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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/30/2008 9:30:37 AM   
dawntreader


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Excellent post, Charleston

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/30/2008 10:23:02 AM   
aggressiveblkdom


Posts: 127
Joined: 5/21/2007
From: The Dark Side of The Moon
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VERY VERY well written post MR. As a few have said, it is a shame that not many Doms are contributing even if it's just to commend you on such a good post.

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/30/2008 10:54:34 AM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
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*FR*
Alright, I will chime in here, though it is generally not my thing to play Mutual Admiration Society, and congratulate one for doing things the way they ought to be done, but the fact MadRabbit and DomDolf especially have taken the time to so eloquently organize and communicate these thoughts into something that I believe will be really helpful to future would-be Dominants who are coming to the "Ask a Master" forum looking specifically for this kind of advice really does deserve to be commended.  Good work!  Nice writing too. 




_____________________________


Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to aggressiveblkdom)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/30/2008 10:38:58 PM   
KnightofMists


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A few days ago I received an email for Madrabbit asking for my input in his thread.  I slipped into the thread to find out what it was about and was struck by the enormity of the challenge.  As Madrabbit stated, such threads do tend to get neglected for a variety of reasons.  As often the case, such topics are covered more from the tip of the iceberg than the entire iceberg.  I personally find it very challenging to rollout a string of pop wisdom that in truth is only a thin veneer to a very complex issue.  However, for the past couple of days, I have been considering how and what to respond to within the context of this thread.  Instinctively, I already had my initial answer but required some time to consider it deeper before I responded.

I believe my response is going to be applicable to anyone and not just new Dominants.  In several threads over the past couple years I have made references to what I call the cycle of growth; Awareness, Acceptance and Actualization.  In this thread I will take the opportunity to share a deeper understanding of what this concept means to me and maybe these thoughts will resonate with a person or two.

Our daily life is a world of perception.  A perception that is often focused externally but also on occasion gets diverted internally.  It is the perception diverted internally that I see as our Awareness of self.  Who we are as a person in a given moment will have the most significant impact on all our interactions externally.  I state a given moment because we are very much like a river in that even though we are a person, we are a person that is changing and many changes are not even taken notice of.  Beneath the water, there is much to discover and learn about ourselves.  It lays there out of our Awareness, but existing regardless of our conscious acknowledgement of such. 

Within the lifestyle there is much talk of limits and focus on what is our limits and is a significant part of what many refer to in negotiations.  We then also have a whole gambit of discussions with regards to pushing many of the limits that people establish for themselves and their relationships.  In many ways, pushing of limits that so many do for themselves is a journey into self-awareness.  Awareness of “what is” will come in variety of paths, some are by design and some can be very much be by accident.  However, regardless of how self-awareness occurs, it will not be gained if one is not looking and listening for it.  But in looking and listening (perceiving) the world around us, we must be careful not to let our agenda affect how and what we see.  How often have we felt foolish, stupid or silly because we failed to see what it is and instead saw what we wanted to see?  In a previous relationship, I felt the full force of my own blindness to my lack of awareness.  I entered into a relationship that I was blind to much of that existed.  If I only chose to see what was, I would have made many different choices.  One of which was not entering in that relationship in the first place.  For new Dominants, be aware of all that you dare to see and don’t be surprised that you will be blinded to what is.  Building your perceptions of what is will help on your awareness of self and others.  Learn the filters that you knowingly and unknowingly have as you perceive the world around you.  Appreciate that these things will affect how and what you see and hear.



As someone comes new into the lifestyle, be they Dominant, submissive or otherwise, we become aware of a great variety of things that this lifestyle has to offer.  But even as we become aware it doesn’t mean we accept it as a part of us.  As suggested earlier, we blind ourselves to what is.  This lack of Acceptance is in part because we are not looking or listening.  But it is also because we don’t want to accept that which we have become aware of.  As an example, many sadistic persons struggle with their own awareness that they take enjoyment in the causing of pain to another.  However, it is only Acceptance of what is that can allow us to move forward and not just our simple awareness of its existence.  Often our lack of acceptance is due to a deeper truth to which we have yet to become aware of.  But, as simple as it sounds, sometimes it is because we are choosing not to accept it and all we need do is make a different choice.  But, have you ever traveled a dirt road full of ruts and tried to stay out of the ruts?  A life time of choosing a certain way is very much like building our own ruts of behavior.  Learning how to accept things as they are can be very challenging and frustrating for a person.  But, I suggest the secrets is in learning the ruts (or patterns) of our own behavior and replacing them as a person deems necessary.  We can not just stop a given behavior or pattern of behaviors; we must replace them in some way.

For me personally, I never struggled with acceptance of my own sadistic actions and desires when I became aware of them.  In large part, this was due to the struggle that I went through in learning to accept the Poly lifestyle as part of who I am.  My difficulties in accepting and walking through the door of a poly lifestyle were very much a result of the beliefs I held as a part of who I am.  These are beliefs and values that I was raised with but had yet to truly choose to make my own or discard.  Through my own journey into seeking the issues of Acceptance, I discovered that the core of who I am is a choice for me to make when I am ready to make it.  I am not inherently programmed to have beliefs, values and ethics.  I am nurtured by those that raised me and my environment to have their beliefs, values and ethics that have established much of the patterns of behavior in my life.  In leaning to accept the poly-lifestyle, I ventured into building and establishing my own beliefs, values and ethics by choice and challenge any residual programming from society and upbringing.  In some cases, I have accepted such programming and made it my own and other times I have chosen to replace it.  If you struggle in acceptance of what you become aware of, I would suggest you ask yourself why.

Through acceptance, I have then been able to venture into the Actualization of those things that I have become aware of.  I have found there it be tremendous satisfaction of bringing forth my inner desires, thoughts and feelings into the light of day.  If we do not act on that which we become aware and accept of ourselves, I find it difficult to conceive that happiness or well-being is something that can be enjoyed.  A theory I once came across was the concept that our propensity to fulfillment and happiness is directly related to bringing our inner selves into the light of day.  In other words, if fulfillment and happiness is to be ours we must actualize what it is we are aware of within our self.  The theory also conveys the idea that the further we suppress these inner aspects the further from happiness and fulfillment we will find our selves.  However, there is a catch to actualizing these inner desires.  They must be authentic.

In being authentic, I am talking about that we are choosing actions or inactions that reflect that which is truly within us and not attempting to live to a standard that we see externally.  For example, often we have and will see individuals that see a person that demonstrates all the things they admire and will try to emulate them to acquire those very things we apparently desire.  They mimic them!  We also see this in how individuals will establish and adopt labels and then attempt to live up to this standard.  Not for their own internal gratifications, but for external approval.  Often I have witness people that are unaware of their own deep desire to be loved that they adopt the external label of Dominant or submissive in order to fill this void from a person they desire.  Often times these situations will be full of struggles and a lack of fulfillment or happiness because what carries them is comes externally rather than internally.

I believe we are all guilty at one time or another of deluding ourselves or being unaware of those things that are motivating us into action and struggle for happiness as a result.  I have found that when I struggling, instead of working harder, I look to work smarter.  I get introspective and try to become aware of what it is that I am missing.  I should also note that the actualization of our awareness also propels us in to new levels of awareness.  I recall clearly my awareness that females are attractive and physically stimulating for me.  But it was only through actualization of the act of sex that I gained new insights that never would have occurred without the act itself.  Experience in of itself opens doors to new thoughts and feelings that we could not comprehend or be aware of without the experience. 

We all come into this world rather similar, how we live this life that we have will be unique from person to person.  However, as we take each step on our journey, we have an opportunity to learn from it.  We also have the ability to be aware of what is just as we can delude ourselves to see what we want.   We can have experiences that fulfill us or leave us feeling empty.  Much of the journey in our life is not so much of what we do, but why we are doing it.  It is been my growth and experience of going through endless cycles of awareness, acceptance and actualization that brought me to where I am to day.  It is my choices or lack of making a choice that put me here.  If I don’t like the place I am at, it is for me to change and not for someone else.   I also know that like the river, I will always be in a state of change even if only under the surface beyond people’s perceptions.  Growth to me is change and change to me is growth.  But, growth doesn’t mean better or improved.  Some change is not good, but not all change is bad either.  I can’t begin to tell you the steps you should take towards your Dominance, but I do know that you will find your path within you and from there you will learn the steps you will take.  I can’t say that the steps you will take will be good or bad… but I do know that you will do both in your life.  What you do with the bad will be as revealing to yourself as what you do with the good.  But will you be looking to see what is? Or will you be looking for what you want to see?




_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 12:48:12 AM   
MrRodgers


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
Hey folks,

One of the common recurring threads I see in the Ask a Master section is new dominants asking for general advice about being a "dominant". Unfortunately, these threads often go neglected, unanswered, or when answered, given very ambiguous answers. I image a lot of this comes from the large variety of viewpoints and opinions we have here regarding what exactly a "dominant" is.

It's not my goal to establish or attempt to establish a "One True Way", but I am hoping that myself and other male dominants can share some of the things they have learned via their own personal experiences and individual lifestyles and thus hopefully put something together that is beneficial in helping other people find where they do or do not stand in all of this.

I'll comment on this as there are those and a bit accurately...have described me as a bit verbose. I am thinking I am no better than 3rd on this hit parade. But these posts often reveal that we do in fact take ourselves and this so-called 'lifestyle' although we cover much more...a little too seriously.
Disclaimer #1
For WIITWD here, and in ALL of life comes from our emotional and psychological experiences and there is power in ALL relationships and becomes only a question of who uses it at what time or does one have it and...use it ALL of the time.

Disclaimer #2
All that we do and write are to a great degree based on our personal experiences. ...not just here. Every life is based on their own experiences again and makes up the 'novel everybody is worth.'

Disclaimer #3
Nobody comes here as the King of kings or the God of gods.

Get a handle on your sex drive.
Stop fantasizing about almost every woman one sees and also wanking and understand that abstinence is the greatest aphrodisiac and inpires confidence when it counts...has been around for countless years.

Treat them like human beings for fuck's sake!
ALL of meeting people anywhere...anytime is about both being treated as 'normal' human beings. NOT about the above, but some are or want to be treated as less...yet only upon discovery. It is ALWAYS about the connection and how a person makes you feel when with them and sometimes in many of these aspects...you are to do many things and develope certain expectations.

Reality is that they are not going to do what you want them to do unless they want to do it for you...
Call me old-school but I never 'forced' a woman to do anything and never felt I should need to. Submission and slavery are voluntary and inspired. To feel the need to force someone could even represent failure on the part of the would-be enforcer.

Be assertive. Not timid or aggressive.
Again, true in ALL walks of life not just online dating and something that should be understood in vanilla life and before even coming here. Nobody is ever to be or feel a need to be the belligerent mass of scowling anger or the dour martinet.

It's not gonna happen overnight.
Relationships don't...other things (pleasures) can and do. It depends on the people involved and the extent to which they feel it should.

Figure out what you want.
Almost everybody is always 'figuring out' what they want. Standards are revealed upon contact here or anywhere else and do not change. Rituals, protocals, expectations any 'foundation' is developed over time as are ALL other aspects of a relationship...anywhere, anytime.

Have faith in yourself.
Confidence is achieved or gained over time and with practice. Having faith in yourself is as important and at ALL times and anywhere...not just here.

Transparency isn't a right. It's earned. 
Anything truly personal always must wait until one feels comfortable disclosing them...anywhere, anytime.

Communication skills 
One must communicate and skillfully enough to convey their wishes, preferences, wants and desires...ALL the time. Good communication starts with listening and paying attention and asking questions upon any misunderstanding...don't need a book for that.

Dance to your own beat.
Be yourself at ALL times and particularly because you have to...nobody else knows how. Also advice that's been around for years and everywhere in life.

I consider domination without the toys to be just as much of an art as with the toys.
And it's a HARD art and you will FUCK IT UP.
Domination is an attitude and submission...inspired. That is your discovery...'bringing it out.' This has little to do with toys...those simply compliment our fetishes. Mistakes and how you handle them are as important in ALL walks of life.

Kinky fetishes sexual or otherwise (?) are one thing and a great source of our pleasure but are only a part of D/s, let alone M/s.

Submission and certainly anything like service comes from the heart. I truly think it is very similar to our appreciation for the performing arts. It is ALL in the inspiration wrought by emotions and those that we create.

Most men know in fact...they are just a man, nothing more and nothing less. Meeting them/us might change their feeling about that and it might not. I's how any man would make you feel...when with him.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 5:02:40 AM   
FrankAr


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Tal MadRabbit,

I just skimmed through the post.  I thought that it was just another post that was just there.  If people do not use the search function, then I tend to think that they are lazy.  For as a Dom or Domme or Master, if they are lazy it will show up when they are with someone.  For the sub or slave, I would just stay away from them if they are lazy.

I skimmed through the replies and then it hit me when I started to read KnightofMist reply.  Might be wrong in my memory but he wrote that you sent him an email about the post.  That in my eyes is just ego stroking.  If he wanted to read it, then so be it.  Or one of his subs/slaves would have pointed it out to him.

With some of your points.....giving a blow job on the first night.....well I might want one, or might not, that is my choice, but then the female would already know that with communication.  I have never read any books about being a Dominant in any way.  Does that make me any less to being a free man, no.  I just find that life is the best book that I know.

I tend to find that in my life that the female should be truthful from the first bat, and hide nothing.  She can keep things from me until I ask her, that is simple, but she should not hide anything.  I ask, she should tell me the truth, and visa versa.  If she can't cook I do not want to know in 8 months time.  But then my life is different to many, with my relationships being as they are, Gorean.

Just my two cents.

Be well.

Frank Ar.


_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 6:50:30 AM   
KnightofMists


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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FrankAr

Might be wrong in my memory but he wrote that you sent him an email about the post.  That in my eyes is just ego stroking.  If he wanted to read it, then so be it.  Or one of his subs/slaves would have pointed it out to him.



You are wrong...  all your doing is making assumptions and judgements based on your own limited view instead of actually becoming aware of what transpired between Rabbit and I.  Your behavior demonstrates more of an interest in judging the action that appreciating the motivation behind what Rabbit asked and why I responded in kind.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 8/31/2008 7:00:05 AM >


_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 6:54:34 AM   
Jeffff


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If one considerer's the all the crap that is posted here as gospel ,. MR's post was clean, neat and well thought out.

It had none of the " one twue way:" or Domlier than thou shit.

Well done

Jeff

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 3:00:23 PM   
MrRodgers


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Look, I don't want to throw cold water on this party but while I can appreciate that this OP covers the essentials...it is almost entirely generic. Most of the advice here as I have tried to illustrate, is true for almost all of life, not just...'advice to new dominants.'

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 3:10:40 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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But since this is a website for kink-oriented people, and this forum is geared towards the D types....

sure it's good advice for all of life.

Not everyone has ever gotten any or all of this advice.

And sometimes, I've noticed, some of the new people seem to forget that they are a person first, dealing with others who are people first.

Sometimes, it helps to see/hear it.


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to MrRodgers)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 3:25:14 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

Look, I don't want to throw cold water on this party but while I can appreciate that this OP covers the essentials...it is almost entirely generic. Most of the advice here as I have tried to illustrate, is true for almost all of life, not just...'advice to new dominants.'


Mmmmm...

Maybe....

Maybe not....

You know, I used to work as a chef and now I work as a butcher. When I was an apprentice, I didn't feel the need to inform the people teaching me that the skills they were teaching me as a butcher could also be applied to being a chef and accuse them for taking themselves too serious as butchers.

Can some of the things I mentioned here be applied to other relationships and other interactions? Certainly!

But this is the "Ask a Master" forum and we are on these boards to talk about power based relationship and I am a self identified dominant who has had personal experiences in the context of power based relationships.

So it is really all that of a surpise that in a thread where I am seeking to share such experiences with other people who are looking to have the same kind of experiences in the same kind of relationship, that I would narrate the thread within the parameters of that context without broadening and compounding the scope to make sure I am being fair to Vanilla Jim and Dorothy with their Kitchen Sink in Kansas?

Don't you think effective communication would be attempting to reach the target audience on a level that they can relate to?

So given that, do you think it's possible that maybe I wrote this the way I did to make sure I could connect and relate to other dominants and not necessarily because I'm being pretentious and over-inflating the issue?

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to MrRodgers)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 3:27:24 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
yeah, thats what I was trying to say!

(*grins* at MR..)


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 3:35:42 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FrankAr
I skimmed through the replies and then it hit me when I started to read KnightofMist reply.  Might be wrong in my memory but he wrote that you sent him an email about the post.  That in my eyes is just ego stroking.  If he wanted to read it, then so be it.  Or one of his subs/slaves would have pointed it out to him.


Well, KnightOfMist and I have had a lot of private communications in the past, discussing power based relationships. He is someone I consider to be an exceptional dominant and I messaged him not to brag about my post, but rather to ask him to contribute his own advice. Now that I have some free time, I was hoping to message a few other really awesome dominants on these boards.


_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 3:38:04 PM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL:  TheMadAsAHatterRabbit
Don't you think effective communication would be attempting to reach the target audience on a level that they can relate to?

*sighs*  I sure do and thank you for doing that.  I, at least, appreciate it and I do wish that it was more common. 

Apparently though, it's damned if you do and damned if you don't.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 5:47:34 PM   
Jeffff


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Joined: 7/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

*sighs*  I sure do and thank you for doing that.  I, at least, appreciate it and I do wish that it was more common. 

Apparently though, it's damned if you do and damned if you don't.


Yes, but you must always consider the source.

Jeff

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 6:19:17 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit


Get a handle on your sex drive.
 
Get a handle on yourself... period.  Self control is key to being dominant.  An though it has become a cliche, it is none-the-less still true that before you can master someone else you have to first master yourself.  Its also an ongoing process, I don't know anyone who is totally in control of every aspect of themselves all the time, and frankly I don't believe it to be possible.  We're human and therefore fallible and therefore we will slip up at times.  But, self control remains a goal to constantly be worked towards, and the process is itself rewarding.


quote:

Treat them like human beings for fuck's sake!
 
They are not a sex toy!
They are not put here on this planet to suck your cock on the first night!
Their sole purpose of existence is not to wash your underwear!
Your do not have a divine right to their submission in the first 5 minutes of talking to them!
Your not special because you painted a "D" with a diamond around it on your shirt and boxers!
You are not the all knowing, all seeing, all powerful walking talking Billy Bad Ass of all women!
You are not your fucking car!
You are not your pair of khakis!
(Oops, sorry. That's supposed to be on the Fight Club thread)
 
But seriously...forget everything you read about slaves, submissives, and M/S relationships. Reality is that they are not going to do what you want them to do unless they want to do it for you and that fact of consent and autonomy is something you are going to have to deal with and respect.

Yes and no.  While I agree with the spirit of this and some of the specifics, it is in fact in the details where this can become bad advice.  Some of them actually do want to be treated as objects or sex toys... at least part of the time.  I have known slaves who wanted to be treated as pets... literally as animals... 24/7 and even known of a few such relationships that continued for many years.  So I'll depart from MR's generally good advice and share something different.

Treat them as they desire to be treated.  Many do want to be treated as people, and with some degree of respect.  But that isn't universally true... some what to be absolutely humiliated and degraded on a regular basis... some want to be objectified... some would love to be made a sex toy.  It pays to take the time to know who you are dealing with an sort out what they really want from what they just fantasize about.  That can be confusing, some don't know what they want and that can often lead to trouble.  I recently dealt with a slave who when I first met her fantasized about being kept in a basement as a sex toy.  Later that transformed into fantasies about being a "dog whore" (an that's all I'm saying about that due to TOS).  But these fantasies were in conflict with desire for personal achievement and other desires (much of which she was either to fearful or lazy to pursue on her own).  It became a confusing mess and did not end well.  My point being that if you want to keep a submissive, figure out what it is they really want and then consider whether you are both capable and willing to give it to them.  Don't take on a situation that doesn't suit you.  Don't take on a submissive with desires at odds with your own.  On the other hand, find someone who's desires fit within your own desired lifestyle, give them what deep down they expect and you'll discover they'll respect you for it.  Keep that very much in mind, its a rule of human behavior... we tend to respect those who match what we expect.  When someone doesn't match our expectations, we tend to disrespect them... this applies to dominants and submissives as with anyone else.


quote:

Be assertive. Not timid or aggressive.
Even though respect for their autonomy and right to consent is important, in my experiences, most submissive women are still looking for a guy who will assert control right off the bat and direct and handle how things are gonna go. It's possible to do that without being a rude, controlling asshole and it requires the art of being "assertive" and finding that happy medium between "Kneel, bitch!" and "Uh...excuse me, ma'am....pardon me, miss...could ya please....could ya suck my cock, please?"

"There's a new Chinese restaurant that just opened up. We should eat there. What do you think about that?"

"Well, I have work at 7 and you get out of class at 5 so let's meet for coffee at 6. How does that sound to you?"

Both show control and direction and leadership, but still are respectful of their opinion and consent. You don't have to be rude and overbearing to show how dominant you are.

Keep in mind expectations vary here (and what I said about expect and respect above).  I've known submissives who would view the above examples as all being "undomly" because they didn't match their own expectations... they expected to be told where to be, when to be there and what they would eat when they got there... as well as exactly what to wear.  I've also known submissives who would utterly balk at any of that.  Its a wide spectrum out there, so again, find someone who's expectations match who you are and how you wish to live.  Best way to do that is simply be who you are and see who is attracted to that.

quote:

 
People talk a lot about the "presence" or "aura" of dominance. Well, I've found that your vocal communication style is the most powerful way to express that dominant part of you and to be perceived as such. Once I got a handle on an assertive style of talking, it had a profound impact on my relations with submissive women.

Very true, as can be the way you generally interact with others, how you dress, how you present yourselves.  A man who enters a room with one or more people following him will always be perceived as more dominant than one who enters alone, who in turn seems more dominant than one who enters following someone else.  Most dominants ought to examine their lifestyle, their wardrobe, an their habits... and give them an overhaul where necessary.


quote:

Figure out what you want.
Your wants, your needs, what you like, what you don't like, what you want control over, what you don't want, what's expected of her, what your standards are, what rituals and protocols you like and want, and on and on and on. It takes some time and experience to figure all that out and it changes constantly, but still....understanding who YOU are and what YOUR relationship is gonna entail is important. Having a solid foundation and being able to clearly communicate what being with you will entail and what will be expected makes things go a lot smoother.

I cannot stress enough how important this is.  So let me be very blunt.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

Was that clear enough?


quote:

Have faith in yourself.
I say "faith" and not "confidence", because confidence takes a lifetime to develop. Depending on where you at in your life experience, you may have a lot or not a whole lot at all. In the absence of that, you going to have to do with just faith. If you don't believe that you can guide someone along this journey called "life" and make good decisions for yourself and them, nobody else is going to either.

An excellent point.

quote:

Transparency isn't a right. It's earned.
A lot of dominants, including myself, want transparency from their submissives. The complete honest truth with nothing held back. Some people seem to think this what they are entitled to and I find that to be pretty far from the truth. In my experiences, a lot of people lie and hold back things from their partners because they are afraid of how they are gonna react and not out of malice. Getting the honest truth every time from someone means proving that you can put on your big boy pants and take whatever it is they tell you without flipping your shit.

Also a good point, about which I'll add just two things.

First, transparency is fragile, not only can it be hard to develop, it can be easily destroyed.  Handle with care.

Second, transparency is sometimes overrated.  Don't rely on them always being open and honest with you, many of them won't be.  That isn't necessarly because they are trying to be deceptive... often it may be simple fear, bad habits or they just may not know how to express themselves.  Learn to read people better, get inside her head, if she can't be transparent invest in some "x-ray vision".  Pick up a few books on body language and the basics of human behavior, learn to understand why people do things, what motivates behavior... you'll find it invaluable.


quote:

Communication skills
Yeah, once again, communication, communication, communication. As someone who happens to have pretty shitty communication skills at times, I can personally attest that they are really important. You can find a whole host of books on Amazon.com on the subject and I suggest investing some money and doing a little research on just what being a "good communicator" is all about.

Again, good point.  I'll add only that would be dominants may want to focus in particular on books on leadership (John C Maxwell is one of my favorites and guess what, he talks a lot about communication), as well as a few books on building relationships and building trust.

quote:

Dance to your own beat.
Take advice from assholes like me with a little grain of salt. You might find some of this helpful, you might not, but all in all, nobody can tell you how to be "dominant". It's something unique and inside of you and how you express it and go about bringing it out is something only you can really figure out.

Again, good advice.  Be yourself and don't worry about living up to some mythical "dominant standard", no such thing exists.  As I said above, different submissives have different expectations.  Be who you are and find someone who respects that.  Same advice applies to submissives btw... be yourself and find a dominant who accepts that.  Any of us can put up a facade and pretend to be something we aren't for awhile... but eventually the reality shows through... when that happens six months into a relationship it can turn ugly.






_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 7:55:00 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
KoM,
 
i absolutely love this post and the themes of acceptance and knowing of self. So vital for both sides of the kneel...
 
j

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 8:04:52 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

. He is someone I consider to be an exceptional dominant


OH GOD.................  what an Ego Stroke!!!!!   just alittle more and I just might get off!!!!!!

oh baby!!!! keep it up!!!!!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 8:11:37 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

. He is someone I consider to be an exceptional dominant


OH GOD.................  what an Ego Stroke!!!!!   just alittle more and I just might get off!!!!!!

oh baby!!!! keep it up!!!!!


Oh yeah! You do me next! Do me next!

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/31/2008 8:15:22 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
LMAO

Do me Doms!!!

*posted with express permission from him....  lol

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 40
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