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Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you want!,... - 5/23/2010 6:48:30 AM

Posts: 8070
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Now and then I like to look at threads I started 5 years ago and see how things have changed. In looking at one entitled Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you want!, I noticed that we got a lot of great responses, but more importantly, all the boys have changed. Not only that, I've changed as I'm more likely to call them men than boys now, but that's a whole other thread ;-)

So I'm going to repost the exact same questions today and see what kind of responses we get. As like last time, this question is addressed to male subs more specifically but in collarme tradition, everyone is welcomed to chime in.

More often the not, you hear about the expectations that Dommes have of male subs. Let's turn the tables now and see what kind of responses we get.

What motivates you to be submissive?

Why do you identify yourself that way?

What are you searching for in a Domme?

What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Domme?

What is the hardest part of being a male sub?

What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Domme?

What are you biggest fears when meeting a Domme?

What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 7:26:35 AM

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Joined: 5/21/2010
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What motivates you to be submissive?
Compassion motivates me. I know how hard it is for dominant women to find men to dominate. If I can ease the burden of just one desperate Mistress, then it will be worth all the effort I put into typing my profile.

Why do you identify yourself that way?
So that other people will know.

What are you searching for in a Domme?
Emotional instability

What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Domme?
The ability to state the same question twice in a row in slightly different ways.

What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
The utter lack of demand.

What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Domme?
The futility of approaching a Domme.

What are you biggest fears when meeting a Domme?
I have no fears.

What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes?And do you feel they are often overlooked?
I have an egalitarian character. None of my traits are more equal than others. All are equally overlooked.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 7:31:53 AM

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Joined: 4/24/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wtf4lol

What motivates you to be submissive?
Compassion motivates me. I know how hard it is for dominant women to find men to dominate. If I can ease the burden of just one desperate Mistress, then it will be worth all the effort I put into typing my profile.

Why do you identify yourself that way?
So that other people will know.

What are you searching for in a Domme?
Emotional instability

What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Domme?
The ability to state the same question twice in a row in slightly different ways.

What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
The utter lack of demand.

What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Domme?
The futility of approaching a Domme.

What are you biggest fears when meeting a Domme?
I have no fears.

What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes?And do you feel they are often overlooked?
I have an egalitarian character. None of my traits are more equal than others. All are equally overlooked.

Ah ha, nice.

(in reply to wtf4lol)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 8:27:04 AM

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Joined: 4/24/2010
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I don't want to get my start in these forums by crapping on what will likely be a good thread (not that I disapprove of this -- I just found that guy's answers amusing) so here's my contribution:

What motivates you to be submissive?
Motivation would imply that there is a conscious decision to feel compelled to one direction or the other. I started to realize my preference for submission to dominant women in my teenage years although this has never translated to my professional or everyday personality. I find myself leading in every other aspect of my life but have a strong desire for submission away from work/friends/family.

I see divergent philosophical implications as well. Participating in activities not shared by the main stream has some novel aspects. I have a (perhaps strange) perception that a dom/sub relationship destroys both participants humanity and makes them something different -- something better.

Why do you identify yourself that way?
I want to be told what to do and to have things done to or by me that pleases my partner regardless of my immediate feelings. It may seem paradoxical but "going along for the ride" in a sense would satisfy the extent of my participation in things.

What are you searching for in a Domme?
I'm searching for one who is searching for one like me.

What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Domme?
Similar age (somewhat younger or older is not a factor). Solid grasp of the English language. High intelligence. Knows what she wants and is willing to take/get it. Not completely insane but being a little twisted helps.

What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
Being a submissive male has traditionally been looked down upon by most socities for ages. Keeping this aspect of my life private while interacting with other interested people in public ways (such as posting on an internet forum).

What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Domme?
Over the years I've talked to many dommes and met a few from online. The overwhelming challenge seems to be the massive disparity in the number of dommes to subs online.

Additionally, things that work when "picking up" women outside of a D/s context don't appear to be quite as effective.

What are you biggest fears when meeting a Domme?
I can't say that I have any particular fears aside from the obvious ones of dealing with people online. Encountering men who posed as women, criminal ambushes and so on.

What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
My greatest strengths and attributes are my intelligence, ability to get things done and my INTJ reluctant (yet effective) leadership. These qualities are not often valued in society, much less in personal relationships (with the caveat that both partners on a similar level will appreciate a deeper understanding of things).

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 9:01:13 AM

kboii

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/23/2010
From: Clearwater, Fl
Status: offline

i also don't care for cyber-drama, and was writing a response to this before there was even a post under it ( it takes me a while to be able to express what i think ), and just figured i'd leave it here for anyone. It's my first post on these forums, and i hope i stayed on topic!

What motivates you to be submissive?

Others.

There are so many people in the world that the chances of me meeting someone as unique as myself are very slim. Normally this kind of horn-tooting is reserved for the most hidden narcissistic pieces of myself, but this time it is not for me; it's for You.

Being around the Internet and delving into the scene has shown me a lot of people who just don't seem to be as deep into it as i am, or just seem to be in it for themselves. ( or they seem to be confused on the role They play )

I'm not in this for my happiness. Well, i am, but no.

i am in this so that i may bring others happiness, and feel completed by doing so. That is what makes me smile, and fills my heart.

So what really motivates me to be submissive is the people who genuinely seek that kind of companionship out.

People looking for a sub to spoil, punish, and to love.

Why do you identify yourself that way?

Even before i found my role in the D/s world, my personality is equally submissive without my conscious being aware of it ( though now it is ).

To site a few examples:

1)Formal. Always showing respect
2)Courteous. Always jumping to a task, or willing to assist
3)Devoted. Not afraid of manual labor, always finishes tasks with a smile
4)Driven. When i know the outcome is merit in myself, i strive till the end
5)Willing. There are about no limits when it comes to what i will do for You.

Following these principles i got drafted into being a Lifestyle sub for a former Master, and fell in love with my role as a submissive. There was not enough that i could do for Per, and i have never known a better bliss than when we were together.

That is not to say that i have not had a good share in the D/s world on the D side of things. That was prolly the turning point for me, actually.

Having sessions with participants it seemed that the further i went along - the more i wished to be in the reverse role. And the more sessions that i had looking for submissive's that were more like me created a bunch of holes in my thought process.

Then, during select sessions the quality of subs were starting to decrease, and i started thinking “if it were me”. After starting to think that way; the hunger to serve finally got the best of me and i found the role that makes me happiest.

What are you searching for in a Domme?

A mutual understanding.

Searching for someone who knows what they want, and can relay that beyond a reason of a doubt to their sub, knowing limitations and stretching them to the breaking point.

i am a creature of habit, and love a routine. It does not matter what it entails, if it will make You happy. However: If You are doing it just to do it, then that is not as much fun to either party.

Ultimately, i am looking for a Dom that will understand me, and my needs ( which include mostly just You ).

If You can truly master that, then i will conveniently lose myself in Your direction

What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Domme?

Qualities:

1)Commanding / Assertive
2)Loving / Compassionate
3)Understanding / Driven

Attributes ( although some remedial ):

1)Sweet, built, and tall
2)Dom Top, Mild Sadist
3)BDSM: Restraints, leatherwear etc.

What is the hardest part of being a male sub?

A hard question to answer, honestly.

The hardest part for me is finding a compatible partner.

i feel as if i am somehow different from the herd, and have developed standards that are difficult for most to reach. … yet at the same time i have also been so lonely and desperate that I've been with some people that i would never have in a hundred years, thinking there might be something under the exterior that hits the spot.

The sub role? I'd say finding someone who can differentiate between the situations.

If it's scene-play, then everything that is not related needs to be dropped immediately, and things do not necessarily need to linger past that.

In Lifestyle it's for the win. All day, everyday.

The hardest part of being a sub for me, is being alone.

What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Domme?

i am usually faced with the challenge of being able to relay all that i am, through the spoken word.

Its easy for me to start conversation;
Easy to say: “hey! I'm a sub!”
However it's not as easy to tell someone “i believe i am what You are looking for”

Other than that, its my appearance. 6'5”.

What are you biggest fears when meeting a Domme?

That all depends on the situation, really.

Out at the BDSM clubs:

i see You looking my direction, and i see the look in Your eyes. i see Your outfit, and i can feel my own mental arousal at the mere thoughts of You … but i don't know You, although i'd like to ;)

I'm not the type to meet someone and go “Oh sure! Lets go to Your place!” - as that is a fear.

A pre-arranged meeting:

A fear?

Knowing that there is a chance that You don't know what You say You do. Is it scary, or fearful?

Not really. More of a letdown.

What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?

Strengths:
Complete Life-Style Submission
Scene-Play Submission
Memory
Devotion

Attributes:
Loyal
Honest
Devoted ( i know i already mentioned it )
Driven
Willing

They are overlooked on what seems to be a daily basis, ( i'm single, heh ), but when in a 'relationship' it seems that i am one of the favorites when the topic comes up, and have been told by many people:

“Don't change, Keith. There is someone out there that deserves you, as much as you deserve them.”

That decision i leave onto others, and continue to look for someone that i can share myself with.

< Message edited by kboii -- 5/23/2010 9:39:06 AM >

(in reply to youascend)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 10:50:50 AM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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Well youascend and kboii, can I say how absolutely thrilled to see that you've both made your first post on this thread. I also very much appreciate you being so candid with your answers.

Here are a few responses to what particularly spoke to me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: youascend

quote:

What motivates you to be submissive?

Motivation would imply that there is a conscious decision to feel compelled to one direction or the other. I started to realize my preference for submission to dominant women in my teenage years although this has never translated to my professional or everyday personality. I find myself leading in every other aspect of my life but have a strong desire for submission away from work/friends/family.

Most men I have dated have been similar. The D/s part is really in the intimacy and not in every day life. I personally prefer it that way too.

quote:

I see divergent philosophical implications as well. Participating in activities not shared by the main stream has some novel aspects. I have a (perhaps strange) perception that a dom/sub relationship destroys both participants humanity and makes them something different -- something better.

I'd really appreciate it if you expanded on this point a bit further. I think I have an idea of what you are saying, but not 100% clear.

quote:

ORIGINAL: youascend
What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
Being a submissive male has traditionally been looked down upon by most socities for ages. Keeping this aspect of my life private while interacting with other interested people in public ways (such as posting on an internet forum).

Is one of the reasons you need to keep this part of your life so private is because of public impressions or is it really about the intimacy?

Why do you identify yourself that way?

quote:

ORIGINAL: kboii
Even before i found my role in the D/s world, my personality is equally submissive without my conscious being aware of it ( though now it is ).

To site a few examples:

1)Formal. Always showing respect
2)Courteous. Always jumping to a task, or willing to assist
3)Devoted. Not afraid of manual labor, always finishes tasks with a smile
4)Driven. When i know the outcome is merit in myself, i strive till the end
5)Willing. There are about no limits when it comes to what i will do for You.

I've been known to lure a few vanilla men to D/s and one of the ways I've found them was by noticing exactly these traits in their personalities.

quote:

quote:

What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?

Strengths:
Complete Life-Style Submission
Scene-Play Submission
Memory
Devotion

Attributes:
Loyal
Honest
Devoted ( i know i already mentioned it )
Driven
Willing

They are overlooked on what seems to be a daily basis, ( i'm single, heh ), but when in a 'relationship' it seems that i am one of the favorites when the topic comes up, and have been told by many people:

“Don't change, Keith. There is someone out there that deserves you, as much as you deserve them.”

That decision i leave onto others, and continue to look for someone that i can share myself with.

Those many people are right. I have the same philosophy about my life. I've been single for over a year and a half and it is by choice, as I will not settle for anything other than the relationship that is right for me.

You are lucky, you have wise friend :-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to kboii)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 10:53:59 AM

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Joined: 3/9/2007
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Let's all get in line for you........sheesh. Welcome to the boards. Good luck, I think you might need it.

_____________________________

On the bitch-o-meter scale of 1 to 10, I am an 11.

When in doubt of what course of action to take, look to my name for guidance.

(in reply to wtf4lol)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 10:56:27 AM

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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This is a great thread! If subs are reading this and want to respond but feel that there are too many questions and it would take too long, maybe just answer one or two of them.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 10:58:36 AM

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

This is a great thread! If subs are reading this and want to respond but feel that there are too many questions and it would take too long, maybe just answer one or two of them.

Akasha

Quite right. Though they'll get cookies for answering them all ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 1:44:57 PM

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you guys are impressive, seriously - i think the male sub to some extent has been steeped in mystery for me - ive frequently, rightly or wrongly, got the impression that male subs can be very complicated - and frankly, with the recent thread thats just gone up with a guy shouting out his needs to us - well, sometimes some guys come through about their immediate physical needs and not so much about where those needs come from and why.

i hope you dont mind me saying all of that, ive tried not to be clumsy - bit out of my depth here, but i just think you guys are awesome!

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 1:48:09 PM

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
i hope you dont mind me saying all of that, ive tried not to be clumsy - bit out of my depth here, but i just think you guys are awesome!

Now do you see why I have fallen madly in love with one or two of "their kind"? ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to lally2)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 1:54:30 PM

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Joined: 4/16/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
i hope you dont mind me saying all of that, ive tried not to be clumsy - bit out of my depth here, but i just think you guys are awesome!

Now do you see why I have fallen madly in love with one or two of "their kind"? ;-)

- LA

i absolutely can!

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 2:02:50 PM

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Now do you see why I have fallen madly in love with one or two of "their kind"? ;-)

Wow, doesn't seem like much of a question to me. You show me someone who is "loyal", "honest", "devoted", "driven" and "willing" and I'd find it pretty easy to fall in love with them too. I'd like to believe those same words describe me -- yes, including the "willing" part.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 2:31:29 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Now do you see why I have fallen madly in love with one or two of "their kind"? ;-)

Wow, doesn't seem like much of a question to me. You show me someone who is "loyal", "honest", "devoted", "driven" and "willing" and I'd find it pretty easy to fall in love with them too. I'd like to believe those same words describe me -- yes, including the "willing" part.

I think you missed the point of the exchange between lally2 and I entirely.

lally2 had not seen this side of submissive men before and this post let her see it. My question to her was a cute, joking reply to show her that this is where the attractive value of submissive men lay for me. She knew what I meant and understood (see her response).

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to leadership527)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 2:32:53 PM

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Joined: 1/17/2008
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What motivates me to be submissive? Willingness to serve
Why do you identify yourself that way? From my earliest recollections as a child, i have always served Women and been very respectful and submissive, from holding the door for Women constantly from seven to 15 and in later years letting the Woman go first etc,
What are you searching for in a Domme? Currently not searching but open to offers
What are the qualities that i look for in a Domme? Kind, compassionate, demanding, strict, honest, loving
What is the hardest part of being a male sub? Being alone, being judged by some Dommes, feeling let down at times by personal failures
What kind of challenges do i face when attempting to approach a Domme/? Nervousness, shyness, yes i know i am actually very shy publically if not on these boards, but in a group situation with Women i can be very shy and quiet, i sometimes blush, im afraid sometimes i ll say the wrong thing or it will be taken the wrong way etc, i didnt speak to many people at all at the fetish night, i only speak when spoken to
What are your biggest fears in meeting a Domme? failing Her in some way, being punished
What do i believe to be my best strengths and attributes? Good communication skills, good sense of humour, friendly nature, sometimes this can be overlooked as lack of assertiveness
kevin

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 2:42:23 PM

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OK, so I definitely am confused (not that that's a particularly unusual happening)... I thought that's what I was reading and basically agreeing with wholeheartedly. Are we stuck in one of those weird internet vortexes where meanings keep getting garbled? *laughs*

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 2:45:03 PM

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

OK, so I definitely am confused (not that that's a particularly unusual happening)... I thought that's what I was reading and basically agreeing with wholeheartedly. Are we stuck in one of those weird internet vortexes where meanings keep getting garbled? *laughs*

Could be! Ok, I guess when I read "Wow, doesn't seem like much of a question to me." I thought you were critiquing the question. I didn't note the sarcasm. Now I get it and I get that you got it and we are all good ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to leadership527)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 4:05:04 PM

OrpheusAgonistes

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Joined: 3/29/2010
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quote:

What motivates you to be submissive?

There are those haunting lines from Aeschylus in the Oresteia:

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God

Garish. Turgid. Melodramatic. But undeniably beautiful.

My understanding of romantic impulses has always involved the willingness to put oneself under the power of a woman. When I was a kid and heard stories about how knights rescued princesses from dragons and black wizards, I always thought the knights and the princesses were utterly daft. It was clear that she wanted to see the knight suffer a little for her, it was clear the knight wanted to suffer a little bit for her. Why not have the princess lock the knight in a dungeon and test him herself and cut out the giant reptiles and vengeful sorcerers altogether?

The dynamic with a dominant woman, when it works, is structured similarly. I want to be in her hands. I want to please her and to show my devotion. She likes to have men in her power, likes to see men suffer to please her. She's aware that, on some visceral level, I'm pretty conflicted about subjugating my ego and appetites to anyone and that the act of submission, though it's how I naturally show devotion to a woman, also chafes and bites at my psyche. This doesn't repel her--it delights her and her delight at this deepest of discomforts is unutterably hot to me. It's a strange spiral,

quote:

Why do you identify yourself that way?

I've tried every other way to identify myself without saying "submissive" and nothing else quite fits. Masochism is a necessary, but not sufficient, description of my mindset. There's really no way to get around the fact that, in the right context and with the right person, I'm submissive, like it or not.

quote:

What are you searching for in a Domme?

At this point in my life, although I certainly don't mind playing and experimenting with interesting people, at some point I need some semblance of stability and monogamy. In my hot youth, I tried various types of gaudy decadence, but came scuttling back to very old notions of discretion and civility and culture. I'm happiest in a life where I wear ties to restaurants and conversation over appetizers is about work and films and books. Behind closed doors--that's when the dynamic will sometimes be savage and surreal. In public, the Domme/submissive relationship, for me, is best expressed with subtle deference and dignified doting.

quote:

What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Domme?

Sense of humor that vacillates between silly and capricious and bitingly witty. Brilliance. A casual ability to control. The acumen to read me, find my vulnerabilities, and take advantage of them. A vivacious and vibrant streak of sadism.

Someone I can talk to. Someone who thinks I'm cute when I'm suffering for her. Someone I like.

quote:

What is the hardest part of being a male sub?

Honestly, I can't complain. Things seem to work out pretty well. I feel like if I were a female sub I'd probably be slightly more limber, and so I could be tied into more interesting positions, but I do yoga so that helps.

Otherwise, I don't really have any of the normal litany of complaints I see from so many subs. It was either Nabokov, Leo Durocher, or Patrick Bateman who said "Adapt or die." I'm adaptable.

quote:

What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Domme?

Again, I've been pretty lucky here. In my experience, no matter who approaches whom, there's usually mutual interest pretty fast or there isn't.

There's a period of really intense discomfort when I first start to realize that I'm probably into someone, though. It's generally quick and fleeting. Like that line from Shakespeare "How quick bright things come to confusion." Basically I really don't like the realization that someone's opinion of me has become, whether I like it or not, a Very Big Deal to me. It's an uncomfortable, terrifying feeling. Generally I lash out a little and repent almost immediately.

quote:

What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?

My best qualities are loyalty, fidelity, and the willingness to take risks. I am very good at pleasing the people I care about. I'm good at reminding the people who matter to me how unbearably awesome they are. I tend to be patient, sympathetic, and capable of high levels of empathy.

Whatever other virtues I have are accidental properties that don't matter as much in the long run. I mean, I'm proud of how clever I can be. I'm proud of how funny I can be. I'm proud of my freakish memory for song lyrics and movie quotes. Like any ape who has learned a new trick, I like to show off. But at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is whether or not we have finally got the hang of lavishing the people we care about with everything they deserve.

Am I under-appreciated? Absolutely. And I will continue to feel under-appreciated for all that I do here, starring on this planet, until the man who sold the world presents me with a lifetime achievement award and I ascend to heaven in a whirlwind. But until then, I'm pretty happy being liked by the people who like me and liking them back. I would like a cat, though.

I've been typing this pretty quickly without having much time to reflect, because I'm in a time crunch again. Hopefully it's been coherent and not too unbearable. My horoscope said I'd be "coherent and not too unbearable" today so I'm going to assume it was.

_____________________________

What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 4:30:13 PM

Posts: 343
Joined: 9/1/2006
From: California
Status: offline

More from someone curious than heavily involved or experienced...

What motivates you to be submissive?
Cookies.

Seriously: I like making other people happy, especially those I care about. I tend to put others first. Why? Probably partly the way I was raised. Largely because it genuinely makes me feel good. With all the kink and labels removed, assigning a very high priority to a partner's happiness would still come quite naturally for me, I think.

None of that is really particularly "submissive" though, at least not from my perspective; it would all still apply in a completely egalitarian relationship. I'm honestly not sure how interrelated my desire to please is with my attraction to the things that keep me lurking around here. Something about playing with power is immensely attractive to me, and has been for nearly as long as I've been sexually aware. It's all still a bit inexplicable and mysterious, even after trying to analyze it for years. But the appeal hasn't gone away. Devotion. Surrender. Sacrifice for the woman I love. Perseverance. A certain unfairness. A cruel, yet tender, smile at my plight. It's weird. It's also hot and, at least to me, quite romantic and intimate.
Why do you identify yourself that way?
"Submissive" is a convenient label that, in a general sense, conveys where I stand (kneel?) to others in a place like this. That's about as far as it goes. I have an affinity for those specific things it conjures for me – not for the label.
What are you searching for in a Domme?
I'm actually not searching yet. Perhaps sometime soon.
What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Domme?
Largely the same things I would find attractive in any woman:
Intelligence. Empathy. Compassion. Curiosity. Integrity. Trustworthiness. A willingness to trust. Honesty. Humor. Confidence without arrogance.
Oh. And just a bit of deviousness and cruelty…
What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
Viewing it in a positive light was probably the most difficult thing for me. I struggled with that in the past. A lot. Outside places like these boards, there aren't many things that make you feel good about an interest in male submission, especially with S&M thrown in. It took a while to temper the negatives and reach a place where it didn't just feel like a messed up, and perhaps harmful, fantasy.

Currently, I can't think of anything to complain about. Maybe the limited choice in good erotica? =) More seriously, perhaps knowing that many people, including friends, wouldn't be likely to really understand. Fortunately, I tend to view this level of intimacy as pretty private, regardless of whether kink is involved or not, so I can't say it really bothers me overly much.

If and when I shift to a search, maybe that will become the hardest part, but I'm cautiously optimistic and not terribly worried about it yet.
What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Domme?
I've only really done so for friendship, which has probably made things a bit easier. I'm fairly shy initially, so first contact is aways a bit nerve-wracking… but things have actually worked out pretty well without any particularly unusual challenges for me.
What are you biggest fears when meeting a Domme?
I've only met in person with one such woman, and only as a friend. That said, I imagine the fears for me would be similar in other contexts: wondering how she's going to perceive me, and whether or not I'll live up to her expectations. Fear I'll manage to embarrass myself somehow.
What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
Intelligence. Thoughtfulness. Rationality. Patience. Attention to detail. Trustworthiness. Reliability. Integrity. Flexibility. Curiosity. Willingness to learn. Empathy.

Are they overlooked? Hmm. It's a bit hard to sell this sort of thing and, frankly, I'm not particularly comfortable marketing myself. I personally can't write a list like this without feeling incredibly pretentious; I much prefer to reveal things through my actions. But I do know my value and I don't don't feel like it's been overlooked in my friendships at all, no.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Boys... Speak up and tell us what is it that you wa... - 5/23/2010 4:43:59 PM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes
I've been typing this pretty quickly without having much time to reflect, because I'm in a time crunch again. Hopefully it's been coherent and not too unbearable. My horoscope said I'd be "coherent and not too unbearable" today so I'm going to assume it was.

Beginning by the end, it was the kind of brilliant post I've come to expect from you. I really appreciate your contribution to this thread. :-)

quote:

The dynamic with a dominant woman, when it works, is structured similarly. I want to be in her hands. I want to please her and to show my devotion. She likes to have men in her power, likes to see men suffer to please her. She's aware that, on some visceral level, I'm pretty conflicted about subjugating my ego and appetites to anyone and that the act of submission, though it's how I naturally show devotion to a woman, also chafes and bites at my psyche. This doesn't repel her--it delights her and her delight at this deepest of discomforts is unutterably hot to me. It's a strange spiral.

I bolded a part of your statement that I really liked. I've noticed this quite a bit with men with strong egos, they have this little part where there is all this inner conflict about the submission, but deeper down this surrender to what they need. I tend to find the key and then play that note over and over again (that is the sadist in me) to see how far they are willing to endure it. I have to admit, it sometimes looks like a bit of indignation and yes, I do get off on it. But I'm kind of twisted like that!

quote:

quote:

What are you searching for in a Domme?

At this point in my life, although I certainly don't mind playing and experimenting with interesting people, at some point I need some semblance of stability and monogamy. In my hot youth, I tried various types of gaudy decadence, but came scuttling back to very old notions of discretion and civility and culture. I'm happiest in a life where I wear ties to restaurants and conversation over appetizers is about work and films and books. Behind closed doors--that's when the dynamic will sometimes be savage and surreal. In public, the Domme/submissive relationship, for me, is best expressed with subtle deference and dignified doting.

Again, I bolded something that resonates with me as well. I loathe public demonstrations of anything and I'm rather reserved about these things. When my vanilla girlfriends have observed such subtle deference and dignified doting as you so eloquently put it, they get quite envious of the kind of men I date. Only two know the real back story ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)

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