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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 9:57:32 PM

masterlink65

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still no answer.

i am waiting.

can we start a poll? good sub or bad sub. vote now

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 9:59:03 PM

Mellissande

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What she did was not wise in leaving without a word, but I still cannot say she was a bad anything for doing what was in her best interest.

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Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken.
— jack Kerouac

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:00:42 PM

masterlink65

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who left the tip?

(in reply to Mellissande)

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:03:47 PM

Mellissande

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She didn't drink anything. He beter have left a tip. or he's a cheap bastard all around

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Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken.
— jack Kerouac

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:12:56 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Like most things, it's whatever works for you.

It seems like what works for you is to get pouty and passive aggressive and what works for him is to not communicate expectations and what works for you both is to simply assume rather than clearly explaining your sides of the issue.

Leaving you with a great match, no?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_73308/mpage_1/key_money/tm.htm#73308
Where does money come into it?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_85402/mpage_1/key_money/tm.htm#85402
Money Matters

http://www.collarchat.com/m_86294/mpage_1/key_money/tm.htm#86294
The control of money

http://www.collarchat.com/m_140655/mpage_1/key_money/tm.htm#140655
Money and sexism in bdsm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_276420/mpage_1/key_money/tm.htm#276420
financial decisions

http://www.collarchat.com/m_472811/mpage_1/key_money/tm.htm#472811
In the beginning, money issues

http://www.collarchat.com/m_876333/mpage_1/key_pays/tm.htm#876339
Who pays, do you split the cost and for what?

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:13:44 PM

masterlink65

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i agree with her best interest ok. and maybe she should have left the relation earlier. but when a person represent himself/herself as a sub, i expect a little more from that person, espicailly after a few "dates" and sub has informed me of having all control of said sub. something besides another word coming from the mouth. action is more proof than words.

now if others expect a dom to pay then thats up to them. as for my situation, it would have been established long before going to the pub what the arangements would be, but hindsight is 20/20, and easier said than done. i am not saying i havent had incident with my slaves, but it gets resolved immediately, not after walking away disrespectfully

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:14:51 PM

masterlink65

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he better have left a tip

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:16:20 PM

masterlink65

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good one LA

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:18:39 PM

Mellissande

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You are right about it being disrespectful. it seems to me that it went both ways though. I could never walk out without saying anything, but I am bad about feeling let down and not letting my partner know that too though...

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Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken.
— jack Kerouac

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:21:28 PM

masterlink65

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i think she should have said something. even saying the wrong thing would have been better than saying nothing.

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:23:12 PM

Mellissande

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You are very right. I also think he should have asked if she wanted a drink. Or he should have said before they went out that she was to pay for her own drinks.

_____________________________

Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken.
— jack Kerouac

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:25:33 PM

masterlink65

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i think this thread would make a great southpark episode.
cartman: maaauuuummmm, am i sposed to buy my sub a drink.
mom: i dont know honey, maybe we should ask your father.. oh wait, i dont know who he is

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:31:10 PM

Mellissande

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lol that's not funny... but I can't help but laugh at the attempted humor lol

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Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken.
— jack Kerouac

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:35:45 PM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

After reading many posts.......and carefull thought.........I have come to the conclusion.........that Mlink...is insane
I can see no other response to the nonsense he spews.

Jeff
(not a licensed therapist)

LOL Thank you Jeff, I was starting to see a red mist in front of my eyes from reading his bullshit. What a load.

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:49:48 PM

masterlink65

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i might make a good spot in family guy too.

peter: lios we're going to the pub
lois: will you buy me a drink this time or do i have to pay again? and who's leaving the tip

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:52:39 PM

sexyred1

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As I am recovering from the utter stupidity of one major poster here....jeez, I will say this:

I don't know about anyone else, but I do not define the behavior, meaning courtesy, manners, generosity, etc. as being mutually exclusive to being Dom Sub or vanilla. How ridiculous to excuse bad behavior in any scenario.

I do not care what the deal is, if the OP was upset enough to walk home ONE AND HALF HOURS then obviously, she had some pent up anger from the Dom in question. That obviously stemmed from all the times she spent cooking for him. Perhaps she felt DEVALUED AS A PERSON WHO GAVE OF HERSELF? He could not buy her a freaking drink? I would have told him off so badly, his head would have spun...and there is no way I would have walked home; if I somehow did not have the money for a cab, I would have gotten it, believe me. I don't put my safety at risk for any moron.

I don't give a damn what their roles are, if he was any type of MAN, let alone a GENTLEMAN, he would not have let her walk home, alone. Again, this has nothing to do with Dom/sub. It is human beings we are talking about and safety issues.

I detest cheap people, I understand going dutch during the course of dating or in a relationship, although no one I have ever dated asked me to. I would just offer out of courtesy.

As for the ludicrous suggestion that the OP was a sub seeking humilation and control, what a crock. Going for a drink in a pub with someone that you are just "playing" with, is a far cry from that.

As others have said, the clueless posters who view subs/slaves as "it" or things, and live in a realm where roles are more important than civilized behavior, are just to ignored. To assign an oversimplified view of D/s to all life situations shows a tremendous lack of sense and a very narrow mind.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/4/2007 10:55:59 PM >

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 10:55:15 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kails

I can see arguments happening on both sides for this one.

Ok, Im playing with this Dom. He's been fed several meals by me, out of my cupboard. Fine, cosy in fact.

Then he tells me we are going to a pub. We get there, he gives me the amount for his drink and tells me to get it.

I purchase the drink, take it over to him, give him his 5 cents change, turn around, leave the pub and do the 1 1/2 hour walk home. He states later that he does not believe paying for my drink is part of D/s.

Im interested to see what others views are on this. My view is ... I did not have a choice about going to a pub, i give full control over to the Dom. But damned if Im gonna go dutch when we go out. Especially considering control is expected and happily given at all times, no matter where we are.

Opinions ????

At seven pages, this might already be a train wreck, but I just don't have time to read through the other posts to see if my opinion has already been expressed.

I'm quite clueless as to why you walked out of the pub after getting his drink.

Giving over 'full control' indicates to me that includes whether or not you're even going to be allowed a drink, much less get it paid for by your dominant. In my opinion, to leave without a word was rude on your part, not the act of a submissive who claims to have given over full control and completely unprovoked. You made several assumptions not the least of which was assuming his motivation on taking you to the pub in the first place, which you thought was to get you a drink, when his motivation may well have been for you to serve him a drink and for you not to drink at all.

You said you are fine, cozy in fact, with the meals provided out of your cupboard.. but it sure doesn't seem like you're fine and cozy with it if you bring it up as some sort of excuse for your own rude behavior expecting his reciprocity for your generousity in feeding him.

In my opinion (and you did ask) this was your bad, not his.

Now, that said, he may very well be a cheap son-of-a-bitch .. or, he just might think he's a dom and has a submissive who agreed to give him 'full control' and utilized her as he wished. Only he knows for sure, I guess.

Celeste

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 11:01:12 PM

hisannabelle

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greetings kails,

i agree that walking out may have not been the best idea, but evidently you communicated your discontent to him after that, so i'm not going to gut you for that as other posters have done ;) i do agree that you need to come to terms with what it means to give over "full control" and perhaps reevaluate that...then again, i was not exactly clear on the situation as in some parts of your post it seemed as though this was just a playdate, and in other parts it seemed as though you were fully submissive to him. due to the fact that my dominant usually allows me to eat or drink when we go out, it's second nature to me to order for myself (in fact, he usually makes me order first), but i try not to assume that that will always be the case, because whether or not i do is really up to him.

at the very least, i think going dutch should mean that if you cook for him, then he pays for you when you go out. i agree that his actions were in poor taste, if you were not in a relationship together, and perhaps if you are. personally, in our relationship, he pays for almost everything - it's more out of necessity because he is financially comfortable and i am somewhat struggling, and when we move in together, obviously we'll share many expenses, but in general, i also find it charming that he always pays for meals when we go out and things like that. but our relationship is based more on who is more capable of doing it at the time...i've paid before when i was in a better situation to be able to. i think that that method works a lot better than what's "socially appropriate" or sticking to preconceived notions.

when i go out with other partners or new people, i rarely discuss who's going to pay beforehand but i always bring enough money with me for whatever we're doing, plus cab fare home in case things don't work out. that way, when someone does pay for me, i can be pleasantly surprised, and i don't have to worry so much about whether they will or not. i don't like discussing it because it is awkward for me, but i also don't like to presume that they will pay.

respectfully,
annabelle.

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 12/4/2007 11:51:33 PM >

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RE: Going dutch - 12/4/2007 11:09:28 PM

masterlink65

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quote:

As for the ludicrous suggestion that the OP was a sub seeking humilation and control, what a crock. Going for a drink in a pub with someone that you are just "playing" with, is a far cry from that.

read her profile, she says she likes humiliation, she got humiliated, and like luckalbatross said, she got all passive aggressive.

so,,, if she did this as a result of an ongoing process as you say. she obviously should have spoken up earlier.

(in reply to sexyred1)

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RE: Going dutch - 12/5/2007 1:01:20 AM

kalstolyn

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I never ever go to a pub unless I have enough money on me for at least one drink, I'll never assume that someone else is buying unless they tell me that ahead of time. Then again, being invited out one on one is pretty much an implied promise to buy at least one drink for the invitee, but I like to have the option of buying the second round then.

In my mind D/s, or gender, for that matter, doesn't figure into the equation at all, it's just common courtesy.

< Message edited by kalstolyn -- 12/5/2007 1:03:47 AM >

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