Padriag
Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
Get a handle on your sex drive.
Get a handle on yourself... period. Self control is key to being dominant. An though it has become a cliche, it is none-the-less still true that before you can master someone else you have to first master yourself. Its also an ongoing process, I don't know anyone who is totally in control of every aspect of themselves all the time, and frankly I don't believe it to be possible. We're human and therefore fallible and therefore we will slip up at times. But, self control remains a goal to constantly be worked towards, and the process is itself rewarding.
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Treat them like human beings for fuck's sake!
They are not a sex toy!
They are not put here on this planet to suck your cock on the first night!
Their sole purpose of existence is not to wash your underwear!
Your do not have a divine right to their submission in the first 5 minutes of talking to them!
Your not special because you painted a "D" with a diamond around it on your shirt and boxers!
You are not the all knowing, all seeing, all powerful walking talking Billy Bad Ass of all women!
You are not your fucking car!
You are not your pair of khakis!
(Oops, sorry. That's supposed to be on the Fight Club thread)
But seriously...forget everything you read about slaves, submissives, and M/S relationships. Reality is that they are not going to do what you want them to do unless they want to do it for you and that fact of consent and autonomy is something you are going to have to deal with and respect.
Yes and no. While I agree with the spirit of this and some of the specifics, it is in fact in the details where this can become bad advice. Some of them actually do want to be treated as objects or sex toys... at least part of the time. I have known slaves who wanted to be treated as pets... literally as animals... 24/7 and even known of a few such relationships that continued for many years. So I'll depart from MR's generally good advice and share something different.
Treat them as they desire to be treated. Many do want to be treated as people, and with some degree of respect. But that isn't universally true... some what to be absolutely humiliated and degraded on a regular basis... some want to be objectified... some would love to be made a sex toy. It pays to take the time to know who you are dealing with an sort out what they really want from what they just fantasize about. That can be confusing, some don't know what they want and that can often lead to trouble. I recently dealt with a slave who when I first met her fantasized about being kept in a basement as a sex toy. Later that transformed into fantasies about being a "dog whore" (an that's all I'm saying about that due to TOS). But these fantasies were in conflict with desire for personal achievement and other desires (much of which she was either to fearful or lazy to pursue on her own). It became a confusing mess and did not end well. My point being that if you want to keep a submissive, figure out what it is they really want and then consider whether you are both capable and willing to give it to them. Don't take on a situation that doesn't suit you. Don't take on a submissive with desires at odds with your own. On the other hand, find someone who's desires fit within your own desired lifestyle, give them what deep down they expect and you'll discover they'll respect you for it. Keep that very much in mind, its a rule of human behavior... we tend to respect those who match what we expect. When someone doesn't match our expectations, we tend to disrespect them... this applies to dominants and submissives as with anyone else.
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Be assertive. Not timid or aggressive. Even though respect for their autonomy and right to consent is important, in my experiences, most submissive women are still looking for a guy who will assert control right off the bat and direct and handle how things are gonna go. It's possible to do that without being a rude, controlling asshole and it requires the art of being "assertive" and finding that happy medium between "Kneel, bitch!" and "Uh...excuse me, ma'am....pardon me, miss...could ya please....could ya suck my cock, please?"
"There's a new Chinese restaurant that just opened up. We should eat there. What do you think about that?"
"Well, I have work at 7 and you get out of class at 5 so let's meet for coffee at 6. How does that sound to you?"
Both show control and direction and leadership, but still are respectful of their opinion and consent. You don't have to be rude and overbearing to show how dominant you are.
Keep in mind expectations vary here (and what I said about expect and respect above). I've known submissives who would view the above examples as all being "undomly" because they didn't match their own expectations... they expected to be told where to be, when to be there and what they would eat when they got there... as well as exactly what to wear. I've also known submissives who would utterly balk at any of that. Its a wide spectrum out there, so again, find someone who's expectations match who you are and how you wish to live. Best way to do that is simply be who you are and see who is attracted to that.
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People talk a lot about the "presence" or "aura" of dominance. Well, I've found that your vocal communication style is the most powerful way to express that dominant part of you and to be perceived as such. Once I got a handle on an assertive style of talking, it had a profound impact on my relations with submissive women.
Very true, as can be the way you generally interact with others, how you dress, how you present yourselves. A man who enters a room with one or more people following him will always be perceived as more dominant than one who enters alone, who in turn seems more dominant than one who enters following someone else. Most dominants ought to examine their lifestyle, their wardrobe, an their habits... and give them an overhaul where necessary.
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Figure out what you want. Your wants, your needs, what you like, what you don't like, what you want control over, what you don't want, what's expected of her, what your standards are, what rituals and protocols you like and want, and on and on and on. It takes some time and experience to figure all that out and it changes constantly, but still....understanding who YOU are and what YOUR relationship is gonna entail is important. Having a solid foundation and being able to clearly communicate what being with you will entail and what will be expected makes things go a lot smoother.
I cannot stress enough how important this is. So let me be very blunt.
GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER
Was that clear enough?
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Have faith in yourself. I say "faith" and not "confidence", because confidence takes a lifetime to develop. Depending on where you at in your life experience, you may have a lot or not a whole lot at all. In the absence of that, you going to have to do with just faith. If you don't believe that you can guide someone along this journey called "life" and make good decisions for yourself and them, nobody else is going to either.
An excellent point.
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Transparency isn't a right. It's earned. A lot of dominants, including myself, want transparency from their submissives. The complete honest truth with nothing held back. Some people seem to think this what they are entitled to and I find that to be pretty far from the truth. In my experiences, a lot of people lie and hold back things from their partners because they are afraid of how they are gonna react and not out of malice. Getting the honest truth every time from someone means proving that you can put on your big boy pants and take whatever it is they tell you without flipping your shit.
Also a good point, about which I'll add just two things.
First, transparency is fragile, not only can it be hard to develop, it can be easily destroyed. Handle with care.
Second, transparency is sometimes overrated. Don't rely on them always being open and honest with you, many of them won't be. That isn't necessarly because they are trying to be deceptive... often it may be simple fear, bad habits or they just may not know how to express themselves. Learn to read people better, get inside her head, if she can't be transparent invest in some "x-ray vision". Pick up a few books on body language and the basics of human behavior, learn to understand why people do things, what motivates behavior... you'll find it invaluable.
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Communication skills Yeah, once again, communication, communication, communication. As someone who happens to have pretty shitty communication skills at times, I can personally attest that they are really important. You can find a whole host of books on Amazon.com on the subject and I suggest investing some money and doing a little research on just what being a "good communicator" is all about.
Again, good point. I'll add only that would be dominants may want to focus in particular on books on leadership (John C Maxwell is one of my favorites and guess what, he talks a lot about communication), as well as a few books on building relationships and building trust.
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Dance to your own beat. Take advice from assholes like me with a little grain of salt. You might find some of this helpful, you might not, but all in all, nobody can tell you how to be "dominant". It's something unique and inside of you and how you express it and go about bringing it out is something only you can really figure out.
Again, good advice. Be yourself and don't worry about living up to some mythical "dominant standard", no such thing exists. As I said above, different submissives have different expectations. Be who you are and find someone who respects that. Same advice applies to submissives btw... be yourself and find a dominant who accepts that. Any of us can put up a facade and pretend to be something we aren't for awhile... but eventually the reality shows through... when that happens six months into a relationship it can turn ugly.
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Padriag
A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 
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