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Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 10:07:37 AM   
Aslanemperor


Posts: 108
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline 		So, after a recent breakup which was decidedly very painful, I've been confronted with a question that I'm sure many of you have thought about.  Should one really fall in love with their sub/slave?  Or for that matter, can a sub/slave afford to love her Dom/Master?
I know that there are plenty of people who want long term commitments on this site, and lets face it, that takes love.  But is it a good idea, or should love have no place in this.  Is it even worth it?
What happens when the peson decides that since there is love there should be no domination, only equallity and all that?  Are you expected to just change what you're interested in for that person, or do you leave?
Serious questions that require some thought I think.  What are your oppinions!  I really would like to know!
~Aslan
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 10:14:40 AM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		  It depends largely on the person. There are many here in very long-term relationships, married, engaged. Obviously, those kinds of relationships cannot last without love. As to whether than can be domination with love, there are no few here who say that domination is impossible without love. While there are those who believe you can't have both, it's not the majority.
There are also those among us who choose strictly a sexual/power relationship without love (though I daresay it creeps into them).
Having just broken up, you're probably taking a pretty dim view of love at the moment. Ask this question again when you've found someone new, and are in love. I imagine your answers will be vastly different.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to Aslanemperor)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 10:18:33 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
http://www.collarchat.com/m_651231/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#651253
What's love got to do with it?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_632033/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#632105
Loving your property

http://www.collarchat.com/m_609494/mpage_2/key_love/tm.htm#609934
Ownership and Love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_545462/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#545482
What does love got to do with it?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_538921/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#538965
The Loving Dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_499831/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#499881
Don't fall in love with your dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_477568/mpage_3/key_love/tm.htm#484997
How common is it to fall in love with a submissive or dominant?

http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=423736&mpage=1&key=love&#423879
Love and Ms

http://www.collarchat.com/m_282567/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#282615
submissive/slave romantic love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_269031/mpage_1/key_love%252Csubmission/tm.htm#269120
Falling in love with Mistress

http://www.collarchat.com/m_248492/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#248492
true love in a relationship

http://www.collarchat.com/m_236486/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#236486
balancing commitment and love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_199915/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#199915
love in bdsm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_166085/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#166085
love and D/s

http://www.collarchat.com/m_65043/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#65043
love and bdsm (the unfettered heart)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_150281/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#150281
Is it normal to fall in love with your dom during training?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_125880/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#125880
not allowed to love him, what do I do?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_119832/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#119832
being owned or being loved

http://www.collarchat.com/m_97124/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#97124
subs/masochists and love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_31285/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#31285
can love get in the way?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_14998/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#14998
love in d/s

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2491/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#2491
is love important in a relationship



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Aslanemperor)
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RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 11:27:59 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aslanemperor
What happens when the peson decides that since there is love there should be no domination, only equallity and all that? 


I honestly do not understand why love suddenly denotes "no longer D/s" to people.  I want both - love and D/s.  I won't compromise on that again.

(in reply to Aslanemperor)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 12:44:24 PM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aslanemperor

So, after a recent breakup which was decidedly very painful, I've been confronted with a question that I'm sure many of you have thought about.  Should one really fall in love with their sub/slave?  Or for that matter, can a sub/slave afford to love her Dom/Master?
I know that there are plenty of people who want long term commitments on this site, and lets face it, that takes love.  But is it a good idea, or should love have no place in this.  Is it even worth it?
What happens when the peson decides that since there is love there should be no domination, only equallity and all that?  Are you expected to just change what you're interested in for that person, or do you leave?
Serious questions that require some thought I think.  What are your oppinions!  I really would like to know!
~Aslan



I know I'm different...hell, we're all different.  I cannot see the motivatation to get nakkie and stuff if I don't want him...lust after him...respect him...and generally this leads to love.
 
candystripper 

(in reply to Aslanemperor)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 12:58:52 PM   
completenz


Posts: 315
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline 		He is my Dom and is the love of my life. i am His sub and the love of His life. We have a passionate glorious relationship and we got married in Feb this year.
Our answer is, if that is what you seek, you CAN have both love and D/s
It sure works for us

_____________________________

'Life is not always measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away'

(in reply to Aslanemperor)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 1:11:25 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aslanemperor

I know that there are plenty of people who want long term commitments on this site, and lets face it, that takes love.  But is it a good idea, or should love have no place in this. 



In the situation I'm in, I've got to disagree with you about a long-term commitment requiring love. I don't love my Sir nor does he love me (unless you want to get into a crunchy granola-like "brotherly love" sort of conversation). Our relationship is based on respect and mutual need to express this part of ourselves. We've had a friendship for years, and adding the D/s element to it doesn't change that. We aren't romantically involved whatsoever (although there are times that there is a healthy dose of sexual tension).

Prior to now, I didn't believe I could submit to anyone without loving him; but I have found that it works in this instance. If it blossoms into that sort of relationship, that's cool, but it's not something I can't live without.

I find that not having the expectations that I had in a love relationship, and not feeling as though my partner has those same sorts of expectations for me, takes the pressure off. Then again, we're both extremely busy people and this is what works for us - it might not work for anyone else. Shoot, it's not like there's a shopping center with such pick and choose partner orders anyway.

Go with what feels right, what feels good / comfortable / safe. Heartbreak sucks but it's probably no more prevalent in D/s than in anything else, including business partnerships.

(in reply to Aslanemperor)
Profile   Post #: 7
SUCH a great topic! - 9/7/2008 1:40:26 PM   
ScarlettStangata


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/5/2007
Status: offline 		I have kind of a similar topic (although mine is a little more negative) but when I came to this lifestyle I wanted a loving female led relationship. I still do. But I find that most male subs do not. I find that there are way more Male Dom/femsub succesful relationships in the scene that are totally loving and strong and even lead to marriage than FemDom/male sub.

I think that love absolutely does have a place in D/s and BDSM. I find what we do to be incredibly loving. At least I find what I do to be incredibly loving. There is nothing I love more to tie someone up I care about, put a blindfold on him, and slowly and seductively whip him - alternating kisses and caresses in between. I like to hold him and feel his heart beating and know that it beats for me. And then I like to accelerate that heart beating. After all is said and done I like to know I can apply arnica to his sizzling bottom and have him climb into bed with me and hold me as I sleep.

But I find that emotional intimacy is just too much for most submissive men. I think emotional intimacy is a hard limit for many people. Sadly, love is a hard limit.

MS

(in reply to Aslanemperor)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 1:56:08 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I honestly do not understand why love suddenly denotes "no longer D/s" to people.  I want both - love and D/s.  I won't compromise on that again.

Good for you!  You shouldn't.  I don't understand why some people maintain that they have to be mutually exclusive either.  They certainly aren't for Master and I.  Actually, thinking I could only have one or the other is what hindered me for so long.  I wanted D/s so badly but I wanted love also.  In my ignorance, I thought I could only have one of them.  When I began talking with Master, I felt He was perfect for me but I worried that there could be no love if I became His property.  Oh, how wrong I was.  I would encourage everyone to never compromise or settle for less than both if both is what they feel they need......luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 2:02:19 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Love is a risk in any kind of relationship.  There are never guarantees that it won't end. 

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 2:23:19 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Mastery, love, friendship, sexual attraction, lifelong ownership.....i have all of these. i have settled for less, with one or more missing components but always walked, divorced or relased myself.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to ExKat)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 2:26:17 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		What an excellent post and thank you for sharing slaveluci.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I honestly do not understand why love suddenly denotes "no longer D/s" to people.  I want both - love and D/s.  I won't compromise on that again.

Good for you!  You shouldn't.  I don't understand why some people maintain that they have to be mutually exclusive either.  They certainly aren't for Master and I.  Actually, thinking I could only have one or the other is what hindered me for so long.  I wanted D/s so badly but I wanted love also.  In my ignorance, I thought I could only have one of them.  When I began talking with Master, I felt He was perfect for me but I worried that there could be no love if I became His property.  Oh, how wrong I was.  I would encourage everyone to never compromise or settle for less than both if both is what they feel they need......luci

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 2:41:12 PM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline 		I'm not sure "love" is necesary, but for me at least, emotional intimacy is crucial.  I need to feel connected to my partner in order to submit to Him.  It's just who I am.  On this journey, I've also found that if the respect (me for Him, Him for me) is not there or has been broken, moving on is the only option.

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.



(in reply to califsue)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 2:45:34 PM   
hiswetness


Posts: 30
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline 		i love my Daddy/Master...he loves me.  i would never settle for less than the relationship we have now.  i have never experienced a truly loving relationship with a Dominant until we found each other.  This is what i searched for...all the hurts and sorrows that led me to him were worth what i have now.  It wasn't easy.  i don't think love is necessary in a BDSM relationship or even in a vanilla.  But when it is there...it is magical!!!!

(in reply to califsue)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 2:58:05 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		Aslan,

i am not willing to settle for less.  So, i hope it is possible. 

~anne

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 3:26:11 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Personally without love and caring, I can't trust enough to submit. Unfortunately some people can't handle D/s and an intimate relationship, although it usually appears to be the doms who can't control and hurt someone they see as a lover and a possible mate. It may be that we have less trouble than usual with this simply because we're not into s & m, mainly bondage. The mental processing required to deal with hurting, or being hurt by, someone you love is difficult.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 3:41:21 PM   
subexploring


Posts: 103
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline 		If I had to choose, I'd rather have love without D/s than D/s without love. Hopefully, I won't have to choose.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 3:43:48 PM   
impishlilhellcat


Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subexploring

If I had to choose, I'd rather have love without D/s than D/s without love. Hopefully, I won't have to choose.



Ooo nice way to sum it all up!

_____________________________

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 4:06:18 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aslanemperor

So, after a recent breakup which was decidedly very painful, I've been confronted with a question that I'm sure many of you have thought about.  Should one really fall in love with their sub/slave?  Or for that matter, can a sub/slave afford to love her Dom/Master?


These questions require and individual answer for each person.  I know that being in Love with my two girls only enrich the Authority Dynamic that we have.  Love is not an hinderance for me.

quote:


I know that there are plenty of people who want long term commitments on this site, and lets face it, that takes love.  But is it a good idea, or should love have no place in this.  Is it even worth it?


yes it's worth it... at least it is for me... I suppose for others the answer would be no.

quote:


What happens when the peson decides that since there is love there should be no domination, only equallity and all that?  Are you expected to just change what you're interested in for that person, or do you leave?


Well for me it would cause the eventually destruction of the relationship since the authority dynamic we have is an intergal part of what makes me happy.  A few years ago, I had a girl that came part of the family for about 3 years.  She came in with the clear and informed understanding that my primary relationships are a total authority transfer dynamic.  However, over the course of time it was revealed that she was incapable of living the dynamic and the relationship ended in part because of that issue regardless of the emotions involved. 

Having this particular relationship style is an integral part of obtaining the happiness I desire.. without it... I would only cheat myself of happiness if I tried to maintain a primary relationship without it.


< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 9/7/2008 4:08:36 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Love in BDSM - 9/7/2008 4:09:22 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I want love. Unconditional love.

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 20
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