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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/12/2008 6:23:07 PM   

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Thanks for taking the time to contribute, Steel. Always appreciated.


Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/12/2008 6:41:40 PM   

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You make a lot of good points in your post MR, and you are right most new dominants have their heads firmly up their own rear ends.  However the responses you are getting here are from experience people who know all of this and agree with it.  Take two minutes to read your post with fresh eyes.
If you were a new dominant would you continue reading past the first few lines, or would you feel like you were being talked down to?  I read a lot of anger in your words, and I understand where it is coming from, I have seen too many people hurt by wannabes and neverwillbes to have any sympathy for their feelings.  Most of those men would be too macho to read your advice in the first place, but the few who do would certainly be put off by your tone.

I say bravo for the content, and if it was meant as a rant and not a guide, point well made.  However, if you want your words to do some real good, tone it down.  Treat your audience with the respect you want them to show others.  Take out the foul language, and offer advice rather than ultimatums.  In the end you will catch more flies with honey, and maybe you will make one of the wannabes into something more.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/12/2008 7:12:26 PM   

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I appreciate your concern, Skyfire and I promise it wasn't meant as a rant or something condescending. I made a point to knock myself a few times as not being anything unique or special in hopes of avoiding that interpretation.

While my writing style and way of expressing myself might not always be on par with your own or other peoples, I've found that when you really want people to listen and soak in what your saying, sometimes it's best to speak with intensity and a little bit of fire that stirs people up. Can it rub people the wrong way? Sure, but a humdrum, boring list of rehashed BDSM clich├ęs can do the same.

I much rather come off as someone speaking passionately, like a real human being, from personal experience then as someone naming off a collection of impersonal Yoda-like proverbs.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 9/12/2008 7:14:04 PM >


Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Skyfire)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/13/2008 12:44:46 AM   

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The irony, of course, in the slightly paranoid responses to MadRabbit's sharing of thought is that he specifically went out of his way to say:

Take advice from assholes like me with a little grain of salt.

Methinks some doth protest too much.

I'm not fond of "chicken soup for the soul" type nonsense, but this OP appears much more genuine and more an echo of actual self-reflection than that. Kudos.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 9/13/2008 12:45:43 AM >


"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/13/2008 5:49:23 AM   

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Maybe MadRabbit should write a book. Chicken soup for the Dominant's soul?



Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/13/2008 8:12:21 AM   

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Some people are in constant competition to see who is the biggest asshole. Sometimes they win because they are the only one competing.

No, I'm not saying all challenging statements or questions are from these people.


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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/13/2008 7:53:58 PM   

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The thing about criticism is that it's either constructive or destructive.  If you see that someone posts something inaccurate, correct the error.  Just saying, "Your post has no value, and -- by the way -- you're an attention whore," demonstrates to me one of two things: (1) either you don't care enough about other people to try to help them, or (2) you don't have the faintest idea how to give better advice, and you just want to slam someone.  The slam posters on this thread seem to be in situation (2).

Knowledge and experience will become apparent, because those who possess it can provide real-world, detailed advice about specific physical and psychological situations.  Even on an internet message board, it's not good enough just to talk a good game.  Ignorance shows.


Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to DomDolf)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/15/2008 11:06:28 AM   

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As a whole I think that's an excellent beginner's guide.  Yes, it is general, but I think that's necessary for this kind of writing.  Equally, while I fully take on board the arguments that some have made that certain of the suggestions made may not be applicable in certain situations, I don't think that's relevant.  I'd see it much like writing.  It's certainly possible to break the basic rules.  But you need to understand them first. 

Although to make a disclaimer of my own, I've used the terms "dom" and "sub" throughout this post as opposed to "master" and "slave".  No disrespect is intended by this.  It's simply that I've only got experience of the former so don't feel qualified to comment heavily on M/s relationships.  That said, I obviously hope some of this will still be of interest to the latter.


Treat them like human beings for fuck's sake!

As well as that, remember that subs are not some homogenous mass.  I think that's more of a danger for those with a small amout of experience.  Just because your previous sub was heavily into something does not mean that's the case for all subs. 


Transparency isn't a right. It's earned. Getting the honest truth every time from someone means proving that you can put on your big boy pants and take whatever it is they tell you without flipping your shit.

Spot on.  In my view, demanding total honesty is almost always counterproductive.  It can actually make the desired goal less likely, by making honesty feel artificial.  My personal experience is that this issue is best dealt with when total transparency is something that happens because it would feel unnatural if you didn't.  Also, a sense of perspective is crucial.  Sometimes a genuine apology is enough.  If you're still punishing your sub for leaving the lid off the toothpaste 3 months later, odds are they're going to be cautious about telling you about anything important.

A similar issue is that of those doms who want to be the primary, or even the only, support mechanism for their subs.  Again, this is absolutely going to be something you'll need to prove you can handle.  And be aware that you are actually taking on a hell of a lot.  If you promise emotional support that then doesn't materialise when it's needed, I'm dubious whether you can ever recover from that.

Finally, being a dom does not substitute for a personality.  Nor does it make up for  factors like having no charisma, a lack of personal hygeine or having the social intelligence of a rock.  On the last one, as a general rule, ask yourself this question (particuarly with subs who aren't actually subbing to you).  "If I wasn't a dom, would I consider this a socially acceptable approach?"  If your answer is "no", then it almost certainly isn't acceptable when you are.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/20/2008 7:42:34 PM   

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I like this a lot.
I'm new to Collarme (well - I was on briefly a few years ago, but that's another story), and I actually haven't seen this kind of common sense and humility together in a bdsm forum very often. At least not in some of the other forums I've frequented recently.
Those have tended to be more anonymous, and perhaps less formal, I guess.
It may seem like common sense, but I don't know if it's actually that common.
Thank you for taking the time to put it out there.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/21/2008 7:02:05 AM   

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Be yourself

Many have said this but I want to add a few things.  Desireable dominants just like desirable women are always in demand.  So the temptation is to do what is "marketable" etc.  Be yourself, you won't be happy with the woman who desires you because you imitated some bigshot, sure the first few blowjobs might be hot but when you have to talk to her in the morning, or want to be yourself you can't because that isn't why she is there.  You begin dancing to their drum, not yours.  The reward is that the women you really want, the ones who will still be making you happy years later will be attracted to exactly the man you are.   I could get more women by changing a few things but you have to decide if quality or quantity is your goal.  Being true to yourself will mean less women but it will also mean far better ones.

No surprises
This is sort of a corollary to "not just a slut but MY slut."  Make her the center of your universe.  BSB and I had our issues and she is normally a raging jealous bitch when the issue of other women come up be we never ever had that issue between her and I.  That is partly due to her growing and maturing as a woman but also because she never had a doubt that she was the most important woman in my life.  I did that by never ever surprising her with women, I told her when I met someone interesting, I kept her informed of what might happen and so she knew her place and theirs without a shadow of doubt. 

Understand duality
This is perhaps the hardest for some people to learn.  Understand that people can want to be one thing AND another.  She might want to be the classy woman at one point and a cum drenched heap another.  Yes she loves to be used but not all the time.  Yes she loves to be surprised but not all the time.  Learn how and why those buttons work because the better you can manipulate them the better time you will both have and the easier it is to turn the classy woman into your greedy little slut begging you to use her tongue.  You are in essence feeding portions of her personality, ignore one and she goes hungry, take care of all of them and she will reward you in ways you can't yet imagine.  People so struggle with this and it causes so many problems.  Yes, she will do "that" for you once or twice when you order it but if you are not feeding her at other times, it is going to go from "serving" to "drudgery" and that isn't going to last.

Pay attention
This dovetails with the above.  Watch her, listen to her voice, read her body, smell her and learn what she is telling you.  This is one of the things that separates the men from the boys.  This isn't the same as saying dote on her or react to what you notice but learn to understand what it means.  Listen for when her voice drops an octave and it means her cunt is dripping for you and perhaps whisper "NO" to her.  She then knows despite all the women in the room you KNOW her and you are denying her, two very hot things.  Without paying attention to where she is physically and emotionally at, you can't manipulate that duality to your advantage.  She feels important and valuable and that you GET her more than anyone else, and she knows YOU are giving her that.

Everyone says it and it is true but there are foundations that must be built.  Make it safe to talk about hard issues, don't react, don't throw tantrums, even if she tells you your dick is too small, Johnny turns her on, or she can't take your cock in her ass anymore because it is too big, or whatever.  We aren't honest with people because we fear their reactions, show her that your reaction is going to be love, care, concern, and consideration and she will slowly open and blossom for you like the rare flower she is. 

Have fun
Don't worry about "doing it right" if the two of you get off and have smiles on your faces, then you are doing it right even if it doesn't look like the picture in the book or if everyone does it differently. 

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 9/21/2008 7:04:48 AM >

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/21/2008 8:45:34 AM   

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I'll add one more lesson drawn from the last 18 months of my own life.  In many ways this goes back to what has already been said about being in control of your own life.

During the last 18 months I've been busy doing the following...
I bought a house which I gutted and remodelled into a beautiful 4 bedroom home.
I started a home improvement company which has employeed 8 people in addition to myself
I opened a coffee shop which employeed two people.
I chose to relocate and expand the coffee shop and double the number of employees.
I created a small real estate company
I helped two town councilmen become elected.
I became an honorary member of the local Jaycees
I was asked and am joining the local Elk's Lodge
I began working with two banks to create a company which would aid would-be home buyers in buying homes and obtaining mortgages.
I bought my first commercial property.
I founded a non-profit youth center
I buried two relatives
I became increasingly involved with the local town government
I became involved in various charity events
I adopted a cat
I tried to form a relationship with a slave.

Anyone care to guess one reason that relationship didn't work out?

Here's the lesson... in order to have a slave, submissive, companion, pet or whatever you want to call them... you have to have time for that relationship in your life.  My biggest mistake in the last 18 months was trying to begin a relationship with someone when I didn't really have time for it.  I was for too engaged with other things, too distracted and too drained emotionally and physically.  Any such relationship will put additional demands on your time, energy and resources... some will need more than others.  In my case, she needed much more attention than I could give at the time and that was part of why things didn't work out.  It is not something you should attempt unless you know you can reasonably expect to be able to do so.  Think things through, plan them out a bit first.  Consider how much it will cost you financially, but even more than that consider how you will handle it emotionally and mentally.  Ask for advice, bounce ideas off others, look before you leap.

Sure, I've got the beautiful four bedroom house and a well behaved cat... and the business are doing well... and the town considers me a pillar of the community... and that's all great.  But...

I'm still sitting here alone.

Consider it food for thought.



A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/21/2008 12:35:35 PM   

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ORIGINAL: Racquelle

Subs that don't get what they want don't stay. We sometimes like to talk big about what heartless, cruel, uncaring masters we are, and how our subs just have to do what we want...but in the end, our subs are consenting adults who seek something very specific as well, and if we don't do it for them, then they don't stick around.

This thing we do is playing at turning fantasy into reality. Very few of us would actually wish to keep a captured, non-consenting slave, and few of us wish to actually brutalize and damage other human beings. What makes this work is that we know we are all agreeing to take part, and want to play how we play.

I have often felt that if someone in the BDSM world can't step back and see what they do as at least one part ridiculous spectacle (and be able to laugh a little), they are taking it far too seriously, and robbing themselves of a great deal of enjoyment.

Thanks for posting this, because it shows a different way of looking at relationships and a different style.

I can't personally agree with the bolded part, because I find my power based relations to be very much grounded in reality and fueled by very realistic feelings and desires that are fulfilled by both people. There is no fantasy element involved.

I've been thinking about this since I read it yesterday.
It's made me think more about what kind of relationship I would want and what I enjoy.

Most of my D/s experience has been confined to "playtime" (-I was just watching a Jacques Tati movie by that name last night) - though that can be initiated by me anytime...but still, at the end of the day, my partner and I are still individuals to come and go freely as we choose.

I have had some experience where my partner and I wanted to continue to use those D/s forms outside of the bedroom, in our everyday lives, and we've both enjoyed that greatly. We both still had our own free will, but it feels like fantasy and reality do start to blur (in a pleasant way!) after doing that for a while.

Also, in terms of fantasy and reality, think of the old fashioned marriage vows (" honor, obey, cherish, til death do you part", etc.) Fantasy? reality? slavery?
I'm not sure where to draw the line there, either, at the moment.

The same could probably be said for military enlistment, incidently.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/21/2008 3:47:13 PM   

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When I first started on my journey into the lifestyle, I just wish this advice had been available. Of course the internet did not exist then ! Excellent advice and a great thread.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/21/2008 3:55:54 PM   

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Michael, you are awesome.

Welcome back.


Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/21/2008 5:15:24 PM   

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Thanks for the compliment, I do have my moments!

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/22/2008 10:36:56 AM   

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This is a good post and a good piece of writing BUT. It would apply to only to a certian segment of the people on here. I have been on here a while and met a lot of people from on here and from other sites. Im sure that a lot of them would read it and say a nice peice of fluff writing. There may be some that would conform to what you wrote but not many. People are individuals. Everyone has their own style. The part about controlling your sex drive is I think good advice.  I have several Domme/sub/slave friends who will tell you where to shove that advice. I think what you wrote has a lot of merit and should be a guide for any New Dom starting out. Use it as a starting point and add your own personality to it.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/22/2008 12:38:49 PM   

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Thankyou for posting that, it actually helped me along the way of alligning myself with a dominant role. Especially the part about being assertive, not timid or aggressive. I already phrase myself in the ways you mentioned. I've had practice with it, too. Ultimately, your ideas are a lot easier for me to fathom than the stereotypes one often gets about dominance.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 10/12/2008 10:59:23 PM   

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Excellent post!

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 10/13/2008 2:37:30 AM   

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Very good post! Bravo!

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 10/13/2008 11:25:19 AM   

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I wanted to comment on this part of your post because it is something that has occured to me when ever I read this forum. 
When I see people who are new to this asking for advice I see a lot of people saying things like.
"who is the dominant here?
"if you are the master why are you asking?'  ect... as if orientation equals knowlege. 
For me this goes along with my questions about why putting a tag on someone makes them more special. 
People learn things along the way.  Very few are savants who have an inate understanding of a particular one true way.  If there was a one true way, I doubt that it could be directed to every personality.
I am in computer repair.  I know that very well.  I can take them apart, diagnose issues, and solve problems.  But I came by this knowlege over time.  Ask me where to put oil in my car, or what kind I use, and I cannot tell you.  But my mechanic knows, and he learned over time.
I do not get why dominants or masters are thought of as having to know it all.  Or that someone they were this way from birth.   As a mom I can tell you, every 2-3 yr old DOES know their way is IT.  But... most grow up and learn that life does not revolve around them.  A dominant for me is not one who has maintained that 3 yr old inside him.  It is one who grows, adapts, and changes in order to make things work for him. 
I rarely answer questions about how to do this, how to be more confident, dominant, ect, because it is not my expertise.  But, I would hope that those who are in the know would offer advice and would understand that experience is not built in a vacuum.   And master, dominant, or not, each of us has to learn along the way.


Hey folks,

One of the common recurring threads I see in the Ask a Master section is new dominants asking for general advice about being a "dominant". Unfortunately, these threads often go neglected, unanswered, or when answered, given very ambiguous answers. I image a lot of this comes from the large variety of viewpoints and opinions we have here regarding what exactly a "dominant" is.

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