SAYING it is. And it's not a problem except for the fact that she's not getting what she wants.

One could always say that if she's "really submissive" she'll accept what he chooses for her gracefully and be happy she can serve him in the ways he does allow for. But that's not what she wants- she wants rough hard kinky sex.

Even if it's not true, it's all she's going to get so accept it already. She's made her choice, now live it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 7:03:41 AM

Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

Was there a gradual loss of interest or was it sudden? If sudden it might be a medical problem.

Gradual loss could mean many things. From the simple and sad losing interest to maybe he just does not like sex and was acting the years before. How did he grow up? Was his family zealot religious? Was he verbally abused as a child that manifests into low self esteem in bed? Too many potential reasons.

I am sorry if this is mean spirited, but the person will only get help if he wants help. He is only slightly better than some type of addict. To me regardless of the reason, sounds like the couple have more problems than just sexual and some people just cannot be fixed no matter how much the other one loves them.

_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to Brosco)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 7:07:14 AM

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: irishbynature

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

"He doesn't follow through..." I would venture to say that they were married only a short time when he lost interest---the pattern is very clear--- things in life to him are ideas---and most of the time--good ideas---but he lacks the initiative to do the work that must happen once the idea has been adopted--"he doesn't follow through".. I bet if you look around you can see unfinished house projects, incompleted college, a few more "left" jobs then normal and a set of parents who allowed that behavior to exist---he's just basically written that off in his mind and though hs may say he is sorry he has hurt her it is of no more issue to him than blowing his nose.

And this is the LAST person who should be a Dominant.

Wow. Hit that nail on the head...you sure you don't know her husband? LOL

Been there, done that and did NOT buy the t-shirt. She needs to face three things: (1) Its his pattern--it will not change (2) She wants more out of the relationship (3) She accepts the scenario or she makes some radical changes.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 7:09:21 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: irishbynature

Many of you have great insight. I have a friend who needs some insight and I really don't know what to tell her. Please share your ideas on what you think is going on...or, if you'd seen this happen before??? Thanks!!!

About 5 years ago, her husband stopped having sex with her. She discussed it with him often, trying to see what the problem was. Was he gay, asexual, or had he fallen out of love with her?

He finally said he didn’t like performing oral sex with her. He also said that he just couldn’t control himself and could not last for more than 2 minutes before he ejaculated so he just didn’t want to disappoint her. Yet, he never sought help for this.

She’d asked if he’d lost his desire for her and he said no. She asked him to go to sexual counseling with him and agreed but he never followed through. He promised to change and even bought books to help his drive. He never read them and they collect dust till this day. She began exploring BDSM as a solution to the issue and found out she was a submissive. He like the idea of dominance, but like everything else, he never followed through.

He always says to her, “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.” But, to this day, does not touch her. He tells her she’s lovely and sexy. He still does not engage her in sexual activity and after this amount of time, it’s apparent he won’t. Leaving at time point is out of the question (long story). He is not having an affair, he claims he’s not gay…he doesn’t like D/s….he doesn't like giving oral sex...what gives?

Anyone every heard of this situation before and what happenend?

As you noted yourself in a further post, it is a difficult question to answer and I am not sure my answer would apply since men and women, despite protests to the contrary, are different creatures. I've been in this situation from the other side. It was the 'reason' I used initially to validate my cheating. Before we'd destroyed our marriage completely, I'd realized the invalidity of my reasoning but I'd also realized I could not/did not want to change my sexual drive or my desires. She unfortunately did not realize her shared responsibility for the problems within our marriage and would not get counseling. Since the end of our marriage, she has gotten some; however she always puts her fault in this manner "Yes, I should have done more about my lack of sexual desire BUT..." You know what "but" means there.

I note all the above to note that your friend may well have a very difficult choice to make and feel that she cannot leave the marriage right now. Without that information though, it is difficult to say that "Well, she should just leave". That is what I think though...she has undergone counseling, she has tried to "move the mountain" by buying him books and trying to push him into counseling, she has tried to change herself to suit him. At a certain point, you have to realize you have done your all and decide whether or not you accept things as they are or to move on, no matter the difficulty in doing so.

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 7:14:11 AM

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Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

He's in denial. His life Works, her's doesnt. ... and that's a T shirt I've got ...
He wont wake up till something shakes his world. She wont speak up or beg
cause it's fallen on deaf ears for so long she feels invisible I would guess.
At some point she's gonna have to draw a line and make a choice.
Its a tough move that might put her through hell if she see's her submission
as including the sexual. My only question is if she is submissive in the relationship also or is it simply sexual?

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to irishbynature)

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/20/2006 7:17:56 AM

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Rather the point.

The time has come, the walrus said, to speak of many things, of ships; and strings; and sealing wax...........

It is force the issue depending upon wherewithal, or status quo.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Quivver)

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