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RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 5:40:04 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

I dont think it has anything to do with "seemingly" stupid questions. She presented a problem. She comes across as a "do me" sub. If, at 38, you expect a relationship to be happy all the time, you need a reality check. Relationships are hard work, lots of give and take. "Choose your battles wisely" and "Gird your loins".

When you present a problem,being vague and expecting advice never works. If you arent happy, you have two choices. Change what makes you happy, or change the relationship.

Yea, this is very blunt, harsh reality check for her. Not the mollycoddling type of advice. Tough love, depending on the personality of the newbie involve, they can either be appreciative and not take offense or feel judged.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 5:49:51 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

I dont think it has anything to do with "seemingly" stupid questions. She presented a problem. She comes across as a "do me" sub. If, at 38, you expect a relationship to be happy all the time, you need a reality check. Relationships are hard work, lots of give and take. "Choose your battles wisely" and "Gird your loins".

When you present a problem,being vague and expecting advice never works. If you arent happy, you have two choices. Change what makes you happy, or change the relationship.

Yea, this is very blunt, harsh reality check for her. Not the mollycoddling type of advice. Tough love, depending on the personality of the newbie involve, they can either be appreciative and not take offense or feel judged.


Life is harsh and blunt. my girl friends know better than to ask me for advice unless they want the blunt honesty.

What information was needed to make a definitive decision on which advice to give was purposely missing... the exact cause of her unhappiness. is she upset and not happy because he denies her the right to do something? or is it because she set a hard limit and he violates that limit now repeatedly? We only have her word than a violation took place to begin with. No basis for the violation and none will be coming, it seems. So its extremely hard to take her seriously.

If you arent happy... two options.. as were given earlier.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to SirLogansSub)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 8:28:51 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14413
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

Life is harsh and blunt. my girl friends know better than to ask me for advice unless they want the blunt honesty.


I'm the same way. It's one of the reasons I didn't continue as a relationship counselor. (Because saying, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" isn't the response that people want from their counselor)

I've been in WIITWD we do for 20 years. I've watched a thousand newbies ignore common sense because they're too wrapped up in their fantasies. Blunt gets through. Patting them on the head gets stuck in the cotton.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 9:27:27 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I'm the same way. It's one of the reasons I didn't continue as a relationship counselor. (Because saying, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" isn't the response that people want from their counselor)

I'm just curious though, I am sure there are specific training one has to go through before being a counselor, and whatever is taught is suppose to be the "official" guide of how to help people, isn't the concluded way to deal with counseling people, involve simply not judging and being supportive, making the person feel that they are in a safe environment, and it's all about helping them form their own conclusions, help them reach more clarity?


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 9:52:51 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14413
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I'm the same way. It's one of the reasons I didn't continue as a relationship counselor. (Because saying, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" isn't the response that people want from their counselor)

I'm just curious though, I am sure there are specific training one has to go through before being a counselor
I have a degree in psychology specializing in relationship and family counseling.

quote:

whatever is taught is suppose to be the "official" guide of how to help people, isn't the concluded way to deal with counseling people, involve simply not judging and being supportive, making the person feel that they are in a safe environment, and it's all about helping them form their own conclusions, help them reach more clarity?
Exactly. Which is why I don't do it. It sucks the life out of me to have to behave in a manner that I feel is not honest on a daily basis...and showing support and being non-judgemental with some of the things that gets presented to a therapist definitely made me feel less than honest.





_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 11:03:09 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

LL... lol.. funny, I thought of our recent disagreement when I posted that. I will bring the smores if you bring the guitar and we can sit by the camp fire and sing "kumbaya" until our next disagreement starts....


Do you play guitar? Because I don't. I sing, but if I tried to play the guitar, all the woodland creatures might attack in protest!

But the smores sound yummy.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 106
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 11:12:59 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

Life is harsh and blunt. my girl friends know better than to ask me for advice unless they want the blunt honesty.


I'm the same way. It's one of the reasons I didn't continue as a relationship counselor. (Because saying, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" isn't the response that people want from their counselor)

I've been in WIITWD we do for 20 years. I've watched a thousand newbies ignore common sense because they're too wrapped up in their fantasies. Blunt gets through. Patting them on the head gets stuck in the cotton.



And yet, saying, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" is often exactly what they need. For exactly the reason I bolded. But I can see how it might not help you make a living, lol.

But it did work out fairly well for Dr. Phil. Just sayin'.


< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 5/30/2013 11:13:35 AM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 107
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 11:36:05 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Precisely why I prefer no sugar coating! Tell it to me straight doc. Lol



_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 1:57:06 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VideoAdminChi

FR,

Let's return to the topic, which is the OP:

quote:

Im not happy anymore. Im a very good sub when Im happy but I feel things r too one sided here. Am I just not being a good sub or do I not have some boundaries that should be respected? Looking for advice from other Doms because He is my first and only but I have read up and feel He is not adhering to His role


I beg to differ(And you know I love you Chi-big fan here). Now that the conversation has been derailed from me, i think this is a helluva worthy dialogue. The OP is long gone. meanwhile, we are talking about the proper way to discuss things with newbies, which I see as being highly applicable to the boards.
That said...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
Now be that big boy and stick your chin out.
Focus.[/font][/size][/color]

Consider the chin out :-)

I see where you're coming from, and honestly, I knew I was being a bit of an ass when I made the post. Since I'm being all honest and shit, I'll also say that I edited my comment down from what was originally written, which was much harsher. And you might also note that I made no comment at all originally on the veracity of her initial post (which I won't comment on cuz I already did) but instead cut a small piece out of a follow up post
So yeah, I could have been nicer, and maybe on a different day I might have been.
But there's been a damn lot of talk about how we should treat newbies, but I ain't heard anyone mention the regulars perspective. Like you, and many of this threads participants, I've been here a looooong time. In that time, I've seen pretty much anything and everything run across the boards. And ya know, sometimes it gets damn tiring reading the same old drivel, the same ridiculous issues that have been beaten to death a hundred thousand times on here. For crying out loud, how many times can you read nonsensical postings before they get under the skin from time to time. I mean, is another Fin-dom forum needed? hell fucking no. But sure as the sun rises, we'll get another post complaining about em within five days
Now, maybe we should be kind and soft and gentle to all the newcomers (To quote Neil Young, "A kinder gentler machine gun hand"), but WTF-These people are all, at least theoretically, adults. They should have some life experience, not be utterly freaking naive. And they should have developed some sort of armor, at least enough to get throw the issues that life throws at all participants.
Now me, I think I owe em nothing. But if I do comment, I shoot from the hip, call em like I see em and move on with life. I speak the truth.
If they can handle it, fine. And if not, well, what the hell, they shouldn't be looking for feedback on a public forum. Cuz one of the things about those forums, anyone can post on em and anyone can reply. Me-I give a response that's equivalent to the posting, kinda my version of snappy answers to stupid questions. Post something idiotic and I'm likely to give a smart alecky idiotic answer.
Which is cool-as long as I follow TOS, that's my prerogative.

We have a space here where we play flag forums, you know, touch but not tackle. That's the intros. Post in the regular forums though, and it's all fair game.
And frankly, again, WTF? This ain't preschool we're talking about. It's flipping BDSM-a dangerous, potentially lethal activity. It ain't something from thin-skinned whiny adolescents. people like that-yeah, they can get really hurt, in ways few experienced folk would ever be likely too. Really, in the grand scheme of things, if a brand new person walks away from their first bound interaction with only a case of some hurt feelings, I ain't bleeding for em cuz they got off pretty light (I had a Domme tell me once, "Ahhh slaves, you only ruin your first three or four before you figure out what you're doing." Sad. but true).
IMHO, we have zero obligation to be kind or considerate or worry about ruffling the new persons feelings. But we do have an inherent responsibility to tell the truth to the newcomer-for the simple reason that it may help save their life or prevent serious damage.
If they come back, great, that's on them. And if they don't, equally great. but that's on them. We're not responsible for someone else's emotional state. How they process shit is on them, that's their choice.
Just sayin...

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 11:31:29 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

quote:

I didn't know DS even spoke "snark"! DarkSteven, yeah?


lol.. not that DS... DesideriScuri

Oops! lol See, I had no trouble believing Steven could likely do a decent email conversation, but "snark" had me wondering. Couldn't think of anyone else until you said Des; who it turns out is a familiar sparring partner, too. lol


quote:

In this case I dont view experience as being "D/s" related. Its a life lesson, being happy in a relationship, that at 38 most people get.

Not only do I agree with that sentiment, but it's probably the most common advice I give newbies, esp those finding D/s a bit later in life. ie, to trust your instincts honed on previous life experience.

That said, it doesn't change the fact that those same middle-aged newbies almost invariably make the same rookie mistake of assuming *everything* is different in D/s and that consequently, they have almost zero experience to relate to. Yeah, I agree a 38yo *should* know better but the greater truth is that almost no newbies even entertain the notion that they do, let alone act on it.

Me, I'm for tough love, too, it has a place. But I reserve for those I actually know rather than take it out on strangers asking what is to them, an innocent (IMO) question. That's how my sense of justice works.


quote:

quote:

There is fuck-all new D/s topics to discuss but truckloads of newbies to discuss them. So yeah, I fire up when I see the experienced acting like stale burnouts when they jump all over them. Is it any harder for the regulars to 'X' out of the thread altogether rather than sharing their dismissive snarky contempt? Apparently, yes. You hate white knights and I hate mob mentality....


This could all have been avoided had to said "some" or even "most". However you made a blanket statement that there was a clique mentality going on here among those who supported Kana.. which, in my case, couldnt be farther from the truth. I often do "x" out fo a thread if I see responses posted by others that I would make myself. Most new people dont want advice, they want someone agreeing with them. I gave up on advice a long time ago.

Nahhh, I'm fine with blanket statements and generalisations etc. They have a way of warming up a discussion (ok, polarising...), of clearing the fog and getting to the heart of things....


quote:

Here is another one for you... iller than a rattle snake.

iller? Rattle snakes can get really sick? Lol, reminds me of an old favourite of mine that it just now occurs to me that I haven't used in yonks. The gooder one of the two.

Meantime, if it seems I've suddenly vanished from this thread (or forums altogether), look for me in the penalty box as I've just had words with Chi over my last post (last night) getting pulled.

Lol, I'm half expecting to get trap-doored anytime now.

Cheers.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/30/2013 11:40:32 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ller? Rattle snakes can get really sick? Lol, reminds me of an old favourite of mine that it just now occurs to me that I haven't used in yonks. The gooder one of the two.


LOL its actually an expression meaning someone is so nasty they are worse than a rattle snake who is sick and temperamental.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 1:20:14 AM   
Mosimeow


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/27/2013
Status: offline 		SirLogansSub, I think is your name, but what matters after reading six pages containing mostly drivel from forum creepers that just want to bitch about how fucking hard they are and how they as theoretical adults, experienced in the art of bdsm, can solve problems that they feel are easily solved with common sense.

Now the fun thing about life is that most of the time it's like heading down a dark hallway and half the time is spent trying to figure what the fuck is the floor, ceiling, or even your ass. Some get the point early on to just keep moving and doing what feels right, like most of us who enjoy some pretty fucking freaky things. Others are not so lucky, but hey, some of us got it easier than others. I feel bad that your affection for this man who has clearly not respected you is probably the only thing keeping you with him, but I doubt it's love you're feeling. Throw it out the window and run as far as you can from the whole situation. What we need to remind our selves constantly when we've come to that point in a relationship where things turn even worse, is that it's probably not worth it. Move on to the next, hopefully a hobby or a book club, but also review over why the previous relationship didn't work in all aspects, including critically looking at yourself and what you brought to the table as well. (Also, if you feel that love was the case, please go cry in a dark corner with a tub of ice-cream. It's the only way to get over the lame love shits. Plus, give yourself some time, it's always needed.) Oh yes, some might say you need to talk it through, blah blah, but it sounds like you've already tried talking about the problems your having with him and clearly he's not having it.

So there was my pissed shot at everyone's crappy self important posts I had to read through to get to this point and my less than stellar advice, but sadly at 22 I've been through relationships, most of them vanilla, and at some point you just have to change directions completely. I hope you come out of your current situation better than before.

Oh yea, Bear in mind, always be kind. >^.^<

oh and look at this https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7498053632/h820E7F8C/

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 1:27:10 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Oh no, I completely agree. Just what a 38 year old woman needs.. advice from a 22 year old who admits she also has extremely limited experience in D/s...

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Mosimeow)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 2:41:45 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

Oh no, I completely agree. Just what a 38 year old woman needs.. advice from a 22 year old who admits she also has extremely limited experience in D/s...

Very well written sugar coating reply by a 22 yr old! I'm with sugar coating camp!
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" doesn't always work for everybody, except those with tough hide. But if they were tough in the first place, they would not be crying here.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/31/2013 2:42:07 AM >

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 4:50:21 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mosimeow

after reading six pages containing mostly drivel from forum creepers...

There's something psychologically very peculiar about all this name-calling and smartassery coming from people who say we should be kinder.

K.





< Message edited by Kirata -- 5/31/2013 4:52:09 AM >

(in reply to Mosimeow)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 7:00:16 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

I think this forum is filled with folks who's just been through alot of shit in life, and sometimes, newbie whining are like...., so juvenile to them compared to their own experiences.
In the beginning, I found it very hostile too especially if you ask a "seemingly" stupid question.

But after awhile, you get to see all the different personalities and their style of "being helpful", I think many actually believe in tough love, and tough love is often harsh.

And alot of them with the same ideology just happen to gather here.

I'm totally on the kind touch camp though. As tough love seldom works on me being super rebellious and stubborn in nature, so I don't believe in tough love as the most effective action.


Yeah, I think it depends on your style. The main reason I like this board vs a lot of the groups on Fet is because I prefer the realistic attitudes here about relationships and life. Which can be expressed in brutally honest ways that come across as harsh - and sometimes I do wish people were a little more gentle with their spoonful of "grow up" - but I'll take that over fantasy-based bullshit about the super speshulness of beautiful submission any day.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 7:56:17 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

Oh no, I completely agree. Just what a 38 year old woman needs.. advice from a 22 year old who admits she also has extremely limited experience in D/s...

Very well written sugar coating reply by a 22 yr old! I'm with sugar coating camp!
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" doesn't always work for everybody, except those with tough hide. But if they were tough in the first place, they would not be crying here.



LOL

You saw that as sugar coating to a newbie? We really gotta talk sometime! She could care less about the OP's problems. This is a classic case of taking a swipe at the older folks here.

Not to mention a classic case of a submissive riding in to her Dom's rescue. lol

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 5/31/2013 7:59:11 AM >

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 117
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 8:24:00 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu
Yeah, I think it depends on your style. The main reason I like this board vs a lot of the groups on Fet is because I prefer the realistic attitudes here about relationships and life. Which can be expressed in brutally honest ways that come across as harsh - and sometimes I do wish people were a little more gentle with their spoonful of "grow up" - but I'll take that over fantasy-based bullshit about the super speshulness of beautiful submission any day.

Lol, thanks for the tip. When I need sympathy, will sure to check out fetlife. We should direct newbies there if they want sensitivity feedback. And over here if they are ready for the harsh truth.

(in reply to graceadieu)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 8:39:31 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		I guess we dont belong to the same groups on Fet either. There is some harsh reality going on there.. and I didnt have a hand in it


_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: Need Adivice ASAP - 5/31/2013 8:46:29 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I am with you Greta.
Age doesn't seem to matter when it comes to bad decisions, love and relationships, and knowing when to move on and what you have to do to get through it. Snark, bitch and tough talk does work for some people, but it my eyes glaze over the know it alls until it finds what works for me. Truth does not have to come from a wisened, old or jaded brain, sometimes stating things plain and simple works best.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

Oh no, I completely agree. Just what a 38 year old woman needs.. advice from a 22 year old who admits she also has extremely limited experience in D/s...

Very well written sugar coating reply by a 22 yr old! I'm with sugar coating camp!
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" doesn't always work for everybody, except those with tough hide. But if they were tough in the first place, they would not be crying here.




_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 120
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