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submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 11:24:09 AM

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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Some of us play casual,some ongoing casual & end up caring deeply for the person,some get involved as a partner & love their submissive or slave ...but would you *allow yourself to fall 'in love' with them.If so How does it effect the D/s dynamic between Y/you.

LthrdWolf

*allow ...pretending for a minute that we in fact have control over falling in love with anyone,& if you can't get your head around that suggestion,then approach it from if you discovered at the beginning you were 'falling in love' would you stick with it - or walk.

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 11:31:25 AM

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Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LthrdWolf

Some of us play casual,some ongoing casual & end up caring deeply for the person,some get involved as a partner & love their submissive or slave ...but would you *allow yourself to fall 'in love' with them.If so How does it effect the D/s dynamic between Y/you.

There was a period where I "fell in love" (or just infatuation) with anyone who showed me some romantic attention. Fortunately I grew out of that and found out what real love meant. Since I'm married and not in the game, so to speak, I'll answer as though I was single.

Knowing what I know now (which is remarkably little), I would let myself fall in love, or at least deep caring with a partner that I play with. However, if any discussion took place where said partner made it clear that he was only in it for the play, and didn't want feelings involved, I'd explain it to him and politely bow out. Sometimes you just can't help who you fall for, but you can take action if it's an unhealthy or lopsided relationship.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 11:31:33 AM

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Well i had no intentions of "falling inlove" Ug love. With some one that broke everyone of my "love" rules. i had tons of rules. LOL the first rule was to NOT fall in love. Does it change the dynamic? i think so. He loves me as well.. tho i dunno if he planned on it or what his thoughts on love were. i think it makes him softer on me. In an odd way. He prolly gives into me abit more then he should too. i can see in my minds eye the difference if love were not a factor, but i cant explain it well. Maybe some one else can explain it better?

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 11:47:18 AM

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LthrdWolf

Some of us play casual,some ongoing casual & end up caring deeply for the person,some get involved as a partner & love their submissive or slave ...but would you *allow yourself to fall 'in love' with them.If so How does it effect the D/s dynamic between Y/you.

*allow ...pretending for a minute that we in fact have control over falling in love with anyone,& if you can't get your head around that suggestion,then approach it from if you discovered at the beginning you were 'falling in love' would you stick with it - or walk.

Glad you added that last bit as IMO you can't control feelings, you can only control what you do about them.

Firstly, if I don't care about the person at all (Other than basic 'another human' ways like health and safety issues) then I can't be their Master, I could only Top them. For me I only want to be their Master BECAUSE I've started caring.

The more I care, the more I want to make them mine. The more I want to mold them, build them up, create the beautiful person that I can see they have the potential to be. The more I care the more she pleases me, the more her submission is valued by me.

Keep going down that road and falling in love.... not a problem for me in the dynamic at all. D/s is the WAY I love! Show me a girl that I truely fall head over heals totaly in love with and I'll show you a girl that I want to make totaly and utterly mine in mind, body and spirit!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 11:57:05 AM

ProtagonistLily

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Joined: 12/27/2004
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Love happens. It's not something you can control. And you certainly can't control it being reciprocal either.

There are no hard and fast rules around here regarding love. Anyone that tells you otherwise is full of crap.

I had a long term play partner that I was not in love with, nor did I have any sexual interactions with. We did SM and we were friends. Those relationships are abundant around here as well.

Sir and I are in love with each other and do all the fun things associated with WIIWD around here. I wasn't looking for someone, but he was when we found each other. Love grew...it happened. Greatfully it was reciprocal. Sometimes, the stars line up right...go figure.

This question is wholly subjective in nature, and I would think that there are really a gazillion answers to it.

If I were to pass along friendly advice, I'd say do what makes you happy and keeps it fun for everyone involved.

Kassie

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 12:07:06 PM

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Well Mr Wolf,

I don't think falling in love is something you "allow", it is one of those pesky little things that just somehow happen. We were never play partners, we were "involved" more deeply than that from the first time we were in the same room.

Now your question, Does it change things?" Certainly. I can say for us it increases the intensity of the exchanges. It also has a greater impact on her when she does something that disapoints me. The rules, are the rules, are the rules. The fact of whether I am in love with her or not has no change on this whatsoever, if anything I expect more from her. Our love for one another has never mitigated her punishment for violating the rules in any way nor does it alter the way I structure things. The one big thing for me was dealing with my love for her and my sadistic streak. I have never played this hard and deeply wih someone I am this emotinally involved with and there was a point where I found myself holding back. A little time, the right evening, we plunged right by that and it is now a non issue.

This works for us the results may vary for others.

K

(in reply to RiotGirl)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 12:07:12 PM

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Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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There's lots of people who think that romantic love doesn't play a part in a Ds or Ms relationship...and others who do. Really, it depends on the decisions of the people involved. For me, I love my girl and boy, but I'm not "in" love with them. Perhaps oddly, I feel that the kind of love I have for them is deeper than romantic love. I romantically loved both my husbands...yet neither on of them completed me as those in my household do.

However, I don't rule out the possibility of romantic love...I just doubt that it will happen, mainly because I don't particularly want it to.

Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 12:08:27 PM

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Joined: 9/29/2005
Status: offline

i do have occational play partners, they generally r good friends before - or become really good friends during the play.

i prefer to have a love relation with subs, and would agree that it does change the dynamics

if ur loved and love back the Ds relation gets to a diffrent lvl.

i dont wanna classify the quality of neither of them......but if ur not in the bdsm relation with ur heart, u just do halfhearted things

just my thoughts
Bee

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 12:26:22 PM

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Falling in love with Mistress

True Love in a relationship

Balancing Commitment and Love

Love in BDSM

Love and Ds

Love and BDSM (the unfettered heart)

Is it normal to fallin love with your Dom during training?

Not allowed to love Him what do I do?

Being owned and being loved

subs/masochists & love

Can love get in the way?

Love in Ds

Is love important in a relationship?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 12:31:45 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LthrdWolf

Some of us play casual, some ongoing casual & end up caring deeply for the person, some get involved as a partner & love their submissive or slave... but would you allow(*) yourself to fall 'in love' with them. If so How does it effect the D/s dynamic between Y/you.

LthrdWolf

*allow ...pretending for a minute that we in fact have control over falling in love with anyone, & if you can't get your head around that suggestion, then approach it from if you discovered at the beginning you were 'falling in love' would you stick with it - or walk.

Let's see... How do I answer this... Ah yes...

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!!!

It is sooooooooo much BETTER that way -- for me, anyway.

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 12:32:51 PM

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Joined: 11/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeeQueen

if ur not in the bdsm relation with ur heart, u just do halfhearted things

Thats my thoughts too pretty much. I have to be in love, or love the person I'm with. Its just how I am.

I love both my subs and they both love me. The only people I've let "Dom" me were people I loved and who loved me back.

For me it is essential.. a requirement.

Though I guess.. for a sub of mine.. it is not essential that they love me I guess.. however I do have to love them.

(in reply to BeeQueen)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 12:33:18 PM

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LthrdWolf

Some of us play casual,some ongoing casual & end up caring deeply for the person,some get involved as a partner & love their submissive or slave ...but would you *allow yourself to fall 'in love' with them.If so How does it effect the D/s dynamic between Y/you.

Well I love my owner. I think love makes you a little batty, and in the case of being someones slave it can also make it hard to not expect some level of equality but that hasn't damaged the dynamic, I just try to make sure I manage that expectation.

All in all though its certainly worth it.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 12:45:08 PM

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I love my slaves but I'm not "in love" with my slaves. The first part is just a natural part of having someone closely ingrained into my life. The latter, IMO, clouds your vision about what is in your and thier best interest. Being "in love" would cause one to stay their hand when the other needs it. But loving them is the reason why I discipline them. Say what you will, but I don't fall "in love" with the slave, I simply love them.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 1:09:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I love my slaves but I'm not "in love" with my slaves. The first part is just a natural part of having someone closely ingrained into my life. The latter, IMO, clouds your vision about what is in your and thier best interest. Being "in love" would cause one to stay their hand when the other needs it. But loving them is the reason why I discipline them. Say what you will, but I don't fall "in love" with the slave, I simply love them.

I can see where some would feel this way and in the end we all have to do what wee feel is best for us and our house. I can tell you it has never clouded ot stayed anything here, if anything it makes the punishment and rulkes worse because I have a higher lever of expectation from her.

K

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 1:21:24 PM

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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Back when I met my former Master.. I was in it strictly for the fun. No love.. no commitments.. no strings. Just pure D/s not even M/s (yes to me there's a difference) Our first night together, he used me in a way of making sure it was all my pleasure. Though I am sure he found his pleasure as well. The second night was all for him. But I just couldn't bring myself to feel anything other than submissive for this Dom. No love, no feelings, nothing. Just pure sexual fun. (sometimes miss those days... lol)

Anyways... after a few months of play with this Dom. He started showing his jealous side. He didn't like me speaking with other men. Even nilla ones. We worked together, (drove big trucks cross country), slept together, ate together, showered together 24/7. This is truly a rare but 24/7 relationship. Because being locked up in a 18 wheeler with someone day in and day out... things begin to change. Next thing I knew.. I was giving TPE to this Dom. He directed if and when I wore makeup (no big deal wearing it driving down the road at night.. lol) What clothes I wore (Being truckers, he decided if I looked like a professional driver... or local truck stop lot lizard ...aka... whore). He would tell me if I was allowed to eat certain things off menu.. etc... the whole thing. He got so jealous of me driving 65 mph down the highway talking to other drivers on CB.

I at first found this to be very annoying. Up until this time, I had never known of a jealous Dom. To me, it was unheard of. Anyway, I started seeing more and more his control he had over me, and his actions as they were. It was time to bail. To my surprise, when he refuse to allow me to leave, I found this to be..... erotic. I can still hear the words coming from my mouth and to this day still laugh at myself for them. All I could get to come out was.... "yes Master. " First time I had ever called him Master up to that point. It was always Sir or M'Lord. Till that day. All he could do then was smile at me and know from then on, he owned me totally. And I then knew, I was in love, not lust, or infatuated.

5 years, 2 kids later.. it ended. He didn't want to be Master no more. I tried for a bit. To live the life purely vanilla. I found myself in deep depression. So deep I was having migrains daily... all day long practically. And when they didn't spike.. they were still there. To the point that 5 days after my 30th birthday, I suffered a mild stroke. I knew it was time to move on. Love or not, I wasn't happy. So after getting back on my feet after stroke, Master came home from being on road for a few weeks. Said he wasn't happy. I seen my out. I told him when he left, to leave my house keys, and car keys. (As they were mine before he came along). He just looked at me.. couldn't believe I was eager to say good bye.

I so then have been out of "play" sense then. I've met a few that wanted the same as I use to. No commitment, no strings ... but I knew after the years I had with my former Master, I couldn't go back to being like I was before. So over past 9 years. I stayed to myself, played with some on line. Making sure no one could get close to me and attempt to break down the wall I had build about me. (plus I had dedicated this time to raising my kids and keeping them safe)

Now over past year, another came into my life. And again I find myself in love. I do not know for an exact when this happened. It just has. And every day I find myself being more in love than the day before. I know it's love and not anything else, because I have different emotions when certain things happen, or things said. He can make me happy with a simple hello. Make me cry when he says good bye for the time being. Make me long for him when he's not around. And make me want him like there's no tomorrow when he's here. And the best part, I loved him before the first time we were together. Months of simply talking, getting to know each other. Laughing, sharing, feeling the bond between us growing. And I feel like heaven has finally blessed me and has allowed me to put to rest my pain of the past. And look forward to a better tomorrow... a better life.. with one who will allow me to be me again...

Ok time to return you back to your regularly schedule programming... thanks for a great thread LthrdWolf.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 3/2/2006 1:28:08 PM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 1:35:12 PM

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Hmm, I don't think I would have to 'be in love' with him, but I would have to have some feelings towards him. Love is just an added bonus that bites you in the ass when you least expect it to

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 4:23:10 PM

redheadedfire4u

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Joined: 11/11/2005
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Due to my past I have virtually no experience with being "in love" or "loving someone" except on a fairly superficial level.

However I would feel safe to say that I am in love with Sir. I have emotions and feelings of strength that I have trouble understanding at times. Does it change things ... YES ... does it complicate things ... yeah ... would I have it any other way ... HELL NO!!!!

quote:

This question is wholly subjective in nature, and I would think that there are really a gazillion answers to it.

If I were to pass along friendly advice, I'd say do what makes you happy and keeps it fun for everyone involved.
Kassie

I think I would have to agree with Kassie, to each there own, what ever rocks Y/your boat.

warm smiles from the redhead

_____________________________

Driver1961's girl "wild child" and loving sister to His angel

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 4:52:07 PM

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Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LthrdWolf

Some of us play casual,some ongoing casual & end up caring deeply for the person,some get involved as a partner & love their submissive or slave ...but would you *allow yourself to fall 'in love' with them.If so How does it effect the D/s dynamic between Y/you.

LthrdWolf

*allow ...pretending for a minute that we in fact have control over falling in love with anyone,& if you can't get your head around that suggestion,then approach it from if you discovered at the beginning you were 'falling in love' would you stick with it - or walk.

Firstly... Thanks LA... I didn't have to go and search for a post I did awhile back... I just click on link and there it was *G*

secondly, I couldn't image not falling in love with my two girls... LOVE for me is a very important aspect of the D/s dynamic as well as the BDSM... here is a copy of a post I did a while back.

quote:

I have been in a relationship with alandra since in 1987... it was without question a relationship that is very much a loving and growing relationship. I am also growing a young loving relationship with kyra that began a year ago when we first crossed paths. I also have a deepening friendship with my bottom denika and her husband were love is very much a part of the relationship. Frankly, I find it difficult to comprehend how anyone can have a intimite BDSM relationship without love being an important part of that relationship. I suppose it is done, but I have not seen it done successful over a course of many years.

My approach is simple in the relationships I am in. Out of love.. we become open to be who we are. I seek not to make my girls what they are not... I only seek to support them to shed that which is illusions of themselves... as they support me in doing the same thing. A relationship with myself is about bringing the inner self out into the open and being this person. Out of love we accept what comes. This line of thought is nothing new. A noted psychologist termed the word "congruence" Essentially it means that the more we are able to demonstrate that inner self to the world/relationships.. the more content/stable and at peace we become. We are happier. The deeper we hid this inner aspect of ourself... well it is a path of unhappiness. I see love as a vehicle to facilate this path towards happiness. It is not only path that I use... for I believe their are many strategies in building our personal happiness with ourself and our relationships.

The path I describe is one of Self-Awareness leading to Self-Acceptance leading to Self-Actualization. The interesting aspect that this path is actually circular. As we Self-actualize we are destine to become more aware of aspects of our innerself... which will lead us to need to Accept this new found awareness inorder for further acutalization to occur.

It is my belief that if we stop this cycle at any point we stop to grow in ourselves and in our relationships. We stop to bringing that inner self into the light of day and thus we establish a ceiling to our individual happiness. I suspect that many of us do this from time to time... and can actually live very happy lives to the end of our days.

Being in a relationship that is fundamentally a loving relationship promotes trust, security, validation and whole array of things that promote this cycle of growth.

I am loved... not for what I do for them... "but for who I am".... to push and bring my full awarenes of my inner self to the open to those that love me... can only grow this love... So I choose to be "Me" and enjoy the great happiness it gives me. Just as a love my girls for them being who they are. However, I do not believe I could ever enjoy the love that is give to me... nor give love my girls to the depth I do... unless we first love ourselves. "Awareness..Acceptance..Actualization" is to grow our love ourself and not just our relationships.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 5:43:24 PM

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From: Washington, DC Metro Area
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Speaking strictly for myself:

If i don't care (other than the general caring, et al) and if my partner is in the same state, we're top/bottom. It can be a lot of fun, frustration relief valve) and there have been times i've done just this.

If we like each other, and therefore the caring level is higher, then it's better (what some would call Dom/sub), and will touch something inside and the physical (pleasure and pain) mean more.

When i loved him totally and unconditionally, we became Master/slave -- and it was everything i didn't even know i needed, and he taught me to not only fly, but to soar.

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: submissive/slave Romantic Love - 3/2/2006 9:30:00 PM

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Joined: 8/9/2005
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I don't even want to THINK about what would happen to me/her/us.

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Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

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