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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/1/2008 3:47:10 AM   
catize


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No one will ever manage to write the “BDSM Bible of Dominance/Submission”; there will always be people with additional thoughts to contribute, and that is a good thing.
That being said I found your post to be full of excellent points and suggestions; a wonderful point of reference where you allow the reader to proceed to expand on what works for them.  
 I won’t derail the thread with my own experiences with people I’ve met who are clueless regarding the following,but:
quote:

 Get a handle on your sex drive. Women are basically a walking collection of fetish objects given to them by nature in order to charm, arouse, and attract the male of the species. The cleavage, ass, hair, skin, and eyes of feminine beauty have a powerful influence over the male and the desire and pursuit of such beauty has a well documented history of causing men to act in stupid, pathetic, and foolish ways.

Understanding the effect that the body of a women has on a man and getting a handle on that drive is incredibly important. Why? Because as a general rule, submissive women who are looking for a male authority figure in their intimate relationships DO NOT respect men who will allow their will to bend, be manipulated, and alter in order to get their dicks wet. If you willing to sell out your pride and dignity in order to chase pussy and "score", then your royally fucked.

Don't be like the other guys. You gotta be a bit more than that if you want to control a woman.  

That was Priceless!

< Message edited by catize -- 9/1/2008 3:55:55 AM >


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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/1/2008 6:00:54 AM   
GreedyTop


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LMAO kyra!!

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/1/2008 7:04:25 AM   
CruelDesires


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Great thread.

I would only add to the "new dominants" that they get back what they put into their relationships with submissive's. To spell it out, if you build a relationship with someone and the foundation stones of that relationship is built on lies and deceit and untruths, don't be surprised and whine when that relationship crumbles down around your ears like a cheap house of cards. You get back from it what you put into it. 

C-D

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/1/2008 7:13:01 AM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

LMAO

Do me Doms!!!

*posted with express permission from him....  lol


Fucking right!  Bitch!!!!   so DO ME!!!!  I have needddddddddddddddssssssssss to be stroked!!!

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/1/2008 2:26:22 PM   
MrRodgers


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

But since this is a website for kink-oriented people, and this forum is geared towards the D types....

sure it's good advice for all of life.

Not everyone has ever gotten any or all of this advice.

And sometimes, I've noticed, some of the new people seem to forget that they are a person first, dealing with others who are people first.

Sometimes, it helps to see/hear it.

You are basically correct but my point is that all of these relationships and more existed before the net and one could write this advice for ALL of life and simply change the demographic you are trying to reach with the blog site upon which one writes.

And yes it is good advice put together but no different then those hard covers back in the day on a basic level on how to be a man and how to treat people in general while applying a deference to D/s or M/s and simply changing the context we choose here because this is a kinky (D/s) web site.

I am sure there are volumes of advice all throughout written history that one could compile and bring here and offer something so there is really nothing new at all...except that is IS the Internet and we deal with emails and profiles at the start...not people. 

Dealing with people required learning all of this before reading it anywhere...or back then, it sent you to the books while in the school of hard knocks until you do learn.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/1/2008 3:43:43 PM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers
Dealing with people required learning all of this before reading it anywhere...or back then, it sent you to the books while in the school of hard knocks until you do learn.


Except here we are on the web, and questions are being asked on the web, so MR was cool enough to share his thoughts with us on the web. 

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/1/2008 6:34:26 PM   
Nitefalls1000


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not bad

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/1/2008 6:43:16 PM   
Padriag


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

Dealing with people required learning all of this before reading it anywhere...or back then, it sent you to the books while in the school of hard knocks until you do learn.

And your point?

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/2/2008 6:29:30 AM   
StudFL


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Good points, Id only disagree with the part on confidence, doesn't take as long to develop as you might think.

Peace.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/2/2008 6:37:08 AM   
MrRodgers


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

Dealing with people required learning all of this before reading it anywhere...or back then, it sent you to the books while in the school of hard knocks until you do learn.

And your point?

You don't meet people on the net or in books (the suggestion was to read) you meet words on paper or on a computer screen. The point is one never knows how they are going to feel about a person for almost any relationship let alone anything like D/s or M/s...until you actually meet them.

To truly know how you are or they are...requires learning it from life...not in generic blogoboard advice or library advice but from the school of hard knocks.


< Message edited by MrRodgers -- 9/2/2008 6:38:26 AM >

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/2/2008 4:32:24 PM   
catize


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No question that hands on experience is a great way to learn.  However, reading about other’s experience and thoughts has helped me develop a philosophy about the way I want this to work in my life.  Nothing wrong with examining a new slant, or even an old idea, that is presented in a new way.  Neither one of the D’s in my life participates on the forum here but many a lively conversation has begun when I mention something I have read. 

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/2/2008 6:00:47 PM   
MadRabbit


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

Dealing with people required learning all of this before reading it anywhere...or back then, it sent you to the books while in the school of hard knocks until you do learn.


Why, of course, I agree completely. Why when I was younger, I crawled into bed one night and picked up the works of Epicetus, but quickly through it up against the wall, frustrated, and crying out "Damn it! I just cannot benefit from the Stoic wisdom of this man on how to deal with people and life, because he is not here to tie me to my bed and spank me!"

But...seriously....I did read it and I did learn a lot of powerful insights that I took and applied to my life. Of course, they were just concepts and really quite useless until they were sharpened and honed via application and experience, but without them, my interactions with the world would have been a lot worse.

So, based on my experiences, a more accurate statement would be "We can learn insights and ideas from books and writings on how to deal with life and with people, but only by appling them and fine tuning them through hard knocks can they ever be useful."

I don't quite get the point of this nor why you feel the need to try and negate the value of what is being written with a "Oh, it's so generic and so applicable anywhere." I guess maybe your one of those guys who has a problem with anyone, but you, sharing wordly wisdom (particularly people younger than you). Kind of reminds me of that one guy of work who is so threatened by anyone doing anything more constructive than him and just has to say something to put it down to save face.

Chill out a bit. You can say it's nothing but precanned rubbish, but it's worked pretty well for me so far in how I have conducted myself.

I look forward to hearing you reply to me directly this time as opposed to just talking over my head

And maybe you can submit something positive to this thread besides warping my words.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 9/2/2008 6:02:49 PM >


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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/2/2008 10:32:44 PM   
theq


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
Dance to your own beat. Take advice from assholes like me with a little grain of salt. You might find some of this helpful, you might not, but all in all, nobody can tell you how to be "dominant". It's something unique and inside of you and how you express it and go about bringing it out is something only you can really figure out.


I'm a bit relieved to learn (once again) I'm not the only asshole out there who is willing to admit to the fine quality of being a bit of an asshole. Here's to you, fellow asshole. Good advise to boot.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/3/2008 5:58:43 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

The point is one never knows how they are going to feel about a person for almost any relationship let alone anything like D/s or M/s...until you actually meet them.


Actually... such a universl comment is not accurate at all.  I knew exactly how I felt about Kyra before I meet her.  We had chatted and talked on the phone over the course of several months.  By the time she travelled to meet me. I felt an intense love for her and she for me... but we never actually admitted that love to each other until we met.

Now... just because I knew how I felt... doesn't mean that I trusted those feelings.  In fact... even after we met we didn't immediately trust those feelings.... but we knew they where there before we met.   We had the feelings... but it took to know if the feelings where justified.

I don't think it is a question of not knowing how you will feel until you meet... its more a question can you even trust those feelings.  Regardless of how a person comes in contact with another... very seldom do we trust those immediate feelings we have of the person.  It generally takes time to trust those feelings.. and maybe even trust that the feeling will be responded to in a equally positive way.  I have yet to see a relationship that has endured that trusts and has the same strength of feelings they had in the beginning as they have after a significant length of time.  The bonds get stronger in heallthy relationship.... status quo just doesn't seem to do justice to it.    Secondly... this strength of bond can't be simply compared to other relationships.  Relationships are very unique and how we feel about them is equally unique.  I have been in a relationship with Alandra for over 20 years and I know that my bond to her is stronger today that it was 20 years ago.  Kyra has been in my life for about 3 years and I also know that our bond is stronger now that when we first met... but comparing is not possible.   They are uniquely seperate and tied to each other at the same time.  the bond is not something that can just be objectively assessed like measuring the length of time I am in the relationship.  It is so much more complicated than that.   It not alot different than my kids actually.... I can't compare the bond I have with one kid to another... I only know with each pasting day... I grow to know more.. and as such.. we can become closer together compared to yesterday.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/3/2008 6:39:11 PM   
Padriag


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I'd add something about someone being a curmudgeon with nothing positive to contribute... but really, that isn't what this thread is about.  Its about a very good intentioned and well thought out attempt by one person to pull together something that various newbies might actually find useful, helpful and illuminating.  An seeing as how I think that ought to remain the focus, I'll just emphasize how much of a good and positive idea that is rather than shifting the focus to some bitter individual who couldn't think of anything useful to say.  So, on with the helpful an useful advice.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/3/2008 10:36:15 PM   
DomDolf


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More advice for new dominants.

These will be general statements and may seem to be advanced concepts for someone that may feel overwhelmed already by all the information they are taking in. Don't get overwhelmed. Relax and take it in as you can.

Be prepared to stand your ground- This is more of an extension of MR's "Dance to your own beat". There will be many people that will speak against you and your ways, they will challenge your position. Always look for a greater understanding of all aspects of any situation. People that argue with people that don't matter are generally not achieving anything. People that discuss or debate with positive motives are good for honing and solidifying your views. There are people that I disagree with 90 out of 100 times, but there are ten times where they bring ups something that I identify with or had not thought of. If I dismiss them completely then there are those few times that I could have gained and chose not to.

Before engaging in immature arguments think about what you have to gain from doing it. Standing your ground means to not allow someone to move you and does not require forward (aggressive) movement on your part.

Be prepared to change your views- Do not get so wrapped up in being right that you become foolish. A good man admits when he is wrong. You will gain more respect by admitting that you were wrong or have learned something new that helped change your view. Being dominant doesn't mean you stop making mistakes or stop learning.

In everything there is a lesson- It may not be a positive lesson, but there is a lesson in everything. Whether it reinforces what you already suspect/know in a broader sense or there is a more tuned lesson about the person/people and the situations involving them there is a lesson. You should look at everything you experience in life as an opportunity to gain a greater understanding of people, situations, psychology, cause and effect, etc.

Pay attention to the details- There is a lot to be understood in the details. Like commas changing the meaning of a sentence there are great amounts of information in the details. Everything your submissive says is important. Look at her when you speak. Watch the eyes, the corners of the mouth the jaw muscles, the ear twitches, her brow, the position of the hands, the hips, the tilt of her head, the movement of her feet, tightening of her muscles, watch everything. Get to know her habits. Learn what to expect from her. Get to where you can predict just about everything she will do in a given situation. Discern normal from unusual actions, speech or behaviors. If anything changes look for the reasons why. Don't necessarily ask her why she is standing that way, try to figure it out and then ask questions that will qualify your thoughts. Also ask disqualifying questions. This sharpens your abilities, you are training yourself. Don't put yourself in a position likely to allow you to forget. Remembering is a sign that it matters to you. Once in a while you will forget, but it shouldn't be often enough for your submissive to believe that you are a forgetful person. The details are not just surrounding your submissive. Recognizing the details in everything in your life will go a long way in promoting positive growth for you. This assumes that you are not a paranoid person.

Cause and affect- Be aware of the causes and affects behind everything you say and do. Everything has a cause and a result. Become aware of patterns in these relations. The more you observe and learn what to expect in situations the better you will do in all aspects of your life. Think before you act. For example you should have rational reasoning before you punish your submissive. I generally view punishment as a result of failure on my part to be an effective and wise leader. LuckyAlbatross wrote something in another thread that I have found to be sadly true- "But in general most doms just don't know how to deal with real problems so they walk away until the sub is scared enough to shut up about it and act like it's not really a problem." The result in that situation will not be good, I can almost guarantee it. Take the time to do the right thing. Think of the results of your actions.

Possibly more to come.

Dolf




< Message edited by DomDolf -- 9/3/2008 11:18:19 PM >

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/4/2008 9:46:09 AM   
MadRabbit


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Thanks Dolf for contributing more great advice and thanks Padriag for keeping me in check

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Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/4/2008 10:03:47 AM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Actually... such a universl comment is not accurate at all.  I knew exactly how I felt about Kyra before I meet her.  We had chatted and talked on the phone over the course of several months.  By the time she travelled to meet me. I felt an intense love for her and she for me... but we never actually admitted that love to each other until we met.

Now... just because I knew how I felt... doesn't mean that I trusted those feelings.  In fact... even after we met we didn't immediately trust those feelings.... but we knew they where there before we met.   We had the feelings... but it took to know if the feelings where justified.

I don't think it is a question of not knowing how you will feel until you meet... its more a question can you even trust those feelings.  Regardless of how a person comes in contact with another... very seldom do we trust those immediate feelings we have of the person.  It generally takes time to trust those feelings.. and maybe even trust that the feeling will be responded to in a equally positive way.  I have yet to see a relationship that has endured that trusts and has the same strength of feelings they had in the beginning as they have after a significant length of time.  The bonds get stronger in heallthy relationship.... status quo just doesn't seem to do justice to it.    Secondly... this strength of bond can't be simply compared to other relationships.  Relationships are very unique and how we feel about them is equally unique.  I have been in a relationship with Alandra for over 20 years and I know that my bond to her is stronger today that it was 20 years ago.  Kyra has been in my life for about 3 years and I also know that our bond is stronger now that when we first met... but comparing is not possible.   They are uniquely seperate and tied to each other at the same time.  the bond is not something that can just be objectively assessed like measuring the length of time I am in the relationship.  It is so much more complicated than that.   It not alot different than my kids actually.... I can't compare the bond I have with one kid to another... I only know with each pasting day... I grow to know more.. and as such.. we can become closer together compared to yesterday.


For what it's worth, I thought this was an awesome post, and helps to dissway all those claims of, "Until you meet it's all just a fantasy and not real."  You make a great point that I don't think I've ever seen on these boards.  You can indeed have very real feelings about somebody, based on what is shared - whether in their presence or not.  Trusting those feelings is a different issue, entirely.  Thank you for pointing that out.  It makes so much sense to me.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/5/2008 10:35:59 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

For what it's worth, I thought this was an awesome post, and helps to dissway all those claims of, "Until you meet it's all just a fantasy and not real."  You make a great point that I don't think I've ever seen on these boards.  You can indeed have very real feelings about somebody, based on what is shared - whether in their presence or not.  Trusting those feelings is a different issue, entirely.  Thank you for pointing that out.  It makes so much sense to me.


well... I am not so sure about awesome...  but thank you.  I am sure somewhere idea has been put out there before.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 9/12/2008 11:36:41 AM   
SteelofUtah


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Please forgive my being more than fashionably late but after reading in on this thread and then re reading it I have a few things to say.

First to quote my Grandfather "People used to living in Glass Houses are accustomed to throwing stones, you see they know exactly where to throw them."

Took me awhile to understand that little gem of wisdom. In the BDSM lifestyle, or Life in General, or the Melting Pot Party Bus or whatever you wanna call it there are always people who want to see the broken pane rather then the glass house. FrankAr pointed out the generic tone of the post (I disagree MadRabbit is far from generic) rather than address the post itself. Sure we can speculate that perhaps it is the Gorean Philosophy that brought Frank to make the comment he did or maybe it's just Frank is assustomed to living in glass houses and so he knows where to throw the stones. The Places the windows are already broken. Either way the point remains on a regular basis people ask the question, how in the holy hell do I do this?

Truth is most of us don't know. The reason that these questions get ignored or unanswered is because of the things that MR points out. Most of this takes getting a hold of yourself and refraining from the desire to be a letch.

Lets be honest even if this lifestyle doesn't involve sex for everyone this is a VERY SEXUALLY PROVOCATIVE Lifestyle and if I am to be completely honest it was one of the drawing factors I encountered when I discovered it at 16. Oddly enough I hear similar stories from those who discover it at 40 and 50.

MadRabbit hits the proverbial nail on the head when he points out that one should not treat them like fuck toys, this is good advice. In MY PERSONAL OPINION (Everyone saw that right?) female slaves don't really want to be JUST a fuck toy, No I haven't forgotten about those that do and you know who you are, but there is something deeper that that as well, I find that many submissive women really want to be appreciated for what they do, even knowing that no matter thier Masters command they will comply, there is this need for them to know that thier Master actually WANTS them there.

I had it explaind to me this way when I was coming into my own. Women are NOT dogs, A dog can be beaten and feared into submission and with something as simple as a belly rub all is forgotten and the dog will forgive, a mistreated dog will fear it's Master's Wrath and attempt obedience out of fear of retaliation. A woman on the other hand, she gets to choose who she is with and if you don't offer her a good situation then what desire dows she have to stay or even start a relationship in the first place.

I am Demanding as a Dominant. I know this. So why does andi stay? I hope it is because what I give back to her is worth as much or more than what she gives to me in her surrender, and no I don't mean in Bed or with a whip I mean the other 85% of the time when it is just us, no toys, no expressed power dynamic when it is just me and just her and she continues to surrender to me and I continue to be worth her surrender.

What advice do I think New Dominants need? Stop, Sit Back, and Discover Yourself. Learn the kind of person you and and discover the kind of Dominant you want to be, and when you have done that then try to understand what being submissive to you would be like. I OFTEN ask myself, if I were a submissive ... would I want to be with Me?

MadRabbit I wish I could offer more but it would only be repeating your already well spoken words, I only hope that what I said added to it and not destracted from it.

If you are new to this lifestyle I suggest you take a little stock into the OP as it is factual and true in all that it is.

As Always

Steel

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Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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