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Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/22/2013 7:59:09 PM

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When you observe a dominant being condescending to another person (online, as an example, on a message board here if someone asks a dumb question), do you consider that an attractive trait? Do you admire their take charge attitude?

Even if the person asked an obviously ignorant question or behaves badly, when a dominant responds by being condescending, does that make them appear more "dominant" in the way they handle the situation - versus being patient or polite? If someone is handled in an overly nice situation, does that make the dominant appear weak?

What if it was in a situation where a dominant was being treated incompetently by waitstaff or technical people, for example. Is a condescending approach considered appropriate?

Submissives, when you observe a dominant treating a submissive (who is not their submissive partner) in a neutral situation with a clearly condescending attitude in front of other people, does that make you respect them more or less and why? If a non dominant woman treated a person in a condescending way, do you cut them less slack?

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/22/2013 8:33:12 PM

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quote:

When you observe a dominant being condescending to another person (online, as an example, on a message board here if someone asks a dumb question), do you consider that an attractive trait? Do you admire their take charge attitude?

I don't see it as either. I just see it as funny sometimes, and other times just plain old rude. It depends on who it is targeted towards, the situation and why.

quote:

Even if the person asked an obviously ignorant question or behaves badly, when a dominant responds by being condescending, does that make them appear more "dominant" in the way they handle the situation - versus being patient or polite? If someone is handled in an overly nice situation, does that make the dominant appear weak?

None of the above. See my statement above.

quote:

What if it was in a situation where a dominant was being treated incompetently by waitstaff or technical people, for example. Is a condescending approach considered appropriate?

Possibly. Again, depends on the situation and the people involved. Being condescending might be appropriate or it might not be.

quote:

Submissives, when you observe a dominant treating a submissive (who is not their submissive partner) in a neutral situation with a clearly condescending attitude in front of other people, does that make you respect them more or less and why? If a non dominant woman treated a person in a condescending way, do you cut them less slack?

Again, see above. Does the submissive deserve the condescension? No way to tell until you're in that situation.

Time and place, time and place.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/22/2013 8:52:54 PM

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Bad manners are bad manners, no matter who or what you are.

That said, there are just as many rude subs as rude doms. If you doubt me look over the sub profiles on collarme.com - some of them are quite rude.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/22/2013 10:15:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

When you observe a dominant being condescending to another person (online, as an example, on a message board here if someone asks a dumb question), do you consider that an attractive trait? Do you admire their take charge attitude?

IMO, being rude and condescending is not a dominant trait. In fact, it's the opposite.

Condescension is often a sign of insecurity. Nothing dominant about that. It can also be a sign of bad manners. Again, nothing dominant about that.

I believe that one trait of truly dominant people is an ability to control themselves. And being rude and condescending demonstrates a lack of self control. How can you control others if you can't control yourself?

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/22/2013 10:43:39 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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When a dominant - or anyone for that matter - is being condescending to another person, I consider it rude and bad manners rather than attractive. Rather than appearing as take charge, it makes them look like they can't control their bad attitude. If a person can't control him- or herself, s/he has no business trying to control someone else. Plus, if you have to treat others like shit in order to feel better about yourself, you've got bigger problems than bad manners.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/22/2013 10:55:32 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

When a dominant - or anyone for that matter - is being condescending to another person, I consider it rude and bad manners rather than attractive. Rather than appearing as take charge, it makes them look like they can't control their bad attitude. If a person can't control him- or herself, s/he has no business trying to control someone else. Plus, if you have to treat others like shit in order to feel better about yourself, you've got bigger problems than bad manners.

NBMG

Well said, where's my like button?

Being condescending just makes you look like a huge insecure jerk. I refuse to tolerate it from anyone socially.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/22/2013 11:39:58 PM

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I agree with the posts above me. If you can't control your own attitude, that's not a sign of dominance, that just makes you look insecure to me. Bad manners don't impress me. I'd be much more impressed by someone who delicately handles a situation to resolution, who teaches the online idiot a valuable lesson, who doesn't throw a tantrum and demand to speak to a manager.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/22/2013 11:57:02 PM

Aswad

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Would be interesting to see an example.

As littlewonder points out, context is everything.

Condescension can be intentional or unintentional, too, which bears mentioning, if only because I'm aware that I have a shortcoming in this department myself, in that I sometimes come across as condescending when I absolutely don't mean to. That appears to be something some people find tolerable, while others don't, and it seems to be appreciated that I try to apologize properly when I've behaved poorly. Can't say as I've ever differentiated between subs and doms, though, at least not in the doms' favor.

Artie has been on the receiving end of a lot of condescension from several posters, and I don't see a rush of people out to condemn it.

So, yeah, context would put more meat on these bones.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 12:36:40 AM

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Often, the term condescending is very much used by those who don't deal well with strong personalities. Some people are more 'shoot from the hip' types, rather than being concerned if they are found "attractive" in what they have to say. There's a really good thread around here somewhere about why the term "bitch" is applied to women when other people aren't pleased with their behavior. (In fact, it was based on Me not kissing somebody's ass on another thread.) I think we're actually long past women having to say the 'right' thing to make other people happy or acting (and the word really is "acting") the way they want us to when it comes to dumbing down our intelligence or our abilities. How is tailoring oneself to only putting out there what the other person wants a Dominant trait?

I don't think a person's relationship role, label, or personality type should have anything to do with the way people respond on these boards. I don't think gender should either. It's said repeatedly in the Introductions section here. The folks on the boards are all considered equals and people interact with each other as just people. The, "oh, a Dominant should do this" and "a submissive should reply like that" really doesn't go over all that well.

It was either Ann Landers or Dear Abby that used to have the advice in their column about watching how people treat waitstaff. It's definitely true. I don't think you can compare that to the boards though. I can honestly say I've never gone into a restaurant and have the person waiting on the table say they didn't have a clue of what they were supposed to do or ask for instructions on how to carry out their duties for the job. Of course, the other part of that is never piss off the person who has the ability and opportunity to f*ck with your food.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 1:12:36 AM

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I find it rude and not attractive at all. It's very negative and I don't like being around people who display this type of attitude.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 1:36:27 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Often, the term condescending is very much used by those who don't deal well with strong personalities. Some people are more 'shoot from the hip' types, rather than being concerned if they are found "attractive" in what they have to say.

I have met some people who are genuinely condescending, who know they're being that way, not anyone on this site. A specific person comes to mind who outright told me she thought she was better than x, y, and z people. At least when I'm criticizing condescending attitudes that's what comes to mind. She had a strong personality. She was also racist, ageist, sexist, and homophobic, and saying "oh she just has a strong personality" was absolutely no excuse for how she treated anyone who didn't fit her specific qualifications to be treated as a human being. It was ultimately treated as workplace bullying. While she wasn't out as kinky the way she talked about her husband, she ran the relationship and called all the shots, the sort of person I would consider very dominant, and meeting him, he was very submissive. Some types of negative attitudes shouldn't be dealt well with, though I'd like to stress that's something I haven't really run into here, as of yet.

There's a difference between shoot from the hip don't care what ya think criticism and someone who truly thinks they're superior to the person they're dealing with and doesn't hide it one bit. Whether it's a dominant doing it or someone who's vanilla but alpha, I find it reeks of insecurity. Not giving a shit and an actual superiority complex feel slightly different. I would assume that not giving a shit is a fairly common dominant trait. But I'm also under the understanding that people with strong personalities who exist on the same planet as me without being ostracized for an utter lack of empathy are still entirely capable of being polite and rationalizing when and where they should reel things in.

As has already been said, there's something to be said for treating the person handling your food like a human being.

I have seen very little behavior that's really truly superiority complex driven here. Constructive criticism? Totally different ballpark. For the most part I've found it to be a relatively relaxed site and I've never thought any less of the neighborhood doms and dommes for humoring newbie questions.

Maybe I'm just missing out on all the real drama?

< Message edited by Dreamless -- 4/23/2013 1:39:02 AM >

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 1:53:18 AM

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I always find that there is a difference between a Master/Dominant/Mistress being condescending, and being genuinely dominant. I do not consider a condescending attitude to be a quality of being dominant; patronizing superiority is not appealing, even more so when it is a first conversation or message. Looking down on someone for a reason, self-perceived or otherwise, fair enough, that is up to the individual. But being condescending to everyone? It's not a trait to be proud of. There is a difference between addressing a submissive and looking down on them as a person.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 3:42:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad
Artie has been on the receiving end of a lot of condescension from several posters, and I don't see a rush of people out to condemn it.

I see little on that subject worthy of comment or respect.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 4/23/2013 3:57:44 AM >

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 4:12:19 AM

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I alwsy think of the British comedy "Keeping Up Appearences" when i think of condenscension - the main character is trying to be someone she is not - and fool everyone else. Its very amusing to watch, because her basic insecurity shows through.

On the other hand , there are posters on CM who ask such ... clueless questions, a bit of condescension is probably a lot kinder than many responses.

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 4/23/2013 4:14:09 AM >

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 4:12:21 AM

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I think condescension is a judgement call and I'd like to tackle this coming from an angle that (I think) a couple of people have mentioned; the idea that condescension comes from a position of someone feeling that they're better than others.

I think it stands to reason that some people are better than others. I know I'm a better person than the pieces of shit that planted bombs in Boston, last week. I know I'm a better person than a bigamist. I know I'm a better person than a misogynist.

Now, not everyone is going to agree with those statements. That's fine. Again, that's a judgement call.

Now, let me get into the meat of the question. Dominants have a tendency (I think) to be more confident than submissives; not always but, on the whole. Confidence can certainly be perceived (by some) as arrogance. I believe that if we think someone is arrogant, when we inter-act with them, we may think that they are being condescending toward us.

That was a bit long-winded but, I think it really depends upon perception. Plenty of people find me to be condescending. Plenty find me to be justified in how I treat some of the people with whom I inter-act.

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Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 4/23/2013 4:13:02 AM >

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 4:38:40 AM

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For me, littlewonder and NBMG have said it well. There are times when I can see why it is used here on the forums and at other times it just seems rude. For me personally, if someone becomes condescending with me.......I simple just walk away.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 4:49:39 AM

egern

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
When you observe a dominant being condescending to another person (online, as an example, on a message board here if someone asks a dumb question), do you consider that an attractive trait? Do you admire their take charge attitude?

For quite a few persons you do not have to ask a dumb question to get a condescending or rude answer..
Even if it is dumb (in the opinion of a specific reader) it does not call for a bad answer, IMO.
I do not seeing it as 'taking charge'. Of what?

It only shows that 'domship' have gone to their heads. It happens.

quote:

Even if the person asked an obviously ignorant question or behaves badly, when a dominant responds by being condescending, does that make them appear more "dominant" in the way they handle the situation - versus being patient or polite? If someone is handled in an overly nice situation, does that make the dominant appear weak?

This is a flat medium, and the way people answer other people is easy to misunderstand, both because we are all different but additionally we come from different cultures.

That said, I do not see how a dominant should answer in any special way because of being dominant, and it is my impression that most people do not actually do so, although there are always some.

quote:

What if it was in a situation where a dominant was being treated incompetently by waitstaff or technical people, for example. Is a condescending approach considered appropriate?

A condescending approach is never appropriate.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 5:04:19 AM

egern

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Often, the term condescending is very much used by those who don't deal well with strong personalities.

As dreamless points out, having a strong personality is not an excuse for bad behavior. I think the OP is talking about people who are intentionally rude or condescending, which is different from simply being who you are, not acting.

While I won't say you can never mix them up, I also agree that mostly you can tell the difference.

quote:

Some people are more 'shoot from the hip' types, rather than being concerned if they are found "attractive" in what they have to say.

That could be types who are rude because they do not care, or types who are just very direct. Again, there are diferences.

quote:

There's a really good thread around here somewhere about why the term "bitch" is applied to women when other people aren't pleased with their behavior.

To men as well. Bad habit, in either case, just as there are so many bad names for women when they are sexually active, but few for men. Bad habit. It will pass out of language eventually, I am sure.

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 5:18:55 AM

egern

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dreamless
I have seen very little behavior that's really truly superiority complex driven here. Constructive criticism? Totally different ballpark. For the most part I've found it to be a relatively relaxed site and I've never thought any less of the neighborhood doms and dommes for humoring newbie questions.

Maybe I'm just missing out on all the real drama?

I have! But I am unsure of how to deal with that in this connection, because targeting specific people also seems wrong.

< Message edited by egern -- 4/23/2013 5:36:22 AM >

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RE: Dominants being condescending - personality trait? - 4/23/2013 5:22:31 AM

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It's not attractive at all to me and any person can be condescending whether dominant or submissive.
I don't consider it a personality trait, but some may do it more because of their personality. Or mood.
To me, an attractive quality of a dominant person is the ability to maintain a calm patience no matter the situation. That, to me, shows control. It also intimidates me much more. If someone shows any anger or is condescending, I'll probably push back.

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