quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind?  I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".  Is this passive aggression?  If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?

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ORIGINAL: servantheart

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind?  I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".  Is this passive aggression?  If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?

Did You ask her why is she resentful?  
 
Yes, but I've been getting seemingly conflicting messages about when to do what, and she said she's working on it but it hasn't changed yet.
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Why do You automatically ask if she is being passive-aggressive? 
 
Because she's ready to do what I want, but in a way that, like the Monkey's Paw wishes, don't go down well.
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Also, how long have the two of You been together?
 
Less than a year, maybe 4 months-ish, I haven't been counting carefully.
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What is her normal pattern of behavior? 
 
That's just it.  There is none.  I seem to either be too demanding, or not demanding enough, and it's unclear as to what makes the difference other than her mood at the time.
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Maybe her reaction is situational in nature.  Did You perhaps give her the command at a moment in time when she was already feeling overwhelmed by her environment or another problem?  Have You given her the same command before and if so, how did she react that time?
 
In a similar situation before this one, not identical, but similar, she obeyed with minimum of protest and no resentment.
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There are any number of possibilities here. 
 
Taryn 

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind?  I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".  Is this passive aggression?  If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tashee

not that I can claim any experience... but from the sound of it, first talk to her and acknowledge to one another that she is acting resentful.

She actually stated "If you tell me to do this I will resent you for it"
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Then find out what specifically is making her resentful. It might be something easy to deal with, like you're maybe using certain words or tone of voice that she finds upsetting. It might be that she's struggling with something internal. It might be that being submissive isn't meeting her expectations and she needs to reevaluate.

That would be a big deal for her considering she's been doing this off and on for three years now she says.  She also says being a slave isn't somthing she just does, it's her life.  Though, I wonder if she has some trouble reconsiling this to herself.  Like it's one of those "I shouldn't like this" things.
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Either way, opening the topic up can't hurt.

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ORIGINAL: feastie

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind?  I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".  Is this passive aggression?  If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?

Honestly, the more you post the more I believe that you couldn't dominate yourself out of a wet paper bag with a hole in it. 

You really need help with the whole "it's not MY fault" thing you got going.  Truly.

Again, you personally are not capable of this type of relationship at this point in your life.  You NEED a mentor in the very worst way.

I'm not trying to be snarky or mean, but geeeeeeez, this is a neverending thing with you two.  If you want an M/s relationship, then take the advice of so many people here and get the help you need to create it.  This kind of relationship absolutely requires each party, not just one, both, to take long, critical looks at themselves and honestly figure out where changes may need to be made on both parts.

Being Master is far more than just being boss.  It is a relationship that has to be grown into and developed with time and you simply cannot expect instanenous perfection, but you have to be willing to take responsibility for yourself and your actions.

So far, you just want to be boss, micromanage, and bitch and lay blame at her feet when something doesn't go the way your narrow little brain thinks it should.  If anyone needs punishment in this relationship, I'd say it's you. 

Get smart.  Be realistic.  Be honest.  Do not place blame.  Accept responsibility.

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind? 

quote:


I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".

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Is this passive aggression? 

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If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?

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ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

She actually stated "If you tell me to do this I will resent you for it"

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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

She actually stated "If you tell me to do this I will resent you for it"

That doesn't sound passive agressive to me. Passive agressive is doing it and then giving you the cold shoulder and resenting you. She was blunt, upfront and honest. Count your lucky stars for that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind?  I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".  Is this passive aggression?  If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?

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ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

She actually stated "If you tell me to do this I will resent you for it"

That doesn't sound passive agressive to me. Passive agressive is doing it and then giving you the cold shoulder and resenting you. She was blunt, upfront and honest. Count your lucky stars for that.

True, though in this case I asked ahead of time.  I've come to anticipate these things, which is why she isn't getting all of the dominating from me she might.  By the time I've swept for landmines, the joy of taking a jaunt across the plain is somewhat diminished. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Disclaimer: Valyraen has never ordered me to do something that I actually resented. That would be something that, in my opinion, violated my moral code or the code of our relationship. He does, however, have me do things that annoy me to the point of cursing. So I'll have to answer in the frame of that. If you are doing things that cause her to actually resent you, there is probably a bigger problem at hand than passive agressive behavior.

She says I don't make a great enough allowance for reality.  That we both want the same thing in fantasy, but different things in reality if I'm understanding correctly.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind? 

My little chant that I do when I'm annoyed with something I have to do. "Master may not be right but he is never wrong". Honestly he just laughs.

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I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".

What are you ordering her to do? Remember that instant gratification does not always lead to long-term happiness. Valyraen sometimes forgoes his instant pleasure to ensure the health and happiness of our relationship, which we are hoping will continue to bring him pleasure 40 years down the road and longer. What is worth more to you, instant or continued? What is worth more to her? Continued is more important to me, which why I do the things that annoy me. The continued health of my d/s dynamic is more important to me than being annoyed because I have to go downstairs and get him a glass of water when he is sitting all of ten feet from the fridge.

I'm wanting to go out to a local BDSM club tonight for their movie night.  I was told she'd be back yesterday, and I had hoped to go to a D/s class with her last night, but they had extended birthday plans for her.  So she's supposed to be back today.  She's been gone for 5 days, going to mud baths or somthing with friends and family.  She says she's tired and wants to hang out at home rather than go with me.  While it seems hardly worth the trouble over a movie night like this, it's representative of our situation enough that I want to find answers.  Really though, I don't like the idea that she'll do anything and everything, but is currently wired to resent me rather than say no.  I find that little if any better than someone who just tells me no because I won't get enjoyment from a resentful slave.
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quote:


Is this passive aggression? 

I have no idea for your relationship. I know there is nothing passive agressive about my annoyence. I tell him I'm annoyed, normally by saying something others would consider rude, while I go do it anyway and he laughs.

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If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?

It's no different than in a vanilla situation. It's no more annoying, no more troublesome and also no less. Honestly, sometimes I can't really blame subs/slaves for doing it through. Topping from the bottom has become such a terror to avoid that some s-types can't bring themselves to actually say "I really don't want to do this. I'm going to do it anyway, but I really hate this and I'm annoyed at you for the moment".

Ah, the meat of the matter, finally.  So passive aggression might happen because it's more ok to be resentful, than to say what one actually wants, or to top from the bottom?  If Jodi's not happy yielding at the level I want, I want it identified at the outset so we can have reasonable mutual expectations from each other.  We've discussed having a regularly re-negotiated contract to that end.

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Okay, am I reading correctly? (I'm super tired lol).
Are you asking her if it is okay before you give an order or directive?

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind?  I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".  Is this passive aggression?  If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?

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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

She actually stated "If you tell me to do this I will resent you for it"

That doesn't sound passive agressive to me. Passive agressive is doing it and then giving you the cold shoulder and resenting you. She was blunt, upfront and honest. Count your lucky stars for that.

True, though in this case I asked ahead of time.  I've come to anticipate these things, which is why she isn't getting all of the dominating from me she might.  By the time I've swept for landmines, the joy of taking a jaunt across the plain is somewhat diminished. 

Be more patient. I think during the picnic fiasco you had been together fourth months so you still haven't been together very long. You have a lot more getting to know each to do before you start jaunting accross the plains without asking any questions. Patience is a virtue much understated in BDSM relationships. Again, instant gratification does not only not always go hand in hand with future gratification, insistence on instant gratification can actually destroy future gratification.

Example: Valyraen and I are about to have been together for two years in a few months, and offically d/s for one year next month. At this point we are doing things that we could have never done at four months because our relationship just wasn't ready. Only very, very, very recently have we actually gotten into mindfucks. But these same things that I beg for now would have caused me to resent him if he started too early.

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

She says I don't make a great enough allowance for reality.  That we both want the same thing in fantasy, but different things in reality if I'm understanding correctly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
Ah, the meat of the matter, finally.  So passive aggression might happen because it's more ok to be resentful, than to say what one actually wants, or to top from the bottom?  If Jodi's not happy yielding at the level I want, I want it identified at the outset so we can have reasonable mutual expectations from each other.  We've discussed having a regularly re-negotiated contract to that end.