quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

It's this thing about human beings being monogomous that gets me.
We are not it's a simple as that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

It's this thing about human beings being monogomous that gets me.
We are not it's a simple as that.

Well yes, some of us are.
 
Some may never be able to be monogamous, some may not feel naturally so but may make the choice to be and for some of us (including myself) monogamous is how we are wired.  Sure, we might be a minority but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  So if you are talking about all human beings, i would have to say your conclusion is  incorrect.
 
DG

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

I have made some exceptions to that and have never regreted it once, and I certainly did not look down my nose thinking cheater, cheater.

Well of course not CP.  Most cheaters probably don't call themselves cheaters (at the time)...nor do those they are cheating with.  Even the ads on here.  Do you see one  from a married guy whose wife doesn't know and his ad says 'i'm cheating on my wife' ?  No, but plenty of them say they are looking for a 'discreet relationship'.
 
And in a lot of cases, people can't even admit they cheated until years later when they finally accept the reality of what they did.  But because they don't choose to call themselves cheaters at the time....or the one they are cheating with doesn't choose to call them cheaters....still doesn't make them not cheaters.
 
DG   

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

According to statistics I read not long ago, a half of all men and two thirds of all women cheat on their partner. Maybe those stats are wrong but other stats give very high rates of cheating too so I guess cheating is part of human nature. It sucks but insisting its wrong isn't going to change it so is it really worth worrying about?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

One thing about contemplating a relationship with a person married or involved with someone else; you never have to worry or question a couple of the most essential parts of a relationship - Trust and Integrity.

Going in - you know they lack both. It's good to know you have that foundation to build upon at the inception of the relationship instead of finding out later when you've become emotionally involved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

According to statistics I read not long ago, a half of all men and two thirds of all women cheat on their partner. Maybe those stats are wrong but other stats give very high rates of cheating too so I guess cheating is part of human nature. It sucks but insisting its wrong isn't going to change it so is it really worth worrying about?

i find this very sad.  It is not in my human nature.  i would certainly hope those numbers are wrong.

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

According to statistics I read not long ago, a half of all men and two thirds of all women cheat on their partner. Maybe those stats are wrong but other stats give very high rates of cheating too so I guess cheating is part of human nature. It sucks but insisting its wrong isn't going to change it so is it really worth worrying about?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

According to Jared Diamond, it is in everybodies human nature. 

But then again, it also is not.

I love books that prove both sides of a dichotomy are correct.

Sinergy

Is Jared into BDSM by chance? 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

One thing about contemplating a relationship with a person married or involved with someone else; you never have to worry or question a couple of the most essential parts of a relationship - Trust and Integrity.

Going in - you know they lack both. It's good to know you have that foundation to build upon at the inception of the relationship instead of finding out later when you've become emotionally involved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: szobras

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

One thing about contemplating a relationship with a person married or involved with someone else; you never have to worry or question a couple of the most essential parts of a relationship - Trust and Integrity.

Going in - you know they lack both. It's good to know you have that foundation to build upon at the inception of the relationship instead of finding out later when you've become emotionally involved.

That would depend purely on the nature of the relationship. Just because someone is married,or in a committed relationship does not brand them with distrust and without integrity. I would not without knowing the nature of the committed parties agreement , and hear it from both. To do so would be for me, forming an opinion based on the fact that I have no information. No Thank You. If the motivation for the need of discretion is to keep  from getting busted by your partner,then most likely they do lack. Personally, I do not choose to enter into any relationship on any level with anyone, that I do not feel each will include all parties best interest WITH honesty, integrity, and trust.

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
I agree and I think the reason that 'cheating' is so common is that we are trying to kick shit against the tide, when we as a culture try to fit into an almost impossible expectation that we place on ourselves.  We get married and think we will always think and feel the same exact way.  My thinking at 42 is different than it was when I was 20. 

i couldn't count the number of times i've told my kids to wait til they were older to get married....for this reason.  Yes, people do grow and change and hopefully, they are able to grow together with their parnter....but that is not always the case (or maybe not even usually, i don't know).  At almost 50, i definitely look for different things in a partner than when i was 20.  If i had gotten married early, i could have only hoped that my partner would have grown along the same lines.  If not, then we either honor our vows, stick with it anyway, and make the best of it....or we get divorced. 


I just dont think we can go our entire lives moving through new discoveries, growth and changes and think that we are going to have every possible emotional and physical need met by one person for the rest of our lives.  

i have several people in my life who offer mental, emotional and spiritual support.  Although these are areas that i would freely share with my partner, i sometimes find a need to say talk to another female about something emotionally  charged...kind of like a shoulder to cry on.  my partner may not like to do this...or may try and just not quite give me what i need there....so i go to a good friend or relative (usually a female) to get that need fulfilled.
 
i also have quite stimulating conversations with friends and family, and have a brother who shares a lot of interesting spiritual concepts with me.  i appreciate all those relationships and they all have a place in my life.
 
But when it comes to the physcial....no, i do not need another to share myself with that way (and never have).  The thought doesn't even interest me so yes, i do look for a partner who will be the only one to meet that particular need....and yes, i do believe i will find such a partner in life.
 
i notice that some people think that monogamy means a partner has to be the sole provider/support to all the needs i mentioned above....but that is not usually the case.  Although i would want a partner involved in those areas, i also have other networks to rely on as well. 
 
And some may feel the need to look outside of the relationship for the physical as well.  Hey, nothing wrong with that if that's what works for them and their partner.

Obviously the clean cut answer is to get divorced before you move on those new feelings, but I dont see cheaters as people that should be labled for life as unethical and non-trust worthy.  I mean, we really could say that about anyone who has ever told any kind of lie or betrayed anyone, anytime on any level. 

i see a lot of people say they once cheated, knew it was wrong, and wouldn't do it again.  We all make mistakes so i would not call them a cheater for life.  If a potential partner admitted to me that he cheated on an ex-wife and realized he shouldn't have, would i take the chance that he wouldn't cheat on me?  Well, i would take a lot of things into consideration, but i would say that is possible.  So i am not looking at every cheater as 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.
 
But if i see someone who clearly states they cheated, saw nothing wrong with it, and will do it again, then obviously, i would label them a cheater for life.
 
DG

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
I agree and I think the reason that 'cheating' is so common is that we are trying to kick shit against the tide, when we as a culture try to fit into an almost impossible expectation that we place on ourselves.  We get married and think we will always think and feel the same exact way.  My thinking at 42 is different than it was when I was 20. 

i couldn't count the number of times i've told my kids to wait til they were older to get married....for this reason.  Yes, people do grow and change and hopefully, they are able to grow together with their parnter....but that is not always the case (or maybe not even usually, i don't know).  At almost 50, i definitely look for different things in a partner than when i was 20.  If i had gotten married early, i could have only hoped that my partner would have grown along the same lines.  If not, then we either honor our vows, stick with it anyway, and make the best of it....or we get divorced. 


I just dont think we can go our entire lives moving through new discoveries, growth and changes and think that we are going to have every possible emotional and physical need met by one person for the rest of our lives.  

i have several people in my life who offer mental, emotional and spiritual support.  Although these are areas that i would freely share with my partner, i sometimes find a need to say talk to another female about something emotionally  charged...kind of like a shoulder to cry on.  my partner may not like to do this...or may try and just not quite give me what i need there....so i go to a good friend or relative (usually a female) to get that need fulfilled.
 
i also have quite stimulating conversations with friends and family, and have a brother who shares a lot of interesting spiritual concepts with me.  i appreciate all those relationships and they all have a place in my life.
 
But when it comes to the physcial....no, i do not need another to share myself with that way (and never have).  The thought doesn't even interest me so yes, i do look for a partner who will be the only one to meet that particular need....and yes, i do believe i will find such a partner in life.
 
i notice that some people think that monogamy means a partner has to be the sole provider/support to all the needs i mentioned above....but that is not usually the case.  Although i would want a partner involved in those areas, i also have other networks to rely on as well. 
 
And some may feel the need to look outside of the relationship for the physical as well.  Hey, nothing wrong with that if that's what works for them and their partner.

Obviously the clean cut answer is to get divorced before you move on those new feelings, but I dont see cheaters as people that should be labled for life as unethical and non-trust worthy.  I mean, we really could say that about anyone who has ever told any kind of lie or betrayed anyone, anytime on any level. 

i see a lot of people say they once cheated, knew it was wrong, and wouldn't do it again.  We all make mistakes so i would not call them a cheater for life.  If a potential partner admitted to me that he cheated on an ex-wife and realized he shouldn't have, would i take the chance that he wouldn't cheat on me?  Well, i would take a lot of things into consideration, but i would say that is possible.  So i am not looking at every cheater as 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.
 
But if i see someone who clearly states they cheated, saw nothing wrong with it, and will do it again, then obviously, i would label them a cheater for life.
 
DG

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

According to Jared Diamond, it is in everybodies human nature. 

But then again, it also is not.

I love books that prove both sides of a dichotomy are correct.

Sinergy

It is but it's not?  lol
 
In many cases, people write books based on their own personal views and opinions....and use some random polls or studies that further support their stance....so i generally don't use their conclusions as a means to define my life (although no doubt some can be interesting reads). 
 
Is Jared into BDSM by chance? 
 
DG

quote:

ORIGINAL: rubyleu

Just curious to know how others feel about Dominants, and submissives that are married, yet have a discreet bdsm relationship with another, withouth their spouse being aware of it. As for the Dominants who are married, do you feel this is an "undomly" quality?

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


No, he is the author of many interesting books that cover the range of interdisciplanary subjects in the social sciences and biology. He is rather well regarded, having won many book awards, including the Pulitzer.

I have not read that particular book he references though. Jared Diamond is rather brilliant.