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Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:01:35 PM

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i did a few searches about this topic on the boards, and couldn't really find the topic i am looking for.
i am currently 'under consideration' by a Dom. W/we have met a few times and are slowly starting to lay the groundwork for a possible collared situation someday.
The last time W/we were together, He had a serious talk with me about keeping focused, as in, focused on this D/s relationship. i didn't understand what He meant, and then He explained that basically He was saying to make sure that i don't fall in love.
The thing is, i am a fairly intense person, i tend to have pretty intense relationships with people. i have almost a dozen friends who say 'i love you' to me and who i return that to...and mean it. And i really am not looking to fall 'in love' with anyone.

i might also add that we are both married to mostly 'vanilla' spouses. That's an important point, too.
(i don't know if that is 'taboo' on these boards)

What is also confusing me is that i would think there would have to be a certain amount of mutual 'adoration' in any D/s relationship...for that level of trust and devotion that i yearn to achieve, anyway.
How will i know if my 'adoration' crosses that line?
How do i stop it from happening?
i know right now everything is very new for me, but i know that the two times that He has slipped His 'play' collar around my neck, it was just like i was floating.
And when He was using me, hurting me, and asking if i wanted more, i really did want more, for Him, because i knew it was bringing him pleasure.
Any comments or thoughts on the matter are appreciated.

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:05:01 PM

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I think it's probably a well-meant, and at the same time, ridiculous request.
He isn't really going to be able to stop you, if you do, is he?
I have often wondered what happens in these situations, and what one can do about this as well. I was in love with my first and only Dominant, and he certainly did not try to stop me from doing that. Unfortunately, we are no longer together (my fault).

But, even though your Dominant's heart is probably in the right place, and he may be trying to spare you future pain (or maybe he is really a jerk, who knows - and no offense intended, truly): Ordering someone to not fall in love makes little sense to me. I don't think one can "stop the process". Then again, I've never tried to do it.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/24/2006 11:07:35 PM >

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And sings the tune without the words,
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(in reply to moreplease)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:07:18 PM

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I would think there is a good chance that you will "fall in love" with this Dom. He is already telling you that would be a bad idea. I think continuing with this relationship is a bad idea.

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RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:09:50 PM

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This situation wouldn't work for me on so many levels, but the biggest one is being told not to love someone. Why accept a collar without the love is my thoughts. I am thinkng maybe you are thinking the same thing and that is why you posted this thread in the first place. No one has your answer but you, can you do this without love?

As far as the marriage thing, I think you will find most of us have issues with marrieds cheating.. it is called bringing someone (your spouses) into your kink nonconsensually, and most do not approve. Some are in the same situation as you. Since your thread didn't ask for my approval I will just keep my opinion to myself, but I would prepare for a deluge of negativity over it... just what I have seen in the past

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/24/2006 11:10:22 PM >

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RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:12:13 PM

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I really don't understand that way of thinking. I too need to have some mutual 'adoration' in a D/s relationship. I don't know where and when the line gets crossed, and I'm interested in seeing other's replies to this.

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RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:18:53 PM

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He is obviously looking at this relationship as more of a play type of thing. He in so many words is telling her. She is looking for a deeper connection (love or something like it). I see a train wreck ahead.

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RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:22:26 PM

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I think that this man has had experience with a slave who fell in love with him - but SO WHAT? The fact that he tells you that he does not want YOU personally to fall in love with him is not a good predictorof harmony in your possible relationship. I would advise to pull away and see how he reacts to that. If he does not chase you, then look for another Dom.

(in reply to moreplease)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:27:14 PM

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I agree with this post!

(in reply to Estring)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:36:08 PM

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"Don't love me" is foreign to me, since I am encouraged to love and adore my Master as much as possible. Knowing myself, it would not be possible to serve someone, giving him my all, and not love him. I don't think love is an emotion so easily controlled.

I have seen this before, however. Dom doesn't want sub to love him. Sub grows to love him anyway. Dom gets upset. Things get confusing. Both end up unhappy as a result.

It would hurt me if someone I cared for and served did not want my love. Do you think you can do that?

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RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:37:34 PM

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Well, think of it like swinging as opposed to poly. Usually, from my experience, if you identify as swingers and your partner has sex with someone else it is expect to end there. I have seen so many people get upset when sex started to turn into something more. People can handle another having sex with thier partner in detached terms but once intimacy starts to form I see no end to trouble if they are not ready for it. It is really the intimacy that brings on the hardcore jealousy and much badness.

To me, D/s is a very hard thing to keep 'strickly buisness'. The nature of it seems to rely on some form of trust, trust leads to intimacy and intimacy to love of some form or another, and if both of your other partners are not willing to let you two have love I don't see how it could end well. Got all yoda'y there. I have never found a way to cut off the feeling of love except to either turn it into hate, cut off contanct, or cut out your emotions. Hate might work in a really twisted destructive way but I see no good comming of that. Cutting off contact is of course silly for being collar'd, and there is cutting off your emotions. You have already said you like to please him and he stirs feelings in you so cutting off your emotions isn't going to work.

Look at your words, you yearn for devotion and trust, you want to please him, I honestly can not think about those terms especially in a collaring situation that mean anything other than love. And love means that your other partners might be threatened since you would 'have feelings' for him as you are starting to already.

If you want that deep of trust and devotion and satisfaction from your D/s relationship and its not just fun sexual play you are going to get into the 'love' area and no command will stop that. I would suggest, that if you really do want this to talk to everyone involved. I understand what he is trying to say, but I think if you go on with it and try to follow that 'don't love me' command it will happen anyway and then if your spouse thinks its become more than 'just a thing you do to because you enjoy it' and wants you to spend time with him instead of your Master what will you do? Really, expecting to not feel love of some sort and all the other emotions that go with that is almost impossible.

Now if both spouses agree that you two might develop feelings and can deal with that then he might just be telling you that for other reasons. Maybe he can view it only as an arrangement for mutual pleasure, I know that I coudln't.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:43:06 PM

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Good point EString, I had not considered that. Yes if he just wants play and moreplease wants something deeper then it will probably not end well. Though collaring someone just for play? Hrm.. maybe I just see collaring as having a deeper meaning than just play.

(in reply to Estring)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:46:19 PM

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Well, I just think you need to talk before you go any further. I think pulling back to see if you are "chased" is a really bad idea. What if he just lets you go because he thinks it's what you really want? Playing games won't work. Tell him you are a loving person and that you think you will fall in love with him. Tell him that is a large part of how you are devoted. Tell him it does not, will not interfere with your and his marriage, if that's the case. Then he gets to decide if he still wants to play. There are other Doms out there that get get you floating, and it seems like this one cannot meet one of your needs. Good luck, but just be as honest as you can be. You will be better off for it.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:51:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SavageEu

Good point EString, I had not considered that. Yes if he just wants play and moreplease wants something deeper then it will probably not end well. Though collaring someone just for play? Hrm.. maybe I just see collaring as having a deeper meaning than just play.

I see collaring as you do, but so many don't see it that way. I could see a Dom collaring just for play and sex. I bet it happens all the time. And for that matter, I see subs on here going through collars like diapers. Constant changing.
There are some Doms who don't as a principle believe in loving their sub/slave. If he is one of those, it is still a horrible match.
Estring

(in reply to SavageEu)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:56:24 PM

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quote:

The last time W/we were together, He had a serious talk with me about keeping focused, as in, focused on this D/s relationship. i didn't understand what He meant, and then He explained that basically He was saying to make sure that i don't fall in love.
The thing is, i am a fairly intense person

Well kudos to you both at least about being honest- and him for being honest about not wanting it to go beyond a physical/dominance situation.

Now you have to be honest with yourself- can you be a submissive in an affair without emotional connection? Some people can, some can't. If you do not think this will work for you- then be honest to this other guy and let eachother find affairs that will work for you.

If you're already going out on so many limbs to get what you want, why on earth stay in a situation that isn't really what you both want?

Short term lust won't really help if you want emotional connection in the long term.

These topics all deal with the issue of love and authority dynamics:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_477568/mpage_3/key_love/tm.htm#484997
How common is it to fall in love with a submissive or dominant?

http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=423736&mpage=1&key=love&#423879
Love and Ms

http://www.collarchat.com/m_282567/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#282615
submissive/slave romantic love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_269031/mpage_1/key_love%252Csubmission/tm.htm#269120
Falling in love with Mistress

http://www.collarchat.com/m_248492/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#248492
true love in a relationship

http://www.collarchat.com/m_236486/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#236486
balancing commitment and love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_199915/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#199915
love in bdsm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_166085/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#166085
love and D/s

http://www.collarchat.com/m_65043/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#65043
love and bdsm (the unfettered heart)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_150281/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#150281
Is it normal to fall in love with your dom during training?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_125880/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#125880
not allowed to love him, what do I do?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_119832/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#119832
being owned or being loved

http://www.collarchat.com/m_97124/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#97124
subs/masochists and love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_31285/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#31285
can love get in the way?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_14998/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#14998
love in d/s

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2491/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#2491
is love important in a relationship?

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RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/24/2006 11:58:37 PM

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Master has been very clear from the beginning that He does not fall in love & says that love has nothing to do with the Master/slave arrangement, that i would be able to serve Him & He would be able to accept that service, even without love...He does, however, form an emotional attachment & has never once told me i should not feel love for Him...i don't expect His love & am fine without it, as He treats me so much more like i always thought that those who told me they loved me should have treated me...& it's comforting to know that there will be no "falling out of love" that will end O/our collared relationship...the collar, for me, means far more than just play...for me it is a very serious commitment which i have never taken lightly.....

lilss linea

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RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/25/2006 12:00:13 AM

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"Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys .. . . . "

I'd never presume to give advice in a situation such as that. (yeah, right) but if I where, I'd tell a friend who might be silly enough to ask about a situation like that, I would tell her that she should drop kick him and leave the field at once.

Let's be honest (as unpopular as that is, I know) and call that play for what it is. He wants her to fall in love with him, he wants to be able to play her on the basis of that love, and he wants to feel that he can duck responsibility for whatever comes afterwards because of course "he TOLD HER not to fall in love."

Where is my slingshot? I feel like hunting rats tonight for some reason.

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Everything else, is just details.

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RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/25/2006 12:00:48 AM

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Well in my case if I am to take a Pet I make her a collar. Designing it, Cutting the steel, grinding it, picking the right metals, cutting the leather, setting the rivets. Every second that I spend working I think about how much my Pet means to me and is this pain (burns, cuts, blood, pain) worth having her serve me. If every I thought no I would not take her on as my Pet.

(in reply to babygirl005)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/25/2006 12:03:24 AM

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Wow, another, more disturbing perspective. Its hard to tell with only one side of the story, but that possibility.. is a wee bit frightening. And I consider myself a sadist.. though I only do it to those that want it so maybe thats why I did not see that view point. Well mostly those that want it.

(in reply to KennelDeSade2)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/25/2006 12:16:43 AM

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Wow, Y/you guys are quick!
i appreciate all of the responses...i have been a lurker on these boards for a long time and knew that i would get some great feedback, and i haven't been disappointed.
Basically, i told Him that i am not looking to fall in love with anyone, and i really am not. As far as an emotional connection, i look to make those with anyone who i have close relationships with, friendship and otherwise. That's just the way i always have been.
i really do believe that His heart is in the right place, and that He does want to spare me future pain and that is why He is bringing it up now. W/we have a very open line of communication so far, and i think that is a step in the right direction.
As far as the collar issue, He nor i take it very lightly. i was just trying to explain that that is what W/we are looking for down the road a ways.
Trust me, i have a looooong way to go...LOL.
And regarding the being married part, i totally understand where some, if not most people have a problem with that. Hell, even i have a problem with it.
But it is nice to know that i can come here for help and not be judged...there will be a time and place for that, i'm sure.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom - 7/25/2006 12:33:23 AM

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As to the marriage situation , in my view as long as everyone knows its kosher. Maybe not easy but far better then just cheating on the spouses.

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