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RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 2:48:38 PM   
gandalf0297


Posts: 148
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline 		And to tell you the truth I am amazed at how prolific it is in our lifesyle....

(in reply to gandalf0297)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 2:59:16 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		It's no different here than in the vanilla world. The thing I always find fascinating in these types of discussions are the assumptions that the cheated on party is a saint who is absolutely loving and devoted. It is impossible that they are possibly involved with someone else themselves. Nor are they ever uninterested in any relationship with their spouse except as partners raising children. And certainly the cheated on party is never abusive.

Have you folks any idea how many abused wives stay until they meet someone else who gives them self validation? Who believes in them and gives them the courage to leave?

And God knows none of you have ever known of a marriage of long duration at the end of which one spouse has a terrible, degenerative disease. My nearest neighbors have been married for nearly forty years. A good marriage in every possible assessment. But she's dying of ALS, Lou Gehrig's Disease. Until two years ago she could still come out into the sunshine in her wheelchair. These days she's bed ridden with round the clock nurses. My greatest hope is that he does have an old friend, widowed or divorced, who gives him physical love and comfort and the strength to carry on. Because he sure needs it and deserves it.

(in reply to krista)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:03:22 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think anyone is saying that, Celeste.  I too knew someone whose wife was in a coma.  Yes, he had a gf and no one thought anything about it.  It seems to me, however, the "third" party is the one who should make the decision.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:10:26 PM   
szobras


Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rubyleu

Just curious to know how others feel about Dominants, and submissives that are married, yet have a discreet bdsm relationship with another, withouth their spouse being aware of it. As for the Dominants who are married, do you feel this is an "undomly" quality?

Personally I do not associate infidelity with either Dom or sub. Simply, ones character. As with any relationship, should either party disrespect their clearly stated agreement. Whatever that may be. It is not uncommon for one or the other to have desire beyond thier relationship, want to experiment, learn, explore ect.. I speak from experience in my own marriage only, in that though it has not always proved easy, we strive to support each other also as individuals.There are no secrets, and therefore no need for discreet relationships. I speak only for me an mine.

(in reply to rubyleu)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:12:56 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

I don't think anyone is saying that, Celeste.  I too knew someone whose wife was in a coma.  Yes, he had a gf and no one thought anything about it.  It seems to me, however, the "third" party is the one who should make the decision.


Bandit, they are tarring everyone with the same brush. A psychoanalyst I knew used to say that in every bad marriage the blame was fifty fifty. A Catholic wife doesn't want any more children for example and therefore won't have sex as she believes it is only for procreation. Is the husband to blame for finding a girlfriend on the side to fulfill his needs since his wife refuses to? Or is the blame hers for arbitrarily deciding that the marriage was to be celibate for the next forty years? Should he abandon his marriage, cause his children to suffer from him not being there for them nightly any more? Where in these situations is there the one perfect solution that leaves no one hurting? Because I've never found one.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:14:44 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think the thing that I don't get is why married men (cuz I don't date women) get so upset when you tell them you don't date married men.  A simple statement like that is nonjudgmental..just a statement of my preferences.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:18:17 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Celeste, there isn't a perfect solution in those situations.  There may not even be a good solution in those situations.  I don't know who is to blame in those situations or if blame should even be placed.  I find, however, that it's usually the single party who gets hurt.  One of the reason why I refuse to date a married man...whether his wife knows about it or not.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:20:14 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Celeste...Your neighbors have been married for FORTY years and because his wife is sick...and unfortunately very sick for the last two...that he "needs" or "deserves" to cheat....Many people would be apalled by this....If you can't ride out the rough shit...It is very simple...Don't get married!!!! 

If you are in an abusive relationship...A "new" lover aint the answers to your problems!!! You probably have serious issues and by me fucking your twat(extremely well I might add) Is not going to help you determine why it is you are attracted to such assholes!!!!

No one has to get married!!!! If you choose to, than live with the commitments you made or get the fuck out!

Whether you believe we are monogamous or not seems to me a major part in reaching thr  decision whether to commit to such a relationship...It is not just a piece of paper! It is a commitment!...if you think we are monogamous, then you mightwant to give it a go!...there is an aisle waiting for you...If you don't...then don't volunteer cause it is not going to work out well for you....You have a choice you are not lemmings (Domiguy looks hard in to computer screen...sees what he believesto be lemmings staring back at him)...ok...never mind that...you have no choice!  you all had to get married!...so fuck away without remorse....Spineless fucks.

out.

D.G,

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:23:58 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Don't hold back now, dg.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:28:40 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I quite agree it's cheating we all know that.
We also know that it would be much better for everyone if the BDSM partner left the home?
Or if he or she just didn't pursue the experience consensually but acted in a way that might make it happen non consensually?
Or perhaps we could go back to the days when she or he was made to sit on the naughty stool in the church.
Or publically flogged for their crime. Non consensually of course.
Society changes but people don't that much.
Some of us still get married for the wrong reasons to the wrong people.
Always have done always will do.
It may have felt right at the time but time can change how we feel.
The alternative could be that we do away with commitment or loyalty. Never stay together to give the children a stable homelife. Never keep trying to care and share even if it's not in every area.
Building a half decent relationship with one person is difficult enough but if you manage to do it with two even if it does mean cheating then I take my hat of to you.
I hear what you are saying domiguy and applaud you for it. I do hope you are being ironical.
The person who could act like that is not going to be a person to get involved with whether you are married or single. I have refused to be involved with people who do not intend to be faithful to me. I would rather know that the person I am involved with is married rather than cheating any time they get the chance.



(in reply to gandalf0297)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 3:36:27 PM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		I am in my second marriage and I thank GOD she isn't vanilla in fact she is more kinky and sadistic then I...I don't have to cheat I bring her home and we both use her smiles but of course its like any thing else ,your marriage must be first before any other extra fun...WILLIAM

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 4:35:59 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I don't see my BDSM partners as just fun relationships.
They are my partners every bit as important to me as my vanilla partner if we become as committed as that.
It's just a different relationship. It meets different needs in me and them.
I don't intend to ever have to chose between them.
I wouldn't ever want to marry one of them.
Marriage is vanilla to me. Collaring and branding are BDSM.
I may want to live with one or more of them in the future.
Who knows what the future might bring.
I'm just very happy that I might have found compatable BDSM partners.
It's too soon to say if that's true or not for either of us.
I'm not collaring anyone until I am pretty certain it's a very very stable relationship. Likely to last a lifetime.
It's just too emotionally harmful if it fails, to enter into it without a great deal of thought and certainty.
You have to work at any relationship BDSM or vanilla.
And just like vanilla sometimes one person can't give another person everything they need in life.
Sex maybe involved in either a vanilla or a BDSM relationship or it may not.
Having a vanilla Mistress pretty much always means sex is involved having  a BDSM Mistress doesn't necessarily mean that it is.
It's this thing about human beings being monogomous that gets me.
We are not it's a simple as that.
We may chose to conduct ourselves in that way just like some of us chose to be celibate.
But nature doesn't like it.
Nature likes propogation and the best way to do that is to sow and gather as much seed as is possible as often as possible starting as early as possible and continuing as long as it is possible to produce children.
That's why we have a sex drive.
The fact that we have put social restrictions on that throughout history is because we also have emotional and psychological needs that are sometimes more important or as important as our physical needs.


(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 5:10:27 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		I have no problem with married doms as long as their wives know about their activities.  If I am approached by a married dom, I would definitely want to meet the wife in person on a one-to-one basis just to gauge whether she truly supports his activities and to learn about specific limits.  The red warning flag for me would be if she appears to do this just to make her husband happy without any consideration to her feelings. 
 
I am close friends with a married couple and she is a submissive.  She has no problem with him playing with other women as long as she can participate and that he does not play with others without her presence.  I think that is a very good arrangement.

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 1/26/2007 5:11:50 PM >

(in reply to krista)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 5:16:50 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1
Judging someone's character is very different than being judgemental.


To judge is to be judgemental.

I will never understand how "judgemental" has become a bad word.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 5:24:35 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1
Judging someone's character is very different than being judgemental.


To judge is to be judgemental.

I will never understand how "judgemental" has become a bad word.



It's not.

Judgemental is concerned with a face value opinion based on personal morals rather than understanding the person on the receiving end.

You can make a considered, informed judgement by analysing a person rather than basing the opinion on personal morals.

There is a difference.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 1/26/2007 5:28:28 PM >

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 5:29:51 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		ruby

As in all things, there are no absolutes ecepting death of course. The responses thus far are pretty negative about those that endulge in interactions outside of their marriage.
So far I see no recognition of the poor souls [ principally subs] that are stuck in a very vanilla marriage with no outlet to experience the pleasures of D/s.
Often I have been presented with that problem when I have been approached over the years.

Normally I do not enter into a on line relationship if at some point it cannot turn into a eye to eye event..

I have made some exceptions to that and have never regreted it once, and I certainly did not look down my nose thinking cheater, cheater.

CP

(in reply to rubyleu)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 5:37:29 PM   
LeatherTish


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/21/2007
Status: offline 		Primates are not and have never been mate for lifers; that's why they call it monkeying around isn't it?. WE are still primates...we just wear costumes and have a knowledge of death.
Honesty is one way to show by example how you invest your karma. Serial cheating is the portfolio of poor investment practices...unless you have a really good excuse or swiss cheese ethics.

Forgive Me, I don't know how to paste other people's posts on here yet, but the statement above is not correct for ALL primates.  If you look at the Lemurs, they permanent pairbond AND they live in Matriarchial societies.  Also, yes, humans are primates and a lot of us DO permanent pair bond.  Even thought the divorce rate is unfortunate these days, some DO find their soulmates and do stay married for their lifetime and yes, some without cheating.

Not sharing your lifesytle with your spouse is like cheating in itself.  You are cheating yourself and your spouse out of being able to grow together as O/one.  If you don't feel comfortable sharing your lifestyle with your spouse, maybe you are not meant to be together and you both would be better off venturing your own ways.  Or if you have shared your lifestyle with your spouse and they are not willing to at least try it, maybe you are better off with out them.  Marriage is about compromise.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 5:47:57 PM   
SlyStone


Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline
Getting back to the original question, I think the OP is really asking if a married dominant tarnishes, for lack of a better word, his ability to dominant if he is cheating on his "unaware" wife. I would say that no matter what the circumstances, with very few exceptions,  the answer to that question is yes, as it exhibits a lack of control of his life and a disregard for others.

Now the discussion has become about cheating period, and if it is wrong without qualification, and that is a more complicated question and I agree that a blanket judgment that cheating is cheating t is unfair. In my opinion one must know intent and individual circumstances to come to a fair judgment.

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to rubyleu)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 5:57:52 PM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline 		Fast Reply
 
It doesn't matter if a person is D/s or vanilla....married, cohabitating, or just dating.  If the agreement between the parties is being exclusive, then one 'stepping out' without the other's knowledge or agreement is cheating.  And i wonder why people try to justify it as something else?
 
Even with swingers...or in poly households....there is usually some type of agreement as to what is acceptable regarding relationships outside of the primary.  The point is...if it's done behind another's back....without their knowledge or agreement.....it's cheating.   
 
i have seen several subs/slaves that will do anything for their Masters....even be with other females if that is his desire....and leaving him would be the last thing on their mind.  But if he were to sneak around on her in a way that breaches whatever agreement was initially established, she would be able to leave because now, the foundation of trust is broken. 
 
i personally have no respect for cheaters.  At least have the balls to tell your partner so he/she can make an informed choice of whether they want to stay there or not.  At some point, you did love and respect this other person.  At least give them that.
 
DG

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: being married... - 1/26/2007 5:58:38 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

ruby

As in all things, there are no absolutes ecepting death of course. The responses thus far are pretty negative about those that endulge in interactions outside of their marriage.
So far I see no recognition of the poor souls [ principally subs] that are stuck in a very vanilla marriage with no outlet to experience the pleasures of D/s.
Often I have been presented with that problem when I have been approached over the years.

Normally I do not enter into a on line relationship if at some point it cannot turn into a eye to eye event..

I have made some exceptions to that and have never regreted it once, and I certainly did not look down my nose thinking cheater, cheater.

CP


Of course you haven't thought that of the woman....that thought is reserved for her husband...It is what her husband asks his wife....."So who have you been cheating on me "with?"(In this case CelticPrince)

I have at times lived my life in a morally bankrupt fashion...I'm far from perfect....However I attribute much of those prior practices to youth and a lack of using common sense.....I understand now that it's just plain stupid to involve myself in such affairs...I am not so "desperate" to lower myself to such actions...There are single woman who meet my standards that I can find to sate my needs...I don't need to rely on the trapped or weak minded to accompany me...With this approach I will never be forced to make such excuses for their conduct or my own.

Just a thought.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 1/26/2007 5:59:40 PM >

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 60
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