NookieNotes
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Joined: 11/10/2013
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quote:
ORIGINAL: igor2003
I'm not really looking any more, but "back in the day" I was one of the guys that actually did read profiles, and would only write to those that I thought were promising as far as compatibility. I'd take the time to write out what I thought were thoughtful, informative, letters, talking about what I thought we had in common and why I'd like to get to know them better. Often, this process would take 30 minutes to an hour. And all too often I'd not get any kind of reply in return. I hate to think how much time I wasted on them. Eventually I did start getting a "fuck that" attitude, and my initial contact letters got shorter and shorter. Why the hell should I waste my time if they can't even be bothered to send a simple, "Thanks, but no thanks"? Of course then you start seeing all of the women that complain about the short, non-informative contact notes. Jesus Freaking Christ, ladies. . .you can't have it both ways! If you want thoughtful, informative, and considerate first contact letters, then at least show a little appreciation for the amount of time and effort that some guys DO put into it. If you can't do that, then all you can expect are the short two liners that say, "Hi. Read my profile and if you like what you see, let me know." To at least some extent it is your own fault that that is what you receive.
I call bullshit.
YOU choose your meaning. Sending me a long letter, and I do not respond (I've been hit by a bus), then sending another woman a long letter, who also does not respond (she's not been on the site, thanks to a sick mother), then a third (she's just not interested), has NOTHING to do with the fourth.
PERIOD.
Except that you have chosen to treat all women in exactly the same way. Pointing to the idea that you believe all women are the same, and you are willing to lower your standards of personal behavior (ie: long letters) based on their behavior.
Pity, really.
My attitude, is that once I decide I'm interested, it's win or fail spectacularly. I will never lose thanks to lack of effort. But that's because I have my own standards of living that have nothing to do with the people in my life and whether they positively or negatively reinforce that.
quote:
ORIGINAL: RockaRolla
It's been said that the rude messages women get are no excuse for being rude to a man who sends a thoughtful message, and we shouldn't take our frustrations out on them. But when you say "fuck it" after not being responded to and start sending shorter messages, aren't you doing the same thing? Sounds like the all too common story of the "nice guy" giving up and turning into an asshole because he thinks that'll get him laid for once. Why is it OK for you to say "fuck it," but not OK for me?
And to be clear, I always respond, until I specifically say I will not. Then I do not.
It is never ok for me (speaking personally—everyone makes their own choices) to say, "Fuck it," that is not how I want to live my life.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MathewIndio
You exchange emails, a few texts, meet a few times and in your view, there is a great and wonderful connection. Then the other person goes "poof" and you never hear back from him/her. (I've heard this story from both men and women.) Did he/she get into a car accident? Did some tragic strike this person? A simple, "I decided I'm not interested" "I've changed my mine" would help a lot.
Again, it's a personal thing.
I had a guy approach me on another site, saying I was the perfect one for him. I've liked him on a friendly basis for years, so we chatted. After about a week and a half, he stopped really reaching out. I did not reach out to him.
Yesterday, after about a week, I wrote to wish him luck and say "no hard feelings." He seemed surprised at first that I thought we didn't mesh, then said that we could, then finally admitted that I was right, and we would not be a "thing."
And denied lying. LOL!
To me it's lying to say "maybe," when you know damn well there is no maybe.
But that is his way of dealing with things.
Mine is to offer closure. I would have been just as happy if he had not responded, because I would have handled the scenario in a way I felt good about, and gone on about my life.
quote:
ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
If there ever was a thread to show the difference between men and women it's this one.
Yeah, Online behaviors. These behaviors are not so stark in face-to-face interactions. Men and women both pull this crap out there, in my experience.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Apocalypso
I didn't see it as entitling me to a reply just because I'd spent time on it. It was my choice to do that and I was doing it primarily for myself. (In the least surprising revelation ever, I'm an incorrigible fucking showoff).
My profile and journal were both really, really verbose. I was only messaging women who had taken the same approach. So it's a very definite subset of the other side.
I stayed well away from anything sexual or relationship related and just talked toot. (I got together with one of my exes after sending her a thousand word rant about Narnia).
I'm fully aware this will sound arrogant, but I am a much better writer than most guys on this site.
So, yeah, it's not necessarily a hard and fast rule. But breaking it requires knowing your target audience. (And if your target audience is "sexually compatible women" then you should probably do it your way).
Yup. Marketing 101. Take responsibility for your message.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MathewIndio
I completely understand that women get tons of emails and it would be impossible to say, "Thanks but no thanks" to each one.
No. No. NO! You are missing the point.
It's not impossible. I respond to EVERY message. It's that women are making THE CHOICE to not respond to each one, and their choices are valid.
By offering the "it's impossible," you are negating their right to freely choose for themselves, whatever the reason, and assigning a reason that makes you feel better.
Do you see how pretentious that is? Geez.
quote:
However, if a relationship develops, the man/woman deserves some sort of explanation. It's hurtful when you're in a relationship with someone and that someone just decides to ignore you for no apparent reason. The man/woman spent time and energy in the relationship and deserves to be treated better. I guess the person who got coldly dumped could say, "Wow, I'm glad she/he did this now and not later. Can you imagine how much more painful it would have been if we were partnered and he/she did it?"
ORRRRRR, they could say, "Well, that person was not right for me. Were there any signs that I could have seen that I could pick up on next time, so I pick better and better each time I start investing in a new relationship?"
See? Way more effective, and taking personal responsibility, to boot!
quote:
ORIGINAL: Apocalypso
You do also need to recognise that it's a lot easier for you and me. Because, compared to women, we are way less likely to face any kind of physical danger for rejecting someone.
This is a valid point, but still smacks of 'a reason that doesn't hurt my feelings' approach.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MathewIndio
1. A man who sends out 50 emails in 2 months and gets 0 responses
2. A woman who receives 50 emails a week and she decides to meet at least 2 men a week
Who do you think will first establish a relationship?
There are roughly as many straight men as women in the world (slightly more, if you take into account... NVM), so for each partnered straight woman, there is a man.
Yup. That's how it works.
See? Simple. About equal chance. Your science is not strong, if you see that any other way.
That doesn't even go into why a man is sending out 50 emails a week... *shudders*
'Every female is a mere cog,' anyone?
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